1 00:00:03,212 --> 00:00:05,380 Goddamn, I'm bored! 2 00:00:05,464 --> 00:00:08,300 - Come on. Let's do something. - We're a little busy here, Frank. 3 00:00:08,383 --> 00:00:10,761 - What the hell are you reading? - In Touch. 4 00:00:10,844 --> 00:00:13,222 In Touch? Why would you read that crap? 5 00:00:13,305 --> 00:00:15,974 We are trying to stay "in touch" with what's happening in the world. 6 00:00:16,058 --> 00:00:18,101 Yeah, I'm sorry if we like to keep ourselves informed. 7 00:00:18,185 --> 00:00:20,020 You want to be informed? Read a newspaper. 8 00:00:20,103 --> 00:00:22,898 Dude! Nobody gets their news from a newspaper anymore. 9 00:00:22,981 --> 00:00:24,733 Ah, no, no, no. But, Dennis, look. 10 00:00:24,816 --> 00:00:26,735 "Plutonium smuggled into Syria." 11 00:00:26,818 --> 00:00:28,820 That's gonna change my life drastically. 12 00:00:28,904 --> 00:00:29,988 That's gonna change everyone's lives! 13 00:00:30,072 --> 00:00:31,365 No one can go to Syria anymore for vacation! 14 00:00:31,448 --> 00:00:32,449 Oh, boo. 15 00:00:32,533 --> 00:00:35,911 Don't you guys get tired of doing nothin' except sitting around drinking? 16 00:00:35,994 --> 00:00:37,287 - What does that mean? - How could you get tired of that? 17 00:00:37,371 --> 00:00:38,455 - Is that a joke? - I don't understand. 18 00:00:38,539 --> 00:00:40,499 Hey-oh! What's up, bitches? What is up? 19 00:00:40,582 --> 00:00:43,085 Turn the TV on right now, dude! This is huge! Turn the TV on! 20 00:00:43,168 --> 00:00:45,379 - I'm gonna be on the news! - Oh, my God. 21 00:00:45,504 --> 00:00:46,505 There was an accident today. 22 00:00:46,588 --> 00:00:47,965 Then the news talker asked Mac what happened. 23 00:00:48,048 --> 00:00:49,299 And he totally went off! 24 00:00:49,383 --> 00:00:51,134 I went off for like 20 minutes. It was amazing. 25 00:00:51,218 --> 00:00:52,636 - I totally popped. - Oh, you popped. 26 00:00:52,719 --> 00:00:53,846 - You're gonna be famous. - Here it is! 27 00:00:53,929 --> 00:00:55,097 Shut up! Shut up! 28 00:00:55,180 --> 00:00:57,266 This is Ken Jacobs coming to you from market street, 29 00:00:57,349 --> 00:00:59,476 where two buses collided just minutes ago. 30 00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:02,145 We talked to one local resident who had this to say. 31 00:01:02,229 --> 00:01:03,480 It was absolutely crazy. 32 00:01:03,564 --> 00:01:06,608 Police are currently investigating the cause of the accident. 33 00:01:06,692 --> 00:01:08,277 Back to you, Jim. 34 00:01:09,194 --> 00:01:10,362 What the hell was that? 35 00:01:10,445 --> 00:01:12,155 - Yeah, you really popped. - I think you're gonna be a star. 36 00:01:12,239 --> 00:01:13,240 - You're gonna be a big star. - No, no, no. 37 00:01:13,323 --> 00:01:14,324 - Be in a magazine. - No, guys. 38 00:01:14,408 --> 00:01:16,660 I talked for, like, 20 minutes about how the traffic system sucks. 39 00:01:16,743 --> 00:01:18,036 - And the lights… - And that we should only 40 00:01:18,120 --> 00:01:19,246 have yellow lights, because then we can 41 00:01:19,329 --> 00:01:21,039 be very cautious but not get stuck in traffic. 42 00:01:21,123 --> 00:01:22,124 - It was great. - Yeah. 43 00:01:22,207 --> 00:01:23,625 That sounds incredibly dangerous and stupid. 44 00:01:23,709 --> 00:01:25,961 No look, the point is that that newscaster… 45 00:01:26,044 --> 00:01:27,379 That bastard newscaster… 46 00:01:27,462 --> 00:01:29,298 - Just went in there and cut it all up… - Cut you all up, dude! 47 00:01:29,381 --> 00:01:32,426 Just to make his corporate bosses happy, which is bullshit. 48 00:01:32,509 --> 00:01:35,220 - Nobody's getting the real news anymore! - That's not real news. 49 00:01:35,304 --> 00:01:38,432 Remember when we made the news show for eighth grade? For social studies? 50 00:01:38,515 --> 00:01:40,934 - Now, see, that was real news. - We didn't distort facts! 51 00:01:41,018 --> 00:01:43,187 - We told it like it was. - Yes! 52 00:01:43,270 --> 00:01:45,647 Yeah, I remember that video. You guys were burning G.I. Joes 53 00:01:45,731 --> 00:01:47,232 and throwing rocks at cats. 54 00:01:47,482 --> 00:01:48,525 That was what was happening! 55 00:01:48,609 --> 00:01:49,818 That's what was going on in the world, man. 56 00:01:49,902 --> 00:01:50,903 That was the truth. 57 00:01:50,986 --> 00:01:52,362 We'd been throwing rocks at cats for years. 58 00:01:52,446 --> 00:01:55,240 We had been! And that's what we were reporting on. 59 00:01:55,324 --> 00:01:56,325 What was happening in the world! 60 00:01:56,450 --> 00:01:57,492 We can make better news. 61 00:01:57,618 --> 00:01:59,369 - We could, Charlie. - You want me to grab my camera? 62 00:01:59,453 --> 00:02:02,497 - Yes. Just like the old days. - Let's go out there. Let's make some news. 63 00:02:02,581 --> 00:02:06,168 I want in on this action, because I am bored to death sitting here. 64 00:02:06,335 --> 00:02:09,338 No, that's a bad idea. Usually when you get involved, somebody gets hurt. 65 00:02:09,421 --> 00:02:10,839 That's ridiculous. 66 00:02:10,923 --> 00:02:12,925 I'm just palling around with the guys. 67 00:02:13,050 --> 00:02:14,676 How's anybody gonna get hurt? 68 00:02:49,211 --> 00:02:50,295 How much more tape… 69 00:02:50,379 --> 00:02:52,172 - I just don't want it to jiggle around. - It's not gonna jiggle. 70 00:02:52,256 --> 00:02:54,550 I don't want to put any more tape on it. I'm the one who's carrying it. 71 00:02:54,675 --> 00:02:56,051 What are you guys doing? 72 00:02:56,134 --> 00:02:57,719 All right, I've put a light on the front of the camera. See. 73 00:02:57,803 --> 00:03:00,305 What this does is it makes the news talker look brighter. 74 00:03:00,389 --> 00:03:01,557 It always looked fine when we did it. 75 00:03:01,640 --> 00:03:03,767 Yeah, I know, but Frank's got a really good idea here. 76 00:03:03,851 --> 00:03:06,812 We're gonna put this stuff on public access TV. 77 00:03:06,937 --> 00:03:08,856 - Anybody can get on that! - Yeah. 78 00:03:08,939 --> 00:03:10,524 What? Nobody watches that shit! 79 00:03:10,607 --> 00:03:13,402 Dude, there's all sorts of great stuff on public access. 80 00:03:13,485 --> 00:03:17,739 Oh, is there? Well, let's see what kind of quality programing we have here. 81 00:03:25,539 --> 00:03:28,542 - What is this? - This is public access. 82 00:03:29,126 --> 00:03:31,461 - God, that is so strange. - Ew. 83 00:03:32,838 --> 00:03:34,089 Should I turn it off? 84 00:03:34,173 --> 00:03:36,633 - No! Well, don't jump to… - We'll just keep it on for a little bit. 85 00:03:36,717 --> 00:03:39,136 Let's watch it for a little while. Let's find out what… 86 00:03:43,182 --> 00:03:44,641 Do it. 87 00:03:44,725 --> 00:03:47,311 - Yeah. Get after it, huh? - Yeah, yeah. 88 00:03:49,271 --> 00:03:51,690 All right, let's turn it off! Turn it off! Shut it off! 89 00:03:51,773 --> 00:03:54,651 Okay. We're gonna go down to the power plant 90 00:03:54,735 --> 00:03:57,613 and talk about how it's giving the whole city cancer. 91 00:03:58,280 --> 00:04:01,533 - Holy shit, dude! I didn't know that! - He's making it up, Charlie. 92 00:04:01,617 --> 00:04:03,160 - Why would you do that? - That's a great story! 93 00:04:03,243 --> 00:04:05,120 - It scares the shit out of everybody. - Scared the shit out of me! 94 00:04:05,204 --> 00:04:06,538 Yeah. Everybody will be terrified. 95 00:04:06,622 --> 00:04:08,749 But we don't want to just scare the shit out of people, Frank. 96 00:04:08,832 --> 00:04:11,043 We want to blow the lid off of real scandals. 97 00:04:11,126 --> 00:04:13,128 - Expose real crime and corruption. - What? 98 00:04:13,212 --> 00:04:16,673 People don't care about that shit, okay. They want glitz and glamour, celebrities. 99 00:04:16,757 --> 00:04:18,592 They want to read about shit that's gonna help them forget 100 00:04:18,675 --> 00:04:19,968 how miserable their lives are. 101 00:04:20,052 --> 00:04:21,845 Yeah and pretend like they know what it's like to be famous 102 00:04:21,929 --> 00:04:23,305 'cause, really, that's what everybody wants. 103 00:04:23,388 --> 00:04:25,724 Of course everybody wants to be famous, 'cause celebrities get everything. 104 00:04:25,807 --> 00:04:27,351 I mean, it's the easiest job in the world. 105 00:04:27,434 --> 00:04:29,353 You don't even have to do anything anymore to be famous. 106 00:04:29,436 --> 00:04:32,022 No. Look at Paris Hilton. She's just a dirty, drunken whore. 107 00:04:32,105 --> 00:04:33,732 You could be famous for being a dirty, drunk whore. 108 00:04:33,815 --> 00:04:34,983 You're a dirty, drunk whore already. 109 00:04:35,108 --> 00:04:39,029 I'm not. But I could be famous if I just got drunk, went out to a club, 110 00:04:39,112 --> 00:04:41,532 let people shoot some video with their fancy camera phones. 111 00:04:41,615 --> 00:04:43,659 Right. Get a couple of up skirts, a couple nip slips. 112 00:04:43,742 --> 00:04:45,118 Boom. You'd be famous like that. 113 00:04:45,244 --> 00:04:47,246 I think I'd like to avoid the nip slips and up skirts 114 00:04:47,329 --> 00:04:48,705 but I think I see where you're going with this. 115 00:04:48,789 --> 00:04:50,916 I'll talk you into it at some point. And I could be famous 116 00:04:50,999 --> 00:04:52,167 just by being friends with you. 117 00:04:52,251 --> 00:04:54,294 - Absolutely. - Great. Good luck with that. 118 00:04:54,378 --> 00:04:57,089 Frank, Charlie and I are gonna go to where the real action is. 119 00:04:57,297 --> 00:04:58,423 Boom! 120 00:05:00,008 --> 00:05:01,802 Why'd you drag us to a place like this? 121 00:05:01,885 --> 00:05:03,971 It smells like the bottom of a birdcage. 122 00:05:04,096 --> 00:05:06,640 Lots of shady shit goes down in nursing homes, Frank, okay? 123 00:05:06,723 --> 00:05:08,183 These places are like prisons. 124 00:05:08,267 --> 00:05:09,810 Like people getting ass-raped? 125 00:05:09,893 --> 00:05:13,522 - What? Oh, my God, dude. - No, not like people getting ass-raped. 126 00:05:13,605 --> 00:05:15,691 People don't want to be here because they feel like… 127 00:05:15,774 --> 00:05:16,775 Because they're getting ass-raped. 128 00:05:16,859 --> 00:05:18,277 Nobody's getting ass-raped, Frank! 129 00:05:18,360 --> 00:05:20,153 - God, man. - Stop saying "ass-raped." 130 00:05:20,237 --> 00:05:21,530 All right. We're locked and loaded here, man. 131 00:05:21,655 --> 00:05:22,656 I'm ready to shoot this thing. 132 00:05:22,739 --> 00:05:24,825 - Let's talk to this woman. - Yeah, let's go. Come on. Let's move. 133 00:05:24,908 --> 00:05:27,661 Okay, here we go. I'm gonna do, like, a catchphrase thing, okay. 134 00:05:27,744 --> 00:05:30,998 - Ready? In, three, two, one. - Here we go. 135 00:05:31,415 --> 00:05:32,916 Good afternoon, Philadelphia. 136 00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:35,377 This is Mac coming to you live from the Malvin retirement home. 137 00:05:35,460 --> 00:05:38,297 - Go, go, go, go. - Hello, miss. What's your name? 138 00:05:38,630 --> 00:05:40,382 Irvene Simon. 139 00:05:40,465 --> 00:05:43,927 Hello, Irvene. Why don't you tell us what's really going on here? 140 00:05:44,011 --> 00:05:45,345 Cool face. Hold it. Hold it. 141 00:05:45,429 --> 00:05:48,557 Well, I get up around 5:00. 142 00:05:48,640 --> 00:05:52,394 5:30, if it's bingo the night before. 143 00:05:52,477 --> 00:05:55,814 Then I eat breakfast. I like to have fruit. 144 00:05:55,898 --> 00:05:58,317 - She steals the grapes! - I do not! 145 00:05:58,400 --> 00:05:59,818 - Check her purse! - Don't interrupt. 146 00:05:59,902 --> 00:06:01,528 Okay, I think we've covered breakfast. Let's move past it. 147 00:06:01,653 --> 00:06:04,156 - Good save. - Then after breakfast, 148 00:06:04,239 --> 00:06:07,284 I like to sit and read recipes. 149 00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:10,204 I don't even know how to cook. 150 00:06:10,329 --> 00:06:13,790 Is there anything that you want to tell the world, Irvene? 151 00:06:13,874 --> 00:06:16,585 My grandson's birthday's on Friday. 152 00:06:16,668 --> 00:06:20,297 No, no. Is there anything about this place that you don't like? 153 00:06:21,798 --> 00:06:23,467 - The blacks. - Cut! 154 00:06:23,550 --> 00:06:24,801 - Cut! - Cut that! 155 00:06:24,885 --> 00:06:27,262 What are you cutting for? That was just starting to get good. 156 00:06:27,346 --> 00:06:30,224 It was not good, okay? It was the ramblings of a crazy, old racist. 157 00:06:30,307 --> 00:06:31,558 Is it hot in here? 158 00:06:31,683 --> 00:06:32,684 I meant to bring this up. 159 00:06:32,768 --> 00:06:34,520 How are you sweating so much? It's freezing! 160 00:06:34,603 --> 00:06:36,772 - It's freezing! - Yeah. They try to keep them alive. 161 00:06:37,231 --> 00:06:39,983 - Because meat spoils slower in a fridge. - So they keep it cold. 162 00:06:40,067 --> 00:06:41,777 - That interview was terrible. - It was terrible. 163 00:06:41,902 --> 00:06:44,112 - We need a more exciting truth. - We do. Yeah. 164 00:06:44,238 --> 00:06:46,323 - Let's set this place on fire. - Now you're talking. 165 00:06:46,406 --> 00:06:47,616 Let's burn it to the ground! 166 00:06:47,741 --> 00:06:49,451 We're not setting a nursing home on fire! 167 00:06:49,535 --> 00:06:50,911 Those curtains would go up like a snap. 168 00:06:51,036 --> 00:06:53,455 No, we need to find a more exciting part of the city. 169 00:06:53,539 --> 00:06:54,540 Oh, wait a second. 170 00:06:55,207 --> 00:06:56,834 I know just the place. 171 00:06:58,126 --> 00:07:00,587 The shit's always going down in Chinatown, boys! 172 00:07:00,921 --> 00:07:02,798 Okay, okay. Quick conference, guys. 173 00:07:02,881 --> 00:07:05,217 Everyone keep their eyes peeled for drifting. All right? 174 00:07:05,300 --> 00:07:07,386 People here, they love to… Look. Look at this guy. 175 00:07:07,469 --> 00:07:08,971 He's definitely a drifter, all right. 176 00:07:09,054 --> 00:07:11,932 He's going to his car and he's gonna slide it sideways. 177 00:07:12,015 --> 00:07:13,976 Oh, my God. And you know what happens with Tokyo drifting? 178 00:07:14,059 --> 00:07:15,227 It leads to bickering. 179 00:07:15,310 --> 00:07:17,145 - They always bicker. - Which, of course, leads to karate. 180 00:07:17,229 --> 00:07:18,480 Right. Which eventually will lead to 181 00:07:18,564 --> 00:07:21,024 dudes flying from window to window and treetop to treetop. 182 00:07:21,108 --> 00:07:22,317 Shooting lightning bolts 183 00:07:22,401 --> 00:07:23,402 - out of their fingers. - Yeah! 184 00:07:23,485 --> 00:07:25,821 There's the guy that shoots the lightning bolts out of his hands! 185 00:07:25,946 --> 00:07:28,615 He wears the big, straw hat. And he does that. 186 00:07:28,740 --> 00:07:30,576 - We're on the same page. - His eyes go all white and shit. 187 00:07:30,659 --> 00:07:32,119 - Let's do it. - And Kurt Russell fights him. 188 00:07:34,121 --> 00:07:36,373 Oh, my God, dude. The smell is overwhelming. 189 00:07:36,456 --> 00:07:38,250 What the hell are these guys doing? 190 00:07:38,333 --> 00:07:40,961 They're just trading fish for other fish is what it looks like. 191 00:07:41,044 --> 00:07:44,089 They're not even bickering. This isn't gonna lead to karate. 192 00:07:44,173 --> 00:07:47,134 I think what we gotta do is find one sick guy 193 00:07:47,217 --> 00:07:49,344 and do a story about a new pandemic. 194 00:07:49,428 --> 00:07:51,889 No one cares about those kinda things, Frank. 195 00:07:51,972 --> 00:07:53,056 This guy looks sick. 196 00:07:53,140 --> 00:07:55,726 That's the same fish they just passed to each other. 197 00:07:55,809 --> 00:07:57,186 Like bird flu, fish flu. 198 00:07:57,311 --> 00:07:58,729 We gotta get 'em to fight. 199 00:07:58,812 --> 00:08:00,439 They just passed that same fish head back and forth. 200 00:08:00,522 --> 00:08:02,691 - You think we could get 'em to fight? - Whoa. 201 00:08:02,816 --> 00:08:05,027 Here we go. What's that, huh? 202 00:08:05,277 --> 00:08:07,905 - Oh, that looks exciting. - Ooh. Let's go. 203 00:08:07,988 --> 00:08:10,157 That's a bunch of people. Let's go. Come on. 204 00:08:10,240 --> 00:08:11,241 Charlie, fire up that camera. 205 00:08:11,325 --> 00:08:12,701 I'm doing it. 206 00:08:14,453 --> 00:08:15,704 Can you see sweat? Because I'm sweating a little bit. 207 00:08:15,787 --> 00:08:16,788 So much. 208 00:08:16,872 --> 00:08:19,833 - Yeah? It's a lot? Okay. What if I do… - That's better. Go. 209 00:08:19,917 --> 00:08:23,128 Okay. Good afternoon, Philadelphia. We're here in Chinatown, 210 00:08:23,212 --> 00:08:26,798 where a large crowd has gathered for what can only be a martial arts showdown. 211 00:08:26,882 --> 00:08:28,133 You look scared. 212 00:08:28,217 --> 00:08:30,260 I'm not. I'm sorry. I'm just sweating. It's very hot. 213 00:08:30,344 --> 00:08:32,012 - Martial arts. - Okay. Martial arts expo… 214 00:08:32,095 --> 00:08:34,389 Just go in. Go in. 215 00:08:41,605 --> 00:08:43,357 Goddamn it! Love-30. 216 00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:45,609 Whoa. 217 00:08:47,528 --> 00:08:49,154 - A pandemic. - Bird flu! Bird flu! 218 00:08:49,238 --> 00:08:52,032 - I think he's choking, guys. - What? He is choking! 219 00:08:52,115 --> 00:08:53,575 Frank, give him the Heimlich! 220 00:08:53,659 --> 00:08:55,202 I'm not gonna touch him. I don't know what he's got. 221 00:08:55,285 --> 00:08:56,537 - You know the Heimlich? - I don't know the Heimlich! 222 00:08:56,620 --> 00:08:58,038 Punch him in the stomach or something, dude. 223 00:08:58,121 --> 00:09:00,541 Okay. 224 00:09:00,624 --> 00:09:02,918 - Oh, baby! - I did it? 225 00:09:03,001 --> 00:09:05,045 - You okay? - I did it! 226 00:09:05,128 --> 00:09:09,174 I saved your life! I saved your life, bitch! Whoo! Yeah! 227 00:09:09,258 --> 00:09:12,928 That is exactly the kind of stuff we should be filming. 228 00:09:13,053 --> 00:09:14,680 - I'm a hero! - You got that, right, Charlie? 229 00:09:14,763 --> 00:09:17,474 - Yeah. Yeah. I did and I didn't, Frank. - What? 230 00:09:17,558 --> 00:09:18,559 I did and I didn't. 231 00:09:18,642 --> 00:09:20,060 You were pointing the camera at him, right? 232 00:09:20,143 --> 00:09:21,728 You got it, right? The punch and everything, right? 233 00:09:21,812 --> 00:09:22,813 No, I did… 234 00:09:22,938 --> 00:09:24,147 I did point the camera at it. 235 00:09:24,231 --> 00:09:26,650 But you know what? I did not put a tape in here. 236 00:09:27,734 --> 00:09:29,444 - What? - What are you talking about? 237 00:09:29,570 --> 00:09:32,364 All right. The problem was that I got the flashlight on. 238 00:09:32,447 --> 00:09:33,699 And I taped the whole deal up. 239 00:09:33,782 --> 00:09:36,118 I realized I'd have to cut all the tape off to get the tape in. 240 00:09:36,201 --> 00:09:38,287 And I didn't have much more duct tape. So I figured, 241 00:09:38,370 --> 00:09:41,540 stick with the flashlight while we got it. 242 00:09:41,623 --> 00:09:43,083 So you never put a tape in? 243 00:09:43,166 --> 00:09:45,169 While we were out there taping the guys with the fish! 244 00:09:45,252 --> 00:09:48,297 Oh, my God! See what's happening here? We're getting a yelling… 245 00:09:48,380 --> 00:09:52,050 - Yeah, we're gonna get yelling! - Oh, I'm sorry! I forgot to put a tape in! 246 00:09:52,134 --> 00:09:53,552 I forgot to put a tape in! 247 00:09:53,635 --> 00:09:56,638 All right, all right, all right! All right. 248 00:09:56,763 --> 00:10:01,310 Here's what we do. We re-create your heroic moment. 249 00:10:01,393 --> 00:10:03,103 That's it. We do it again. 250 00:10:03,437 --> 00:10:05,230 - We just re-create it? - Yes! 251 00:10:05,314 --> 00:10:08,817 - This time we put a tape in… - Tape in this time, yes. 252 00:10:08,942 --> 00:10:10,527 Take the light off of it maybe. 253 00:10:10,611 --> 00:10:11,695 Yeah, maybe we don't sweat so much. 254 00:10:11,778 --> 00:10:12,905 Maybe we'll wear more makeup. 255 00:10:12,988 --> 00:10:15,282 Don't blame it on my sweat glands, okay? That's not fair. 256 00:10:15,365 --> 00:10:17,492 - We'll just re-create the whole thing. - All right, let's… 257 00:10:17,576 --> 00:10:19,745 - And you know, you can… - And this time I could… 258 00:10:20,329 --> 00:10:21,747 I could look a little bit more heroic. 259 00:10:21,830 --> 00:10:23,332 You could look a lot more heroic, bro. 260 00:10:23,415 --> 00:10:25,000 We'll put enough makeup on you. 261 00:10:25,083 --> 00:10:28,670 You'll look like the shit. All right. Let's just make some news, please. 262 00:10:28,754 --> 00:10:30,214 All right. 263 00:10:34,343 --> 00:10:39,515 Ooh! I feel like we've been standing in this line forever! 264 00:10:39,598 --> 00:10:40,849 For like our lifetimes! 265 00:10:40,933 --> 00:10:43,101 I don't know if we're ever gonna get inside of this place. 266 00:10:43,185 --> 00:10:45,103 Dee, it's a club. You have to wait in a line. 267 00:10:45,187 --> 00:10:46,563 I gotta be honest with you. 268 00:10:46,647 --> 00:10:48,607 I feel like I'm just a little bit too drunk to stand up. 269 00:10:48,690 --> 00:10:49,775 Yeah. You were supposed to wait 270 00:10:49,858 --> 00:10:51,818 and get drunk inside the club, not outside the club. 271 00:10:51,902 --> 00:10:54,738 Nobody gives a shit about a stupid, drunk whore outside of a club. 272 00:10:54,821 --> 00:10:57,199 That's a lot of talking you're doing. I gotta lay down. 273 00:10:57,324 --> 00:11:00,410 Lie down? What are you talking about? What are you doing? Dee? Oh! 274 00:11:01,912 --> 00:11:04,831 Now you're just some stupid, drunk chick lying in garbage. 275 00:11:04,915 --> 00:11:07,960 - Night-night. - "Night-night?" Night-night. Great. 276 00:11:08,043 --> 00:11:09,461 You want to come in with us? 277 00:11:12,089 --> 00:11:14,716 Uh, yeah. 278 00:11:15,384 --> 00:11:17,302 - Here, take this. - What is this? 279 00:11:17,719 --> 00:11:20,347 You'll see. 280 00:11:37,531 --> 00:11:40,784 Oh! Oh, my God! 281 00:11:42,661 --> 00:11:44,663 Holy shit, it's bright out here! 282 00:11:48,959 --> 00:11:51,545 - Dee, get up. Get up! Come on! - What? 283 00:11:52,129 --> 00:11:53,338 Where am I? 284 00:11:53,422 --> 00:11:55,799 I'm crashing pretty hard. I need to go home and get some sleep. 285 00:11:56,466 --> 00:11:58,010 What happened last night? 286 00:11:58,218 --> 00:12:00,470 Look, don't make me into the bad guy, okay? 287 00:12:00,554 --> 00:12:02,097 I'm going out of my way to make us both famous. 288 00:12:02,181 --> 00:12:03,974 It's not my fault if you're not living up to your end. 289 00:12:04,266 --> 00:12:08,437 Okay. Well, why don't you take my picture now? 290 00:12:09,229 --> 00:12:10,939 Dee, that's not gonna work, okay? 291 00:12:11,023 --> 00:12:12,691 You're not famous yet. You're just some stupid, drunk chick 292 00:12:12,774 --> 00:12:14,109 who slept in her own puke. 293 00:12:14,401 --> 00:12:15,402 - Really? - We'll come back tonight. 294 00:12:15,485 --> 00:12:16,695 Let's go. Come on. Ride's leaving. 295 00:12:17,738 --> 00:12:18,947 Can… 296 00:12:23,577 --> 00:12:27,372 No, come on. I'm not gonna stand in this big line again. 297 00:12:27,456 --> 00:12:28,874 No. Look, we don't have to wait in line. 298 00:12:28,957 --> 00:12:30,834 Famous, drunk whores, they don't wait in line. 299 00:12:30,918 --> 00:12:33,212 They shove their way to the front and they take a shit all over the bouncer. 300 00:12:33,295 --> 00:12:34,296 That's what you're gonna do. 301 00:12:34,379 --> 00:12:36,256 I don't know if I feel comfortable taking a shit on that bouncer. 302 00:12:36,340 --> 00:12:38,300 You just gotta talk down to him a little bit. 303 00:12:38,383 --> 00:12:39,718 All right? Make him feel like he's beneath you. 304 00:12:39,801 --> 00:12:41,386 That way, he'd be too afraid not to let you in. 305 00:12:41,470 --> 00:12:42,471 - Right? - Really? 306 00:12:42,554 --> 00:12:45,224 - The guy doesn't want to lose his job. - I don't know. 307 00:12:45,307 --> 00:12:48,185 Dee, do you want to be famous or not? 308 00:12:48,268 --> 00:12:50,938 - All right? Take a shit on this guy. - Okay. 309 00:12:51,021 --> 00:12:53,065 - Shove your way. Go. Shove, shove. - I can shit on him, I think. 310 00:12:53,148 --> 00:12:56,527 Hey, look out. Jesus, you're in my way! 311 00:12:56,610 --> 00:12:59,279 - Move it! Move it! Hey! - Okay. Good start. 312 00:12:59,363 --> 00:13:00,739 Short stuff, out of my way. 313 00:13:00,822 --> 00:13:02,324 Yeah, you saw me. Hi, there. 314 00:13:02,449 --> 00:13:04,701 - What's your name? - Dee Reynolds. 315 00:13:04,785 --> 00:13:07,621 - You on the list? - List? 316 00:13:07,704 --> 00:13:10,290 I don't need to be on that list, you idiot. 317 00:13:10,374 --> 00:13:13,919 You piece of dirt. Who are you? I step on you. 318 00:13:14,169 --> 00:13:16,255 I clean you off of my shoes at night. 319 00:13:16,338 --> 00:13:17,965 I step on you, and then I throw away the shoe. 320 00:13:18,048 --> 00:13:20,133 And that shoe that I just threw away, 321 00:13:20,217 --> 00:13:22,344 that's worth more than your worthless life, mister. 322 00:13:22,427 --> 00:13:26,014 And I am pissed, because I loved that shoe. You dirt. 323 00:13:26,098 --> 00:13:28,559 You piece of subhuman shit. 324 00:13:28,684 --> 00:13:30,686 Whoa, whoa. Dee, take it easy, all right? 325 00:13:30,769 --> 00:13:33,939 You know what? I'm not gonna take it easy, because this talking dump of a bouncer 326 00:13:34,022 --> 00:13:35,816 is starting to get on my nerves. 327 00:13:35,899 --> 00:13:38,360 I'm gonna have you fired, dick hole. 328 00:13:38,443 --> 00:13:40,946 Do you know who I am? Do you have any idea? 329 00:13:41,029 --> 00:13:43,282 Or is your brain too tiny to have ideas? 330 00:13:43,365 --> 00:13:48,287 Is there any kind of thought roaming around in that thick, shit skull of yours? 331 00:13:49,037 --> 00:13:50,247 You with her? 332 00:13:50,330 --> 00:13:51,957 - No! Nope. - What? 333 00:13:52,583 --> 00:13:54,668 - And what is your name? - Dennis Reynolds. 334 00:13:54,751 --> 00:13:56,086 Dennis Reynolds? 335 00:13:56,170 --> 00:13:58,755 Well, what do you know, Dennis Reynolds? You're on the list. 336 00:13:58,839 --> 00:14:00,841 - No, no… - Oh, wow. That's awesome. 337 00:14:00,924 --> 00:14:03,886 What? But you're not gonna go in without me, right? 338 00:14:05,512 --> 00:14:07,055 Uh… 339 00:14:13,729 --> 00:14:17,065 Dancing guy! Oh, I love your show, man. 340 00:14:18,358 --> 00:14:20,611 Wow, dancing guy! 341 00:14:20,944 --> 00:14:22,738 - Stop pressing so hard. - Dude, I have to press hard. 342 00:14:22,821 --> 00:14:25,073 You get so nervous, you sweat through it every time. 343 00:14:25,157 --> 00:14:27,326 - Just make sure that it's even. - I'm gonna make it even, man! 344 00:14:27,409 --> 00:14:30,787 You need to just start calming down and relaxing a little bit more, man. 345 00:14:30,871 --> 00:14:33,457 I'm very stressed out, Charlie. It's a very stressful situation. 346 00:14:33,540 --> 00:14:35,250 Then relax, dude. Calm yourself a little bit. 347 00:14:35,334 --> 00:14:36,877 - Hey, hey, hey. - I'm sorry. I just… 348 00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:39,379 - No, come on, dude. Shh. - That's not such a… 349 00:14:39,463 --> 00:14:41,465 - Well, it's… - Okay? Come on, dude. 350 00:14:41,548 --> 00:14:45,302 Hey, who's that sexy news guy? It's Mac. 351 00:14:45,427 --> 00:14:46,887 - Yes, it's Mac. - It's Mac. 352 00:14:46,970 --> 00:14:50,724 And he's on the channel whatever we make it on news 353 00:14:51,934 --> 00:14:52,935 Right? 354 00:14:53,060 --> 00:14:54,937 We're gonna make it on the TV 355 00:14:55,103 --> 00:14:56,396 All right, here it is. 356 00:14:56,480 --> 00:14:58,106 - You go into the building. - You go into the building. 357 00:14:58,190 --> 00:15:00,108 You run out. And get the kitties. 358 00:15:00,192 --> 00:15:02,486 - With the little box of cats, right? - A box of cats. 359 00:15:02,569 --> 00:15:04,821 - And you save them. - You save them! 360 00:15:04,905 --> 00:15:06,448 I save them from what? 361 00:15:09,326 --> 00:15:10,327 Uh… 362 00:15:10,827 --> 00:15:13,163 - Are you gonna set the building on fire? - No! 363 00:15:13,247 --> 00:15:14,456 Charlie, are you gonna set the building on fire? 364 00:15:14,540 --> 00:15:15,874 - Yes. - Goddamn it! 365 00:15:15,958 --> 00:15:17,751 You want the show to be a hit or what? 366 00:15:17,835 --> 00:15:19,670 I am not running into a burning building! 367 00:15:19,753 --> 00:15:21,088 It's gotta be exciting! 368 00:15:21,171 --> 00:15:23,173 That's what the news talkers… Come on, dude. 369 00:15:23,257 --> 00:15:26,593 Well, I quit. 'Cause I can't seem to get into any of the clubs. 370 00:15:26,677 --> 00:15:28,345 And if I can't get into any of the clubs, 371 00:15:28,428 --> 00:15:30,681 then how the hell am I supposed to get famous? 372 00:15:32,891 --> 00:15:34,309 Three, two, action. 373 00:15:34,393 --> 00:15:36,979 Good evening, Philadelphia. We've just received word 374 00:15:37,062 --> 00:15:39,690 that a litter of adorable kittens is stranded somewhere inside this building. 375 00:15:39,815 --> 00:15:41,692 That could erupt into flames at any moment! 376 00:15:42,192 --> 00:15:43,861 - Who will save them? - Good, good. 377 00:15:43,944 --> 00:15:46,280 - Now shoot the building now. - What? Okay. 378 00:15:46,864 --> 00:15:48,657 - Who will save them? - Move, dude! 379 00:15:48,740 --> 00:15:50,534 I know, but I'm saying, if I could get into the… 380 00:15:50,617 --> 00:15:53,287 - Go. - Calm down, calm down, calm down, dude! 381 00:15:53,453 --> 00:15:56,164 So I just go grab the box of kittens and run out? 382 00:15:56,248 --> 00:16:00,377 Yeah. That's all there is to it. You'll be famous. Everybody loves a hero. 383 00:16:00,502 --> 00:16:01,962 Okay. Sounds easy enough. 384 00:16:02,045 --> 00:16:03,505 Get to it. 385 00:16:07,009 --> 00:16:10,262 It smells overwhelmingly like kerosene in here! 386 00:16:10,345 --> 00:16:13,348 Uh-huh. 387 00:16:16,602 --> 00:16:19,146 I cannot believe you guys. I could've been killed! 388 00:16:19,229 --> 00:16:20,939 Somebody had to save those kittens. 389 00:16:21,064 --> 00:16:23,734 They were trapped inside a burning building, Deandra. 390 00:16:23,817 --> 00:16:26,403 - You set me on fire! - We set the building on fire. 391 00:16:26,486 --> 00:16:28,488 - You just happened to catch on fire. - Barely. 392 00:16:28,572 --> 00:16:30,741 - Yeah, we put you out. - That's right. 393 00:16:30,824 --> 00:16:34,369 I'm on fire! I'm on fire! 394 00:16:35,245 --> 00:16:37,164 Well, I do look really heroic. 395 00:16:37,247 --> 00:16:38,916 - No, you do not look heroic! - How do you figure? Oh, my God! 396 00:16:38,999 --> 00:16:40,000 You threw the box of kittens. 397 00:16:40,083 --> 00:16:42,586 I was on fire! 398 00:16:42,669 --> 00:16:45,005 - We gotta shoot this shit again. - Yeah, like fire hurts. 399 00:16:45,088 --> 00:16:46,423 All right. 400 00:16:47,841 --> 00:16:50,219 - Hey, dancing guy! - That's the man. 401 00:16:50,344 --> 00:16:52,513 - Now this is entertainment. - Oh. 402 00:16:54,056 --> 00:16:56,642 I can't believe… It doesn't make any sense, man. 403 00:16:56,725 --> 00:16:59,394 It's, like, what is he… 404 00:17:00,062 --> 00:17:02,606 What's the time? Diaper time! 405 00:17:02,731 --> 00:17:04,733 What's the time? Diaper time! 406 00:17:04,816 --> 00:17:06,276 - Whoa! - What? 407 00:17:06,610 --> 00:17:07,736 That is weird. 408 00:17:12,032 --> 00:17:14,284 They're really stepping up the insanity here. 409 00:17:14,368 --> 00:17:16,620 - Where do they find these people? - Look at these people. 410 00:17:16,703 --> 00:17:18,705 Do you not find this sad and embarrassing for them? 411 00:17:18,789 --> 00:17:20,249 Those people are pieces of shit. 412 00:17:22,251 --> 00:17:26,046 - But I want to watch it. - So much and so often I want to watch it. 413 00:17:26,129 --> 00:17:28,298 I think we should throw parties and just sort of watch it together. 414 00:17:28,382 --> 00:17:32,010 - Because this is television at its best. - Definitely. 415 00:17:36,223 --> 00:17:38,392 - People love well stories. - Really? 416 00:17:38,475 --> 00:17:40,477 - Yes! - I feel like well stories are played out. 417 00:17:40,644 --> 00:17:42,521 - Who gets stuck in a well anymore? - Kittens do. 418 00:17:42,646 --> 00:17:43,897 - Kittens? - Yeah. 419 00:17:43,981 --> 00:17:45,649 You guys put those kitties in there? 420 00:17:45,732 --> 00:17:47,150 What else were we supposed to put down there, Dee? 421 00:17:47,234 --> 00:17:48,235 Oh, man! 422 00:17:48,318 --> 00:17:51,071 All right, fine. I'll do it. But don't set it on fire, okay? 423 00:17:51,154 --> 00:17:54,074 - I feel like this is dangerous enough. - Deandra, use your head. 424 00:17:54,199 --> 00:17:57,077 - How are we gonna set a well on fire? - It's filled with water. 425 00:17:57,160 --> 00:17:58,871 - Huh? - Get in the well! 426 00:17:58,954 --> 00:18:01,707 - I'm going! - Save the kittens! Save the day! 427 00:18:02,082 --> 00:18:03,876 - Give me the matches. - Yep. 428 00:18:04,835 --> 00:18:06,795 I found the kittens! 429 00:18:07,212 --> 00:18:10,048 Oh, come on! 430 00:18:10,174 --> 00:18:12,092 Okay, it's all good through here. 431 00:18:14,052 --> 00:18:17,848 - Hey! There you go. - She throws the kittens in every take. 432 00:18:17,931 --> 00:18:21,143 Oh, she loves to ruin and ruin and ruin and ruin. 433 00:18:22,394 --> 00:18:24,396 Do you guys mind keeping it down a little bit? 434 00:18:24,521 --> 00:18:26,440 - It's five o'clock in the afternoon. - What the hell? 435 00:18:26,523 --> 00:18:28,901 I was at the club all night. 436 00:18:29,526 --> 00:18:30,861 What? Are you turning into a club kid now? 437 00:18:30,944 --> 00:18:32,779 Oh, man. You guys should've been there, man. 438 00:18:32,863 --> 00:18:35,365 Everybody was there. It was so awesome. 439 00:18:35,449 --> 00:18:39,244 We've been trying to turn Dee into a hero by, like, getting her to rescue kittens 440 00:18:39,328 --> 00:18:42,039 in, you know, compromising situations. You know what I'm talking about? 441 00:18:42,122 --> 00:18:43,832 But she messes up every time! 442 00:18:43,916 --> 00:18:47,085 Hey, what if we set up, like, a conveyor belt situation, right? 443 00:18:47,211 --> 00:18:51,340 Put the cats on that. And then at the end of it, a chopping mechanism. 444 00:18:51,423 --> 00:18:54,510 - Oh, yeah! Let's chop cats! - Hey! This is good! 445 00:18:54,593 --> 00:18:55,969 - No. - Let's chop cats! 446 00:18:56,053 --> 00:19:00,182 No. We don't actually chop the cats. Dee grabs them before they get chopped. 447 00:19:00,265 --> 00:19:01,266 We'll chop a couple cats 448 00:19:01,350 --> 00:19:02,601 - so that you know it's real. - No. 449 00:19:02,726 --> 00:19:05,229 I don't think anybody's really gonna give a shit about a nobody 450 00:19:05,312 --> 00:19:07,356 saving a bunch of kittens or cats or whatever. 451 00:19:07,439 --> 00:19:10,275 But a celebrity saving cats… Then you got a story. 452 00:19:10,400 --> 00:19:12,110 - So what are you suggesting? - Well… 453 00:19:12,319 --> 00:19:14,071 I'm building up quite a reputation around town. 454 00:19:14,154 --> 00:19:16,240 Especially in the club scene. With my connections, 455 00:19:16,323 --> 00:19:18,450 I could probably finally get Dee into some of those clubs. 456 00:19:18,534 --> 00:19:21,203 Once she's in those clubs, I can turn her into a celebrity. 457 00:19:21,286 --> 00:19:23,705 And once she's a celebrity, you guys got a story. 458 00:19:23,789 --> 00:19:25,207 You think she's gonna go for that? 459 00:19:25,290 --> 00:19:27,793 She's pissed at you right now, bro, for ditching her there. 460 00:19:27,876 --> 00:19:30,045 I don't think Dee's that desperate to get famous. 461 00:19:30,128 --> 00:19:31,463 I mean, nobody's that pathetic. 462 00:19:32,089 --> 00:19:34,258 I can't believe how famous I'm about to be! 463 00:19:34,341 --> 00:19:37,177 Why don't you run off to the bathroom and cram a couple fingers down your throat. 464 00:19:37,261 --> 00:19:38,804 Bulimia's really big with this crowd. 465 00:19:38,929 --> 00:19:41,181 Oh, I just tried, but I've been throwing up all day long. 466 00:19:41,265 --> 00:19:43,100 I don't think I have any food left inside of me. 467 00:19:43,183 --> 00:19:45,853 Okay. Well, try harder. Because it's really important, all right? 468 00:19:45,936 --> 00:19:47,896 - Yeah. Okay. - If only just for show. 469 00:19:47,980 --> 00:19:50,148 - Dennis! Hey! - Hey! 470 00:19:50,232 --> 00:19:52,192 These are the girls. All right? Don't screw this up. 471 00:19:52,276 --> 00:19:54,653 These girls can make or break you in this town. 472 00:19:54,736 --> 00:19:57,531 Hey. You look gorgeous. 473 00:19:57,614 --> 00:19:59,616 Hey, listen, ladies. This is my sister. 474 00:19:59,700 --> 00:20:02,536 Notice how disgustingly skinny she is. Isn't it weird? 475 00:20:02,661 --> 00:20:05,205 Oh, my God! You are like crack skinny! 476 00:20:05,289 --> 00:20:07,291 - Oh! Okay! - That's a compliment. 477 00:20:07,374 --> 00:20:10,335 - She throws up all the time. - Oh, my God. I just got done. 478 00:20:10,460 --> 00:20:12,588 I'm sorry if my breath stinks. 479 00:20:12,671 --> 00:20:14,131 Hey, Dennis, want one? 480 00:20:14,214 --> 00:20:16,175 Uh, you know what? Maybe not tonight, ladies. 481 00:20:16,300 --> 00:20:17,551 I'm kinda working on something. 482 00:20:17,676 --> 00:20:20,262 - Oh, come on. Don't be a loser. - Yeah! 483 00:20:21,513 --> 00:20:24,516 Well, uh, all right. Yeah, maybe just one. 484 00:20:24,641 --> 00:20:26,810 Do you have one for my sister, too? 485 00:20:26,894 --> 00:20:29,062 - Sure. - What is it? 486 00:20:29,855 --> 00:20:31,106 You'll see. 487 00:20:33,859 --> 00:20:36,904 Chop, chop, chop. Good! Good! 488 00:20:36,987 --> 00:20:40,282 The cat's dead. I don't see any problems with that other than the fact… 489 00:20:40,365 --> 00:20:41,992 That the camera might see my hand killing the cat. 490 00:20:42,075 --> 00:20:45,078 No Charlie, we're gonna pull the cat out of there before it gets to the chopper. 491 00:20:45,204 --> 00:20:47,748 But if sweet Dee doesn't make it in time, you're gonna see me chop the cat. 492 00:20:47,873 --> 00:20:50,501 - Just don't drop the cat. - I can't make that promise. 493 00:20:50,626 --> 00:20:52,002 - Come on. - Whoa! 494 00:20:52,085 --> 00:20:53,795 Where have you guys been? You look like shit. 495 00:20:53,879 --> 00:20:54,922 I don't want to talk about that. 496 00:20:55,047 --> 00:20:56,048 Did you become celebrities yet? 497 00:20:56,256 --> 00:20:58,050 We're not doing the celebrity thing anymore. 498 00:20:58,175 --> 00:20:59,176 We're done with that. It's stupid. 499 00:20:59,259 --> 00:21:02,554 No. We need you guys. 'Cause we got this great chopping mechanism. 500 00:21:02,679 --> 00:21:05,307 - It's for the news show. - There is no news show, Charlie! 501 00:21:05,390 --> 00:21:07,935 Oh, yes, there is a news show, Dennis! We're gonna put it on public access! 502 00:21:08,018 --> 00:21:10,812 Nobody watches public access. I don't want to be on public access. 503 00:21:10,896 --> 00:21:12,105 What? 504 00:21:13,815 --> 00:21:15,692 Hey! Hey, dancing guy's on! 505 00:21:15,776 --> 00:21:16,860 No, no, no, no! 506 00:21:16,944 --> 00:21:18,695 - Turn that off! - Hey, hey, hey, hey! 507 00:21:18,779 --> 00:21:20,030 Dancing guy's a great show. 508 00:21:20,113 --> 00:21:23,617 - Charlie. No, Charlie. Turn it off, man. - Turn it off! 509 00:21:23,700 --> 00:21:27,538 What's the time? Diaper time! What's the time? Diaper time! 510 00:21:38,382 --> 00:21:41,260 Congratulations, guys. You're famous.