WEBVTT 00:00:00.210 --> 00:00:02.540 - [Narrator] From West Hollywood, California, 00:00:02.540 --> 00:00:04.350 the only news team that doesn't know 00:00:04.350 --> 00:00:07.050 what's on the teleprompter before they read it. 00:00:07.050 --> 00:00:10.200 Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points. 00:00:10.200 --> 00:00:12.683 This is, Breaking News. 00:00:14.610 --> 00:00:16.470 - Hello, and welcome to Breaking News. 00:00:16.470 --> 00:00:18.500 The show where we don't know what we're about to say, 00:00:18.500 --> 00:00:21.245 and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh. 00:00:21.245 --> 00:00:25.678 I'm Hugh (laughs) 00:00:26.678 --> 00:00:27.761 Hugh 00:00:27.761 --> 00:00:28.594 Mungus. 00:00:29.717 --> 00:00:31.413 - And I'm Preti Bigtoo. 00:00:31.413 --> 00:00:33.913 (Hugh laughs) 00:00:35.130 --> 00:00:37.180 - Tonight, a new study suggests, 00:00:37.180 --> 00:00:38.930 noses are very weird looking, 00:00:38.930 --> 00:00:41.410 but you'd somehow look even weirder without one. 00:00:41.410 --> 00:00:43.330 - And are you a mess in the kitchen? 00:00:43.330 --> 00:00:45.100 You're in luck, Chef Curtis Stone 00:00:45.100 --> 00:00:46.695 will teach you to go fuck yourself. 00:00:46.695 --> 00:00:48.778 (laughs) 00:00:57.028 --> 00:00:59.278 (wheezing) 00:01:02.730 --> 00:01:04.200 I just, I have to tell you, 00:01:04.200 --> 00:01:07.083 cause I'm the biggest laugher, aside from you. 00:01:10.050 --> 00:01:12.480 And even though I'm here, like, oh are you okay? 00:01:13.723 --> 00:01:15.903 - She can't hear you because she's blacked out. 00:01:15.903 --> 00:01:19.486 (uncontrollable laughter) 00:01:23.464 --> 00:01:25.714 (wheezing) 00:01:29.639 --> 00:01:30.722 - Then later, 00:01:31.972 --> 00:01:35.150 how much of the ocean is whale piss? 00:01:35.150 --> 00:01:37.020 It turns out, all of it. 00:01:37.020 --> 00:01:38.520 All of it. 00:01:38.520 --> 00:01:40.410 - But first our top story. 00:01:40.410 --> 00:01:42.690 Whatcha gonna to do with all that junk? 00:01:42.690 --> 00:01:45.390 Our very own Hugh Mungus has found three surprising uses 00:01:45.390 --> 00:01:46.740 for all that junk inside that truck. 00:01:46.740 --> 00:01:47.573 Isn't that right, Hugh? 00:01:47.573 --> 00:01:48.780 - No. 00:01:48.780 --> 00:01:50.700 - That's right, Hugh totally dropped the ball. 00:01:50.700 --> 00:01:52.630 So I guess I'll do it. 00:01:52.630 --> 00:01:55.750 I would use all that junk inside that trunk 00:01:55.750 --> 00:01:57.765 to change a spare tire. 00:01:57.765 --> 00:01:59.670 (giggling) 00:01:59.670 --> 00:02:01.007 In my actual car in my trunk 00:02:01.007 --> 00:02:02.340 I have a little lumbar pillow. 00:02:02.340 --> 00:02:03.980 Cause I like to be a little comfy when I, 00:02:03.980 --> 00:02:05.195 but I don't always need it. 00:02:05.195 --> 00:02:06.440 - So you, (giggles) 00:02:06.440 --> 00:02:07.390 - But I, when I need it, 00:02:07.390 --> 00:02:08.223 I jump out of the car and I. 00:02:08.223 --> 00:02:10.550 - You use your junk in your trunk to support your back. 00:02:10.550 --> 00:02:13.380 - Yeah, I support my low back with my junk in my trunk. 00:02:13.380 --> 00:02:15.320 Oh I also, 00:02:15.320 --> 00:02:16.830 get fucked in the ass. 00:02:16.830 --> 00:02:21.308 (Hugh laughing and wheezing) 00:02:21.308 --> 00:02:22.141 - I, 00:02:22.141 --> 00:02:22.974 I, 00:02:22.974 --> 00:02:24.780 I, 00:02:24.780 --> 00:02:26.110 I use, 00:02:26.110 --> 00:02:28.011 curse words make me laugh. 00:02:28.011 --> 00:02:29.840 (giggling) 00:02:29.840 --> 00:02:32.500 Oh yeah. So all of your uses of junk in the trunk. 00:02:32.500 --> 00:02:34.530 Yeah, that reminds me of a fourth use 00:02:34.530 --> 00:02:35.750 for my junk in my trunk. 00:02:35.750 --> 00:02:36.583 - What's that? 00:02:38.476 --> 00:02:40.310 - To put out fires. 00:02:40.310 --> 00:02:42.270 Just like really extinguished some fires. 00:02:42.270 --> 00:02:43.103 - Helpful. 00:02:43.103 --> 00:02:43.940 - Yeah, with some junk in your trunk, you could 00:02:43.940 --> 00:02:44.773 - Sure. 00:02:44.773 --> 00:02:45.606 - sit on them, or. 00:02:45.606 --> 00:02:46.743 - Thank you, Hugh. 00:02:46.743 --> 00:02:49.174 (laughing) 00:02:49.174 --> 00:02:50.210 - Ha, ha, ha. 00:02:50.210 --> 00:02:52.973 Ha. (laughing) 00:02:54.850 --> 00:02:56.490 - Okay, yoo-hoo? 00:02:56.490 --> 00:02:59.584 - Yoohoo? "You, Hugh", not "yoohoo." 00:02:59.584 --> 00:03:02.640 - Oh. (giggles) 00:03:02.640 --> 00:03:03.800 Okay. 00:03:03.800 --> 00:03:07.640 For less on this, we go to a completely different segment. 00:03:07.640 --> 00:03:09.250 - Massive flooding in Dork City. 00:03:09.250 --> 00:03:10.083 (Hugh wheezing) 00:03:10.083 --> 00:03:11.510 Population, you. 00:03:11.510 --> 00:03:16.050 We go now live to our Weather Reporter, Mr. Ass. 00:03:16.050 --> 00:03:17.300 - Thanks, Preti. 00:03:17.300 --> 00:03:19.240 I'm here in Dork City 00:03:19.240 --> 00:03:22.790 like a fucking idiot talking about the weather. 00:03:22.790 --> 00:03:25.190 And no, your ears didn't deceive you. 00:03:25.190 --> 00:03:29.163 I sound exactly like Kermit the frog. 00:03:30.532 --> 00:03:35.110 Perhaps, my first words didn't sound like Kermit, 00:03:35.110 --> 00:03:38.200 but that's because it's dry in here. 00:03:38.200 --> 00:03:40.290 And what I'm saying right now, 00:03:40.290 --> 00:03:44.430 and every subsequent line is a pretty solid 00:03:44.430 --> 00:03:46.370 Kermit voice. 00:03:46.370 --> 00:03:47.680 Since I'm inside, 00:03:47.680 --> 00:03:50.190 I'm going to use these industrial fans 00:03:50.190 --> 00:03:52.620 to simulate a big ass storm. 00:03:52.620 --> 00:03:54.380 Oh, that's what that fan is for. 00:03:54.380 --> 00:03:55.370 Oh shit. 00:03:55.370 --> 00:03:57.170 Even though this is definitely going to 00:03:57.170 --> 00:03:59.970 fuck up the sound quality of this episode. 00:03:59.970 --> 00:04:03.350 And even though it's probably going to blow my hair around 00:04:03.350 --> 00:04:06.780 and make it really hard to get the green screen working, 00:04:06.780 --> 00:04:10.924 the script says I have to do it. So I'm doing it. 00:04:10.924 --> 00:04:12.290 - Worth it. 00:04:12.290 --> 00:04:14.357 (wind blowing heavily) 00:04:14.357 --> 00:04:16.333 - Is this industrial strength? 00:04:16.333 --> 00:04:20.447 Because you'd think it could go a little stronger, okay. 00:04:20.447 --> 00:04:22.423 As you can see, 00:04:22.423 --> 00:04:25.186 if I were actually in a storm, 00:04:25.186 --> 00:04:28.520 it would look a little something like this. 00:04:28.520 --> 00:04:29.893 Maybe. 00:04:29.893 --> 00:04:34.409 As I write this, I have no idea what this will look like. 00:04:34.409 --> 00:04:36.810 Or if Sam will shell out, 00:04:36.810 --> 00:04:40.070 to buy a big industrial fan. 00:04:40.070 --> 00:04:44.135 Truly, anything could be happening right now. 00:04:44.135 --> 00:04:48.055 This is me the writer now, talking through Mr. Ass. 00:04:48.055 --> 00:04:50.890 And I the writer, also sound like Kermit. 00:04:50.890 --> 00:04:54.732 But then I suppose I have been speaking through Mr. Ass 00:04:54.732 --> 00:04:56.633 since the moment he began speaking. 00:04:56.633 --> 00:04:58.959 This is the nature of art. 00:04:58.959 --> 00:04:59.792 Penis! 00:05:01.000 --> 00:05:04.983 Anyway, flooding happens when water has nowhere to go. 00:05:06.400 --> 00:05:07.233 (clears throat) 00:05:07.233 --> 00:05:08.480 (giddy chuckling) 00:05:08.480 --> 00:05:11.290 - I love how your Kermit impression held up. 00:05:11.290 --> 00:05:13.440 - Until next time, I'm Mr. Ass, 00:05:13.440 --> 00:05:16.040 saying my catch phrase that we all know. 00:05:16.040 --> 00:05:19.160 So we're all going to say it at the same time. 00:05:19.160 --> 00:05:23.064 Even the fourth anchor who hasn't spoken yet. 00:05:23.064 --> 00:05:26.740 (all speaking at once) 00:05:26.740 --> 00:05:28.270 - Thanks, Mister. 00:05:28.270 --> 00:05:30.430 Another thing you can do with all that junk, 00:05:30.430 --> 00:05:31.653 I just thought of it. 00:05:34.807 --> 00:05:36.980 Is rub all of it on other things. 00:05:36.980 --> 00:05:38.670 And kind of, 00:05:38.670 --> 00:05:40.490 it's a cleaning thing. 00:05:40.490 --> 00:05:41.810 If you rub all the junk. 00:05:41.810 --> 00:05:43.290 - Now, how would that work? 00:05:43.290 --> 00:05:45.570 - Well, you take all the junk in the trunk, 00:05:45.570 --> 00:05:47.110 And then you take another thing, 00:05:47.110 --> 00:05:49.790 and then you rub it together, 00:05:49.790 --> 00:05:52.610 and one or two or both of those things 00:05:52.610 --> 00:05:55.130 would be cleaner than they were. 00:05:55.130 --> 00:05:55.963 - Guess I don't know what else 00:05:55.963 --> 00:05:57.320 I thought the answer would be. 00:05:57.320 --> 00:05:58.675 (giggling) 00:05:58.675 --> 00:06:00.712 (yelling) 00:06:00.712 --> 00:06:04.600 - And with that, we go to Entertainment Reporter, 00:06:04.600 --> 00:06:06.320 Beef Teeth. (wheezing) 00:06:06.320 --> 00:06:07.966 - Thank you, Hugh. 00:06:07.966 --> 00:06:08.799 (laughing) 00:06:08.799 --> 00:06:09.632 - Oh no. 00:06:12.757 --> 00:06:15.262 (silence) 00:06:15.262 --> 00:06:17.512 (wheezing) 00:06:21.067 --> 00:06:23.317 (laughing) 00:06:24.890 --> 00:06:26.715 Q who? 00:06:28.600 --> 00:06:29.560 - You, Hugh. 00:06:29.560 --> 00:06:31.350 Well, there's a new Star Wars movie. 00:06:31.350 --> 00:06:32.370 Which of course means, 00:06:32.370 --> 00:06:35.830 that Star Wars fans are practically jumping with fury. 00:06:35.830 --> 00:06:37.240 These miserable little toads 00:06:37.240 --> 00:06:38.520 who haven't gotten anything they've asked for, 00:06:38.520 --> 00:06:41.330 have gotten some of the piddling little complaints, 00:06:41.330 --> 00:06:42.220 and now, 00:06:42.220 --> 00:06:43.053 problem. 00:06:43.053 --> 00:06:44.980 And now that's your problem for some reason. 00:06:44.980 --> 00:06:46.140 (Hugh wheezing) 00:06:46.140 --> 00:06:49.210 This time, the names are just too stupid. 00:06:49.210 --> 00:06:51.620 Even though Star Wars has always 00:06:51.620 --> 00:06:53.600 been filled with dumb ass names like, 00:06:53.600 --> 00:06:56.160 Salacious Crumb and Jar Jar Binks, 00:06:56.160 --> 00:06:59.440 some fans say the new names have gone too far. 00:06:59.440 --> 00:07:01.590 - Beef, could you give us some examples of those names? 00:07:01.590 --> 00:07:02.890 - Of course I can. 00:07:02.890 --> 00:07:05.468 In fact, I can give you five. 00:07:05.468 --> 00:07:06.385 - Terrific. 00:07:08.070 --> 00:07:09.869 - Dueler Turds. 00:07:09.869 --> 00:07:10.702 (giggling) 00:07:10.702 --> 00:07:13.778 There's one. Lives on a rocket ship or some shit. 00:07:13.778 --> 00:07:16.295 - [Preti] Mhmm. 00:07:16.295 --> 00:07:18.096 - Creden Furbies. 00:07:18.096 --> 00:07:19.530 - Oh yeah. 00:07:19.530 --> 00:07:20.560 - The pilot. 00:07:20.560 --> 00:07:23.470 (giddy giggling) 00:07:23.470 --> 00:07:25.319 Pot Pot Tin. 00:07:25.319 --> 00:07:26.530 (Hugh wheezing) 00:07:26.530 --> 00:07:28.178 Jar Jar Binks' brother. 00:07:28.178 --> 00:07:29.440 (laughing) 00:07:29.440 --> 00:07:30.810 Obviously. 00:07:30.810 --> 00:07:32.710 Challah Wok Chad. 00:07:32.710 --> 00:07:33.543 (spits) 00:07:33.543 --> 00:07:34.760 - Oh a Chad. 00:07:34.760 --> 00:07:38.240 - And then we have the last one, which is 00:07:40.280 --> 00:07:42.240 Princess 00:07:42.240 --> 00:07:43.242 Feracught. 00:07:43.242 --> 00:07:44.075 - Oh. 00:07:44.075 --> 00:07:44.908 - All right, yeah. 00:07:44.908 --> 00:07:45.741 Well, I'll say this. 00:07:45.741 --> 00:07:47.240 Those are some pretty dumb names, 00:07:47.240 --> 00:07:50.050 but also pretty equal level of dumb to every other name. 00:07:50.050 --> 00:07:52.270 - That is objectively correct. 00:07:52.270 --> 00:07:53.850 That's no different from 00:07:54.930 --> 00:07:56.480 Helego 00:07:56.480 --> 00:07:57.730 Willacaster. 00:07:57.730 --> 00:07:58.563 - [Hugh] Oh. 00:07:58.563 --> 00:07:59.396 - [Beef] No. 00:07:59.396 --> 00:08:01.693 San Script Pike Guard. 00:08:05.197 --> 00:08:06.530 Fargone 00:08:06.530 --> 00:08:07.836 Faceferve. 00:08:07.836 --> 00:08:08.669 - Mhmm. 00:08:08.669 --> 00:08:10.608 - Fargone Face. 00:08:10.608 --> 00:08:12.358 - Nattywat Natawoule. 00:08:13.670 --> 00:08:14.503 And 00:08:17.610 --> 00:08:18.960 Jibbs. 00:08:18.960 --> 00:08:20.460 Until next time, I'm Beef Teeth 00:08:20.460 --> 00:08:24.200 signing off with Masters Ass's catchphrase. 00:08:24.200 --> 00:08:25.033 Eat my ass. 00:08:25.033 --> 00:08:26.260 - [Hugh] Till next time. 00:08:26.260 --> 00:08:27.417 - [Preti] Go to the, bye. 00:08:27.417 --> 00:08:29.030 - [Mr. Ass] Eat my ass. 00:08:29.030 --> 00:08:30.220 - Oh, 00:08:30.220 --> 00:08:31.053 okay. 00:08:31.053 --> 00:08:32.850 And that's all the news that's ever happened. 00:08:32.850 --> 00:08:35.550 Except of course, for the news of tonight's loser. 00:08:35.550 --> 00:08:36.733 Which is, 00:08:37.830 --> 00:08:42.370 the hottest lady you ever saw with a lot of money. 00:08:42.370 --> 00:08:43.203 Me. 00:08:43.203 --> 00:08:44.650 (giddy laughter) 00:08:44.650 --> 00:08:47.490 Yes, me just couldn't keep it together. 00:08:47.490 --> 00:08:50.610 So I'm afraid you have to try to pour a tall glass of water 00:08:50.610 --> 00:08:52.804 while standing directly in front of the big ass fans. 00:08:52.804 --> 00:08:54.077 - [Preti] Oh no. Oh goodness. 00:08:54.077 --> 00:08:55.287 (high pitched laughter) 00:08:55.287 --> 00:08:56.120 - [Preti] All right. 00:08:56.120 --> 00:08:57.361 Oh god, oh god. 00:08:57.361 --> 00:08:58.957 - [Mr. Ass] Oh no. 00:08:58.957 --> 00:09:01.658 Oh no, the fans not too strong, I will say. 00:09:01.658 --> 00:09:03.212 - [Hugh] Okay, got it. 00:09:03.212 --> 00:09:05.057 (wind blowing heavily) 00:09:05.057 --> 00:09:06.795 - [Mr. Ass] Whoa! 00:09:06.795 --> 00:09:10.784 (all laughing and yelling) 00:09:10.784 --> 00:09:12.175 Oh the fan is strong!