WEBVTT

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- From West Hollywood, California,

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the only news team that doesn't know

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what's on the teleprompter
before they read it.

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Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points.

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This is,

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Breaking News.

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(news cast music playing)

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- Good evening. And
welcome to Breaking News.

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The show where we don't know
what we're about to say,

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and we're not allowed to smile or laugh.

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My name's Clark Fart.

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- And I'm Grant Anthony O'Brien,

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which is my actual, first,
middle and last name.

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- That's right!

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Which means it's time for
everyone's favorite segment.

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"True Facts about Grant".

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Which, it must be stressed, are not jokes,

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and are just real true actual facts

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about everybody's
favorite unverified bitch.

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- Can I,

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first say,

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before I start reading
on this teleprompter,

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this last one that we did

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is the first thing that
comes up when you Google me.

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(audience laughs)
It's like

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Grant Anthony O'Brien is in the name

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and the video it's so it's-

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people keep like bringing
up shit from that-

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All right.

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- Well maybe this one will now be

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the first one when you Google.

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- Oh, great.

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I love this segment.

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- Really?

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Are you sure you want this?

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We can always not do this.

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- No, I definitely want this

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because I'm a slimy little slug

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who likes to roll around in salts.

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- Oh yeah, bitch?
(audience laughs)

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Is the dirty little cuck ready
to have his face fucked off?

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All to provide three minutes of content

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for diet Quibi.
(Brennan laughs)

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- Wow
- Yes, daddy,

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please make it hurt so good for me, daddy.

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- Oh don't you worry about that bitch,

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cuz this time daddy's going to
fuck you with the lights on.

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First things first,

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since his mid twenties,
Grant's been taking Viagra.

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(Lily laughs)

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Isn't that right, you pig fuck?

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- Yes.

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But it's technically
(Lily and Brennan laugh)

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a cheaper off brand of
Viagra called Sildenafil.

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I buy it off an Indian website

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and the pills arrive loose in an envelope.

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- That can't be true.

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- Now, maybe this is private,

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but would you tell us why you take Viagra?

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- No, it's not private at all.

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I take it to help with my
(Brennan laughs)

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mountain air sickness.

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And also because I had
a little too much sex,

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or too little therapy
to get hard on my own.

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Can I also say, can I, can I also say!

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Fuck it, nevermind.

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Now here to read my social

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security number.
(Grant holds back laugh)

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Is a field reporter named after the amount

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of people I performed oral
sex on, in one night, in 2012.

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(Grant chuckles)

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- Hello,

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I'm Fifty?

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(audience laughs)

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- In one?

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- That can't be right.

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- There was a party that I went to.

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(audience laughs)
- What?

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- They had parties underneath
the supermarket in Brooklyn.

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(audience laughs)

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I guess that's the end of this segment.

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- Let's say every blow job
took a minute and a half.

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- They weren't all to completion.

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- That is 75 minutes.

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- Such a round, even number, 50?

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- So when you walk in you,
you, you check your clothes

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and they write your number on your arm.

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And then, and then.

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Anyway, you can see everybody's number.

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And so you know
- Your-

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how many people are in there.

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- You're positive you blew all 50.

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- I'm positive.

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(Tao laughs)

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- Oh, he's positive.

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In a lot of things.

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(Grant chuckles)

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- Did you, did you have water?
Was there? I mean, fucking-

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- Yeah there was a snack bar.

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(Brennan and audience laugh)

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- Now I'm going to read
out Grant's actual,

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real social security number
and we're not going to bleep it

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because buyer fucking beware
on stealing Grant's identity.

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Yeah good luck with my credit score.

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You'd be absorbing a level
of debt that would make even

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Bernie Sanders say, come on
(Lily and Brennan laugh)

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man, at a certain point
this is your fault.

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(Tao laughs)

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Anyhow!
(Grant chuckles)

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It's (long beep)

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- How do people know that?

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(long beep)

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How would anyone know that?

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- Anything else, Fifty?

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- Yeah, I just want to
say that Grant looks like

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if you took the talented Mr.
Ripley and melted him a little

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in a microwave.

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- Thanks Fifty. Now, Grant, be honest.

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Do you still want to continue doing this?

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- No!

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(audience laughs)

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Oh yes, please.

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I'm getting close now. So close daddy.

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Please get me there.
I'm right on the edge.

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- All right. If that's what you want,

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but first I want you
to do something for me.

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- Yes, daddy. Whatever daddy would like.

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- Lick the bottom of my fucking shoe.

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(Tao laughs)

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- This I don't mind.

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(Grant chuckles)
Yeah- yes, daddy.

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I love licking boots during the third act

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of a global pandemic.

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As long as it's not more facts about me.

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(Grant licks shoe)
- And while you do it,

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I'm going to read out
the line of your contract

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that says exactly how
much you're getting paid

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for this SAG, new media,
micro budget video.

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- Look, I think that's more
on them than anyone else.

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(Grant continues to lick shoe)
- In exchange

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for acting services
rendered, CollegeHumor agrees

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to pay the undersigned- this is making me

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uncomfortable.
(Grant laughs)

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To pay the undersigned
Grant Anthony O'Brien a sum

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of no more than 20% of
basic agreements scale,

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and reserves the right to
use the performer's name,

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image, likeness, and voice in perpetuity

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(Tao gasps)
throughout the universe.

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You can't sign in perpetuity. Moving on.

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Here's a photograph entitled,
"A 2007 Facial Expression

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that Grant Thought Would Look Sexy."

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(Brennan yells)

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(Lily wheezes)

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- Can I tell you something honestly?

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- Wow.
- Brennan's (indistinct).

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No, can I tell you something honestly?

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I'm right. I look great
in that. Look at me.

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I look great in that.
- It's actua- that's not bad.

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Fun fact,

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if you look closely you
can see a fine layer

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of moisture covering my skin.

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(audience and Grant laugh)

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You know what? It was Proactiv.

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We go now to a video of me
drunk at Pride last week.

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Holy shit!

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(Grant cackles)

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(club music plays)

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I confess,

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to being charming all the time.

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(newscasters laugh)

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If the gay Illuminati is watching,

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fellas, I'm available.

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What can I say? I really nailed,

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I really nailed my pelvis on the bar top.

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I can't wait

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for the Illuminati to track me down.

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(Grant spit laugh)

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I'll join any shit un-fucking wanted, man.

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(Grant cackles)

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- That's not a performance.
Compelling stuff.

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Now here to tell a true story
is another field reporter.

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This one is named after a
fictional character that Grant

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Anthony O'Brien regularly
says that he would be good

00:06:36.400 --> 00:06:37.960
casting for.

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- Hello, I'm Superman?

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- I-

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think,

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- What?

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- Okay.

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- You know the character
(Brennan laughs)

00:06:48.420 --> 00:06:50.260
that Henry Cavll the strongest man

00:06:50.260 --> 00:06:52.030
in the world was cast as.

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Grant thinks they should have chosen, him?

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- Fine.
(Grant spit laughs)

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I'll save you, but I'm
not saving your dog.

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(Lily and Grant laugh)

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- Anyway. Remember how Grant takes Viagra?

00:07:02.760 --> 00:07:03.610
- Come on.

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- Well, in 2015, he was
on a date with a lady.

00:07:06.840 --> 00:07:08.100
And while she was in the bathroom,

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in an act of pure optimism,

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Grant took one of his wet market Viagras.

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The only thing was she saw him take it.

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So when she got back to
the table, she asked Grant,

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"what pill did you just swallow?"

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(Lily laughs)

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And grant said a multivitamin.

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(Brennan gasps)

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(Lily laughs)
- And then she said,

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can I have one?

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And Grant said no.

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And she thought that was kind of rude,

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so Grant ended up going
home alone with a massive,

00:07:31.090 --> 00:07:33.090
completely unused, boner.

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Is that true Grant?

00:07:36.366 --> 00:07:37.325
- I mean, yes!

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(audience laughs)

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That's 100% true.

00:07:40.280 --> 00:07:41.208
- Great.

00:07:41.208 --> 00:07:42.041
(Grant clears throat)

00:07:42.041 --> 00:07:44.097
Who says, can I have one?

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(audience laughs)

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- Am I, I'm not. Okay.

00:07:47.520 --> 00:07:48.353
- It's a multivitamin.

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- Yeah, it's a multivitamin.

00:07:49.190 --> 00:07:50.697
- Well, it wasn't.

00:07:50.697 --> 00:07:51.530
- Then I'll close by saying,

00:07:51.530 --> 00:07:52.926
I think Grant looks like the Babadook

00:07:52.926 --> 00:07:54.540
(Grant spit laughs)
on a casual Friday.

00:07:54.540 --> 00:07:56.270
- Well, I think he looks
like if Nicholas Holt

00:07:56.270 --> 00:07:57.103
was the before
(Tao laughs)

00:07:57.103 --> 00:07:58.730
picture in a Proactiv commercial.

00:07:58.730 --> 00:07:59.913
- I told ya.

00:07:59.913 --> 00:08:02.710
- Really? I think he
looks like if the alien

00:08:02.710 --> 00:08:06.860
from District 9 was renting
desk space at a WeWork.

00:08:06.860 --> 00:08:09.300
- And then I'll just add that
I also have a general vibe

00:08:09.300 --> 00:08:12.535
of Elmo Blatch. The guy
from Shawshank Redemption

00:08:12.535 --> 00:08:15.870
who actually killed Andy Dufresne's wife.

00:08:15.870 --> 00:08:19.210
- Now listen, before we end
this symphony of chaos and pain.

00:08:19.210 --> 00:08:20.800
I just want to say one thing.

00:08:20.800 --> 00:08:24.030
That Grant O'Brien is one
of the sweetest, kindest,

00:08:24.030 --> 00:08:25.830
best people on this planet.

00:08:25.830 --> 00:08:27.770
He's loyal, he's talented.

00:08:27.770 --> 00:08:30.560
And he always make time
to help out a friend.

00:08:30.560 --> 00:08:32.610
And one time when he was
in high school, his father

00:08:32.610 --> 00:08:34.890
walked into the family
computer room and caught him,

00:08:34.890 --> 00:08:36.370
sucking his own dick.
(audience laughs)

00:08:36.370 --> 00:08:39.435
And just to confirm Grant, that's true?

00:08:39.435 --> 00:08:42.435
(audience snickers)

00:08:44.840 --> 00:08:46.416
- It's more complicated than that.

00:08:46.416 --> 00:08:48.400
(audience laughs)

00:08:48.400 --> 00:08:50.120
Yes, it's very true.

00:08:50.120 --> 00:08:52.730
I ha- I had my legs up over my head

00:08:52.730 --> 00:08:55.440
and my swollen hog in my mouth.

00:08:55.440 --> 00:08:57.570
My father and I have
never spoken about it,

00:08:57.570 --> 00:08:59.124
but I guess we might have to now.

00:08:59.124 --> 00:09:01.320
(Brennan laughs)

00:09:01.320 --> 00:09:03.620
- That's it for us here at Breaking News.

00:09:03.620 --> 00:09:05.620
Normally we would announce a loser,

00:09:05.620 --> 00:09:08.120
but we all know that Grant is the loser.

00:09:08.120 --> 00:09:11.480
As punishment, Grant has to
re-enact the position he was

00:09:11.480 --> 00:09:13.950
in when his father walked in on him.

00:09:13.950 --> 00:09:15.360
And,

00:09:15.360 --> 00:09:16.930
Brennan you play his father.

00:09:16.930 --> 00:09:19.200
Thanks for watching!

00:09:19.200 --> 00:09:22.206
- This is a very well tailored
suit and I don't know,

00:09:22.206 --> 00:09:23.940
- Just unbuckle the pants.

00:09:23.940 --> 00:09:25.920
- So anyway, it's kind of a,

00:09:25.920 --> 00:09:28.274
you have to sorta, and then,

00:09:28.274 --> 00:09:29.107
(Lily and audience laugh)

00:09:29.107 --> 00:09:31.640
and what you do is you
sort of walk your legs down

00:09:31.640 --> 00:09:33.240
behind you on the wall.

00:09:33.240 --> 00:09:35.730
So the reason it's more
complicated than that,

00:09:35.730 --> 00:09:37.750
is cuz you have to be by a
wall so you can sorta walk

00:09:37.750 --> 00:09:39.257
your legs down,
- [Tao] Oh

00:09:39.257 --> 00:09:40.347
to, to get there.
(Lily laughs)

00:09:40.347 --> 00:09:41.570
- This is so real.

00:09:41.570 --> 00:09:43.757
- So anyway, it was sort of like that.

00:09:47.410 --> 00:09:48.324
- I love you son.

00:09:48.324 --> 00:09:50.670
(audience laughs)

00:09:50.670 --> 00:09:52.210
- I love you too Dad.

00:09:52.210 --> 00:09:54.780
- Looks like you got your hog
in your mouth a little bit.

00:09:54.780 --> 00:09:55.900
- Oh, very little bit.

00:09:55.900 --> 00:09:57.790
It was really more of a
tongue than anything else.

00:09:57.790 --> 00:09:58.980
- I was gonna to say,

00:09:58.980 --> 00:10:00.870
even if you kind of get
where you need to go,

00:10:00.870 --> 00:10:03.450
is your body in a position where
we can actually kind of get

00:10:03.450 --> 00:10:04.283
any business done here?

00:10:04.283 --> 00:10:06.790
- Yeah, you know really it's
more the thought experiment

00:10:06.790 --> 00:10:07.623
of it all.

00:10:07.623 --> 00:10:08.480
- Yeah. Yeah, I bet,

00:10:08.480 --> 00:10:10.410
I bet kiddo.
- Sure.

00:10:10.410 --> 00:10:13.540
Well, I'm proud of you and
I hope someday you do work

00:10:13.540 --> 00:10:15.421
that makes you feel proud too.

00:10:15.421 --> 00:10:18.607
(audience and newscasters laugh)