WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.180 --> 00:00:02.530 - [Narrator] From West Hollywood, California, 00:00:02.530 --> 00:00:04.330 the only news team that doesn't know 00:00:04.330 --> 00:00:07.050 what's on the teleprompter before they read it. 00:00:07.050 --> 00:00:10.190 Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points. 00:00:10.190 --> 00:00:12.122 This is Breaking News. 00:00:12.122 --> 00:00:14.700 (upbeat music) 00:00:14.700 --> 00:00:16.660 - [Christine] Hello, and welcome to Breaking News. 00:00:16.660 --> 00:00:18.760 The show where we don't know what we're about to say 00:00:18.760 --> 00:00:21.230 and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh. 00:00:21.230 --> 00:00:23.639 I'm Stacy Drugs. 00:00:23.639 --> 00:00:26.306 (evil laughing) 00:00:30.660 --> 00:00:33.470 - [Amy] And I'm Robert Patinson's Batman. 00:00:33.470 --> 00:00:34.653 Show me the clues. 00:00:35.930 --> 00:00:38.143 - Our top story tonight, a scandal has, 00:00:39.422 --> 00:00:41.810 rocked another Titan of American industry 00:00:41.810 --> 00:00:45.052 as Burt, from Burt's Bees has been indicted. 00:00:45.052 --> 00:00:47.719 (evil laughing) 00:00:53.821 --> 00:00:54.904 - Oh, no. No. 00:00:59.808 --> 00:01:02.475 (laughs loudly) 00:01:05.680 --> 00:01:07.924 I am the world's greatest, 00:01:07.924 --> 00:01:10.870 I am the world's greatest detective. 00:01:10.870 --> 00:01:13.033 I solve crimes with my fists. 00:01:14.330 --> 00:01:17.040 - A spokesperson for the company has denied, 00:01:17.040 --> 00:01:19.010 any wrongdoing on part of Burt. 00:01:19.010 --> 00:01:20.773 The CEO Burt, 00:01:24.812 --> 00:01:28.020 the 10 board members whose names all rhyme with Burt, 00:01:28.020 --> 00:01:29.890 which I can list now. 00:01:29.890 --> 00:01:30.723 Kurt, 00:01:31.565 --> 00:01:32.398 Furt, 00:01:32.398 --> 00:01:34.454 (quietly giggles) 00:01:34.454 --> 00:01:35.510 Lanurt, 00:01:35.510 --> 00:01:36.988 (evil laughing) 00:01:36.988 --> 00:01:37.909 Thanurt, 00:01:37.909 --> 00:01:40.576 (evil laughing) 00:01:43.889 --> 00:01:47.800 Dirt, just Dirt, just Dirt as a name. 00:01:47.800 --> 00:01:48.633 Hurt 00:01:49.590 --> 00:01:50.423 - Plus 00:01:50.423 --> 00:01:51.256 - Hurt plus 00:01:54.035 --> 00:01:54.868 Rurch 00:01:57.040 --> 00:01:57.873 Belanurt. 00:01:59.067 --> 00:02:02.800 - Riddle me this, what's scarier than darkness? 00:02:02.800 --> 00:02:03.633 Bats! 00:02:04.930 --> 00:02:05.763 - For his part, 00:02:05.763 --> 00:02:08.200 Burt has remained mostly silent on the charge, 00:02:08.200 --> 00:02:09.760 which is of course, 00:02:09.760 --> 00:02:10.893 honey laundering. 00:02:12.548 --> 00:02:15.215 (evil laughing) 00:02:19.200 --> 00:02:21.137 - Jim Gordon is my friend. 00:02:23.850 --> 00:02:26.300 - Burt is also under fire for allegations 00:02:26.300 --> 00:02:28.130 that he goes to hives at nights 00:02:28.130 --> 00:02:30.080 and scoops up big handfuls of honey 00:02:30.080 --> 00:02:31.900 like a big hungry bear. 00:02:31.900 --> 00:02:33.750 Security footage shows that he did, 00:02:33.750 --> 00:02:36.630 a Winnie-the-Pooh impression the entire time. 00:02:36.630 --> 00:02:38.540 The footage is locked by court 00:02:38.540 --> 00:02:40.546 but I'll re-enact it for you now. 00:02:40.546 --> 00:02:45.546 - Oh no. 00:02:49.439 --> 00:02:52.272 (laughing loudly) 00:02:58.790 --> 00:03:01.190 I'm very rich and very sad. 00:03:01.190 --> 00:03:02.923 My Butler's name is Alfred. 00:03:04.320 --> 00:03:06.040 I have a bat mobile. 00:03:06.040 --> 00:03:07.720 I have a batarang. 00:03:07.720 --> 00:03:09.490 I have a bat cave. 00:03:09.490 --> 00:03:11.223 I love. 00:03:11.223 --> 00:03:12.720 I love. 00:03:12.720 --> 00:03:16.996 I don't love Lois Lane, that's the other guy. 00:03:16.996 --> 00:03:17.829 I think. 00:03:19.567 --> 00:03:22.734 - [Stacy] (inaudible) 00:03:25.900 --> 00:03:26.920 - [Alfred] Thanks Stacy. 00:03:26.920 --> 00:03:29.240 You know, cardiovascular disease is one 00:03:29.240 --> 00:03:31.530 of the leading health risks in America. 00:03:31.530 --> 00:03:32.710 It's important to make sure 00:03:32.710 --> 00:03:35.390 you're getting your heart rate up every day. 00:03:35.390 --> 00:03:39.370 One of the best ways to do that is by getting scared. 00:03:39.370 --> 00:03:43.090 I recommend all my patients watch a scary video like this. 00:03:43.090 --> 00:03:44.053 Oh no. 00:03:44.900 --> 00:03:45.733 Okay. 00:03:48.000 --> 00:03:49.622 Please. 00:03:49.622 --> 00:03:50.455 - Oh, no. 00:03:52.750 --> 00:03:56.053 - Internet activity, concentrating really hard, 00:03:56.053 --> 00:03:56.886 and then 00:03:56.886 --> 00:03:59.661 (high pitch screaming) 00:03:59.661 --> 00:04:01.180 - Yeah. Ooh 00:04:01.180 --> 00:04:03.730 - Doctor, I'm worried about my sugar intake. 00:04:03.730 --> 00:04:06.110 Do you have any advice for me? 00:04:06.110 --> 00:04:07.470 - Absolutely. 00:04:07.470 --> 00:04:10.700 Glucose interacts with the electrical signals 00:04:10.700 --> 00:04:12.370 to your heart by... 00:04:13.720 --> 00:04:16.690 the, you know, electricity. 00:04:16.690 --> 00:04:19.130 So you can deal with those, 00:04:19.130 --> 00:04:20.870 by 00:04:20.870 --> 00:04:21.870 rubber. 00:04:21.870 --> 00:04:23.150 - Interesting. 00:04:23.150 --> 00:04:27.889 I have a family history of ventricle tachychardia. 00:04:30.180 --> 00:04:32.693 Can you tell me what it is and how to prevent it? 00:04:33.570 --> 00:04:35.128 - Certainly, 00:04:35.128 --> 00:04:38.610 venticular trichotomy. 00:04:39.919 --> 00:04:42.790 There's you know the I'm gonna break down the words for you. 00:04:42.790 --> 00:04:44.810 Ventricular there's vents. 00:04:44.810 --> 00:04:46.510 It goes through your body. 00:04:46.510 --> 00:04:49.820 It's a thing where your body, 00:04:49.820 --> 00:04:51.660 there's too many vents in it. 00:04:51.660 --> 00:04:53.270 There's too many holes in your body, 00:04:53.270 --> 00:04:55.210 so you gotta just not breathe. 00:04:55.210 --> 00:04:56.500 Keep it all in. 00:04:56.500 --> 00:04:59.000 And it's, you know, 00:04:59.000 --> 00:05:01.933 just live your life to the fullest. 00:05:02.950 --> 00:05:04.023 - One last question, 00:05:04.970 --> 00:05:07.330 I hate diet and exercise. 00:05:07.330 --> 00:05:08.400 Is there some sort of 00:05:08.400 --> 00:05:12.050 quack science you can recommend for lazy people like me? 00:05:12.050 --> 00:05:13.470 - You bet there is. 00:05:13.470 --> 00:05:16.650 Introducing Dr. Chocolate's heart healer. 00:05:16.650 --> 00:05:19.580 It's a cattle prod that you electrocute yourself with, 00:05:19.580 --> 00:05:20.980 electricity, baby. 00:05:20.980 --> 00:05:23.610 The electrical current resets 00:05:23.610 --> 00:05:25.090 your natural heart rhythms 00:05:25.090 --> 00:05:28.690 by stimulating neurological impulses. 00:05:28.690 --> 00:05:31.060 - Interesting. Can you demonstrate 00:05:31.060 --> 00:05:33.740 by shocking yourself on the wrist with it? 00:05:33.740 --> 00:05:35.848 - Certainly. 00:05:36.822 --> 00:05:39.722 - [Sam] I have to assume this has been vetted by somebody. 00:05:40.740 --> 00:05:42.210 - How bad is this gonna hurt? 00:05:42.210 --> 00:05:44.360 Do I just press this button and then do it? 00:05:46.762 --> 00:05:49.130 (screams loudly) 00:05:49.130 --> 00:05:50.900 - (inaudible) 00:05:50.900 --> 00:05:52.390 - Thanks doctor 00:05:52.390 --> 00:05:57.170 - With great power comes great responsibility. Aunt May! 00:05:57.170 --> 00:05:59.530 - We'll go now to chip, Captain Jim 00:05:59.530 --> 00:06:00.890 here to give us some tips 00:06:00.890 --> 00:06:03.090 on how to get fish to bite when we're 00:06:03.090 --> 00:06:05.540 out and about this summer. 00:06:05.540 --> 00:06:07.380 Captain, how's the water? 00:06:07.380 --> 00:06:10.210 - [Sam] Oh, it's a beautiful day out here, Stacy. 00:06:10.210 --> 00:06:11.960 The fish are biting 00:06:11.960 --> 00:06:14.830 and these are some beautiful boats, 00:06:14.830 --> 00:06:16.778 rolling through the inlet. 00:06:16.778 --> 00:06:18.360 - Oh, that sounds great. 00:06:18.360 --> 00:06:20.480 I wish I knew more about boating. 00:06:20.480 --> 00:06:23.280 What's the difference between a monohull and a cat? 00:06:23.280 --> 00:06:26.120 - Well, A monohull comes from the Latin, 00:06:26.120 --> 00:06:29.210 mono as in one, and hull as in, 00:06:29.210 --> 00:06:30.350 hull. 00:06:30.350 --> 00:06:32.510 Whereas a cat 00:06:32.510 --> 00:06:34.360 is an animal. 00:06:34.360 --> 00:06:37.930 So they are in fact completely different things. 00:06:37.930 --> 00:06:39.570 One hull, 00:06:39.570 --> 00:06:40.534 a cat. 00:06:40.534 --> 00:06:43.420 (evil laughing) 00:06:43.420 --> 00:06:45.372 - Aha, and how about- 00:06:45.372 --> 00:06:48.039 (evil laughing) 00:06:51.904 --> 00:06:54.163 the difference between a cat and a pontoon? 00:06:55.800 --> 00:06:59.093 - Well, I feel like I've been over the cat part. 00:07:00.664 --> 00:07:02.430 A cat is a feline animal 00:07:02.430 --> 00:07:05.250 and therefore completely separate and distinct 00:07:05.250 --> 00:07:06.420 from a pontoon, 00:07:06.420 --> 00:07:08.690 which comes from the Latin 00:07:08.690 --> 00:07:09.523 pon, 00:07:11.219 --> 00:07:12.490 meaning 00:07:12.490 --> 00:07:14.610 pond, a small body of water, 00:07:14.610 --> 00:07:17.580 and toon, meaning animated. 00:07:17.580 --> 00:07:22.010 An animated body of water, versus a feline species, 00:07:22.010 --> 00:07:24.371 completely different things. 00:07:24.371 --> 00:07:27.923 Only vaguely to do, either of which with, 00:07:28.850 --> 00:07:29.750 boats. 00:07:29.750 --> 00:07:32.220 - I am Groot. 00:07:32.220 --> 00:07:35.480 - You know, folks, even though today is lovely, 00:07:35.480 --> 00:07:39.450 you won't always have such nice conditions out on the water. 00:07:39.450 --> 00:07:42.360 A proper fishermen should be able to 00:07:42.360 --> 00:07:44.870 catch fish blindfolded, 00:07:44.870 --> 00:07:45.703 and I'm, 00:07:46.730 --> 00:07:49.230 oh boy, a proper fisherman. 00:07:49.230 --> 00:07:51.120 So to demonstrate 00:07:51.120 --> 00:07:54.516 I'm going to blindfold myself, right now, 00:07:54.516 --> 00:07:55.630 and do some fishing. 00:07:55.630 --> 00:07:56.630 - Terrific. 00:07:56.630 --> 00:07:59.160 - Now these waters behind me are protected though, 00:07:59.160 --> 00:08:01.690 so instead of catching trout, 00:08:01.690 --> 00:08:04.110 I have a really long pole. 00:08:04.110 --> 00:08:06.103 Long enough to reach Amy. 00:08:07.520 --> 00:08:10.170 At the end of it is a string, 00:08:10.170 --> 00:08:13.143 and at the end of the string is licorice. 00:08:14.240 --> 00:08:16.160 The other newscasters are gonna direct me while 00:08:16.160 --> 00:08:18.863 I use this pole to feed Amy, a little bite, 00:08:19.700 --> 00:08:21.103 of candy. 00:08:22.430 --> 00:08:25.913 - Oh, oh goody goody gumdrops. 00:08:27.500 --> 00:08:29.883 - Let's do glasses over the blindfold. 00:08:31.014 --> 00:08:33.210 (evil laughing) 00:08:33.210 --> 00:08:36.160 Okay, stay in character Sam. 00:08:36.160 --> 00:08:38.240 Okay, long pole. 00:08:38.240 --> 00:08:39.670 I didn't even get a good look at this, 00:08:39.670 --> 00:08:41.866 I vaguely know it's in my hands. 00:08:41.866 --> 00:08:43.250 - To the left, to the left. 00:08:43.250 --> 00:08:44.300 - To the left? 00:08:44.300 --> 00:08:45.133 - Yeah, there you go. There we go. 00:08:45.133 --> 00:08:46.023 - Okay, well there's a pole in the way- 00:08:46.023 --> 00:08:48.000 - There's obstacles so you're going to. 00:08:48.000 --> 00:08:48.970 - And then forward 00:08:48.970 --> 00:08:49.803 - Forward. 00:08:49.803 --> 00:08:51.950 - Little more, your left. 00:08:51.950 --> 00:08:52.783 - My left? 00:08:52.783 --> 00:08:53.616 - Yeah. 00:08:53.616 --> 00:08:54.449 - There you go. 00:08:54.449 --> 00:08:56.501 Well there's you might wanna go over that, so up. 00:08:56.501 --> 00:08:57.334 - Up. 00:08:57.334 --> 00:08:58.167 - Left 00:08:58.167 --> 00:08:59.000 - Left 00:08:59.000 --> 00:08:59.833 - Down. 00:08:59.833 --> 00:09:00.666 - Yep. 00:09:00.666 --> 00:09:01.499 - Very nice. 00:09:01.499 --> 00:09:03.100 - There we go, straight, yeah, straight, yeah. 00:09:03.100 --> 00:09:05.320 - Yeah then straight ahead, you're smooth sailing. 00:09:05.320 --> 00:09:08.322 - A little more right for you. 00:09:08.322 --> 00:09:10.060 - Yeah that's perfect. 00:09:10.060 --> 00:09:11.650 - Bat red vine. 00:09:11.650 --> 00:09:12.932 - Okay, forward, forward. 00:09:12.932 --> 00:09:13.765 You're almost there, 00:09:13.765 --> 00:09:14.830 maybe like another few steps. 00:09:15.825 --> 00:09:16.970 - You are so close. 00:09:16.970 --> 00:09:19.160 - Down now look down, lower. 00:09:19.160 --> 00:09:20.383 - To your right, to your right. 00:09:20.383 --> 00:09:21.216 - To my right. 00:09:21.216 --> 00:09:22.160 - There you go, yeah. 00:09:25.940 --> 00:09:27.240 - Stop playing with me. 00:09:27.240 --> 00:09:28.250 Stop playing with me 00:09:28.250 --> 00:09:29.313 - And more up 00:09:29.313 --> 00:09:30.146 - up 00:09:30.146 --> 00:09:30.979 - Down a lot 00:09:30.979 --> 00:09:32.062 - Down a lot. 00:09:33.070 --> 00:09:33.903 - There you go. 00:09:36.967 --> 00:09:40.823 (cheering and applause) 00:09:40.823 --> 00:09:42.240 - (inaudible) Captain. 00:09:42.240 --> 00:09:43.073 Great work. 00:09:43.073 --> 00:09:44.993 You can take your blindfold off now. 00:09:46.260 --> 00:09:47.093 - There you go. 00:09:47.093 --> 00:09:49.110 - See how easy that was. 00:09:49.110 --> 00:09:51.710 I hope that helps on the high seas. 00:09:51.710 --> 00:09:53.180 Was this the voice I'm doing before? 00:09:53.180 --> 00:09:54.033 I sure hope so. 00:09:54.940 --> 00:09:56.030 - Thanks captain. 00:09:56.030 --> 00:09:57.430 Well, that does it for us. 00:09:57.430 --> 00:09:59.060 But before we go, 00:09:59.060 --> 00:10:01.500 we'll tell you that today's loser is... 00:10:03.390 --> 00:10:04.830 Amy. 00:10:04.830 --> 00:10:07.510 And as punishment they'll have to eat licorice, 00:10:07.510 --> 00:10:09.823 while they shock themselves with a cattle prod. 00:10:10.760 --> 00:10:13.410 - Ooh, pull and peel, you don't do that often. 00:10:13.410 --> 00:10:14.863 - Not red vines at all. 00:10:20.270 --> 00:10:22.233 (laughing loudly)