WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.200 --> 00:00:02.520 - [Announcer] From West Hollywood, California, 00:00:02.520 --> 00:00:04.011 the only news team that doesn't know 00:00:04.011 --> 00:00:07.040 what's on the teleprompter before they read it. 00:00:07.040 --> 00:00:10.180 Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. 00:00:10.180 --> 00:00:11.721 This is Breaking News. 00:00:11.721 --> 00:00:14.630 (upbeat music playing) 00:00:14.630 --> 00:00:16.540 - Hello, and welcome to Breaking News, 00:00:16.540 --> 00:00:18.900 the show where we don't know what we're about to say 00:00:18.900 --> 00:00:20.968 and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh. 00:00:20.968 --> 00:00:22.566 I'm Rat Toobin. 00:00:22.566 --> 00:00:24.299 - I'm Lionel Ass. (alarm sounding) 00:00:24.299 --> 00:00:25.830 Our top story tonight, 00:00:25.830 --> 00:00:28.640 I just sold my startup and I'm movin' to Austin. 00:00:28.640 --> 00:00:30.220 America's most overrated city 00:00:30.220 --> 00:00:31.533 just got itself another young, rich guy 00:00:31.533 --> 00:00:33.310 who thinks he's a genius. 00:00:33.310 --> 00:00:34.420 - We here at Breaking News, 00:00:34.420 --> 00:00:36.440 are all very happy to see Lionel leave, 00:00:36.440 --> 00:00:38.670 and expect that he'll do very well in Austin, 00:00:38.670 --> 00:00:40.020 a city that only looks good 00:00:40.020 --> 00:00:41.947 in comparison to the rest of Texas. 00:00:41.947 --> 00:00:44.000 Why don't you tell us about your company? 00:00:44.000 --> 00:00:45.010 - For sure. 00:00:45.010 --> 00:00:48.232 I like to describe it as Uber, but for water bottles. 00:00:48.232 --> 00:00:50.214 - Oh, that's interesting. 00:00:50.214 --> 00:00:53.200 What would you say the top seven features of it are? 00:00:53.200 --> 00:00:54.950 - I'm so glad you asked. 00:00:54.950 --> 00:00:58.060 So, it's available anywhere, which is great 00:00:58.060 --> 00:00:59.990 if you need a water bottle like that. 00:00:59.990 --> 00:01:03.750 It's cheap, which is to say it's affordable, 00:01:03.750 --> 00:01:06.590 not that it's a bad product. It's available now. 00:01:06.590 --> 00:01:08.794 If you go, if you open up your app store right now 00:01:08.794 --> 00:01:11.596 and search for "Uber, but for water bottles," 00:01:11.596 --> 00:01:12.503 it might be there. 00:01:12.503 --> 00:01:14.230 - That's the search term for it? 00:01:14.230 --> 00:01:15.590 - Yeah, Just search for, you'll find it. 00:01:15.590 --> 00:01:17.110 I don't have to tell you the name of the company. 00:01:17.110 --> 00:01:19.833 You all know what it is. You know what? 00:01:21.867 --> 00:01:23.010 It cures cancer, why not? (alarm briefly sounding) 00:01:23.010 --> 00:01:25.100 Let's just say it does. Prove me wrong. 00:01:25.100 --> 00:01:26.640 I mean, I can say anything, I guess. 00:01:26.640 --> 00:01:29.870 Sure, it'll bring pandas back from the brink of extinction. 00:01:29.870 --> 00:01:31.954 It will show you unconditional love, 00:01:31.954 --> 00:01:34.470 and (stumbles over words) 00:01:34.470 --> 00:01:35.910 no one's ever found the end of it. 00:01:35.910 --> 00:01:37.970 That's right, the end of the app, it doesn't exist. 00:01:37.970 --> 00:01:41.560 - Sounds useful. I'm a bit of an app aficionado myself. 00:01:41.560 --> 00:01:43.224 - Really? Why don't you grab your phone, 00:01:43.224 --> 00:01:44.057 and tell us 00:01:44.057 --> 00:01:46.900 what your five most-recently downloaded apps are, 00:01:46.900 --> 00:01:48.740 and why you thought you needed them so badly. 00:01:48.740 --> 00:01:51.343 - Oh, my pleasure. 00:01:52.720 --> 00:01:54.618 How do I find that out, even? 00:01:54.618 --> 00:01:57.151 (Lionel sarcastically squeals) - Go to the app store? 00:01:57.151 --> 00:01:58.100 - App store. 00:01:58.100 --> 00:01:59.930 - Go to your Apple ID? 00:01:59.930 --> 00:02:01.230 App store. 00:02:01.230 --> 00:02:04.110 - And then search for "Uber, but for water bottles." 00:02:04.110 --> 00:02:06.150 - Uh-huh, uh-huh. (Lily laughing) 00:02:06.150 --> 00:02:08.970 Let's see, I downloaded Coinbase, 00:02:08.970 --> 00:02:10.890 'cause I'm getting into crypto. 00:02:10.890 --> 00:02:13.100 I downloaded 00:02:13.100 --> 00:02:15.380 Mutility, 'cause I needed a new 00:02:16.930 --> 00:02:20.430 fucking Magic the Gathering counter app. 00:02:20.430 --> 00:02:24.247 I downloaded Headspace, because my boyfriend told me to, 00:02:24.247 --> 00:02:28.030 and I re-downloaded Lyft because it wasn't loading 00:02:28.030 --> 00:02:29.380 and I thought there was a problem with it, 00:02:29.380 --> 00:02:31.390 and I re-downloaded it, 00:02:31.390 --> 00:02:34.210 and Fly Delta. 00:02:34.210 --> 00:02:35.670 - Of course. Now, I'll be honest. 00:02:35.670 --> 00:02:37.690 This whole thing makes me feel like my idol, 00:02:37.690 --> 00:02:39.360 Mark Zuckerberg, what a guy. 00:02:39.360 --> 00:02:41.370 He's a billionaire, who's more responsible for 00:02:41.370 --> 00:02:43.940 our current dystopia than any single, living person. 00:02:43.940 --> 00:02:46.030 And yet, somehow, I still feel bad for him? 00:02:46.030 --> 00:02:46.900 What a paradox. 00:02:46.900 --> 00:02:48.980 - Totally. You know that picture of him, 00:02:48.980 --> 00:02:50.288 where he forgot to rub in his sunscreen? 00:02:50.288 --> 00:02:51.710 - Yes. - Like he's an eight-year-old, 00:02:51.710 --> 00:02:53.086 who's too excited to be at the water park? 00:02:53.086 --> 00:02:55.078 - Yes, I do. I love it. 00:02:55.078 --> 00:02:57.230 In fact, I'm going to recreate it now, 00:02:57.230 --> 00:02:59.233 with this sunscreen, right now. 00:02:59.233 --> 00:03:00.320 (Carolyn stifling laughter) (alarm briefly sounding) 00:03:00.320 --> 00:03:03.943 The very sunscreen that you see in my hands. 00:03:05.080 --> 00:03:06.650 - Brand neutral sunscreen. 00:03:06.650 --> 00:03:09.970 - Yeah. Yeah, the picture, it's just, 00:03:09.970 --> 00:03:12.970 it's as if, you know in Mrs. Doubtfire, 00:03:12.970 --> 00:03:15.187 when Rob Williams smashes his face 00:03:15.187 --> 00:03:16.528 into a cake, and it's-- 00:03:16.528 --> 00:03:17.780 (newscasters yelling nonsense) 00:03:17.780 --> 00:03:21.190 Yeah, It's like that, but all over an entire body. 00:03:21.190 --> 00:03:22.900 I heard a rumor, that he did this 00:03:22.900 --> 00:03:25.790 because he thought it would disguise him from paparazzi, 00:03:25.790 --> 00:03:29.243 which I think is very funny and very insane. 00:03:30.202 --> 00:03:31.350 (loudly declaring) Oh, Hey look at that. 00:03:31.350 --> 00:03:33.020 - You look like Mrs. Doubtfire, 00:03:33.020 --> 00:03:36.240 trying to fool the Child Welfare Agency. 00:03:36.240 --> 00:03:37.600 Great movie. 00:03:37.600 --> 00:03:40.190 Speaking of which, let's go Sarah Clams 00:03:40.190 --> 00:03:42.640 with a preview of the upcoming films. 00:03:42.640 --> 00:03:45.150 - Thanks, Rat. First though, I wanna say 00:03:45.150 --> 00:03:47.270 that Austin, Texas is a beautiful city, 00:03:47.270 --> 00:03:50.300 whose residents aren't a bunch of self-righteous hicks, 00:03:50.300 --> 00:03:53.360 who only move there to weasel out of paying income tax. 00:03:53.360 --> 00:03:55.178 And also it's opposite day. 00:03:55.178 --> 00:03:58.569 Movie theaters are offering incentives to attract customers 00:03:58.569 --> 00:04:01.000 back to the screens. 00:04:01.000 --> 00:04:04.240 Patrons were scared away by the COVID-19 crisis, 00:04:04.240 --> 00:04:05.400 and the fact that theaters 00:04:05.400 --> 00:04:09.380 are basically the game "Duck Hunt" for mass shooters. 00:04:09.380 --> 00:04:11.270 Bam, bam. When they gonna getcha. 00:04:11.270 --> 00:04:13.530 The nation's largest chain, AMC, 00:04:13.530 --> 00:04:15.677 will let customers drink the butter. 00:04:15.677 --> 00:04:16.540 (Carolyn quietly laughing) (alarm briefly sounding) 00:04:16.540 --> 00:04:19.427 Regal Theaters are just saying, "Fuck it," 00:04:19.427 --> 00:04:22.940 and letting customers sign in to their Netflix, 00:04:22.940 --> 00:04:25.739 and Cinemark is doing HJs. 00:04:25.739 --> 00:04:27.600 Remember Cinemark? No, you don't. 00:04:27.600 --> 00:04:28.929 That's why they need to do HJs. 00:04:28.929 --> 00:04:29.762 - Remember HJs? (alarm sounding) 00:04:29.762 --> 00:04:33.030 - The chains are putting a lot of hope into Marvel movies, 00:04:33.030 --> 00:04:35.790 even though they're clearly past their prime. 00:04:35.790 --> 00:04:38.990 Disney has announced Phase 4 of the series, 00:04:38.990 --> 00:04:43.080 and a source has actually leaked me the plans 00:04:43.080 --> 00:04:47.240 for three movies in Phase 5. 00:04:47.240 --> 00:04:52.230 God, they have all our favorite Marvel super heroes 00:04:52.230 --> 00:04:54.880 meeting and dating. 00:04:54.880 --> 00:04:56.540 They have Dr. Strange. 00:04:56.540 --> 00:04:58.760 Remember Dr. Strange? Creepy. 00:04:58.760 --> 00:05:01.924 He's dating Black Widow in a new movie. 00:05:01.924 --> 00:05:02.757 (Carolyn softly chuckles) (alarm briefly sounding) 00:05:02.757 --> 00:05:04.563 And then also, 00:05:06.370 --> 00:05:07.690 what's his name? 00:05:07.690 --> 00:05:08.523 - No one tell her. 00:05:08.523 --> 00:05:11.090 - Hawkeye. That was a trick question, 00:05:11.090 --> 00:05:12.380 I knew it all along. 00:05:12.380 --> 00:05:15.870 Hawkeye, we finally see how his kids are doing. 00:05:15.870 --> 00:05:17.780 You know how he's always, he's leaving, 00:05:17.780 --> 00:05:19.900 and then he's coming back and he's moving his family? 00:05:19.900 --> 00:05:21.320 Now we get to see them in high school, 00:05:21.320 --> 00:05:23.940 and boy, let me tell ya, they're fucked up emotionally. 00:05:23.940 --> 00:05:24.773 (Carolyn softly chuckling) (alarm briefly sounding) 00:05:24.773 --> 00:05:29.587 And the third movie, Ant Man, he gets lost in a urethra. 00:05:29.587 --> 00:05:30.500 (Carolyn chuckling) (alarm briefly sounding) 00:05:30.500 --> 00:05:32.800 Okay, those are the three. 00:05:32.800 --> 00:05:34.660 - How do you get lost in a urethra? 00:05:34.660 --> 00:05:36.140 - It seems like it's kinda-- - Straight Shot. 00:05:36.140 --> 00:05:38.390 - He thought he was going out, 00:05:38.390 --> 00:05:39.830 but he keeps goin' deeper in. 00:05:39.830 --> 00:05:41.480 - You turn around in the very beginning and then it's just-- 00:05:41.480 --> 00:05:44.138 It's a very cluttered urethra, with a lot of stuff going on. 00:05:44.138 --> 00:05:45.486 - Yeah, it's Grant's urethra. 00:05:45.486 --> 00:05:47.949 - Grant's urethra, that makes sense, then, yeah. Grant Man. 00:05:47.949 --> 00:05:50.749 (alarm briefly sounding) - (wheezing) No! 00:05:50.749 --> 00:05:51.873 - That's very interesting. (alarm briefly sounding) 00:05:51.873 --> 00:05:53.150 - No, no, no! 00:05:53.150 --> 00:05:55.620 - Will there be any new DC movies? 00:05:55.620 --> 00:05:57.700 - There will. 00:05:57.700 --> 00:06:00.640 They're just gonna keep trying to make Superman work. 00:06:00.640 --> 00:06:02.740 This time, Superman 00:06:02.740 --> 00:06:05.430 is played by 00:06:05.430 --> 00:06:08.071 the lanky guy from Succession. 00:06:08.071 --> 00:06:09.220 (Carolyn chuckling) - Cousin Greg? 00:06:09.220 --> 00:06:10.053 - Yes. (alarm sounding) 00:06:10.053 --> 00:06:12.060 Nicholas Braun is playing Superman. 00:06:12.060 --> 00:06:16.770 They're trying to do a wacky reboot. 00:06:16.770 --> 00:06:19.887 Like Superman, but he's frickin' awkward. 00:06:19.887 --> 00:06:20.720 (Laughter escaping Carolyn) (alarm sounding) 00:06:20.720 --> 00:06:23.420 Hopefully, it's enough to save movie theaters. 00:06:23.420 --> 00:06:25.540 Except for Austin's Alamo Draft House, 00:06:25.540 --> 00:06:28.060 which everyone creams themselves over, 00:06:28.060 --> 00:06:30.640 'cause it had the novel idea of offering movies and snacks, 00:06:30.640 --> 00:06:32.740 proving, once again, that the rubes in Texas 00:06:32.740 --> 00:06:34.760 will be impressed by anything. 00:06:34.760 --> 00:06:35.830 - Thanks, Sarah. 00:06:35.830 --> 00:06:38.840 We now go to Weather with Thomas Tickle. 00:06:38.840 --> 00:06:40.780 - I'm sorry, I can't do the weather. 00:06:40.780 --> 00:06:42.300 I'm still blown away 00:06:42.300 --> 00:06:45.660 that anyone would willingly move to Austin, Texas. 00:06:45.660 --> 00:06:47.320 I hate Austin. 00:06:47.320 --> 00:06:50.950 I hate Austin so much, that I've invited a special guest, 00:06:50.950 --> 00:06:55.880 real person, Candice Warring-Greene to join us via Zoom. 00:06:55.880 --> 00:06:58.350 Ms. Warring-Greene, are you with us? 00:06:58.350 --> 00:06:59.990 - Yep. I am. 00:06:59.990 --> 00:07:03.755 - Ma'am, you are a real resident of East Austin, correct? 00:07:03.755 --> 00:07:04.588 - That's right. 00:07:04.588 --> 00:07:06.100 - And you were recently awarded 00:07:06.100 --> 00:07:08.490 the mayor's spurs to the city 00:07:08.490 --> 00:07:11.540 for your work creating safe play areas at libraries 00:07:11.540 --> 00:07:15.130 for children whose parents needed help finding childcare. 00:07:15.130 --> 00:07:16.540 This led the Austin statesman 00:07:16.540 --> 00:07:18.350 to call you the mother of Austin. 00:07:18.350 --> 00:07:20.750 And one of the city's most beloved residents. 00:07:20.750 --> 00:07:22.320 Is that correct? 00:07:22.320 --> 00:07:23.487 - You are correct. 00:07:23.487 --> 00:07:27.060 (silent disbelief between cast) 00:07:27.060 --> 00:07:28.370 - Sorry, Ms. Warring-Greene, 00:07:28.370 --> 00:07:29.800 I'm just 00:07:31.220 --> 00:07:34.270 (Rat stifling laughter) gearing up to say the next 00:07:36.460 --> 00:07:39.500 line from the prompter. 00:07:39.500 --> 00:07:41.010 I just also want to, on a personal note, 00:07:41.010 --> 00:07:42.943 thank you for all of the work you do, 00:07:44.030 --> 00:07:46.810 and it really is special to meet people 00:07:46.810 --> 00:07:48.160 that are devoting themselves 00:07:48.160 --> 00:07:49.810 to making the world a better place, 00:07:49.810 --> 00:07:53.790 rather than parading all of their misanthropic opinions 00:07:53.790 --> 00:07:56.118 on teleprompters to their friends. 00:07:56.118 --> 00:07:56.951 (Thomas sighs heavily) 00:07:56.951 --> 00:07:59.403 I'm gonna read this text now. 00:07:59.403 --> 00:08:00.540 (alarm sounding twice) 00:08:00.540 --> 00:08:03.820 This is what the teleprompter says. 00:08:03.820 --> 00:08:05.020 - Such a baby. 00:08:05.020 --> 00:08:08.010 - Does it make you sad, that you work so hard 00:08:08.010 --> 00:08:12.113 to help children, who are stuck living in a garbage place? 00:08:13.040 --> 00:08:15.470 One of your playgrounds is at Barton Springs. 00:08:15.470 --> 00:08:18.000 It's naturally fed pool, that's popular with locals, 00:08:18.000 --> 00:08:21.120 even though it's freezing cold and nobody cleans it. 00:08:21.120 --> 00:08:23.590 Do you think if the land-locked dummies in Austin 00:08:23.590 --> 00:08:26.210 ever saw a real ocean, they'd be so overwhelmed, 00:08:26.210 --> 00:08:27.660 they'd die of a heart attack? 00:08:28.810 --> 00:08:32.163 Speaking of heart attacks, Texas barbecue sucks. 00:08:33.011 --> 00:08:33.844 (Timothy sighing) 00:08:33.844 --> 00:08:37.040 Could someone please teach your morons about sauce? 00:08:37.040 --> 00:08:38.220 Every plate of Texas barbecue 00:08:38.220 --> 00:08:40.840 tastes like the person that made it, 00:08:40.840 --> 00:08:42.640 bland and forgettable. (Candice sighing) 00:08:42.640 --> 00:08:44.060 I don't believe that. 00:08:44.060 --> 00:08:47.900 - Ha ha ha, yeah. Hey lady, where you live sucks. 00:08:47.900 --> 00:08:49.520 I'm sorry. 00:08:49.520 --> 00:08:52.440 - I'm glad I'm not anything like you. 00:08:52.440 --> 00:08:53.760 - One of the largest drivers, 00:08:53.760 --> 00:08:55.940 again, this is all from the prompter. 00:08:55.940 --> 00:08:57.070 One of the largest drivers 00:08:57.070 --> 00:08:59.380 of the local economy is the University of Texas, 00:08:59.380 --> 00:09:00.906 which is embroiled in controversy, 00:09:00.906 --> 00:09:04.960 because they used minstrel music as their fight song. 00:09:04.960 --> 00:09:06.270 Are they not changing it 00:09:06.270 --> 00:09:10.220 because the students there are too stupid to learn a new song, 00:09:10.220 --> 00:09:12.363 or are they just that racist? 00:09:13.450 --> 00:09:14.930 - I wanna do one. (Thomas snorting) 00:09:14.930 --> 00:09:17.500 Austin 6th Street is a popular nightlife district, 00:09:17.500 --> 00:09:19.570 even though it's just 50 identical bars 00:09:19.570 --> 00:09:21.410 that all look vaguely like a rodeo. 00:09:21.410 --> 00:09:24.200 It's like the whole city went to a Kid Rock concert in 1999 00:09:24.200 --> 00:09:26.330 and said, that'll be our aesthetic forever. 00:09:26.330 --> 00:09:28.300 Not a question, more of a comment, I guess. 00:09:28.300 --> 00:09:30.502 - Lots of corporations and C-list celebrities 00:09:30.502 --> 00:09:32.980 are locating to Austin for the tax laws. 00:09:32.980 --> 00:09:35.690 It's basically the Cayman Islands for white people. 00:09:35.690 --> 00:09:38.300 The city also just outlawed homelessness. 00:09:38.300 --> 00:09:40.370 It's a whole town of Ebenezer Scrooges, 00:09:40.370 --> 00:09:42.910 before he met the ghosts, except Scrooge dressed better, 00:09:42.910 --> 00:09:45.050 and didn't have so many suspicious moles. 00:09:45.050 --> 00:09:46.960 - Now, I'm going to say three things 00:09:46.960 --> 00:09:48.606 I don't like about Austin, 00:09:48.606 --> 00:09:52.040 and they're going to be very mean, 00:09:52.040 --> 00:09:54.981 or the director won't let me move on. 00:09:54.981 --> 00:09:56.280 (Candice scoffing) 00:09:56.280 --> 00:09:58.653 Okay, three mean things about Austin. 00:10:00.455 --> 00:10:04.260 When I went, the delicious sweet tea I had, 00:10:04.260 --> 00:10:07.640 they ran out of, and there wasn't enough, and that stinks, 00:10:07.640 --> 00:10:10.833 that they ran out of that great, great sweet tea. 00:10:10.833 --> 00:10:14.830 The thriving, artistic community there 00:10:15.970 --> 00:10:19.430 didn't embrace me immediately 00:10:19.430 --> 00:10:21.860 and make me stay there. 00:10:21.860 --> 00:10:24.560 And instead I had to leave at the end of my vacation. 00:10:24.560 --> 00:10:26.840 And number three, 00:10:26.840 --> 00:10:30.450 Torchy's Tacos shuts down too early. 00:10:30.450 --> 00:10:32.770 What if I want a breakfast taco at night? 00:10:32.770 --> 00:10:33.764 Ever heard of that? 00:10:33.764 --> 00:10:35.310 (Thomas sighs loudly) 00:10:35.310 --> 00:10:38.490 Finally, could you all get over the cowboy boots thing? 00:10:38.490 --> 00:10:41.410 They cost $700, and they're wicked-uncomfortable. 00:10:41.410 --> 00:10:43.545 You look like you're cosplaying as Woody from Toy Story, 00:10:43.545 --> 00:10:46.050 except Woody took care of Andy, 00:10:46.050 --> 00:10:48.060 who grew up to be an interesting person, 00:10:48.060 --> 00:10:50.782 unlike all the kids who have the misfortune 00:10:50.782 --> 00:10:53.280 of being from your hometown. 00:10:53.280 --> 00:10:55.552 Enjoy the rest of your day. 00:10:55.552 --> 00:10:59.710 I'm sorry it'll be in Austin. (Lionel laughing) 00:10:59.710 --> 00:11:00.860 - Thanks for having me. 00:11:04.697 --> 00:11:07.040 (Timothy sighing heavily) 00:11:07.040 --> 00:11:08.420 - That's it for Breaking News, 00:11:08.420 --> 00:11:11.552 but before we go, we'll tell you that tonight's loser is me. 00:11:11.552 --> 00:11:14.670 Their punishment will be eating a plate of Texas BBQ 00:11:14.670 --> 00:11:15.918 and roasting it! 00:11:15.918 --> 00:11:20.149 (gasps) Gimme! Oh, it smells bad. 00:11:20.149 --> 00:11:22.980 Mm, oh, it smells terrible. 00:11:22.980 --> 00:11:23.813 Oh, yeah, look at that. 00:11:23.813 --> 00:11:26.170 - Look at that horrible brisket. Oh, man. 00:11:26.170 --> 00:11:29.620 - Oh, it smells like shit. Oh, my god. 00:11:29.620 --> 00:11:32.911 I bet the cow who made this fuckin' sucked dick. 00:11:32.911 --> 00:11:35.000 (audience laughing) 00:11:35.000 --> 00:11:36.490 Oh, so gross. 00:11:36.490 --> 00:11:41.490 - The cow who made this. (audience and Lionel laughing)