WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.190 --> 00:00:02.520 - [Announcer] From West Hollywood, California, 00:00:02.520 --> 00:00:04.330 the only news team that doesn't know 00:00:04.330 --> 00:00:07.040 what's on the teleprompter before they read it. 00:00:07.040 --> 00:00:10.080 Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points. 00:00:10.080 --> 00:00:11.993 This is Breaking News. 00:00:11.993 --> 00:00:14.470 (news report music) 00:00:14.470 --> 00:00:15.910 - Hello and welcome to Breaking News. 00:00:15.910 --> 00:00:17.740 The show where we don't know what we're about to say, 00:00:17.740 --> 00:00:19.900 and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh. 00:00:19.900 --> 00:00:21.080 I'm Jungle Jim. 00:00:21.080 --> 00:00:22.730 - And I'm Tig Olbitties. 00:00:22.730 --> 00:00:25.100 - Tonight, Which household product is killing you, 00:00:25.100 --> 00:00:27.170 and which one is secretly delicious? 00:00:27.170 --> 00:00:29.210 We've got little sippy cups of all of them, 00:00:29.210 --> 00:00:32.040 and we're going to find out the only way we can, 00:00:32.040 --> 00:00:33.760 peer reviewed studies. 00:00:33.760 --> 00:00:35.320 - Zim zam zibbly zow. 00:00:35.320 --> 00:00:38.000 Skibbidy bop doo dip dang-a-doodle. 00:00:38.000 --> 00:00:40.030 No, you're having a stroke. 00:00:40.030 --> 00:00:41.527 That's just a taste of a new craze called 00:00:41.527 --> 00:00:43.610 "Being a fucking idiot." 00:00:43.610 --> 00:00:46.020 But does it have a dark side? 00:00:46.020 --> 00:00:49.600 We'll investibop skeelater with our bop a reporboo. 00:00:49.600 --> 00:00:51.120 - Then, we'll talk about your teeth, 00:00:51.120 --> 00:00:51.953 whether they're clean 00:00:51.953 --> 00:00:54.680 and how many of you subconsciously ran your tongue 00:00:54.680 --> 00:00:56.190 over your teeth just now. 00:00:56.190 --> 00:00:57.820 - But first, our top story, 00:00:57.820 --> 00:00:59.093 Mules! 00:00:59.093 --> 00:01:00.393 Mules! 00:01:00.393 --> 00:01:01.450 Mules! 00:01:01.450 --> 00:01:03.020 They're everywhere these days, 00:01:03.020 --> 00:01:04.390 in our homes, in our canals, 00:01:04.390 --> 00:01:06.310 and even in our borax canyons? 00:01:06.310 --> 00:01:07.570 Some say mules are the future, 00:01:07.570 --> 00:01:09.440 offering the convenience of a donkey, 00:01:09.440 --> 00:01:11.640 the rugged sex appeal of a horse. 00:01:11.640 --> 00:01:14.970 but others say mules eat too many of our nation's apples 00:01:14.970 --> 00:01:17.460 with their frightening Chiclet teeth? 00:01:17.460 --> 00:01:19.330 One thing's for sure, too many of these sentences 00:01:19.330 --> 00:01:20.807 ended with a question mark? 00:01:20.807 --> 00:01:21.640 (Lily laughs) 00:01:21.640 --> 00:01:22.720 - Thank you Tig for that informative report. 00:01:22.720 --> 00:01:25.880 And now, a beloved local business is closing. 00:01:25.880 --> 00:01:27.900 For more, we turned to hyperlocal reporter 00:01:27.900 --> 00:01:28.750 Goober Tuber. 00:01:28.750 --> 00:01:29.583 Goober? 00:01:29.583 --> 00:01:30.416 - Thanks, Jungle. 00:01:30.416 --> 00:01:33.396 I'm here in what remains of the Bad Spaghetti Factory, 00:01:33.396 --> 00:01:36.110 where for decades, hungry customers lined up 00:01:36.110 --> 00:01:38.230 at the pasta valve, 00:01:38.230 --> 00:01:41.610 to pump their gullets full of wet noodles. 00:01:41.610 --> 00:01:44.874 Now the sauce trough is empty. 00:01:44.874 --> 00:01:46.070 (Tig chuckles) 00:01:46.070 --> 00:01:50.450 The Mamma-Miameter is silent and the factory is closed. 00:01:50.450 --> 00:01:51.570 Standing here alone, 00:01:51.570 --> 00:01:52.750 I can't help but wonder 00:01:52.750 --> 00:01:54.378 why the owner locked me in, 00:01:54.378 --> 00:01:56.090 and if I'll ever get out? 00:01:56.090 --> 00:01:57.020 - I'm sorry, Goober. 00:01:57.020 --> 00:01:58.570 You say you're locked in? 00:01:58.570 --> 00:01:59.540 - That's right. 00:01:59.540 --> 00:02:02.540 The former owner said the key is packed away 00:02:02.540 --> 00:02:05.618 in one of these boxes, but he's not sure which one. 00:02:05.618 --> 00:02:09.410 And also every box has something else in it. 00:02:09.410 --> 00:02:11.298 - Something else? Like spaghetti? 00:02:11.298 --> 00:02:14.430 - Spaghetti is certainly a strong possibility, 00:02:14.430 --> 00:02:16.260 given what I've been talking about. 00:02:16.260 --> 00:02:18.180 It would not surprise me at all 00:02:18.180 --> 00:02:20.030 if at least one of these boxes 00:02:20.030 --> 00:02:23.070 is just a bunch of loose spaghetti in it. 00:02:23.070 --> 00:02:25.250 But Jungle, I can't stress enough, 00:02:25.250 --> 00:02:27.224 there could be anything in these boxes. 00:02:27.224 --> 00:02:28.057 - Hmm. 00:02:28.057 --> 00:02:29.380 - Well, I guess you better find that key 00:02:29.380 --> 00:02:30.750 by randomly choosing a box, 00:02:30.750 --> 00:02:33.430 blindly reaching in and fishing around for a key. 00:02:33.430 --> 00:02:35.440 - Thank you, Tig Olbitties, 00:02:35.440 --> 00:02:37.880 that is exactly what I'll do. 00:02:37.880 --> 00:02:39.130 Oh, okay. 00:02:39.130 --> 00:02:41.003 Always with the, okay. 00:02:41.003 --> 00:02:43.660 Box number one, baby. 00:02:43.660 --> 00:02:45.230 What's in it? 00:02:45.230 --> 00:02:47.650 It's a bunch of noodles, baby. 00:02:47.650 --> 00:02:50.135 Okay. I'm searching for the key. 00:02:50.135 --> 00:02:51.830 Ooooh. 00:02:51.830 --> 00:02:53.900 It smells so bad guys. 00:02:53.900 --> 00:02:56.344 Oh my God. Am I supposed to pull this up? 00:02:56.344 --> 00:02:57.203 - What the fuck? 00:02:57.203 --> 00:02:59.130 - Is it sticking to your fingers? 00:02:59.130 --> 00:03:02.030 - It's the noodles at this place, were not good. 00:03:02.030 --> 00:03:04.210 - Buca di Beppo's extra sticky noodles? 00:03:04.210 --> 00:03:05.821 - Ooh, glitter noodles. Okay. 00:03:05.821 --> 00:03:07.770 I can get down with this. 00:03:07.770 --> 00:03:09.490 - I hate that your fingers are sticky now. 00:03:09.490 --> 00:03:10.672 That makes it awful. 00:03:10.672 --> 00:03:12.340 - These are sticking to my fingies now. 00:03:12.340 --> 00:03:13.910 - That's so revolting to me. 00:03:13.910 --> 00:03:16.221 - Oh, Grant not liking it make me like it. 00:03:16.221 --> 00:03:17.615 (Tao and Grant laughing) 00:03:17.615 --> 00:03:18.448 - Yeah, I don't like it. 00:03:18.448 --> 00:03:19.281 - Oh, this smells. 00:03:19.281 --> 00:03:20.114 - Ooh! - Ooh! 00:03:20.114 --> 00:03:21.210 - I don't know what these are, but, ooh, 00:03:21.210 --> 00:03:23.453 this is, textures. 00:03:24.760 --> 00:03:25.980 Wet balls. 00:03:25.980 --> 00:03:27.112 - Wet balls? 00:03:27.112 --> 00:03:27.945 - Wet bouncy balls. 00:03:27.945 --> 00:03:30.050 - Wet bouncy balls are in this one. 00:03:30.050 --> 00:03:31.500 No key here either. 00:03:31.500 --> 00:03:33.502 - Now is that suppose to be a noodle like thing? 00:03:33.502 --> 00:03:34.451 - Wet balls? 00:03:34.451 --> 00:03:35.594 - Yeah, wet balls? 00:03:35.594 --> 00:03:38.430 - Oh, I'll tell you a little something about wet balls. 00:03:38.430 --> 00:03:39.263 - No. 00:03:39.263 --> 00:03:40.380 - They're right next to the noodle. 00:03:40.380 --> 00:03:43.400 - Okay. What even is this? 00:03:43.400 --> 00:03:44.640 Oh Jesus. 00:03:44.640 --> 00:03:45.473 - AstroTurf? 00:03:46.520 --> 00:03:48.773 - Oh, this is a little puzzle. 00:03:48.773 --> 00:03:50.554 (All laughing) 00:03:50.554 --> 00:03:51.440 - Ooh no. 00:03:51.440 --> 00:03:52.560 Save it for Grant. 00:03:52.560 --> 00:03:54.170 He's gonna fuck it later. 00:03:54.170 --> 00:03:56.940 - Honestly, you liking it. Made me like it. 00:03:56.940 --> 00:03:57.773 - Wait, 00:03:58.760 --> 00:04:03.020 is there even, I'm supposed to find a key, right? 00:04:03.020 --> 00:04:05.722 - Hold it up. I want to see what it is. 00:04:05.722 --> 00:04:06.555 - It's Gak. 00:04:06.555 --> 00:04:08.313 - It's Gak, it's slime. 00:04:09.220 --> 00:04:10.600 Oh, the wet balls. 00:04:10.600 --> 00:04:11.433 - The key's in the wet balls. 00:04:11.433 --> 00:04:12.690 - Would you hold up the wet balls? 00:04:12.690 --> 00:04:13.890 So I can see what the wet balls look like? 00:04:13.890 --> 00:04:15.720 - Here are the wet balls. 00:04:15.720 --> 00:04:16.553 - Been there baby. 00:04:16.553 --> 00:04:19.380 - Well found it. It was in the wet balls. 00:04:19.380 --> 00:04:21.310 Well, here it is! 00:04:21.310 --> 00:04:22.143 The key! 00:04:22.143 --> 00:04:25.900 I can finally escape this penne-tentiary 00:04:25.900 --> 00:04:26.733 - Come on. 00:04:26.733 --> 00:04:28.110 - That has imprisoned me. 00:04:28.110 --> 00:04:29.100 Until next time, 00:04:29.100 --> 00:04:32.350 I'm Goober Tuber and I love kissin'. 00:04:32.350 --> 00:04:33.350 - Wow. Thanks Goober. 00:04:33.350 --> 00:04:34.760 We go now to our music reporter. 00:04:34.760 --> 00:04:37.870 The one, the only, Sproing Doingleman. 00:04:37.870 --> 00:04:39.660 - What's up motherfuckers, 00:04:39.660 --> 00:04:43.400 I'm Sproing Doingleman, coming at you live for me, 00:04:43.400 --> 00:04:46.760 but pre-taped for you to share all the songs 00:04:46.760 --> 00:04:48.640 that are burning up the charts. 00:04:48.640 --> 00:04:49.820 At number three, 00:04:49.820 --> 00:04:54.200 it's "Cry Me a River, because you're in De-Nile." 00:04:54.200 --> 00:04:56.640 We can't play that track for you, 00:04:56.640 --> 00:04:59.640 but the best part goes like, 00:04:59.640 --> 00:05:03.623 Ooh and I'm a good singer, so get ready for this, 00:05:04.721 --> 00:05:08.979 Du-wap do wap do wap, doo wap do wap do wap, 00:05:08.979 --> 00:05:11.613 doo-wap do wap do wap, Cry me... 00:05:13.026 --> 00:05:14.546 (Laughing) That's a song that already exists. 00:05:14.546 --> 00:05:15.946 - I was going to say, I don't know the copyright-- 00:05:15.946 --> 00:05:16.976 - That's a song that already exists! 00:05:16.976 --> 00:05:17.809 (All laughing) 00:05:17.809 --> 00:05:18.730 - At number two. 00:05:18.730 --> 00:05:21.007 Yes. It's the soundtrack to the movie 00:05:21.007 --> 00:05:23.140 "Mr. Skeleton Bones." 00:05:23.140 --> 00:05:25.380 Composed by Danny Elfman, 00:05:25.380 --> 00:05:30.330 this track has no lyrics, but it's unmistakably Elfman. 00:05:30.330 --> 00:05:33.920 It sorta sounds like this... 00:05:33.920 --> 00:05:36.517 Ding dong dung dung, 00:05:37.460 --> 00:05:39.923 ding dung ding dong. 00:05:39.923 --> 00:05:43.030 - Sounds like the chimes of Westminster Abbey. 00:05:43.030 --> 00:05:43.863 - Yeah. 00:05:43.863 --> 00:05:47.401 (cymbals clashing) 00:05:47.401 --> 00:05:50.562 (triangle ringing) 00:05:50.562 --> 00:05:53.715 (ambulance siren blaring) 00:05:53.715 --> 00:05:54.715 - Ding dong. 00:05:55.866 --> 00:05:57.917 - I feel like Elfman scores are usually a little bit more-- 00:05:57.917 --> 00:05:58.750 - No! 00:05:58.750 --> 00:05:59.618 (Tig laughs) 00:05:59.618 --> 00:06:00.730 No, they're not. 00:06:00.730 --> 00:06:03.640 And of course, number one on the charts again, this week, 00:06:03.640 --> 00:06:07.157 it's a cover of Johnny Cash's cover of Nine Inch Nails 00:06:07.157 --> 00:06:10.700 "Hurt" from the band Spelunking on Jupiter. 00:06:10.700 --> 00:06:12.030 - Isn't that a ska band? 00:06:12.030 --> 00:06:13.340 - Yes, it is Jungle. 00:06:13.340 --> 00:06:16.890 To be clear, this is a ska cover of "Hurt." 00:06:16.890 --> 00:06:18.800 It sounds like this. 00:06:18.800 --> 00:06:22.000 I can't imagine we have the rights to this song, 00:06:22.000 --> 00:06:23.990 or even what ska really is. 00:06:23.990 --> 00:06:26.670 I think it's when one of the band members wears a hat. 00:06:26.670 --> 00:06:28.138 - You get a whole big band with you. 00:06:28.138 --> 00:06:29.778 (background drum vocalizing) 00:06:29.778 --> 00:06:33.020 - I hurt myself today, 00:06:33.020 --> 00:06:35.670 just so I could know pain. 00:06:35.670 --> 00:06:38.050 I actually don't know the words to this song. 00:06:38.050 --> 00:06:40.200 - Do you want to come to the Warped Tour with me next time? 00:06:40.200 --> 00:06:41.653 - Absolutely, not. 00:06:42.580 --> 00:06:45.170 It's truly a golden age of music, 00:06:45.170 --> 00:06:47.980 and I am King Midas. 00:06:47.980 --> 00:06:51.570 Well, that's all the numbers left on any countdown. 00:06:51.570 --> 00:06:56.300 Until next time, I'm Sproing Doingleman, going "doing". 00:06:56.300 --> 00:06:58.120 That's what I'm doing. 00:06:58.120 --> 00:06:59.290 - Thanks Sproing. 00:06:59.290 --> 00:07:00.760 Well, that's all that happened today. 00:07:00.760 --> 00:07:03.620 The only news remaining is to announce the loser. 00:07:03.620 --> 00:07:05.370 - Me Tao, and as a punishment 00:07:05.370 --> 00:07:06.420 they'll have to put their hands 00:07:06.420 --> 00:07:09.590 in all the boxes from the spaghetti factory. 00:07:09.590 --> 00:07:11.680 - Can I say I'm a little jealous. 00:07:11.680 --> 00:07:13.260 I kind of want to know what they felt like. 00:07:13.260 --> 00:07:15.590 - My hand has been wet the whole episode 00:07:15.590 --> 00:07:16.957 and just dried up now. 00:07:16.957 --> 00:07:18.810 - [Lily] Oh, I see the wet balls now. 00:07:18.810 --> 00:07:19.643 - Yeah. 00:07:19.643 --> 00:07:20.476 - Are they not Boba balls? 00:07:20.476 --> 00:07:21.410 - Are they not Boba balls? 00:07:21.410 --> 00:07:22.243 - No, those-- 00:07:22.243 --> 00:07:23.660 - Would you guys describe them to me? 00:07:23.660 --> 00:07:25.090 - This one's like clay. 00:07:25.090 --> 00:07:25.923 - Yeah. 00:07:25.923 --> 00:07:26.756 - [Tao] It's like touching clay. 00:07:26.756 --> 00:07:28.020 - That is for sure expired spaghetti. 00:07:28.020 --> 00:07:28.853 - [Grant] Sure. 00:07:28.853 --> 00:07:29.686 - This one.. 00:07:29.686 --> 00:07:30.519 - Oh it does, it smells like feet. 00:07:30.519 --> 00:07:31.688 - [Alfred] It's feet spaghetti. 00:07:31.688 --> 00:07:33.863 - The little balls are nice.