WEBVTT

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- [Announcer] From West
Hollywood, California,

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the only news team

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that doesn't know what's
on the teleprompter

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before they read it.

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Anyone who laughs or breaks,
(dramatic sound)

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loses points.

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This is Breaking News.

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(news intro music)

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- Hello, and welcome to Breaking News,

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the show where we don't know
what we're about to say,

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and aren't allowed to smile or laugh.

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I'm David Scott.

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- And I'm Here Too.

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- You sure are.

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- I made it.

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- You sure did.

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- All the way to the big news.

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- Hey,

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you know somethin'?

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- Hmm?

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(fast tempo music)

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- I'm proud of you.

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- I'm proud of me too.

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- Settle down.
- Mm-hmm.

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- I understand you have
a special announcement?

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- Yes.

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For every time I smile or laugh,

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I will draw "LOL" on my face.

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And I want you all to
keep me honest on that,

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so feel free to call me out.

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- Beautiful.

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I absolutely will.

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- Okay.

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- That brings us to our top story.

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(Carolyn gasps)

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Since 19 zero one.

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(laughs) I'm sorry,
(dramatic sound)

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that was weird.
(dramatic sound)

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Since 1901,

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the way people normally say that,

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the Nobel Peace Prize has
been given to 107 people

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and you've given three of them wedgies.

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(fast tempo music continues)

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Is that correct?

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- Yes.

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I've given wedgies to Barack Obama,

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the Dalai Lama,

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and Malala Yousafzai.

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- Why?

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(fast tempo music continues)

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Why did you do it?
(dramatic sound)

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- Yeah, (laughs)

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why did you give a wedgie to Malala?

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(dramatic sound)

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- Why would you do that?

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- Yeah,

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she just became an adult.
- What is wrong with you?

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- So proud of yourself for
knowing a Nobel Laureate

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and then forgot the in-world logic

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of why you were saying
these names. (laughs)

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- That's disgusting.

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- I thought she deserved it.

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(fast tempo music continues)

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(Brennan laughs)
(dramatic sound)

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Uh, she, yeah, she had it comin',

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that lady.

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- (clears throat) And
remind us what each of them

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were awarded Nobel Peace Prizes for.

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(fast tempo music continues)

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- Peace.

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(Carolyn laughs)
(dramatic sound)

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Your move.

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(Carolyn laughs)
(dramatic sound)

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(laughs) Aw fuck,
(dramatic sound)

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even that made me laugh.

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All right.

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- Wow.

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They sound really nice.

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- Yeah,

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that's probably why it was
so easy to punk their asses.

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- And that leads us
(dramatic music)

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to our next story,

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with our mixed martial arts
expert and UFC correspondent,

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Ashton Yellowbut.

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Yellowbut?

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- Yes?

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I'm ringside, where just now,

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Billy Jones took down Johnny Bills.

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Jones was nearly DQ'd

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after the HW used BJJ to KO Bills.

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But, in a UD,

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the UFC said the TD was OK.

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- Ashton,

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dumb that down for us.

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What does DQ stand for in that sentence?

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(fast tempo music continues)

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(production laughing)

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Ashton?

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- Yeah.

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(production laughing)

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- So proud of yourself

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for getting through
that big jumbled speech.

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And then, all of a sudden,

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you gotta come back around,

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dontcha?
- Hmm!

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- DQ stands for fuckin' Dairy Queen!

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(production laughing)

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(fast tempo music continues)

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- And HW?

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- How Would One Get to Dairy Queen?

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(Carolyn laughs)
(dramatic sound)

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- And BJJ?

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- Blowjob job!

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(everyone laughing)
(dramatic sounds)

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- [Grant] Fuck me.

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- And KO?

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- Knockout.

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That one I do know.

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- And UD?

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- Uterine Device!

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(Carolyn laughs)
(dramatic sound)

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- And UFC?

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- Ultra Fried Chicken!

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(Carolyn laughs)
(dramatic sound)

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- And TD?

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- To Dine on Ultra Fried Chicken.

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(Carolyn laughs)
(dramatic sound)

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- And OK?

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- Uh, Original...

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(Carolyn laughs)
(dramatic sound)

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Knife.

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(Grant laughs)
(production laughing)

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- Cool.

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Now, can you repeat the sentence,

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replacing all the acronyms

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with whatever you just
said they stand for?

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(fast tempo music continues)

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- Love to,

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of course.

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(production laughing)

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(fast tempo music continues)

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To reiterate (long pause)

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(production laughing)

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what we already knew,

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Jones was nearly Dairy Queen'd

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after the How Would One Get to Dairy Queen

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used Blowjob Jobs

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(Carolyn laughs)
(dramatic sound)

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to Knockout Bills.

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But, in a Uterine Device,
(Carolyn laughs)

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the Ultra Fried Chicken

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said the To Dine on Ultra Fried
Chicken was Original Knife.

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(Carolyn laughs)
(dramatic sound)

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- Wow.
- All right.

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You're legit.

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- Riveting stuff.

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Now for our space nerd, Jamie Hotwater.

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- Thanks, boo.

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The nation mourns today in
memory of Neil Armstrong,

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the first astronaut to
ever land on the moon.

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(laughs) But I say,

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fuck him.

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Fuck Neil Armstrong,

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Buzz Aldrin, and the rest
of those moonwalking freaks.

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Fuck the moon.

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What a waste of taxpayer dollars.

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- Jamie, it seems like
you're not a fan of the moon.

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- That's right,

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I fuckin' hate the moon,

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for these five specific reasons.

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Holes, too many holes.

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It's silver,

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it keeps me up at night.

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So fuckin' bright.

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Three, it's looking at you.

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You don't know that it's not,

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you can't prove that it isn't.

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Four, people go there,

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and they've never invited me to come

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because I think I have medical
things that disqualify me

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from being an astronaut?

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Five,

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(fast tempo music continues)

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(clears throat) their suits are ugly,

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and when they wear them
and they go to the moon.

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- Shut up!

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I like the moon.

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I like the moon so much,

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I wrote some slam poetry about it,

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(production laughing)

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which I'm going to recite now,

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on my Instagram Live, right now?

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(Carolyn gasps)

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(fast tempo music continues)

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(production laughing)

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(Grant sighs frustratingly)

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Why do I keep doing this show?

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(Carolyn laughs)
(dramatic sound)

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- Do it.

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- I don't know how. (laughs)

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(everyone laughing)
(dramatic sounds)

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I'm trying to figure out
(dramatic sounds)

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how do I do it?

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(fast tempo music continues)

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I think that's my story.
(dramatic sound)

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Oh shit.

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I've never gone live.

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- Do it!

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You're about to.
- You gotta do it.

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- And what am I doing?

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I'm reciting slam poetry about the moon?

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- Yes.

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- Why you like the moon.

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- In defense of the moon.

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- All right.

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(fast tempo music continues)

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- Don't get me in it.

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(Carolyn laughs)
(dramatic sound)

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(production laughing)

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(fast tempo music continues)

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- the moon, the night,

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the darkness of the sky.

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There's no sense in it's sandiness,

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but we seek it's sandiness, in any event.

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(Brennan exhaling loudly)

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We have to (long pause) go back.

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We have to look for space.

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My God,

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the night,

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the dark.

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(Carolyn laughing)
(dramatic sound)

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(fast tempo music continues)

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(production laughing)

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- Keep goin'.

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- I can't believe how many
people are watching. (laughs)

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- How many people?
(production laughing)

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- Right now, 140 people are watching.

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- Oh,
(dramatic sound)

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it's gonna go way up.

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- You have to keep going.
- All right. (clears throat)

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(fast tempo music continues)

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When I look at the darkness,

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I see myself.

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When I look at the sky,

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I see the light.

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When I combine the two,

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I get the moon.

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And when I find the moon,

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I find the mission.

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The mission, which is (long pause)

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loveliness.

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(Brennan exhaling loudly)

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Well, bye, everyone.

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(Carolyn snapping fingers)

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(everyone snapping fingers)
(production laughing)

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- Well, that's all the time we have.

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A special congrats to our
employee of the week this week,

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Carolyn.
(upbeat music)

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We aren't supposed to laugh or smile,

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and you lost.

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As your punishment,

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you have to write "LOL" in big
letters across your forehead.

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- Yeah!

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Yeah! Here, catch.

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Oh shit. (laughs)

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That was the worst throw.

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- Whoo!

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(Carolyn laughs)
(everyone applauds)