1 00:00:25,984 --> 00:00:28,320 Oh, my God. 2 00:01:03,063 --> 00:01:05,107 - There's a masturbating bum in the alley. - He's masturbating. 3 00:01:05,190 --> 00:01:06,817 Oh. Yeah. I know about that guy. 4 00:01:06,900 --> 00:01:08,610 - Masturbating bums are bad for business. - Yeah. 5 00:01:08,694 --> 00:01:09,945 - Yes. - I saw that guy's wiener. 6 00:01:10,028 --> 00:01:11,321 Oh, he's gonna rip it off 7 00:01:11,405 --> 00:01:12,823 - one of these days. It's disgusting. - It really is. 8 00:01:12,906 --> 00:01:13,907 This whole goddamn 9 00:01:13,991 --> 00:01:15,033 neighborhood is going to shit. 10 00:01:15,117 --> 00:01:16,952 I mean there is a deteriorating situation here, 11 00:01:17,035 --> 00:01:18,287 and we gotta do something about it. 12 00:01:18,370 --> 00:01:20,205 We should get a junkyard dog. Okay? 13 00:01:20,289 --> 00:01:22,291 - A really mean, nasty junkyard dog. - Ooh. 14 00:01:22,374 --> 00:01:23,458 We'll chain him up in the alley. 15 00:01:23,542 --> 00:01:24,793 - We'll scare away the bums. - That's it. 16 00:01:24,877 --> 00:01:26,420 But Charlie, it's not just about our alley. 17 00:01:26,503 --> 00:01:27,880 It's about this whole neighborhood. I mean… 18 00:01:28,005 --> 00:01:29,006 I think we should make this whole neighborhood 19 00:01:29,089 --> 00:01:30,591 - safe again. Right, Dee? - Yeah. 20 00:01:30,674 --> 00:01:32,009 Kind of leaning towards the junkyard dog idea. 21 00:01:32,092 --> 00:01:33,343 You like the dog idea? 22 00:01:33,468 --> 00:01:34,469 I'd go for a dog. 23 00:01:39,183 --> 00:01:43,812 Now, first order of business is thanking Jean for working so hard 24 00:01:43,896 --> 00:01:45,814 on our monthly crime watch newsletter. 25 00:01:48,066 --> 00:01:49,818 - Uh, do you have a question? - Yeah. 26 00:01:49,902 --> 00:01:50,944 New to the crew. 27 00:01:51,028 --> 00:01:53,614 Uh, quick question about the uniform situation. 28 00:01:53,697 --> 00:01:55,699 Now, I like to cut my sleeves off. It's kind of my look. 29 00:01:55,782 --> 00:01:58,285 So, I'm wondering if the tailor is provided for us, 30 00:01:58,410 --> 00:01:59,953 or I'm left to my own devices. 31 00:02:00,245 --> 00:02:01,580 We don't have uniforms. 32 00:02:02,080 --> 00:02:03,582 Now, but… Yes? 33 00:02:03,707 --> 00:02:05,709 Yeah. Will you be providing the weapons? 34 00:02:07,711 --> 00:02:08,712 No. 35 00:02:08,795 --> 00:02:10,130 No. Oh! 36 00:02:10,297 --> 00:02:12,508 I get it. Okay. We go buy the weapons. 37 00:02:12,591 --> 00:02:14,051 We tell you how much we spent, 38 00:02:14,134 --> 00:02:15,928 and you reimburse us. Great. 39 00:02:16,178 --> 00:02:17,262 it doesn't work like that. 40 00:02:17,346 --> 00:02:18,805 You gotta give him a receipt. 41 00:02:18,972 --> 00:02:20,349 Oh, I would make a copy of the receipt. 42 00:02:20,432 --> 00:02:22,059 No. You give them the original. 43 00:02:22,392 --> 00:02:23,435 I would give them the original, 44 00:02:23,519 --> 00:02:24,770 and I would keep the copy? That seems stupid. 45 00:02:24,853 --> 00:02:26,313 Oh, I'm sorry, but that's how reimbursement works. 46 00:02:26,396 --> 00:02:27,689 What if something happens to the weapons, 47 00:02:27,814 --> 00:02:29,149 that I'm shit out of luck? 48 00:02:29,233 --> 00:02:30,526 Oh, well. Then, you just ask 'em for the original back. 49 00:02:30,651 --> 00:02:31,735 I'm sure they got a system in place. 50 00:02:31,818 --> 00:02:32,861 Why would they keep the original? 51 00:02:32,986 --> 00:02:33,987 I'm the one that bought the gun. 52 00:02:34,071 --> 00:02:36,031 - Oh, it's a gun now. - It's always been a gun, Dee. 53 00:02:36,156 --> 00:02:38,867 Excuse me. Hi. Hi. We don't carry weapons. 54 00:02:39,076 --> 00:02:41,036 We're just a neighborhood watch. 55 00:02:41,328 --> 00:02:43,664 Wait. So, you people don't apprehend criminals? 56 00:02:43,747 --> 00:02:45,582 If we see anything suspicious, 57 00:02:45,666 --> 00:02:47,417 we call the police. 58 00:02:47,543 --> 00:02:48,836 The police? 59 00:02:48,919 --> 00:02:50,212 The police. 60 00:02:50,295 --> 00:02:51,463 The streets are flooded 61 00:02:51,547 --> 00:02:53,298 with the ejaculate of the homeless, 62 00:02:53,382 --> 00:02:55,467 and you people are counting on the police? 63 00:02:55,551 --> 00:02:58,136 Well, clearly we are gonna have to handle this ourselves, Dee. 64 00:02:58,220 --> 00:02:59,221 You, sir, 65 00:02:59,346 --> 00:03:00,681 have wasted my time, 66 00:03:00,806 --> 00:03:02,307 and the time of my associate. 67 00:03:02,391 --> 00:03:03,725 Dee, get my coat. 68 00:03:08,230 --> 00:03:09,898 You hear barking? 69 00:03:10,023 --> 00:03:11,024 I don't hear no dogs. 70 00:03:11,108 --> 00:03:12,234 Dude, they'll run out and bite you in the nuts. 71 00:03:12,359 --> 00:03:13,652 They're probably sleepin'. You don't wanna wake 'em. 72 00:03:13,735 --> 00:03:15,195 - Probably chained up. - I don't hear a dog. 73 00:03:15,279 --> 00:03:16,488 All right. Hold on. We'll ask this guy. 74 00:03:16,572 --> 00:03:18,282 Excuse me. 75 00:03:18,365 --> 00:03:20,325 Sir, where am I finding 76 00:03:20,409 --> 00:03:21,827 your junkyard dogs? 77 00:03:21,910 --> 00:03:24,329 - My what? - We wanna buy a junkyard dog. 78 00:03:24,413 --> 00:03:25,789 - We want the most vicious one you have. - Yeah, like… 79 00:03:25,873 --> 00:03:27,833 - A really nasty dog. - Really nasty dog. 80 00:03:27,916 --> 00:03:29,418 We don't have no dogs. 81 00:03:30,294 --> 00:03:31,795 I'm sorry. 82 00:03:31,879 --> 00:03:34,423 - Is this not a junkyard? - You don't have a dog? 83 00:03:34,506 --> 00:03:36,925 - We got a cat round here somewhere. - Cat? 84 00:03:37,009 --> 00:03:39,011 We don't… We don't want a cat. 85 00:03:39,094 --> 00:03:40,179 Wait a minute. 86 00:03:40,262 --> 00:03:42,514 Wait a minute. Believe me, that's a tough cat. 87 00:03:42,931 --> 00:03:45,058 It was born in a pool of gasoline, 88 00:03:45,142 --> 00:03:47,394 on a piece of rusty scrap metal. 89 00:03:47,477 --> 00:03:49,771 I've seen that cat jump through barbed wire 90 00:03:49,897 --> 00:03:52,107 into a vat of hot tar. 91 00:03:52,316 --> 00:03:53,817 That cat… 92 00:03:54,401 --> 00:03:56,195 …is indestructible. 93 00:03:56,278 --> 00:03:58,447 - We don't want no cat. - Great. It's a cat. We want a dog. 94 00:03:58,572 --> 00:04:00,115 - Well, now, wait a second. - What we want is a dog. 95 00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:01,950 I wouldn't mind taking a look at that cat. 96 00:04:02,201 --> 00:04:04,036 Come on, dude. What are we gonna do with a cat? 97 00:04:04,119 --> 00:04:05,579 - Whoa… - Go ahead. Knock yourself out. 98 00:04:05,954 --> 00:04:07,247 Is that a cop car? 99 00:04:07,331 --> 00:04:09,875 You guys, if we park that in front of Paddy's, 100 00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:11,126 no more bums, 101 00:04:11,210 --> 00:04:12,836 no problems, period. 102 00:04:12,920 --> 00:04:14,755 Is that old cop car for sale? 103 00:04:14,963 --> 00:04:16,340 Everything's for sale. 104 00:04:17,257 --> 00:04:19,218 - We'll take it. - And throw in that cat. 105 00:04:25,224 --> 00:04:26,225 This thing's cool, right? 106 00:04:26,308 --> 00:04:27,392 Yeah, it's very cool. 107 00:04:27,476 --> 00:04:28,685 The seating's a little tight. 108 00:04:28,769 --> 00:04:30,395 The seating is very tight. 109 00:04:30,479 --> 00:04:32,189 - It's cramped. - Well, I know it's cramped. 110 00:04:32,314 --> 00:04:34,566 Maybe if a certain someone didn't buy a certain something, 111 00:04:34,650 --> 00:04:36,568 there'd be a little bit more room up here. Don't you think? 112 00:04:36,652 --> 00:04:37,736 This guy's not the problem, all right? 113 00:04:37,819 --> 00:04:39,279 This guy's not the problem. You're the problem. 114 00:04:39,363 --> 00:04:40,656 - I'm the problem, dude? - You're the problem. 115 00:04:40,781 --> 00:04:42,366 - Why don't you jump in the back? - Because I called shotgun. 116 00:04:42,449 --> 00:04:43,450 Dude, you have to get in the back. 117 00:04:43,534 --> 00:04:45,285 - No, I wanna fiddle with all the gadgets. - Fool with 'em. 118 00:04:45,369 --> 00:04:46,495 - Why are we stopped? - Yeah, why are we stopped? 119 00:04:46,578 --> 00:04:48,497 - It's a red light. - We're in a cop car. 120 00:04:48,580 --> 00:04:49,957 We're in a cop car, dude. 121 00:04:50,832 --> 00:04:51,875 Make her sing. 122 00:04:58,966 --> 00:05:00,008 Boom. 123 00:05:00,092 --> 00:05:01,927 - We look so stupid. - We look awesome. 124 00:05:02,010 --> 00:05:03,262 - Throw that on. - I'm not putting on a beret. 125 00:05:03,345 --> 00:05:04,429 Gotta wear the beret. 126 00:05:04,513 --> 00:05:05,722 It's terrible, and I don't get the point. 127 00:05:05,806 --> 00:05:07,057 It sends a message, Dee. 128 00:05:07,140 --> 00:05:08,976 The Guardian Angels wore the same, exact outfit 129 00:05:09,059 --> 00:05:10,394 when they cleaned up the streets of New York City 130 00:05:10,519 --> 00:05:12,145 in the 1970s. 131 00:05:12,229 --> 00:05:13,897 - We look like Rerun. - Oh, my God. 132 00:05:13,981 --> 00:05:15,315 You know what I hear when you talk like that? 133 00:05:15,399 --> 00:05:18,068 A scared little girl who's never had anyone fear her. 134 00:05:18,151 --> 00:05:20,445 Fear is power, Dee. Don't you get that? 135 00:05:20,529 --> 00:05:21,530 It's like a drug. 136 00:05:21,655 --> 00:05:23,615 Once you get a taste of it, you can never get enough. 137 00:05:23,699 --> 00:05:25,993 If I promise to wear this stupid thing, will you stop talking? 138 00:05:26,076 --> 00:05:28,203 Absolutely. All right. Let's roll. 139 00:05:28,453 --> 00:05:30,330 - What's that? - That's my mini bat. 140 00:05:30,497 --> 00:05:31,790 You're gonna hit that bum? 141 00:05:31,874 --> 00:05:33,709 No, I'm not gonna hit anybody. 142 00:05:33,792 --> 00:05:36,628 That's the best part about fear and intimidation, Dee. 143 00:05:36,712 --> 00:05:38,422 All you gotta do is look the part. 144 00:05:38,505 --> 00:05:40,757 Now, what do you think about these suspenders? 145 00:05:44,761 --> 00:05:46,889 - All right, you ready? - I mean, I guess so. 146 00:05:46,972 --> 00:05:47,973 Let's clean up the streets. 147 00:05:48,056 --> 00:05:49,516 This is how it's gonna work. 148 00:05:49,600 --> 00:05:52,269 You're gonna walk right up to him. You're gonna kindly ask him to leave. 149 00:05:52,394 --> 00:05:53,395 He's gonna see me 150 00:05:53,520 --> 00:05:55,063 with the bat, looking tough. 151 00:05:55,439 --> 00:05:57,816 - He's gone. - That's it? 152 00:05:57,900 --> 00:06:00,235 That's all you need to do when you look like a badass, Dee. 153 00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:01,904 - That's not gonna work. - Yes, it will. 154 00:06:02,029 --> 00:06:03,488 Oh, Mac, I can hear it. 155 00:06:03,572 --> 00:06:06,825 Come on. He's smiling at me. All right, give me the bat. 156 00:06:06,909 --> 00:06:08,118 You know what, asshole? 157 00:06:12,080 --> 00:06:13,498 You like that, bitch? Huh? 158 00:06:14,750 --> 00:06:17,294 I am not your little pinup girl 159 00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:18,420 for you to tug 160 00:06:18,504 --> 00:06:19,755 your rotten pecker at! 161 00:06:22,633 --> 00:06:23,884 Go on, get out of here. 162 00:06:23,967 --> 00:06:25,177 You're one crazy bitch. 163 00:06:25,260 --> 00:06:26,512 I don't wanna see you 164 00:06:26,595 --> 00:06:27,679 or your dirty balls 165 00:06:27,763 --> 00:06:29,348 in my alley again! 166 00:06:32,768 --> 00:06:34,102 - Whoa! - Yeah. 167 00:06:34,603 --> 00:06:35,729 Yeah, you took my bat. 168 00:06:35,812 --> 00:06:37,022 I kicked that guy's ass. 169 00:06:37,105 --> 00:06:38,857 I would have helped you. I need my bat back. 170 00:06:38,941 --> 00:06:39,942 That was awesome. 171 00:06:40,067 --> 00:06:42,069 Okay, that was, but next time just don't take my bat. 172 00:06:43,070 --> 00:06:45,072 Hello… Freeze, punk. 173 00:06:45,155 --> 00:06:46,198 Cool, eh? 174 00:06:46,281 --> 00:06:47,449 Gonna ride around in a cop car, 175 00:06:47,533 --> 00:06:48,992 can't do it in street clothes. 176 00:06:49,076 --> 00:06:50,077 People will think you stole it. 177 00:06:50,160 --> 00:06:51,662 That's awesome. Where's mine? 178 00:06:52,204 --> 00:06:53,413 Uh… 179 00:06:53,497 --> 00:06:54,623 Uh, well… Charlie, 180 00:06:54,706 --> 00:06:56,166 these things cost me a pretty penny. 181 00:06:56,250 --> 00:06:57,501 Yeah, Frank really sprung 182 00:06:57,584 --> 00:06:58,585 for all the bells and whistles. 183 00:06:58,669 --> 00:07:00,170 You shittin' me? You didn't get me one? 184 00:07:00,254 --> 00:07:01,505 You guys know how I love 185 00:07:01,588 --> 00:07:03,715 dressing up in costumes. Dude, that's bullshit. 186 00:07:03,799 --> 00:07:04,967 Charlie, you can't have three guys 187 00:07:05,092 --> 00:07:06,134 dressed in cop suits 188 00:07:06,218 --> 00:07:08,095 - in the front seat of a cop car. - No. 189 00:07:08,178 --> 00:07:10,055 - It don't look right. - Plus we need room for Agent Bauer. 190 00:07:10,222 --> 00:07:11,557 Well, who's Agent Bauer? 191 00:07:11,640 --> 00:07:12,641 Phew! 192 00:07:12,891 --> 00:07:13,976 Oh, come on. 193 00:07:14,101 --> 00:07:15,769 You're gonna let the stupid junkyard cat ride up front? 194 00:07:15,853 --> 00:07:17,729 It smells like it's been dumped in a bucket of piss. 195 00:07:17,813 --> 00:07:18,939 Hey, hey. 196 00:07:19,022 --> 00:07:20,691 Do not refer to him as a junkyard cat. 197 00:07:20,816 --> 00:07:23,068 He has a name… Agent Jack Bauer. 198 00:07:23,151 --> 00:07:24,152 Come on, I don't wanna ride around 199 00:07:24,236 --> 00:07:26,071 - in the back seat. - Charlie… 200 00:07:26,154 --> 00:07:28,866 You can be disguised as an undercover cop in the back seat. 201 00:07:28,949 --> 00:07:29,992 Yeah, dude. Then you can wear 202 00:07:30,075 --> 00:07:31,118 all the disguises you want. 203 00:07:31,201 --> 00:07:32,244 Damn it! 204 00:07:32,327 --> 00:07:34,329 That is such a good idea. 205 00:07:34,413 --> 00:07:35,414 No one's gonna know, dude. 206 00:07:35,497 --> 00:07:37,749 I'm gonna be, like… "You're busted. 207 00:07:37,833 --> 00:07:39,751 "Hello. How you doin'? You're busted." 208 00:07:39,835 --> 00:07:42,296 All right, let's get you back to CTU, Agent Bauer. 209 00:07:53,849 --> 00:07:55,434 Over here, pal. 210 00:07:56,018 --> 00:07:57,060 Hey… 211 00:07:57,144 --> 00:07:58,478 Boys in blue. 212 00:07:59,062 --> 00:08:00,689 What's shakin', pal? 213 00:08:00,772 --> 00:08:03,066 Hey, you fellas hungry? Couple of my best dogs, on the house. 214 00:08:03,233 --> 00:08:04,693 That sounds like the move. 215 00:08:04,860 --> 00:08:07,654 Yeah, you boys cruise in one of the old models, eh? 216 00:08:07,821 --> 00:08:09,406 Oh, yeah, yeah. This is a piece of junk. 217 00:08:09,489 --> 00:08:11,825 They're cuttin' back. The brass is breakin' our balls. 218 00:08:11,909 --> 00:08:12,993 Say, what'd this guy do? 219 00:08:13,076 --> 00:08:14,077 Uh, this guy… We caught him 220 00:08:14,161 --> 00:08:15,704 diddling kids over at a playground. 221 00:08:15,787 --> 00:08:16,914 Yeah, he's a perv. 222 00:08:16,997 --> 00:08:18,624 We're gonna bust him up good. 223 00:08:18,707 --> 00:08:19,750 You just go over there, and get us 224 00:08:19,833 --> 00:08:21,293 a couple of those tasty dogs. 225 00:08:21,460 --> 00:08:23,086 Okay, okay. Let me see what I can do, eh? 226 00:08:23,212 --> 00:08:24,755 - Okay. - Okay. 227 00:08:25,088 --> 00:08:26,256 Holy shit, that actually worked. 228 00:08:26,340 --> 00:08:27,424 These uniforms are gonna pay 229 00:08:27,508 --> 00:08:29,968 - for themselves 10 times over. - Oh, my God. 230 00:08:30,052 --> 00:08:31,970 - You're brilliant, man. - You know what else I realized? 231 00:08:32,054 --> 00:08:33,222 They didn't even realize I was an undercover cop. 232 00:08:33,305 --> 00:08:34,306 Yeah, okay. 233 00:08:34,389 --> 00:08:36,725 So, you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna become Al Pacino in Serpico. 234 00:08:36,850 --> 00:08:38,018 - Yeah, nobody cares. - I'm gonna be Al Pacino… 235 00:08:38,101 --> 00:08:39,436 Just get back in there. You're gonna ruin it. 236 00:08:39,561 --> 00:08:41,396 Hey, hey. Here you go, boys. 237 00:08:41,480 --> 00:08:42,814 You keep up the good work. 238 00:08:42,898 --> 00:08:44,149 All righty. Thanks, pal. 239 00:08:46,652 --> 00:08:48,529 I got a great Serpico costume. 240 00:08:48,612 --> 00:08:50,239 - Diddle, diddle. - Yeah, it's… 241 00:08:50,322 --> 00:08:51,365 It's really something else. 242 00:08:51,490 --> 00:08:52,616 I don't care. Get in the car. 243 00:08:52,699 --> 00:08:54,034 - Don't push my head like that. - Let's go, Frank. 244 00:08:59,581 --> 00:09:02,292 Dennis, do you have to take that cat everywhere we go? 245 00:09:02,376 --> 00:09:03,794 Yeah. He's awesome. 246 00:09:03,877 --> 00:09:05,796 Have you taken a good look at this guy? He's hilarious. 247 00:09:05,921 --> 00:09:07,297 It's a mangy cat. 248 00:09:07,381 --> 00:09:08,382 I don't like the cat. 249 00:09:08,465 --> 00:09:09,883 Serpico doesn't like the cat one bit. 250 00:09:09,967 --> 00:09:10,968 I don't give a shit, Charlie, 251 00:09:11,093 --> 00:09:13,053 - 'cause you're not Serpico. - I'm goin' on record. 252 00:09:13,136 --> 00:09:15,138 We gotta get rid of that cat. It stinks. 253 00:09:15,264 --> 00:09:16,515 - Stinkin' cat. - We're not gettin' rid of the cat. 254 00:09:16,598 --> 00:09:17,891 There's nothing you guys can do about it 255 00:09:17,975 --> 00:09:19,351 'cause the cat outranks you. 256 00:09:19,434 --> 00:09:21,353 - I'm not outranked by a cat. - Oh, yeah, you are. 257 00:09:21,436 --> 00:09:23,146 Cat's a special agent. Are you a special agent? 258 00:09:23,438 --> 00:09:25,274 - Here's a special agent over there. - Look at this guy right here. 259 00:09:25,357 --> 00:09:26,483 You believe this guy is jaywalking. 260 00:09:26,567 --> 00:09:28,402 Take it easy, Charlie. Take it easy. 261 00:09:28,485 --> 00:09:29,486 No, no. Back me up here. 262 00:09:29,570 --> 00:09:30,737 I'm goin' in. Hey, guy! 263 00:09:30,821 --> 00:09:32,531 - Charlie, where you goin'? - What are you doing? 264 00:09:32,614 --> 00:09:35,075 Hello, guy! Hello! You wanna stop for a second? 265 00:09:35,158 --> 00:09:36,326 You like just crossin' the street 266 00:09:36,410 --> 00:09:37,953 whenever you want, makin' up your own laws? 267 00:09:38,036 --> 00:09:39,037 I'm sorry… 268 00:09:39,121 --> 00:09:40,372 Oh, you ought to be sorry. You just jaywalked, buddy. 269 00:09:40,455 --> 00:09:41,456 You jaywalked! 270 00:09:41,707 --> 00:09:43,250 Are you gonna give me a ticket? 271 00:09:43,333 --> 00:09:45,419 That depends on how much money you got in your wallet. 272 00:09:45,836 --> 00:09:47,921 I don't know, like, 15 bucks, I guess. 273 00:09:48,005 --> 00:09:49,798 - Fork it over. - Yeah. And the watch. 274 00:09:49,882 --> 00:09:52,176 - You're serious? - Do I look like I'm smiling? 275 00:09:52,301 --> 00:09:53,302 Are we smiling? 276 00:09:53,635 --> 00:09:55,762 - I can't believe this is happening. - Yeah. Well, believe it, buddy. 277 00:09:55,846 --> 00:09:57,097 - Give me your watch. Come on. - Take a walk. 278 00:09:57,181 --> 00:09:58,182 All right. That's good. 279 00:09:58,307 --> 00:10:00,309 - Get outta here. - Yeah, get the hell outta here. 280 00:10:00,601 --> 00:10:02,477 - Useless. - Put an egg in your shoe and beat it. 281 00:10:05,314 --> 00:10:07,649 What the hell was that shit, right there? 282 00:10:08,066 --> 00:10:10,319 - We got 15 bucks. - We got 15 bucks. Here, take your cut. 283 00:10:10,652 --> 00:10:11,653 I don't want a cut. 284 00:10:11,737 --> 00:10:13,197 Hey if you don't take your cut, Charlie, 285 00:10:13,280 --> 00:10:14,656 how do we know how to trust you? 286 00:10:14,740 --> 00:10:15,949 That's dirty money. 287 00:10:16,033 --> 00:10:17,409 Look, guys, we're cops. 288 00:10:17,492 --> 00:10:19,286 All right? We're not out here to bribe people. 289 00:10:19,369 --> 00:10:20,704 Will you stop doing that stupid voice? 290 00:10:20,787 --> 00:10:21,830 What are you doin'? 291 00:10:21,914 --> 00:10:23,540 I told you I was gonna do Pacino. 292 00:10:23,624 --> 00:10:25,959 - You sound like an asshole. - Well, you guys are taking bribes now. 293 00:10:26,043 --> 00:10:27,544 That's bullshit. All right, that's it. I'm walkin'! 294 00:10:27,669 --> 00:10:29,213 Oh, you're gonna do Christopher Walken now? 295 00:10:29,296 --> 00:10:30,297 I'm not doing Christopher Walken. 296 00:10:30,380 --> 00:10:31,548 I'm walking from the situation. 297 00:10:31,673 --> 00:10:33,133 - Get the hell out of here. - Go on. Go on. 298 00:10:33,217 --> 00:10:36,136 All right. You guys are crooked cops, and I don't like it. 299 00:10:36,887 --> 00:10:39,348 - The kid's nuts. - He's an idiot. Give me my cut. 300 00:10:39,473 --> 00:10:40,474 - Here's five bucks. - Give me that. 301 00:10:40,557 --> 00:10:42,059 - I'll take the 10. - All right. 302 00:10:42,309 --> 00:10:44,102 - I'm keepin' the watch. - Keep the watch. 303 00:10:44,186 --> 00:10:45,771 - I'm going to. - Watch out for the cars. 304 00:10:45,854 --> 00:10:47,856 Whoa! Hey! Hold it. 305 00:10:51,318 --> 00:10:52,861 Hey, toots. Knock, knock. 306 00:10:52,986 --> 00:10:54,154 Can I help you? 307 00:10:54,238 --> 00:10:56,573 The real question is, can we help you? 308 00:10:57,157 --> 00:10:58,200 See, my partner and I have been 309 00:10:58,283 --> 00:11:00,244 cleaning up the streets the past couple days. 310 00:11:00,327 --> 00:11:01,870 - Is that right? - Yeah, that's right. 311 00:11:01,954 --> 00:11:02,955 We know how the system works. 312 00:11:03,038 --> 00:11:04,456 You guys can't get your hands dirty. 313 00:11:04,540 --> 00:11:06,625 But my partner and I, we're not afraid of that. 314 00:11:06,708 --> 00:11:08,502 Now, getting physical, that's not gonna be a problem for us. 315 00:11:08,585 --> 00:11:10,587 Look, we are all on the same team here. 316 00:11:10,671 --> 00:11:12,881 Okay? So if you could fast-track us through, 317 00:11:12,965 --> 00:11:14,925 like, a citizen-deputy type program… 318 00:11:15,008 --> 00:11:16,385 Yeah, and, you know, toss us a couple of badges… 319 00:11:16,468 --> 00:11:17,928 You know, make it all legal. 320 00:11:18,011 --> 00:11:19,137 We can work together on this. 321 00:11:19,221 --> 00:11:22,266 Well, let's see. Oh! You know what? I'm fresh out of badges. 322 00:11:23,016 --> 00:11:24,101 Oh. 323 00:11:24,309 --> 00:11:25,519 - I get it. - I see what you did. 324 00:11:25,602 --> 00:11:27,229 Yeah. See, I sense your sarcasm. 325 00:11:27,312 --> 00:11:28,480 I'm used to it. Okay? 326 00:11:28,564 --> 00:11:30,440 Let me just say… Doesn't help, and I don't appreciate it. 327 00:11:30,566 --> 00:11:31,984 You know what? It just hurts my feelings, 328 00:11:32,067 --> 00:11:33,861 because we are sticking our necks out for you guys, 329 00:11:33,944 --> 00:11:36,405 and, frankly, doing your job better than you are. 330 00:11:36,488 --> 00:11:37,990 Really? Well, I tell you what. 331 00:11:38,073 --> 00:11:40,409 I do know of a neighborhood that could use your help. 332 00:11:40,492 --> 00:11:41,660 Perfect. Where? 333 00:11:41,743 --> 00:11:43,161 Davis? Leroy? 334 00:11:43,412 --> 00:11:44,830 These two Guardian Angels 335 00:11:44,913 --> 00:11:47,207 would love to help you clean up your beat. 336 00:11:52,754 --> 00:11:55,090 Okay, gentlemen, thank you for the ride, um… 337 00:11:55,257 --> 00:11:57,384 Quick question. What time are you picking us up? 338 00:11:57,467 --> 00:11:59,011 - Okay. - No, no, no. Oh, shit. 339 00:12:00,387 --> 00:12:03,140 - Well, we're screwed. - No, Dee, Dee, Dee. Relax, okay? 340 00:12:03,223 --> 00:12:06,226 So, we are in a lower socioeconomic, 341 00:12:06,310 --> 00:12:07,811 African-American neighborhood. 342 00:12:07,895 --> 00:12:08,896 - Yes, we are, but that's okay. - That's okay. 343 00:12:08,979 --> 00:12:09,980 - We're Guardian Angels. - That's fine. 344 00:12:10,105 --> 00:12:11,648 - We're tough, right? - We're tough. 345 00:12:12,191 --> 00:12:14,151 - Okay! Right. - Okay. 346 00:12:14,276 --> 00:12:15,319 - Stop doing that. - Guardian Angels, right? 347 00:12:15,402 --> 00:12:16,486 - We're Guardian Angels. - Okay. 348 00:12:16,570 --> 00:12:18,405 We are blind to this kind of thing. 349 00:12:18,488 --> 00:12:19,489 - Yes, okay. - And we can do this. 350 00:12:19,573 --> 00:12:21,241 We are gonna make these streets safe… 351 00:12:21,366 --> 00:12:23,118 - We are gonna make these streets safe. - Everything is gonna… 352 00:12:23,202 --> 00:12:25,037 That was a gunshot. 353 00:12:25,120 --> 00:12:26,121 We're gonna die here today. 354 00:12:26,205 --> 00:12:27,789 Let's get out of here as quickly as possible. 355 00:12:27,873 --> 00:12:29,750 Let's find a guy and figure out where the bus stop is. 356 00:12:29,833 --> 00:12:31,001 - He seems safe. Let's ask him. - He seems nice. 357 00:12:35,464 --> 00:12:36,465 Whew… 358 00:12:36,965 --> 00:12:38,133 Excuse me, sir. 359 00:12:38,467 --> 00:12:39,801 - Oh, thank God, we found you. - Oh… 360 00:12:39,927 --> 00:12:42,179 We are in a very rough neighborhood, and we are lost. 361 00:12:42,304 --> 00:12:43,305 Yes. Could you please direct us 362 00:12:43,430 --> 00:12:44,765 to the nearest bus stop? 363 00:12:54,316 --> 00:12:55,359 How you doin'? 364 00:12:55,943 --> 00:12:57,444 Uh, hi. How are ya? 365 00:12:57,528 --> 00:12:58,529 I'm good. I'm good. 366 00:12:58,695 --> 00:13:00,989 - You movin' in soon? - Pardon me? 367 00:13:01,532 --> 00:13:03,492 You've been loitering on this corner for the last 20 minutes 368 00:13:03,575 --> 00:13:04,785 like you own the goddamn place. 369 00:13:04,868 --> 00:13:06,161 I don't think I follow you. 370 00:13:06,245 --> 00:13:07,871 Oh, yeah? Don't get cute with me, pal. 371 00:13:07,955 --> 00:13:09,248 I will jam you up so hard. 372 00:13:09,331 --> 00:13:10,874 I will jam you from morning until night. 373 00:13:10,958 --> 00:13:11,959 You wanna get jammed up? 374 00:13:12,042 --> 00:13:13,836 - No. No. - You like gettin' jammed up? 375 00:13:14,378 --> 00:13:15,379 No. 376 00:13:16,213 --> 00:13:17,297 I didn't think so. 377 00:13:18,006 --> 00:13:19,883 Good. Give me that wallet. 378 00:13:20,008 --> 00:13:21,134 Yeah. 379 00:13:21,844 --> 00:13:23,303 - Let's go. Come on. - All right. 380 00:13:24,346 --> 00:13:25,472 What do we got here? 381 00:13:26,974 --> 00:13:27,975 Oh… 382 00:13:28,392 --> 00:13:29,685 Time to hit the ATM, huh? 383 00:13:30,936 --> 00:13:32,604 All right. So, I'll have five hot dogs. 384 00:13:32,688 --> 00:13:34,773 I want you to mash one of 'em up in a bowl. 385 00:13:34,857 --> 00:13:36,441 Put some milk or some water, you know? 386 00:13:36,567 --> 00:13:37,943 Mash it up nice and good, 387 00:13:38,026 --> 00:13:39,486 but, you know, four regulars, 388 00:13:39,570 --> 00:13:41,238 five hot dogs, altogether. 389 00:13:41,321 --> 00:13:42,322 Look, I'm sorry, lieutenant, 390 00:13:42,406 --> 00:13:43,949 but no more free hot dogs. 391 00:13:44,533 --> 00:13:47,077 I mean, look, maybe if it was just you I could swing it, 392 00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:48,453 but it's you, your partner… 393 00:13:48,537 --> 00:13:50,038 And now, I'm feedin' your cat? 394 00:13:50,122 --> 00:13:51,665 - I just can't afford it. - Wait a minute, wait a minute. 395 00:13:51,748 --> 00:13:52,875 - Sorry. - Hold on. 396 00:13:53,417 --> 00:13:54,918 - Hold on. - Oh. 397 00:13:55,502 --> 00:13:57,671 - Where are our hot dogs? - He won't cough up the hot dogs. 398 00:13:57,754 --> 00:14:00,507 This goddamn cat is screwin' up everything. 399 00:14:00,716 --> 00:14:02,259 We gotta get rid of the cat, Dennis. 400 00:14:02,342 --> 00:14:03,844 Tough titties, pal. I'm not gettin' rid of the cat. 401 00:14:03,927 --> 00:14:04,928 Tough titties? 402 00:14:05,053 --> 00:14:06,054 Yeah, tough titties. 403 00:14:06,138 --> 00:14:08,265 Dennis, this thing with the cat has gone too far. 404 00:14:08,557 --> 00:14:09,600 Look. I'm puttin' my foot down. 405 00:14:09,725 --> 00:14:11,602 It's gonna be either the cat or me. 406 00:14:11,727 --> 00:14:13,520 - Okay, I choose the cat. - All right, then I'm takin' the badge. 407 00:14:13,604 --> 00:14:14,897 Oh! Whoa, whoa… What are you doin'? 408 00:14:14,980 --> 00:14:16,648 You crazy, Frank? Get out of here. 409 00:14:16,732 --> 00:14:18,442 Hey, I bought that badge, I bought this uniform 410 00:14:18,567 --> 00:14:19,818 and I bought that cop car. 411 00:14:19,902 --> 00:14:20,944 I don't give a shit. 412 00:14:21,361 --> 00:14:22,738 I'm gonna tell you something, buddy. 413 00:14:23,071 --> 00:14:25,365 Your days as a cop in this town are over. 414 00:14:25,908 --> 00:14:27,826 You and that mangy cat. 415 00:14:35,918 --> 00:14:39,087 This is a stinkin', dirty hellhole of a town. 416 00:14:40,547 --> 00:14:41,924 And I'm gonna clean it up. 417 00:14:50,265 --> 00:14:51,391 Let's do this thing. 418 00:14:57,648 --> 00:14:59,316 See, now I feel very powerless. I don't like it. 419 00:14:59,399 --> 00:15:01,360 I would like to beat somebody up so I could feel better. 420 00:15:01,485 --> 00:15:02,486 It's like you try to do something good, 421 00:15:02,569 --> 00:15:03,570 and you get nothing in return. 422 00:15:03,654 --> 00:15:05,614 - What is the point? - Respect. 423 00:15:06,573 --> 00:15:07,574 Reward. 424 00:15:08,242 --> 00:15:10,452 Compensation for a job well done. 425 00:15:10,869 --> 00:15:12,412 - What's with the cat? - Don't start in on the cat. 426 00:15:12,496 --> 00:15:14,831 I swear to God, I will jam you into the middle of next week. 427 00:15:14,915 --> 00:15:16,959 We will jam and jam and jam 428 00:15:17,042 --> 00:15:18,961 until there is nothing left of the two of you to jam. 429 00:15:19,044 --> 00:15:20,212 Do you understand what we're saying to you? 430 00:15:20,295 --> 00:15:21,713 - Not really. - Calm down, dude. 431 00:15:21,880 --> 00:15:23,465 All right, here's the situation. 432 00:15:24,216 --> 00:15:25,467 Frank and I got our hands 433 00:15:25,551 --> 00:15:27,553 on a cop car. We were cruisin' around in it. 434 00:15:27,678 --> 00:15:29,721 We were actin' like cops. 435 00:15:29,847 --> 00:15:30,973 Everything was goin' great, 436 00:15:31,056 --> 00:15:32,349 but then it got to Frank's head, 437 00:15:32,474 --> 00:15:33,517 and he squeezed me out. 438 00:15:33,642 --> 00:15:34,893 Now, you two have not begun to feel 439 00:15:35,018 --> 00:15:36,979 the power and respect that you get 440 00:15:37,062 --> 00:15:39,773 when you are cruising around in a cop car. 441 00:15:39,898 --> 00:15:41,066 See, we've been cleaning up the streets, 442 00:15:41,191 --> 00:15:42,234 and all we've gotten is mugged. 443 00:15:42,401 --> 00:15:43,402 You deserve better than that. 444 00:15:43,527 --> 00:15:45,237 - We deserve better than that. - So here's what we gotta do. 445 00:15:45,320 --> 00:15:46,697 We gotta get rid of Frank. 446 00:15:46,822 --> 00:15:48,949 We gotta get our hands on that cop car. 447 00:15:49,032 --> 00:15:50,367 Yeah, okay… 448 00:15:50,450 --> 00:15:52,160 - I'm in. What's the plan? - All right. 449 00:15:52,578 --> 00:15:55,497 Frank's got beef with a certain hot dog vendor, 450 00:15:55,581 --> 00:15:57,708 and I was thinkin', if something bad 451 00:15:57,791 --> 00:15:59,626 were to happen to one of his carts… 452 00:15:59,710 --> 00:16:00,836 Well… 453 00:16:00,919 --> 00:16:02,254 We could put the frame on Frank. 454 00:16:02,337 --> 00:16:04,423 Really get him into some trouble. Right, Jack? 455 00:16:04,506 --> 00:16:06,049 Bingo… 456 00:16:07,092 --> 00:16:08,093 What'd you say, Charlie? 457 00:16:09,553 --> 00:16:10,679 - Hmm? - You just said something. 458 00:16:10,762 --> 00:16:13,056 - No, I was, um… - I think you said, "Bingo." 459 00:16:15,392 --> 00:16:16,518 Yeah, all right. Stop playing with your stupid 460 00:16:16,602 --> 00:16:18,187 tape recorder. Go clean those bathrooms. 461 00:16:18,604 --> 00:16:20,314 That's not… 462 00:16:20,939 --> 00:16:22,566 - Charlie, clean the bathroom. - Mmm? 463 00:16:27,404 --> 00:16:29,072 What is this? 464 00:16:29,156 --> 00:16:31,074 That, right there, is a tale of corruption 465 00:16:31,158 --> 00:16:32,242 and intrigue, 466 00:16:32,326 --> 00:16:35,204 the likes of which are gonna rock this city. 467 00:16:35,662 --> 00:16:37,080 "Spin Doctors mix?" 468 00:16:37,247 --> 00:16:39,875 I taped over the Spin Doctors mix. 469 00:16:40,042 --> 00:16:42,544 Sir, I do not have time to listen to your mix tape. 470 00:16:42,961 --> 00:16:44,546 No, it's not… 471 00:16:44,630 --> 00:16:45,881 Look, uh… 472 00:16:45,964 --> 00:16:47,466 I'm ready to blow my whistle here. 473 00:16:47,591 --> 00:16:48,717 You know what I'm saying? 474 00:16:48,800 --> 00:16:50,719 I got a laundry list of corruption charges, 475 00:16:50,802 --> 00:16:53,263 extortion, bribery, junkyard cats. 476 00:16:53,388 --> 00:16:54,765 This is nasty, heavy stuff. 477 00:16:54,890 --> 00:16:57,100 Now, you gonna listen to this tape or not? 478 00:16:57,226 --> 00:16:58,227 No, I am not. 479 00:16:58,644 --> 00:16:59,645 Oh… 480 00:16:59,895 --> 00:17:01,772 Oh, I get it. 481 00:17:02,105 --> 00:17:03,357 You're one of them, eh? 482 00:17:04,441 --> 00:17:06,276 A crooked cop. 483 00:17:06,443 --> 00:17:08,237 Yeah, I get it! 484 00:17:08,570 --> 00:17:10,822 Everybody's a crooked cop, huh? 485 00:17:11,198 --> 00:17:12,950 Am I the only cop left 486 00:17:13,033 --> 00:17:15,077 in Philadelphia who ain't crooked? Oh… 487 00:17:15,160 --> 00:17:16,954 Oh, I see what's happening. 488 00:17:17,120 --> 00:17:19,081 You wanna come at Serpico, huh? 489 00:17:19,164 --> 00:17:20,749 Who wants a piece of Serpico? 490 00:17:20,832 --> 00:17:22,084 'Cause I'll give it to you. 491 00:17:22,167 --> 00:17:24,670 I'll give a piece, 'cause you're forgetting about this. 492 00:17:24,753 --> 00:17:26,922 And you're forgetting about… 493 00:17:27,005 --> 00:17:28,423 Whatever the hell that is. 494 00:17:28,507 --> 00:17:30,175 But you're forgetting about it. 495 00:17:30,300 --> 00:17:32,094 And I'm gonna take this right to the mayor, 496 00:17:32,177 --> 00:17:34,263 and you're gonna remember. 497 00:17:36,431 --> 00:17:39,142 We really gotta do something about these homeless people. 498 00:17:41,812 --> 00:17:44,106 That kitty is really loving this Molotov cocktail. 499 00:17:44,189 --> 00:17:46,483 Oh, there, Jack. That's not a toy. 500 00:17:46,567 --> 00:17:49,444 He's slurping down that gasoline, no problem. What's the deal with that? 501 00:17:49,528 --> 00:17:51,196 Yeah, he's got a thing for gasoline. 502 00:17:51,280 --> 00:17:52,364 He was born in a pool of it. 503 00:17:52,573 --> 00:17:53,740 Hello. 504 00:17:54,908 --> 00:17:56,535 Just stopped in for a cold beer 505 00:17:56,618 --> 00:17:59,538 to enjoy with my free hot dog. 506 00:17:59,621 --> 00:18:02,291 You parked in a red zone. 507 00:18:02,499 --> 00:18:04,835 I'm gonna let it fly this time, but be careful. 508 00:18:04,960 --> 00:18:06,211 Oh, thanks, Frank. 509 00:18:06,295 --> 00:18:08,130 I appreciate that. I'll take care of it. 510 00:18:08,297 --> 00:18:09,548 - Yeah. - In fact, special agent 511 00:18:09,673 --> 00:18:12,384 Bauer and I intend to take care of a few things today. 512 00:18:14,011 --> 00:18:16,388 Oh, hey there, guys. What's goin' on, huh? 513 00:18:16,638 --> 00:18:18,974 Up to no good? A little crime and corruption? 514 00:18:19,057 --> 00:18:20,893 Uh, I hope you guys don't mind if I borrow this. 515 00:18:21,018 --> 00:18:22,686 Whoa, whoa, whoa! Charlie, what are you doing? 516 00:18:23,145 --> 00:18:25,022 Charlie, where you going? 517 00:18:25,105 --> 00:18:26,565 Oh, you know where I'm going, Frank. 518 00:18:26,690 --> 00:18:28,567 - Charlie, drop your weapon. - Don't do that. 519 00:18:28,692 --> 00:18:29,735 What are you doing? 520 00:18:29,818 --> 00:18:32,446 "I'm putting an end to this, right now" is what I'm doing. 521 00:18:32,529 --> 00:18:34,114 Oh, no. Charlie… 522 00:18:34,198 --> 00:18:35,616 We were supposed to be cops. 523 00:18:35,699 --> 00:18:38,368 We were supposed to care about justice, and it got to your head. 524 00:18:38,452 --> 00:18:40,329 - All right, I'll get a hose. - That's not gonna do any good, man. 525 00:18:40,412 --> 00:18:42,331 I doused the whole car full of gasoline. 526 00:18:42,414 --> 00:18:43,415 What? 527 00:18:52,341 --> 00:18:53,383 Whoa! 528 00:19:00,599 --> 00:19:02,559 God damn it, Jack Bauer. 529 00:19:03,227 --> 00:19:05,103 You really are the man. 530 00:19:25,499 --> 00:19:27,334 Okay, Mr. Mayor. 531 00:19:28,001 --> 00:19:30,629 Feast your ears on that Spin Doctors mix.