WEBVTT

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- [Announcer] From West
Hollywood, California

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the only news team that doesn't know

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what's on the teleprompter
before they read it.

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Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points.

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This is Breaking News!

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(dramatic music)

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- Hello and welcome to Breaking News

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the show where we don't
know what we're about to say

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and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh.

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I'm Tiffany Germ.

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And I'm Mr. Strong.

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Our top story tonight, The
Muppets: Are they overrated?

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Sources are telling me yes.

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- A whistle-blower inside
the Henson organization

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has released documents saying

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that the Muppets are fine or whatever,

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but everybody could just take it down

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about five notches when it comes to them.

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- First of all Gonzo is the only good one.

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Kermit is a boring scold.

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Ms. Piggy is a full-on sex offender.

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And the rest mostly just make dated jokes

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about like hippies.

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- That's true we've got the
Swedish Chef out here like

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(makes nonsensical sounds)

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and Rolf is always like,

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What does Rolf sound like?

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- There's no way you're beating

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that Swedish Chef impression.

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(makes nonsensical sounds)

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And Rolf is always like "hey!"

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That's more of Dr. Teeth,
but it's something like that.

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- That was oddly good.

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The whistle blower says
that there are, at best,

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two and a half good Muppet movies.

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And that it's telling that the people

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who are super into the Muppets

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are never very funny as individuals.

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Plus what's the story,

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is Sesame Street a Muppet thing?

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That's always been wicked confusing.

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The Muppets aren't the only
overrated thing, though.

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Prosciutto, for instance,
is just thin ham,

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but everyone nuts all
over themselves for it?

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Silliness.

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And dogs? Everybody chill out about dogs.

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Every dog owner I know

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has pictures of their dog on their phone

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that they look at on vacation to cry.

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It's actually co-dependency.

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- Bananas. Here are seven more
things that are overrated.

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(clears throat)

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Bananas, people think
they're a good morning food,

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they don't fill you up much.

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And a little known fact
they're high in histamine.

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July fourth fireworks are overrated

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in the sense that they
scare dogs like mine.

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A picture of whom I have on my phone.

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(clears throat)

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Mike Trapp is overrated in the sense that

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he will willingly sabotage a production

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just for a laugh that only
makes sense to the inside crew.

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(crew members laughing)

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The movie Austin Powers is overrated.

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I watched it at the Hollywood
Cemetery before the pandemic,

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and you'd be surprised
how many of those jokes

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are straight on sexual harassment.

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(clears throat)

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Cats are overrated, I will
say, as somebody who has a cat,

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in the sense that however
much love you give them

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it's like pouring it into an empty void.

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They don't return it unless
it's convenient for them.

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Logan and Jake Paul are overrated.

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That one's self explanatory.

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Hope that doesn't get me
in trouble on the internet.

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- One of those Paul boys
is gonna beat you up.

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Whichever one of them is
the angry beating up one.

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- The idea that someone
would hear you criticize cats

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and be like "that's fine,"

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and then be like "Whoa,
whoa, whoa, Logan Paul?

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Over the line, my guy!"

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- One of them's gonna beat me up?

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Do they both box at this point,

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or is just one of them a wannabe boxer?

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- No just the cats are.

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- Oh got it.
(Brennan meows)

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Finally, I'm overrated,

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my success has been entirely
right place, right time,

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and a total coincidence,
and if you're a fan of me,

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it's a self fulfilling prophecy
where I put myself in stuff.

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- That's absolutely right.

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We'll go now to a brand new
member of the News team,

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Jamie Lotion, for weather.

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Jamie, nice to meet you.

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- Oh, um this is awkward.

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We've actually met before.

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- Oh my god I hate this so much.

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This is the worst.

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Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
- [Jamie] Yeah.

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- Where did we meet?

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- Where did we meet?

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We both went to Hannom Elementary School.

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And we literally were in class together

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from kindergarten through sixth grade.

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- Sorry I don't remember that I was,

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- Fill in the blank.

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- I was the kid in the back of the class

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who was just eating lots of glue.

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So those early years
are just a blur to me.

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- Okay.

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- Jamie, we apologize.

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On behalf of the rest of the News team

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it really is nice to meet you.

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- Oh, we've actually met before too.

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- Shit, shit!
- Yeah.

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- Alright, where?

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- Okay well it's kind of a long story.

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In third grade my parents surprised me

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with a trip to space camp.

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Which was a really big deal
for me 'cause I love space.

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And I was the youngest in the group,

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and I was also the only girl.

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We were on a mission
together, a fake mission.

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I was in mission control

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and I had a panic attack
and started crying.

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(crew member laughs)

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And you came in and you gave me a flower.

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(crew member laughs)

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And made it all better.

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- Uh huh. What were you wearing?

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- That's kind of a long story.
(crew members and Mike laughs)

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I was supposed to be
wearing my space camp shirt,

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tucked into my cargo shorts.

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(crew member laughs)

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But during the panic attack

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I had wet myself.
(crew members laughing)

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So I had to change.

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So we went to the gift shop in space camp,

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and the only thing they had was
a men's extra large t-shirt.

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- Are you crying right now?
- Yeah!

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And so we wrapped a belt around it.

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And everybody knew I didn't fit in.

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- I apologize, maybe you
should just introduce yourself

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to the audience.

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- Mhm, I've actually
met the audience before.

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- Where?

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- It's kind of a long story!

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Three days before space camp

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(crew members laughing)

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we had gone throughout
the rest of Florida,

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and I was on a ride at Disney World.

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And I puked and I hid in my seat.

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And I slipped out.

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And I almost died but the audience

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was underneath the ride and caught me.

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And so I didn't die.

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- Did you know them as the
audience at that point?

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- Yeah!
(crew member laughs)

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- And they've been traveling

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as a collective group this whole time?

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- Yeah!

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- I'll just come right out and say it.

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If someone doesn't remember meeting you,

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it means you're not memorable enough

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and it's your own fault.
- Damn!

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- We'll go now to a Sexy
Hustler that we let do sports.

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- He's very, very sexy!

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- Oh, hi.

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Gosh you caught me right in
the middle of a game of pool.

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(blanket hits the ground)

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This is the middle of a game of pool.

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(Mike, Sam, and crew laughing)

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- [Mike] You're the pool expert.

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- You tell us.
- [Mike] Yeah.

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- No, no I know that I
know everything about pool,

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which is why this, with
the cue stick on the table,

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is the middle of a game of pool.

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With the chalk and the cue
ball that's all the middle.

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(Sam laughing)

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The plastic covers
around the fucking balls,

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- The middle of the game
- and that's the middle

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of the game of pool.

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- Well this explains why you're so good.

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- Yeah I know it explains why I'm so good.

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Which is why I removed the cover

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for the middle of the game of pool.

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I love playing pool.

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It's a game of patience and angles.

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I'm a very patient man,

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and I know just how to hit the spot.

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- Oh that is sexy.

00:08:20.563 --> 00:08:24.460
- I love the feeling of
using my big stick, you know?

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Say would you wanna watch me knock in

00:08:26.354 --> 00:08:28.406
this entire rack of pool balls?

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I'll tell you what, after
every time I hit the ball,

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I'll say something sexy to you.

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Would you like that?

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I'll bet you would.

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Great.
(crew laughs)

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- It's weird that this
qualifies as the news.

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(crew laughs)

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- It's weird that he
has to chalk up his cue

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in the middle of a game of pool.

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- It is weird.

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- There's different thoughts about that.

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Some people say that you should
rechalk pretty frequently,

00:08:50.770 --> 00:08:52.840
even in the midst of a game of pool,

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like the one I'm playing now.
- Oh my gods.

00:08:54.290 --> 00:08:57.280
- It's good to have the
table be just right up

00:08:57.280 --> 00:09:00.703
almost a nipple height.
- For sure, yeah.

00:09:00.703 --> 00:09:02.903
(balls click)
- [Brennan] Bukake!

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(Mike and crew laughing)

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- I guess that was sexy.

00:09:08.100 --> 00:09:10.643
- Okay hold on one second.

00:09:10.643 --> 00:09:12.920
(balls click)

00:09:12.920 --> 00:09:14.013
Foot stuff!

00:09:15.260 --> 00:09:18.080
Okay here we go and,

00:09:18.080 --> 00:09:20.680
(balls click)
- Oh my god.

00:09:20.680 --> 00:09:22.600
- Froggy style!

00:09:22.600 --> 00:09:25.710
- So sir, it's nice to meet
you, but we have to move on.

00:09:25.710 --> 00:09:29.460
- Oh, actually we've met before.

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- Really, when, where?

00:09:32.080 --> 00:09:34.840
- We met at space camp.

00:09:34.840 --> 00:09:38.257
I work at space camp.

00:09:38.257 --> 00:09:42.589
I make and craft artisan pool tables

00:09:42.589 --> 00:09:45.280
that work in outer space.

00:09:45.280 --> 00:09:47.170
- How? Not how do you make them,

00:09:47.170 --> 00:09:48.640
how does it work in outer space?

00:09:48.640 --> 00:09:53.160
- In outer space there
is different gravity.

00:09:53.160 --> 00:09:54.480
I was gonna say no gravity,

00:09:54.480 --> 00:09:55.910
but obviously if you're closer

00:09:55.910 --> 00:09:57.390
to some large celestial bodies,

00:09:57.390 --> 00:09:59.208
there will be gravity forces there.

00:09:59.208 --> 00:10:01.911
So you need to play pool

00:10:01.911 --> 00:10:05.970
not just in the two
dimensions of the the table,

00:10:05.970 --> 00:10:07.490
but also three dimensions.

00:10:07.490 --> 00:10:09.318
If I don't hit a joke in this explanation

00:10:09.318 --> 00:10:11.460
it's because I got too excited about

00:10:11.460 --> 00:10:12.806
thinking about how that would work.

00:10:12.806 --> 00:10:14.450
(crew laughing)

00:10:14.450 --> 00:10:15.460
- Very sexy.

00:10:15.460 --> 00:10:16.293
- Very sexy, very sexy.

00:10:16.293 --> 00:10:18.225
- Now I would be getting more balls

00:10:18.225 --> 00:10:20.460
in this pocket right here,

00:10:20.460 --> 00:10:22.780
but it's totally full of balls.

00:10:22.780 --> 00:10:24.660
- That's the sexiest
thing you've said so far.

00:10:24.660 --> 00:10:27.017
- That is, hugely sexy.
(Brennan laughs)

00:10:27.017 --> 00:10:28.926
- That does it for us, but before we go,

00:10:28.926 --> 00:10:32.088
we'll tell you that tonight's
loser is Samwise Reich.

00:10:32.088 --> 00:10:34.277
As punishment they're
going to have to go around

00:10:34.277 --> 00:10:35.880
and tell the real actors

00:10:35.880 --> 00:10:37.090
where they think they first met,

00:10:37.090 --> 00:10:38.780
to see if their stories line up.

00:10:38.780 --> 00:10:41.787
- Cool, Katie,
- Marovitch.

00:10:41.787 --> 00:10:42.787
- Marovitch.

00:10:43.940 --> 00:10:46.080
I believe we would have first met

00:10:46.080 --> 00:10:50.080
when you were an intern at CollegeHumor.

00:10:50.080 --> 00:10:53.450
Probably out on the floor
of the office somewhere?

00:10:53.450 --> 00:10:54.970
- I remember it exactly.

00:10:54.970 --> 00:10:57.227
- Oh shit!
(cast and crew laughs)

00:10:57.227 --> 00:11:00.260
- Your former assistant
took me into your office,

00:11:00.260 --> 00:11:01.380
which was on the fourth floor,

00:11:01.380 --> 00:11:02.540
we were on the fifth floor.

00:11:02.540 --> 00:11:03.373
- Yes.

00:11:03.373 --> 00:11:05.470
And I said hello.
- Yes.

00:11:05.470 --> 00:11:07.940
- Because we have a family connection.

00:11:07.940 --> 00:11:08.930
Which you don't remember.

00:11:08.930 --> 00:11:10.050
(cast and crew laughs)

00:11:10.050 --> 00:11:11.981
- We're cousins, we're cousins!

00:11:11.981 --> 00:11:13.810
- Uh Trapp,
- Yes?

00:11:13.810 --> 00:11:15.960
I think we would have met,

00:11:15.960 --> 00:11:17.630
did we meet back in New York?

00:11:17.630 --> 00:11:18.530
- Maybe.

00:11:18.530 --> 00:11:20.540
(Sam laughs)
- Shit.

00:11:20.540 --> 00:11:22.710
(Mike and Sam laughing)

00:11:22.710 --> 00:11:25.450
To be honest my first concrete
memories of meeting you

00:11:25.450 --> 00:11:28.520
is when we were talking
about the writers position.

00:11:28.520 --> 00:11:30.550
And bringing you out to LA.

00:11:30.550 --> 00:11:32.260
- I think the first time we met

00:11:32.260 --> 00:11:35.359
was before I started
working at College Humor.

00:11:35.359 --> 00:11:38.068
It was actually at a Halloween party,

00:11:38.068 --> 00:11:39.530
- No.
- in which you were dressed

00:11:39.530 --> 00:11:43.610
as Dr. Robotnic, or perhaps, Mr. Eggman.

00:11:43.610 --> 00:11:44.443
- Yes!

00:11:44.443 --> 00:11:45.276
- So to be fair,

00:11:45.276 --> 00:11:47.190
you were in costume and I was in costume.

00:11:47.190 --> 00:11:49.760
There's no reason you would
have recognized me or known me,

00:11:49.760 --> 00:11:51.260
but I think that was the
first time I met you.

00:11:51.260 --> 00:11:52.547
- Oh
- I'm so far mortified.

00:11:52.547 --> 00:11:55.400
- Brennan, please tell me that we met

00:11:55.400 --> 00:11:58.070
when you were a writer for Um, Actually.

00:11:58.070 --> 00:12:00.660
- We met five years before that.

00:12:00.660 --> 00:12:04.077
(cast and crew laughing)

00:12:06.240 --> 00:12:09.140
- Now obviously when
I became your employee

00:12:09.140 --> 00:12:11.180
is obviously when I
became a full human being.

00:12:11.180 --> 00:12:13.740
But prior to that,
(crew laughs)

00:12:13.740 --> 00:12:18.740
in New York City we had
a 15 minute conversation,

00:12:19.910 --> 00:12:23.660
at Chelsea Piers with you
and your lovely wife, Elaine,

00:12:23.660 --> 00:12:26.060
when I was a house performer at UCB.

00:12:26.060 --> 00:12:27.420
Where I talked about
- Perfect.

00:12:27.420 --> 00:12:29.530
- how meaningful Dutch West was,

00:12:29.530 --> 00:12:30.879
your old sketch group,
- Great.

00:12:30.879 --> 00:12:33.209
- over a long dinner where I was a guest

00:12:33.209 --> 00:12:35.540
of Josh Ruben and Vince Peone.

00:12:35.540 --> 00:12:37.310
- Fantastic.

00:12:37.310 --> 00:12:41.793
Well, I'm an asshole.
(cast and crew laughs)