WEBVTT

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- [Announcer] From West
Hollywood, California,

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the only news team that doesn't know

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what's on the teleprompter
before they read it.

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Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points.

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This is "Breaking News".

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(light music)

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- Hello, and welcome to "Breaking News".

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The show where we don't know
what we're about to say,

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and we aren't allowed to laugh or smile.

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I'm Clifford California.

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- And I'm Homo Simpson.

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A tanker ship full of soap has run aground

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in the Puget Sound off
the coast of Seattle.

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The ship, the largest of
its kind, ran aground.

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Mi scusi

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- (Erika laughs) What?

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Mi scusi

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Mi scusi, mi scusi

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- Che?

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Mi scusi

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- Ah, this is my...

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(hosts chuckles)

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This is my tailor, Luigi Di Beppo.

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I asked him to come in and
make custom suits for everyone.

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I'm sick of this news
team looking like shit.

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(Erika laughs)

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We'll keep the newscast going though.

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Mi scusi, mi scusi

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- The tanker was full of
split pea with ham soup,

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the soup with the largest
tastiness-to-grossness

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lookingness ratio.

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Mi scusi

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President Biden has
said that split pea soup

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is his absolute favorite

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because it's the old-timeiest
of the major soups,

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and that dude is old.

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- So old.

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I mean, listen, he's
obviously better than Trump,

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but we're all clear that he's
at best half dead, right?

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Mi scusi

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(Carolyn laughs)

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Mi scusi

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- Thank you. I don't think
he knows what scuzi means.

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(Carolyn clears throat) At best.

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Watching Biden give a speech

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is like watching a baby play Jenga.

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You know, at some point
everything is gonna fall apart.

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Si, si, si, mi scusi

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- I don't make that means "up."

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Mi scusi

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The EPA says that while...
(Carolyn gasping)

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Mi scusi

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Put these on.

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Mi scusi

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Got it, no problem, gonna do that.

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The EPA says that while the soup

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will be devastating to
the local environment,

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it's oh so savory, just
like mom used to make.

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Mi scusi

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Boy, I miss that home cooking.

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Yeah, no problem.

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- Ew.
- This is totally normal

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thing that tailors do.

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The seven best things
my parents cooked for me

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when I was a kid were...

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Mi scusi

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In the backpack?

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(Carolyn gasps)
(Erika laughing)

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Absolutely, because little
boys carry backpacks to school

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full of bricks,

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and that has everything
to do with tailoring.

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The best things my parents
cooked for me when I was a kid

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were spaghetti and...

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Go that's so heavy, that
is unbelievably heavy.

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Garlic bread.

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- Do it faster, more bricks are coming.

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(Carolyn laughing)

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- Shepherd's Pie, we had a
nice taco night, a beef stew.

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Mi scusi

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Oh, oh my God.

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My mom made a great lemon
poppy-seed tea cake.

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One time she tried to
make a blooming onion,

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like the type from Chili's,

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and it worked out remarkably well

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but we never did it again.

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No problem.

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Whoop, 'kay, and finally...

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Mi scusi

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Sit down wearing all of them.

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Mi scusi

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(Erika laughing)

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You could have learned one
more phrase in Italian.

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Si!
(Erika laughing)

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And finally, cereal.

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- It's a shame to see it
happen to our fair city.

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I love it here.

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If you ever...

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- Mi scusi
- If you ever get a chance

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to spend a weekend in Seattle,

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here's how to do it my way.

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Mi scusi

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My ideal weekend in Seattle

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starts with an early morning
walk around the seaport,

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Mi scusi

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then getting a nice coffee...

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Mi scusi

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Yep, yep, you're scusi-ed.

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Followed by, I don't know
anything about Seattle.

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Mi scusi

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Looking at that pointy
building and then some chowder?

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- Sure.

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- Do they do chowder there?

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- It's a coastal town,
I bet there is chowder.

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- All right, let's do
chowder, and then seafood,

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and then I don't know,
a show, a musical show.

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- Why not.
- Mi scusi, mi scusi

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- Yup, yup, yup.

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- Hey baby, I hear the blues a callin'.

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- Thank you.

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We'll now go to Mary
Sugarshirt with weather.

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Mary, how are we looking this weekend?

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- It's gonna be a scorcher, Clifford.

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Believe it or not,

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it's because of increased
solar flare activity.

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I'm something of an astronomy buff myself.

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- Oh, me too.

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Would you like to answer
some astronomy trivia?

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- Oh yes, please.

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- Great. My tailor is
an astronomy buff too.

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Mi scusi

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For every question you get wrong,

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he's going to hand you a very heavy book

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that you won't be allowed to put down.

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- Amazing.
- Mi scusi

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- Now, what is the only
spacecraft ever to visit Uranus?

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- The Discovery.

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- The correct answer is Voyager.

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- Mi scusi
- So sorry.

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How many planets can be seen
with the naked eye from Earth?

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- Three.

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Mi scusi

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- The answer is in fact five.

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Mercury, Venus, Mars, Jupiter, and Saturn.

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That's one more book for you.
(Erika laughing)

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Which planets in the solar
system have no moons?

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(Erika mumbles)
(Erika laughing)

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Mi scusi

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The answer is not nothing.

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It is in fact, Mercury and Venus.

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- I'm so sorry. I hate to interrupt.

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But wouldn't this be more effective

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if your tailor handed
Mary three heavy books

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for every wrong answer?

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- You know something, you're right.

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What are the four
largest moons of Jupiter?

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- Europa, Io, and (Erika
mumbles) that's it.

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That's the two of 'em.

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Mi scusi

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- Remarkably good answer.

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They are Europa,
Ganymede, Callisto and Io.

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What planet is known as the evening star?

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- Venus, it's Venus.

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- The correct answer is in fact, Venus.

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Way to go.
- Aw.

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- You disappointed my tailor.

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And on the subject of Venus,

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take 30 seconds and describe
in detail NASA's plans

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for an upcoming visit to Venus.

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- As far as I know, there
are no plans to visit Venus.

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Space is now the purview of billionaires.

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- No idea if you're right about that,

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so why don't you hold onto the
rest of those books anyway.

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Mi scusi

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- Perfect.

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(Sam chuckles)

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- Finally, tonight, we'll go
to Ryan Beans with sports.

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- And Ryan,

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you're more in need of a
new suit than any of us.

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So Luigi is gonna do his
special measurements for you.

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Mi scusi

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- Sounds great.

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(Erika laughs hysterically)

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- This might be my last day
working at CollegeHumor.

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Well, the college football
season is heating up...

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(Brennan laughing) Is that a mistake?

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After a national title last year.

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Can Alabama reclaim the crown?

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It's something of a
rebuilding year in Tuscaloosa

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as the Tide lost many of their
superstars to the NFL draft.

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Over in the ACC,

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Clemson continues its
dominance over the league.

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Coach Dabo Swinney

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is running roughshod over his competitors,

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but if Notre Dame finally joins the way,

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they've been threatening to,

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The Tigers could have some competitions.

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(water spraying)

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The best pre-season quarterback

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is no doubt Oklahoma's Spencer Rattler.

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After a...

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Oh, it's different settings.

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After a slow start last year,

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he led the Sooners

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to an absolutely dominant
back half of the season

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in the Big 12 last year.

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He is this year's prohibitive favorite

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for the Heisman trophy.

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Finally, the Big 10 is trying to recover.

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(horn honking)

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What is it have to do with tailoring?

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(horn honking)

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The Big 10 is trying to
recover after a down year

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in which some legacy programs
suffered their worst losses

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in quite some time.
(horn honking)

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Sources say that Penn
State Coach James Franklin

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has a foot out the door,

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making him one of a number
of coaches hanging on by a...

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(cymbals bangs)
(Erika laughing)

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Hanging on by a thread in the east.

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And lest we forget the
PAC 12 remains terrible.

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Back to you in the studio.

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(cymbals bangs)
Damn it.

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- Thanks Ryan.

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- That's it for us.

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But before we go,

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we'll tell you that
tonight's loser is Erika.

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As punishment,

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they have to accept this $50 gift card

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to the Macy's men's store for new suiting.

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Because sometimes, things can be nice.

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Mi scusi

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- I could have used a new suit.

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(Erika laughing victoriously)