WEBVTT

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- [Announcer] From West
Hollywood, California,

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the only news team that doesn't know

00:00:04.330 --> 00:00:07.040
what's on the teleprompter
before they read it.

00:00:07.040 --> 00:00:10.050
Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points.

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This is Breaking News.

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- Hello, and welcome to Breaking News.

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The show where we don't know
what we're about to say,

00:00:18.370 --> 00:00:20.813
and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh.

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I'm Amanda Huganki-

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Hugankiss.

00:00:26.682 --> 00:00:28.830
- And I'm old enough to
remember Amanda Hugankiss

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being a joke on the Simpsons in 1994.

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Death and worse,

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irrelevance, seem closer
every passing day.

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Our top story tonight,

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Yelp is launching a dating service

00:00:38.660 --> 00:00:41.170
for the awful misanthropes
who use their site.

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- Oh, I love Yelp.

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- Me too.

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I like knowing that if I leave anything

00:00:44.990 --> 00:00:46.100
other than a five star review,

00:00:46.100 --> 00:00:48.840
I've materially contributed
to the ongoing immiseration

00:00:48.840 --> 00:00:50.960
of shift workers and that
they're literally powerless

00:00:50.960 --> 00:00:53.841
to defend themselves against
my thoughtless cruelty.

00:00:53.841 --> 00:00:57.370
- The other day I left two
stars for a coffee shop

00:00:57.370 --> 00:00:59.590
where I said the service
wasn't friendly enough

00:00:59.590 --> 00:01:03.493
because for a $1 tip, I
expected my snatch worked like.

00:01:03.493 --> 00:01:05.480
(woman laughing)

00:01:05.480 --> 00:01:06.613
- I read ahead.

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(man laughing)

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(both laughing)

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(laughing and expressing disgust)

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- Then you're gonna love Yelp Date.

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It's a service that matches
you with other Yelp users,

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based on how prick-ish
and unreasonable you seem

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in your essays

00:01:30.673 --> 00:01:33.320
about how your table didn't
have a nice enough view.

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I like to think of them as 500 assholes.

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Boy,

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I wish I'd had Yelp Date

00:01:37.306 --> 00:01:39.043
before I went on the
worst date of my life.

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(woman chuckles)

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Let me think here.

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- Just make one up.

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(laughing)

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- Who's gonna know.

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- So,

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one time I,

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we were supposed to go to a restaurant,

00:01:51.720 --> 00:01:54.070
but the, the reservations fell through.

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So we just ended up going to the dorm room

00:01:56.960 --> 00:01:59.325
and watching Mind of
Mencia against my wishes.

00:01:59.325 --> 00:02:01.430
(woman gasps)
(man laughing)

00:02:01.430 --> 00:02:03.160
- You know, I'd go out on a date with you.

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- Oh yeah.

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- Yeah.

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But I'm a terrible date, ask anyone.

00:02:07.060 --> 00:02:08.590
- Now, what would we do?

00:02:08.590 --> 00:02:10.973
- I'd start off the night arriving

00:02:10.973 --> 00:02:11.960
(sighs)

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two hours late.

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- Okay.

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- The whole time I'd be
calling you and saying,

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"I'm almost there, Just
give me literally a minute."

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(man laughing)

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- Great. So I wouldn't go anywhere.

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- So you wouldn't go anywhere.
- Terrific

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- And then every five minutes,

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"I'm almost there. Just give me a minute."

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This goes on for two hours.

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I pick you up,

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(chuckling)
two hours late.

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(woman chuckling)

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The whole time I'm in a terrible mood.

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- Why are you in a bad mood?

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- Crying.

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And I won't, every time
you try to ask me, I say,

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"It's none of your business. Stop it.

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Okay.

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I don't wanna talk about it."

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And then anytime you
don't ask about it, I say,

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"Don't you care about me?

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Why aren't (laughing) you asking
you what's wrong with me?"

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And then that goes on for two more hours.

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(audience and male anchor laughing)

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And then I get tired,

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I fall asleep wherever we are.

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(man laughing)

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- Behind the wheel?

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- Behind the wheel.

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And then you have to, you have to go home.

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You have to walk home.

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- Well, I wasn't in the car

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when you fell asleep
(laughing) behind the wheel?

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- No.

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- Where was I?

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(woman and audience laughing)
- Fuck you! Fuck you!

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- Well that sounds rough.

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- Oh yeah. I'm a nightmare, baby.

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- We'll go now Captain Cod.

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an Old Sea Salt here.

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What am I saying?

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(chuckling)

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We'll go now, Captain Cod,

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an Old Sea Salt here,

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to tell us how he plans to catch the shark

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that's been terrorizing the town.

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- Aye, you ye know me.

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(pirate music)

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You know how I earn a living.

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I'll find her for ya,

00:03:37.860 --> 00:03:39.340
but you have to pay up.

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Hey!

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- Oh no.

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(sucking teeth)

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- I don't have fingernails

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because I actually know
how to finger a woman.

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(chuckling)

00:03:48.134 --> 00:03:49.600
(scratching noise)

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- Excuse me.

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- I'm sorry.

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(scratching noise continues)

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(man laughing)

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- You land folk have soft hands,

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rich boy hands, never done
a day of work in your life.

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I'll catch this fish and I'll kill it,

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but it ain't gonna be easy.

00:04:05.430 --> 00:04:06.263
- Captain.

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Why don't you draw us a diagram

00:04:07.780 --> 00:04:10.830
of how you'll catch this great white.

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- Hey,

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(scratching noise)

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aint nothing great about her.

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Wait.

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(shredding paper)

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Now, here's me plan.

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What we're gonna do here is,

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we're gonna, this is the shark.

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Wait. No.

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(drawing on board)

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Yeah do.

00:04:29.883 --> 00:04:30.716
All right.

00:04:30.716 --> 00:04:31.860
- There you go.

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- Here's the shark.

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- This is just like in Jaws.

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(grunting)

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- So what we're gonna do

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is we get,

00:04:44.670 --> 00:04:49.098
just a fucking aircraft carrier of a ship.

00:04:49.098 --> 00:04:50.885
- You're gonna need a bigger board.

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- Yeah, yeah, I know.

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(everyone laughing)

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(clapping)

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We just nuke it.

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We nuke that motherfucker,

00:05:05.760 --> 00:05:06.820
straight to kingdom come.

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This is a bomb. It's a very-

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then the shark the,

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we collect the smithereens.

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Aye, that's the plan.

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- Captain that's a little simplistic.

00:05:17.697 --> 00:05:19.922
- Don't you tell me simple!

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(scratching)

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I've been out on the blue,
since you was nothing but a fry,

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which is the name for a baby fish.

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(scratching)

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Been out long enough

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(scratching continues)

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that I learned me some shanties.

00:05:29.120 --> 00:05:33.283
Like this one. Oh my God. Really? Okay.

00:05:33.283 --> 00:05:34.600
(grunts)

00:05:34.600 --> 00:05:35.972
Fuck! Fuck!

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(laughing)

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- Is Erika trying to remember
- Captain.

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- the one shanty she knows.

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- Captain.

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- No, no, no

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(shushing)

00:05:43.219 --> 00:05:45.150
you're gonna sit and listen to me shanty.

00:05:45.150 --> 00:05:45.983
(chuckling)

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- Captain.

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- I remember the tune of that TikTok one.

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- No.
- That's beginners shanty

00:05:49.460 --> 00:05:50.293
this is-

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- Yes.

00:05:51.126 --> 00:05:53.283
♪Rolling down to Old Maui ♪

00:05:53.283 --> 00:05:56.533
♪Me boys rolling down to Old Maui ♪

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♪ What we're now we're bound
from the Arctic ground ♪

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♪ Rolling ♪

00:06:00.145 --> 00:06:02.173
(all sing in unison)
♪ Down to Old Maui. ♪

00:06:02.173 --> 00:06:04.688
♪ Rolling down to Old Ma- ♪

00:06:04.688 --> 00:06:06.984
♪ Rolling down to old Maui ♪

00:06:06.984 --> 00:06:07.817
(clears throat)

00:06:07.817 --> 00:06:09.453
- You'd do very well on TikTok.

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- Ahoy!

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(scratching)

00:06:12.680 --> 00:06:16.060
I don't know what TikTok is.

00:06:16.060 --> 00:06:17.090
- Fair enough.

00:06:17.090 --> 00:06:20.070
- I'm old enough to understand
that Jaws reference too.

00:06:20.070 --> 00:06:22.390
One day I'll die and so
will everyone who knew me

00:06:22.390 --> 00:06:24.580
and it will be like,
I was never even here.

00:06:24.580 --> 00:06:26.563
We'll turn now to Wolf Marinade,

00:06:26.563 --> 00:06:27.396
(news music)

00:06:27.396 --> 00:06:28.470
who here to give us some survival tips

00:06:28.470 --> 00:06:31.215
if we ever find ourselves
stranded in nature.

00:06:31.215 --> 00:06:32.980
- The wilderness.

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Everything you need to know
is right there in the name,

00:06:36.870 --> 00:06:38.810
wilder-ness.

00:06:38.810 --> 00:06:40.400
It's wilder out there.

00:06:40.400 --> 00:06:42.600
If you ever find yourself in a situation

00:06:42.600 --> 00:06:46.020
where it's you versus nature,
you wanna be prepared.

00:06:46.020 --> 00:06:47.970
Food can be hard to come by,

00:06:47.970 --> 00:06:51.570
and this is no time to be
dainty about what you eat.

00:06:51.570 --> 00:06:54.910
Meat is the best source
of calories and protein,

00:06:54.910 --> 00:06:57.720
which your body will need.

00:06:57.720 --> 00:06:59.560
To catch small game.

00:06:59.560 --> 00:07:02.520
You can make a trap out of some reeds.

00:07:02.520 --> 00:07:03.493
Like these.

00:07:05.092 --> 00:07:07.880
(Erika laughing)

00:07:07.880 --> 00:07:10.950
I'll show you how to
make a rudimentary snare

00:07:10.950 --> 00:07:13.272
to trap small animals.

00:07:13.272 --> 00:07:16.660
(Erika laughing)

00:07:16.660 --> 00:07:18.340
Now you might be saying to yourself,

00:07:18.340 --> 00:07:20.270
these are really just sticks.

00:07:20.270 --> 00:07:23.940
How on earth would that turn
into a sophisticated trap?

00:07:23.940 --> 00:07:25.060
And I'm glad you asked.

00:07:25.060 --> 00:07:26.390
What you're gonna wanna do is,

00:07:26.390 --> 00:07:28.770
you're gonna wanna start by
putting one of these sticks

00:07:28.770 --> 00:07:30.370
on the ground,

00:07:30.370 --> 00:07:31.330
right? Just like that,

00:07:31.330 --> 00:07:32.931
pretend that this is the groun-

00:07:32.931 --> 00:07:34.512
pretend I'm tangled.

00:07:34.512 --> 00:07:35.345
(man laughing)

00:07:35.345 --> 00:07:36.490
Pretend that this is ground level.

00:07:36.490 --> 00:07:39.050
Then with one of these other sticks,

00:07:39.050 --> 00:07:40.890
you are going to want to

00:07:43.260 --> 00:07:47.140
tie it, just like sort of this

00:07:47.140 --> 00:07:49.200
in order so that when the animal

00:07:49.200 --> 00:07:50.910
enters the first one of these sticks,

00:07:50.910 --> 00:07:52.680
you'll be able to pull it

00:07:52.680 --> 00:07:54.460
and once you pull it.

00:07:54.460 --> 00:07:56.110
And then with these, this third stick,

00:07:56.110 --> 00:07:57.460
you're gonna wanna eat this one

00:07:57.460 --> 00:08:00.300
because there's no way
on earth this is working

00:08:00.300 --> 00:08:01.290
that's food.

00:08:01.290 --> 00:08:05.400
But in survival situations,
dehydration is a killer.

00:08:05.400 --> 00:08:06.966
There's a chance you'll find yourself

00:08:06.966 --> 00:08:08.992
in an area with no fresh water.

00:08:08.992 --> 00:08:11.100
That doesn't mean you're
out of luck though.

00:08:11.100 --> 00:08:15.040
There's always a water source nearby.

00:08:15.040 --> 00:08:15.873
This one.

00:08:16.725 --> 00:08:18.310
(laughing)

00:08:18.310 --> 00:08:19.931
I see you read ahead Wilderness.

00:08:19.931 --> 00:08:21.493
You've read the next line.

00:08:22.760 --> 00:08:24.373
- Oh baby.

00:08:24.373 --> 00:08:26.590
- Oh baby

00:08:26.590 --> 00:08:29.600
- Grant O'Brien you little wiener.

00:08:29.600 --> 00:08:32.500
This is human urine.

00:08:32.500 --> 00:08:34.980
The risks posed by drinking your own urine

00:08:34.980 --> 00:08:37.910
are very small in
comparison to dehydration.

00:08:37.910 --> 00:08:41.520
You want to be careful
drinking someone else's.

00:08:41.520 --> 00:08:42.464
In this case though,

00:08:42.464 --> 00:08:43.297
(Erika laughing)

00:08:43.297 --> 00:08:44.390
the urine has been sterilized.

00:08:44.390 --> 00:08:48.921
So it's perfectly safe
for me to drink on camera.

00:08:48.921 --> 00:08:52.350
- Oh God.

00:08:52.350 --> 00:08:54.270
- I'll have a swig of it right now

00:08:54.270 --> 00:08:55.910
to show you

00:08:55.910 --> 00:08:58.560
that it's not dangerous.

00:08:58.560 --> 00:09:01.510
- It certainly couldn't be
worse than a hot dog smoothie.

00:09:01.510 --> 00:09:02.830
- What is this?

00:09:02.830 --> 00:09:03.663
- Urine.

00:09:04.730 --> 00:09:05.563
- Sterilized urine?

00:09:05.563 --> 00:09:07.480
- It's sterilized urine.

00:09:07.480 --> 00:09:08.824
- Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug,

00:09:08.824 --> 00:09:09.973
(clapping)

00:09:09.973 --> 00:09:14.163
chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug.

00:09:14.163 --> 00:09:15.360
That's (guggling) not chug.

00:09:15.360 --> 00:09:17.360
Oh my God.

00:09:18.380 --> 00:09:20.040
- Unbelievable.

00:09:20.040 --> 00:09:22.280
- Oh, that does not taste good.

00:09:22.280 --> 00:09:23.523
I hope these tips,

00:09:23.523 --> 00:09:24.356
(expressing disgust)

00:09:24.356 --> 00:09:26.250
keep you safe outdoors.

00:09:26.250 --> 00:09:27.380
- Thanks Wolf.

00:09:27.380 --> 00:09:28.290
That does it for us

00:09:28.290 --> 00:09:30.390
but before, before we go,

00:09:30.390 --> 00:09:33.530
we'll tell you that
tonight's loser is Erika.

00:09:33.530 --> 00:09:35.650
As punishment they have to sing harmony

00:09:35.650 --> 00:09:38.750
to the sea shanty, TikTok style.

00:09:38.750 --> 00:09:41.167
(folk music)

00:09:44.212 --> 00:09:45.163
♪ What do you do ♪

00:09:45.163 --> 00:09:49.163
♪ With the drunken sailor
early in the morning ♪

00:09:49.163 --> 00:09:51.162
♪ Way hay and up she rises ♪

00:09:51.162 --> 00:09:53.161
♪ Way hay and up she rises ♪

00:09:53.161 --> 00:09:53.994
(banging desk)

00:09:53.994 --> 00:09:55.992
♪ Way hay and up she rises ♪

00:09:55.992 --> 00:09:58.383
♪ Early in the morning ♪