WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.180 --> 00:00:02.530 - [News Anchor] From west Hollywood, California, 00:00:02.530 --> 00:00:04.330 the only news team that doesn't know 00:00:04.330 --> 00:00:07.030 what's on the teleprompter before they read it. 00:00:07.030 --> 00:00:10.060 Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points. 00:00:10.060 --> 00:00:12.570 This is Breaking News. 00:00:12.570 --> 00:00:14.490 (news music) 00:00:14.490 --> 00:00:15.950 - Welcome to Breaking News, 00:00:15.950 --> 00:00:18.190 the show where we don't know what we're about to say, 00:00:18.190 --> 00:00:20.196 and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh. 00:00:20.196 --> 00:00:21.029 (laughs) 00:00:21.029 --> 00:00:22.720 - Or make a little cummy in our pants. 00:00:22.720 --> 00:00:24.427 - I'm Porkin' Mydad. 00:00:24.427 --> 00:00:29.427 - (Giggles) And I'm I'm-A-Me Mario. 00:00:29.520 --> 00:00:31.270 We're here with tonight's top stories. 00:00:31.270 --> 00:00:32.680 And if you don't like that, 00:00:32.680 --> 00:00:35.198 you can come to my apartment to yell at me. 00:00:35.198 --> 00:00:37.640 (Whispers) Don't put that on the internet. 00:00:37.640 --> 00:00:40.220 Come at night when I'm sleeping. 00:00:40.220 --> 00:00:42.213 I sleep, 00:00:43.435 --> 00:00:44.890 uh sprawled out 00:00:45.850 --> 00:00:47.460 definitely naked. 00:00:47.460 --> 00:00:50.020 I have no central air conditioning. 00:00:50.020 --> 00:00:53.080 And so there is a small AC unit 00:00:53.080 --> 00:00:55.482 that is blasting directly at me. 00:00:55.482 --> 00:00:58.900 I have like all those colored bulbs and stuff, 00:00:58.900 --> 00:01:00.980 and sometimes it's nice to fall asleep 00:01:00.980 --> 00:01:02.970 with the one that's on my bed 00:01:02.970 --> 00:01:05.790 in like a little purple hue. 00:01:05.790 --> 00:01:07.500 - But first youths. 00:01:07.500 --> 00:01:08.570 In a desperate attempt 00:01:08.570 --> 00:01:10.110 to stay relevant to our besties. 00:01:10.110 --> 00:01:12.790 we'll be investigating current teen slang words 00:01:12.790 --> 00:01:17.140 like yeet, litty, fam, 00:01:17.140 --> 00:01:19.773 sup, get pinned. 00:01:19.773 --> 00:01:23.030 (laughs) 00:01:23.030 --> 00:01:26.182 That's so Raven, 00:01:26.182 --> 00:01:28.930 (continue laughing) 00:01:28.930 --> 00:01:30.513 Delaware, 00:01:31.850 --> 00:01:33.343 Shaka, brah, 00:01:34.180 --> 00:01:36.281 Drake and Josh. 00:01:36.281 --> 00:01:39.369 (everyone laughs) 00:01:39.369 --> 00:01:43.036 (everyone laughs) 00:01:44.500 --> 00:01:47.250 - I'll tell you what young people are going to save us. 00:01:47.250 --> 00:01:50.680 When I look at folks like Greta Thunberg 00:01:50.680 --> 00:01:52.080 and the sunrise movement, 00:01:52.080 --> 00:01:54.510 and I'm inspired to stop working on hard things 00:01:54.510 --> 00:01:56.390 because the kids are on the case. 00:01:56.390 --> 00:01:59.633 My favorite teens are, oh, 00:02:06.030 --> 00:02:10.380 - One teen, any child under the age of 18. 00:02:10.380 --> 00:02:11.213 - I, uh.. 00:02:11.213 --> 00:02:12.620 - How old is Zendaya? Anyone? 00:02:12.620 --> 00:02:14.430 - That's the thing. Zendaya is like 00:02:14.430 --> 00:02:17.270 all the people that I think of as teenagers 00:02:17.270 --> 00:02:19.230 are no longer teenagers. 00:02:19.230 --> 00:02:21.584 Oh my God, is this what it's like? 00:02:21.584 --> 00:02:24.330 I'm getting old. 00:02:24.330 --> 00:02:25.540 Okay. 00:02:25.540 --> 00:02:28.603 Well that was a complete failure. I don't know. 00:02:30.102 --> 00:02:32.370 Spider-Man is not even a teenager anymore. 00:02:32.370 --> 00:02:33.550 I don't even know. 00:02:33.550 --> 00:02:36.500 - In other news, today is National Communion Wafer Day. 00:02:36.500 --> 00:02:39.410 Communion wafers put a man in your mouth. 00:02:39.410 --> 00:02:42.650 - Local churches are anticipating a huge influx 00:02:42.650 --> 00:02:45.421 of parishioners, odd for a weekday. 00:02:45.421 --> 00:02:47.330 If you've never been to the weekday mass 00:02:47.330 --> 00:02:48.710 at a Catholic church, 00:02:48.710 --> 00:02:51.770 picture priests doing the most rote muscle memory service 00:02:51.770 --> 00:02:55.319 he can manage for 18 of the oldest hags you can imagine. 00:02:55.319 --> 00:02:57.750 You might think they'd be friendly because they're filled 00:02:57.750 --> 00:03:00.450 with the Holy Spirit. You'd be wrong. 00:03:00.450 --> 00:03:02.040 - Weekday Catholics haven't smiled 00:03:02.040 --> 00:03:03.600 since Kennedy was elected. 00:03:03.600 --> 00:03:05.760 They treat the service like more of a job 00:03:05.760 --> 00:03:06.850 than the priest does. 00:03:06.850 --> 00:03:09.220 I hope they go to heaven just to make the time input 00:03:09.220 --> 00:03:10.053 worth it. 00:03:10.053 --> 00:03:11.320 - For National Wafer Day, 00:03:11.320 --> 00:03:13.830 get yourself into the backroom of your local church. 00:03:13.830 --> 00:03:16.120 Don't look around at anything else going on 00:03:16.120 --> 00:03:18.599 and grab a fat stack of wafes. 00:03:18.599 --> 00:03:21.310 (both giggle) 00:03:21.310 --> 00:03:24.383 My (laughs) No! I won't! I won't! 00:03:26.870 --> 00:03:28.293 My favorite flavor is white. 00:03:29.630 --> 00:03:32.570 - And my favorite flavor is also white. 00:03:32.570 --> 00:03:35.580 - Hold your horsegirls. Hold them tight. 00:03:35.580 --> 00:03:37.840 I just heard that we've got breaking news coming in from our 00:03:37.840 --> 00:03:41.846 Metro reporter, Seeso Mypeeso. 00:03:41.846 --> 00:03:44.527 - Thanks, I'm-a-me. I'm here outside of Gene Hackman's 00:03:44.527 --> 00:03:48.023 movie trailer. Just waiting for him to die. 00:03:48.023 --> 00:03:48.856 - (Laughs) 00:03:48.856 --> 00:03:52.320 - I don't bear any ill will, of course. He's a treasure, 00:03:52.320 --> 00:03:55.700 but he's an old treasure and a scoop this big 00:03:55.700 --> 00:03:57.350 could change my life. 00:03:57.350 --> 00:03:59.600 Guys would want to be me and girls would want 00:03:59.600 --> 00:04:01.660 to beat my ass raw. 00:04:01.660 --> 00:04:03.730 Earlier, I thought I heard him die, 00:04:03.730 --> 00:04:07.150 but it turns out it was just a PA eating a bagel real loud 00:04:07.150 --> 00:04:10.330 and not the sound of Gene Hackman's mortal soul 00:04:10.330 --> 00:04:11.413 leaving his body. 00:04:13.270 --> 00:04:15.700 - I got to say Seeso. I'm a bit disappointed. 00:04:15.700 --> 00:04:17.810 - Likewise. I've staked out 00:04:17.810 --> 00:04:21.300 many of our oldest celebrities like, Ooh, wow, 00:04:21.300 --> 00:04:23.863 this is the complete opposite problem for me. 00:04:25.050 --> 00:04:26.460 Who's old now? 00:04:26.460 --> 00:04:27.340 - James Hong. 00:04:27.340 --> 00:04:28.953 - Sure? James Hong. 00:04:29.954 --> 00:04:32.423 Why am I forgetting his name? Warren Buffet. 00:04:33.680 --> 00:04:34.530 - Tom Cruise. 00:04:34.530 --> 00:04:35.950 - Tom Cruise is old. 00:04:35.950 --> 00:04:37.080 Is that old now? 00:04:37.080 --> 00:04:38.330 - Oh yeah! 00:04:38.330 --> 00:04:39.791 - JK Simmons. 00:04:39.791 --> 00:04:42.510 - JK Simmons. Look, I'm 00:04:42.510 --> 00:04:43.410 - Also, not old. 00:04:43.410 --> 00:04:44.761 - Aging well I think. 00:04:44.761 --> 00:04:48.730 Who else? I'm getting faces and not names. 00:04:48.730 --> 00:04:50.820 - So I'm just going to go with the script as I remember. 00:04:50.820 --> 00:04:52.128 - Describe the faces. 00:04:52.128 --> 00:04:55.900 - Magneto, he's old. Professor X, 00:04:55.900 --> 00:04:57.600 oh opposite 00:04:57.600 --> 00:05:01.620 Brad Pitt that you know that one movie when he was born old. 00:05:01.620 --> 00:05:04.870 Anyway, I even grease the steps of their trailers, 00:05:04.870 --> 00:05:07.020 but every single one of them, 00:05:07.020 --> 00:05:11.140 Willy Wonka somersault over the slippery stuff. 00:05:11.140 --> 00:05:12.920 So here I am back at Gene's. 00:05:12.920 --> 00:05:14.330 Love his work in Bonnie and Clyde, 00:05:14.330 --> 00:05:17.410 and now I wish he'd Bonnie and die. 00:05:17.410 --> 00:05:19.430 - I don't care for puns about death. 00:05:19.430 --> 00:05:23.946 - Really? Hmm. Well, here are three more. 00:05:23.946 --> 00:05:26.993 Coughing up? You're gonna die. 00:05:28.470 --> 00:05:30.163 That's a pun on coughing. 00:05:31.860 --> 00:05:35.673 Looks like my heart ripped, that's RIP. 00:05:41.918 --> 00:05:44.950 And then I've had one too many. 00:05:44.950 --> 00:05:47.708 I've had one few 00:05:49.090 --> 00:05:50.380 funerals. 00:05:50.380 --> 00:05:52.650 One too many, few, few funeral. 00:05:52.650 --> 00:05:53.900 F... yeah! - Thank you Seeso. 00:05:53.900 --> 00:05:56.570 We've got more piping wet news to funnel down 00:05:56.570 --> 00:05:57.930 your solar poles. 00:05:57.930 --> 00:06:00.450 Our weatherman Biff is out today on account of getting 00:06:00.450 --> 00:06:02.780 picked up by a tornado at a bar. 00:06:02.780 --> 00:06:04.900 - At least somebody's getting picked up. 00:06:04.900 --> 00:06:05.960 - Shut up, Porkin! 00:06:05.960 --> 00:06:08.980 In financial news, howsy, whatsies? 00:06:08.980 --> 00:06:09.920 who needs them? 00:06:09.920 --> 00:06:14.660 We've got our markets reporter Ashy Janice on the story. 00:06:14.660 --> 00:06:17.490 - It's-a-me. I'm standing here outside 00:06:17.490 --> 00:06:21.490 Gene Hackman's tasteful Tri-level Spanish style estate. 00:06:21.490 --> 00:06:24.650 It's expected to sell for a pretty penny when Gene Hackman 00:06:24.650 --> 00:06:26.170 pops the question. 00:06:26.170 --> 00:06:28.442 The question being, am I dead yet? 00:06:28.442 --> 00:06:29.275 (Giggles) 00:06:29.275 --> 00:06:30.270 - But there have been rumours lately 00:06:30.270 --> 00:06:32.800 that the housing bubble is going to pop. 00:06:32.800 --> 00:06:34.350 And since I'm an expert, 00:06:34.350 --> 00:06:37.460 I'm going to tell you how stagflation works. 00:06:37.460 --> 00:06:38.653 So you're, uh, 00:06:39.560 --> 00:06:42.100 it increases to a point. 00:06:42.100 --> 00:06:45.690 And then after it flags 00:06:45.690 --> 00:06:46.803 and, uh, 00:06:49.010 --> 00:06:51.800 teens, right? 00:06:51.800 --> 00:06:54.690 Anyway, back to you. 00:06:54.690 --> 00:06:56.110 - Educational! 00:06:56.110 --> 00:06:58.170 - And what is the Federal Reserve's role 00:06:58.170 --> 00:06:59.100 in all of this? 00:06:59.100 --> 00:07:00.240 - Totally. Okay. 00:07:00.240 --> 00:07:02.490 So let me explain using as many names 00:07:02.490 --> 00:07:04.971 in technical terms as I can. 00:07:04.971 --> 00:07:06.440 Bernanki. 00:07:06.440 --> 00:07:07.930 (everyone laughs) 00:07:07.930 --> 00:07:11.320 So inflation is when you, you do want some inflation, 00:07:11.320 --> 00:07:13.720 but it needs to be a percentage that is low 00:07:13.720 --> 00:07:15.823 between one and two. 00:07:18.600 --> 00:07:22.890 And if the federal reserve prints too many dollars, 00:07:22.890 --> 00:07:25.020 then people will be too happy 00:07:25.020 --> 00:07:27.740 and we need to crush their souls 00:07:27.740 --> 00:07:31.820 into the ground under the foot of the federal government, 00:07:31.820 --> 00:07:35.090 not giving a crap, about any of them. 00:07:35.090 --> 00:07:36.840 And that's stagflation. 00:07:36.840 --> 00:07:38.140 - Thanks, Ashy. 00:07:38.140 --> 00:07:39.360 Any peep from Gene? 00:07:39.360 --> 00:07:40.660 - Yeah, I hope not. 00:07:40.660 --> 00:07:42.710 We want him dead. Back to you. 00:07:42.710 --> 00:07:44.570 - And that about does it for tonight's news. 00:07:44.570 --> 00:07:47.300 - Hate to see you leave. Love to see you walk away. 00:07:47.300 --> 00:07:49.170 - Porkin, that tears it. 00:07:49.170 --> 00:07:50.853 You and I are getting divorced. 00:07:53.960 --> 00:07:56.870 That's it for us. But before we go, 00:07:56.870 --> 00:08:00.920 we'll tell you that tonight's loser in a stunning upset 00:08:00.920 --> 00:08:02.820 is Becca. 00:08:02.820 --> 00:08:04.183 - I don't know. 00:08:04.183 --> 00:08:05.016 - (chuckles) 00:08:05.016 --> 00:08:06.610 - As punishment, she has to list 00:08:06.610 --> 00:08:09.410 her top five gene Hackman performances, 00:08:09.410 --> 00:08:11.670 other than The Royal Tenenbaums. 00:08:11.670 --> 00:08:15.586 And she will also reenact her favorite line from each movie. 00:08:15.586 --> 00:08:18.463 - This is a Gene Hackman impression. 00:08:18.463 --> 00:08:20.573 And I'm your shitty son, 00:08:21.410 --> 00:08:23.938 I've only seen The Royal Tenenbaums. 00:08:23.938 --> 00:08:25.711 (everyone laughs)