WEBVTT

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- [Announcer] From West
Hollywood, California,

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the only news team that doesn't know

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what's on the teleprompter
before they read it.

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Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points.

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This is "Breaking News."

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- Hello, and welcome to "Breaking News,"

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the show where we don't
know what we're about to say

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and we aren't allowed to
smile or laugh, I'm Jeb Bush.

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- And I'm Marco Pubio.

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Our top story tonight,
Santa Claus is real!

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He's been real this whole time!

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The only reason you thought he was fake

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was because your parents asked
him not to come to your house

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because they didn't love you enough.

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- Santa made a public appearance

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with his most trusted advisor, Rudolph,

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to apologize for a controversial
tweet in which he said,

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"The best part of a white
Christmas is the white part."

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(Brennan sighs)

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- (exhales) It's exhausting.

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(Carolyn laughs)
(orchestra hit resounds)

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Mr. Claus claimed that he was
the victim of cancel culture,

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saying, "Joe Biden and the
rest of the Democrat scammers

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have made Christmas so soft."

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He then made a point of showing everyone

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that his sleigh still had a
big, gas-guzzling V8 engine

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and went on a long tangent
about how mask requirements

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reminded him of the Nazis.

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- We can't be surprised
that Santa is a reactionary.

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Look at him, he's a big, old
white guy with a crazy beard

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who lives in the middle of nowhere.

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He looks like he's about to
take a dump in AOC's office.

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The press conference ended abruptly

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when he referred to Blitzen as "fruity."

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- All in all, a shocking
display from Father Christmas,

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Old St. Nick, Kris Kringle,
Saint Nicholas of Myra,

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which is actually the historical saint

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that they believe Santa
Claus was based on.

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Sinterklaas, that jolly
old elf, Santy Claus,

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Fred Claus's brother.
(Mike laughing)

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What the, what's the call
him in the fucking...

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- Papa Gigio!

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- Yes, the Italians refer
to him as Papa Gigio.

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- Mr. Freeze.

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- And Victor Freeze, that's
correct. Yes, absolutely.

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- If I may editorialize, I was
shocked by Santa's behavior.

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I've always thought of Christmas

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as a time-honored celebration

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of a young woman named Mary's virginity,

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and I hate to see it sullied in this way.

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- I know it was always
your favorite holiday.

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Aside from that, though,
in descending order,

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what are your 25 favorite holidays?

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- New Year's, Thanksgiving,
Fourth of July, Memorial Day,

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Black Friday, Black
Thursday, Black Wednesday,

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Black Tuesday, Black Monday,

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Black Saturday, Black Sunday, that's 11.

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Mike Trapp's birthday, Brennan's birthday,

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Alfred's birthday, my
birthday, Pizza Time,

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Ronald McDonald's Fun Day, Sunday Funday,

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Tuesday Boozeday,
Wednesday the Middle Day,

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and that's 20, right?

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Oh my God, five to go.

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New Zealand Independence Day, Canada Day,

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fucking Colombia's Independence Day.

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Presumably they have one.

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And Brazil's Independence
Day and Portugal Day.

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- Tough break for Thanksgiving.

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(Brennan, Carolyn, and Alfred laughing)

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- Very interesting that
you didn't say my birthday.

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- I did, but I'm sorry.

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- We've broken it!
(Carolyn cheers)

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We busted this fucking show wide open!

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- Yeah, fuck you,
"Breaking News!" Anarchy!

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Happy birthday.

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- It would mean more if you sang to me.

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- (gasps) I will!
- Okay, but remember,

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the song "Happy Birthday is copyrighted

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so you'll have to make up an
Applebees-style birthday song.

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- Okay, gladly.

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♪ Brennan's birthday is all day ♪

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♪ That we all can celebrate ♪

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♪ Brennan, Brennan, lord of all ♪

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♪ Ginger man who is kind of tall ♪

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(crew laughing)

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(crew applauding)
(crew cheering)

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- I am just kind of tall.

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- Yeah.
- Yeah, for sure.

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Thank you, now with weather,
here's Gilchrest Savoy,

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the wealthiest man of 1906.

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- Greetings and salutations.

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It is I, Gilchrest Savoy
come to prognosticate

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and prophesize upon the
weekly dews and drops.

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The fiercest westernly
zephyr will begin post-haste

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and carry with it thunder and squall.

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The yowling caterwaul will vociferate nigh

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on three days hence,
after which we can expect

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a gentle dawning of that sweet red morn.

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- Mr. Savoy, you were a man
of great wealth in your time.

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I wonder, how did you go
about making your fortune?

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- (laughs) In my experience, young lady,

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fortunes as vast as mine
are happened upon, not made.

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Lady luck came to see
me, with apple-red cheeks

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just as rosy as your own, and
she blew me a kiss of gold.

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- Now, what does that mean?

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- Cheap Chinese labor built my railroad.

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- I see.

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- (clears throat) Mr. Savoy, is it true

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that you used 1906 technology
to build a time machine,

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and that's how you find
yourself here today?

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- It is indeed.

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Chock-a-block with
whirlygigs and sprockets,

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I set my sextant upon tomorrow

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and trip the light fantastic
towards horizons unknown.

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- Where in time will you travel to next?

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- I will go to the very
end of the Earth itself,

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Why, a time when the Sun
is but a glowing red orb

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in the sky and all life
has ceased to exist.

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I, a lone man, will
stomp upon the wasteland

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that lies before me and think
back at the follies of man

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and how we got to this place.

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I expect it to be in
about five years from now.

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- Mm-hmm, and after that?

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- Well, it's very funny you should ask.

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After that I will move
to the time before life,

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before all life existed on Earth,

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but yet there were still oceans.

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Oceans and rock as far as you can see.

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A strange Earth that you've seen before,

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one that looks very familiar
and yet there is no life,

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not even bones, not
even algae yet present,

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and I will march upon the land and say,

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here was Savoy Gilchrest,
or perhaps Gilchrest Savoy,

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whatever my name was.

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- And seven more times.

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- Ah, I'm very glad you asked that.

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After that my next stop will
be, of course, the War of 1812

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'cause I can barely
remember what it was about

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and I think it would be
good to have a refresher.

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After that, I guess, let's
say 12 years in the future.

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Just seems like a nice round number,

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see what's going on over there.

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I wonder if we'll have flying cars yet.

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My sources say no, but I expect maybe.

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After that we will go to 20 years ago

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and I'll visit my
younger self and tell him

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of all the horrible mistakes
I've made in my life.

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Now, how many visits do we have left?

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- You have four more to go.

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- Great, then I'm just gonna
go to France right now.

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Why change anything?
(Brennan laughs)

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We have medicine and stuff
now. Just go to France.

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- One of your time travel locations

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is France right now.
- Is France.

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- Yes, France is lovely. Why
wouldn't you go to France?

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You think France is better
20 years ago, 50 years ago?

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We've got great technology now.

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They're doing wonderful things.

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The food scene there is incredible!

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I say France right now, and
I'm not changing that answer!

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After that, we're going to go to Australia

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on my favorite holiday,
Brennan's birthday!

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There everyone's going to
celebrate Brennan's birthday

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in the only way they know how,

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will a good old g'day and
a shrimp on the barbie.

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And how many more visits do we have left?

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- Three. (laughs)
- Three more visits!

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Well, that means that we
are gonna go 100.000 years

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into the future and we're just gonna see

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what the fuck's going on there.

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I bet humans won't be around anymore

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and there'll just be weird,
little crab creatures

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scuttling around like in
H. G. Wells's classic,

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"The Time Machine."

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After that, we will go to
(sighs) I guess tomorrow.

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Let's just go to tomorrow. Why not?

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Let's see what's going on there.

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I'll follow myself
around and I'll be like,

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I'll just kinda mock myself

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stepping like one step
behind me the whole time.

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Be a real fucking head trip
for me, Gilchrest Savoy

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or perhaps Savoy Gilchrest,
I don't remember.

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After that, we're gonna
go to, I don't know,

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oh, let's just say Victorian times.

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Everyone likes that fucking shit.

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(Carolyn laughs)
(Brennan exhales)

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- Very good. Will we need
sunscreen this weekend?

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- What is sunscreen?

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- We turn now to Mr. Gizmo
with some great ideas

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for at-home science experiments
to do with your kids.

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- Thanks, Fap.

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This past year has been
tough on curious young minds.

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If you got some kiddos at home

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who need a little science in their lives,

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try making a baking soda volcano.

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(Carolyn gasps)
Okay.

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Ooh, fun!
(Carolyn gasps)

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The kids can build a
volcano out of paper mache,

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and all you need to make it erupt

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is a little baking soda and
vinegar, just like this.

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- They didn't spring for the
prescription goggles, huh?

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- Yeah. Okay!
(explosion resounds)

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Ooh.

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Dude. (laughs)
(Carolyn laughs)

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The kids will love it.
(Mike chuckles)

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So do I still do it?

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Now here are five more
experiments to do with kids,

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and an explanation

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of the complex scientific
principles behind them.

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Uh, science baby.

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Paper mache, glue, water,
paper makes it stop.

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It stops movement.
That's one science thing.

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Hit up my boy, Chrest Gilroy?

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Gilchrest Savoy!
- Savoy for time travel.

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That's a whole experiment.
Just hit him up.

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Call him on the phone. Find his number.

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Baking soda, vinegar without volcano.

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Who knows what'll happen? Crazy, right?

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Put it in your hands. Will it sting?

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I don't know.
(Carolyn giggles)

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Light your house on fire.
See what happens after that.

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It's more a socio-economical
experiment for your family.

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Try a backflip without experience.

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(Carolyn and Brennan chuckling)

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And of course you can show your children

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the greatest experiment
of all, a parent's love.

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- Thanks, Mr. Gizmo.

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That's it for us here at "Breaking News."

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Before we go, we'll tell you
that tonight's loser is me.

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As punishment, I have
to improvise more tweets

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that might have gotten Santa canceled.

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Okay, love to get milk
from big titty bitches.

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(Brennan and Alfred laughing)

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(Brennan exhales)