WEBVTT

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- [Announcer] From West
Hollywood, California,

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the only news team that doesn't know

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what's on the teleprompter
before they read it.

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Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points.

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This is, "Breaking News."

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(theme music plays)

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- Good evening everyone,
welcome to the Breaking News.

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The show where we have no
idea what we're about to say,

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and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh.

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I'm GooGoo DaDa GaGa BaBa MaMa WaWa TaTa.

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- And I'm Dale.

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- Dale? I thought your name was

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Oochi Coochie Bloopsie
Woopsie Loosie Goosie Tootsie?

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- Nope, It's Dale.

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(laughing) It's just, Dale. Shit.

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This strategy's failing already.

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My friends call me,

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no, no (laughing)

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(laughs)

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(while laughing) Doodoo Poopoo

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(laughs)

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Doodoo Poopoo (laughs)

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Mauiwaui Aiyayiyai.

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But you can call me Dale.

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- Our top story tonight,

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the celeb gossip Instagram
account, "Sacrebleu,"

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just posted 450 stories all at once

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with scandalous photos of Ana de Armas

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getting a back rub from Stuart Little.

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Mr. Little was seen on all
fours on top of Armas' back

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doing little karate
chops into her shoulder.

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(laughter)
Apparently,

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while you were out partying,

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Stuart Little was studying
the bones and musculature

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of the human body.

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Later photos show him doing
figure eights on her back

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in his little red race car.

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- Wow, I'm jealous. That Ana
de Armas is a lucky lady.

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(laughs)

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- This is especially
good news for Mr. Little,

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who is renowned for his
bad-boy, give no F's reputation.

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- Oh, no! Not Stuart Little!

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(laughs)

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I'm so upset.

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Not Stuart Little!

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(laughs)

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There's not even. What has he done?

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- She has real tears
coming out of her eyes.

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Just in case you think it's fake,

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there is moistness coming out of her eyes.

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- Let me tell you seven bad
things Stuart Little has done.

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Just to verify, Stuart
Little is the little,

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the little mouse, little bad-boy mouse?

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He fucked my boyfriend.

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(laughter)
Okay? Fucked up, fucked up.

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Then he ate all the
cheese in my apartment.

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Carved a little mouse
hole in our bathroom.

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Every time I go to the bathroom,

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little mice keep coming in, okay?

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Clogged our toilet with
his little mouse turds.

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Human sized toilet, clogged it
with this little mouse turds.

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Fifth: came back for a second
round with my boyfriend,

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while I was home.
(laughter)

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Fucked him in front of me.

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Six: Looked me in the eyes and said,

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"you like that? You like that?"

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Seven: Gave me a little middle
finger when he was done.

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- None of that matters to me,

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Stuart Little, I still love you.

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In other news, Pokemon.

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I really like Pokemon, so this is great.

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Everyone's favorite
anime about dog fighting.

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Oh. (laughs)

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Prices for the trading cards
have skyrocketed in value,

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especially for Gengar, because
he is just way too sexy.

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- Gengar?

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- That's right.

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He's like if Kevin James was
even sexier, and a ghost.

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I've got a- oh no.

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(laughter)

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I've got a wet spot (laughs)

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I've got a wet spot for any creature

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whose body is also its head.

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(laughs)

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Man, Gengar could run a (laughing)

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Man, Gengar could run a train through me,

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(laughing) because he
is, after all, a ghost.

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Oh yes, I'd love nothing
more than for Gengar

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to float inside of me and kiss me,

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(laughs)

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kiss me but from the inside.

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- Wow, I think I'm sweating a little,

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mostly because Amy's making
me feel uncomfortable.

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- A lot of people don't
know what it's like

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to hook up with a ghost.

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But don't worry, I've done the research

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and these are the best practices. (laughs)

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So when you have a hookup with a ghost,

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wetness doesn't matter,
so that doesn't matter.

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(laughter)

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And dryness doesn't matter.

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Best part of hooking up with a ghost

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is you don't have to be in any position.

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They can enter you in any position,

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and you don't even need orifices.

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Like you could be a hole less sponge,

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and the ghost could still fuck you.

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(laughs)

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Because they're inside you,

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if you are able to do some
inner work and look inside you,

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then you could, that's the only
way to be a voyeur I guess,

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is to be able to look inside yourself.

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Touching, touching fingers,
even if you can't feel it,

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is just a good way to
fuck a ghost. (laughs)

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- Wow, I knew more than I
thought about ghost hookups,

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but not the orifice thing.

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We'll go now to Alfred for
news about poison milk?

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- Hi, you have to help me.

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I'm actually Ben Affleck,

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and I've body-swapped into
whoever the fuck this is.

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You have to believe me,

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I saw a shooting star last night,

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from the Beverly Hills mansion that I own,

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and there was a big flash of light.

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- Come on Alfred, stop playing around.

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We have to alert our
viewers about which milk

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is going to make you
a blow your colon out.

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- No, I swear I really am Ben Affleck.

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(with a Boston accent) Oh.

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(laughs)

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- [Lily] Oh, Boston.
- Somebody get me

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a fucking Dunkin Donuts
and some clam chowder.

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- Yeah, I'm not convinced.

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Say five more things only
Ben Affleck would know.

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(laughs)

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- Oh, I'm Ben Affleck, I'm wicked smart.

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Wicked wrote, frickin, what's that? Argo.

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(laughter)

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I got a big old tattoo on
my back, it's a Phoenix,

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it's wicked crazy, dog.

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- Now say five things
that only he would know,

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not something that anyone would know.

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- Took me 12 painful
hours to get that tattoo.

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Eh, I bled a lot.

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I fainted during getting that tattoo.

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The tattoo artist's name was
Jennifer, good old Jennifer.

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(laughter)

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Again, I'm wicked smart,
no one else knows that.

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And, uh, I love the movie Argo.

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(laughs)

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- I don't know why I asked.

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I can't verify any of those things.

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- I guess we'll never
know which brand of milk

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will make you tebid.

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That is a reverse bidet.

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- It's 2%.

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- Disappointing, 2% isn't
a brand like you said.

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- But Ben Affleck has also
been linked to Ana de Armas.

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A theme!

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- True! Love it.

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Now we turn to our
relationship correspondent,

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Young Money Deuteronomy.

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- Thanks, GooGoo.

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I'm currently inside a
three bedroom apartment

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where a very boring
heterosexual third date

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is happening between two 26 year olds.

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My inside sources tell me that
the apartment is inhabited

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by three males who are, quote,

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"gonna go viral and cash
out before we get canceled."

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She's currently being shown a video essay

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detailing why the Snyder
cut is actually good

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and not masturbatory.

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And guess what? The guy made the video.

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Now, according to my sources,

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the date started at a
California Pizza Kitchen,

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where the male unknowingly
took a bite of a jalapeno,

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and had to spend the next 25 minutes

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shitting so hard in the bathroom

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that she had to text him,

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"Are you okay? I can hear
you grunting from the table."

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- Wow, so much number two in this episode.

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- After pizza, the pair
went on a classic date bar.

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The kind of place where
they have cocktails

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written on a chalkboard,

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and the drinks are all fancy
names like "Henley Regatta,"

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even though it's just a gin and tonic.

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Everything costs $16,

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you've never been in a less
comfortable chair in your life.

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They do seem like a good couple though.

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When he asked her to come over,

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there was a long flirty back and forth.

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It went like this, verbatim:

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"Hey baby, you want to see inside

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a two bedroom apartment
in North Hollywood?"

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And she was like, "okay,
I have nothing else to do.

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And also, could you drive me
back to my home afterwards?"

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(laughs)

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And then he was like,

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"Bitch, I'm not an Uber
driver, you can drive yourself.

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Or better yet, you can
get on this Razor scooter

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that I brought to the bar."

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(laughter)

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And then they were like,

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"this sounds like a good
idea, let's do this thing."

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The moral of the story is: pound town.

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- Thank you very much.

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Well, that's all the time we have today.

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Before we go, I must announce
today's loser is, as expected,

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(Amy laughs quietly)
Amy Vorpahl.

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- I don't lose every one.

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- Okay, we'll see how that goes today.

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And as punishment, they
must now tell us what's on

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the entire California Pizza
Kitchen menu, from memory.

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- Okay, um. Sausage party, pineapple city,

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ding-dong town, a big baked potato.

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(laughter)