WEBVTT

1
00:00:00.190 --> 00:00:02.520
- [Sam] From West Hollywood, California,

00:00:02.520 --> 00:00:04.940
the only news team that
doesn't know what's on the

00:00:04.940 --> 00:00:07.050
teleprompter before they read it.

00:00:07.050 --> 00:00:10.040
Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points.

00:00:10.040 --> 00:00:12.640
This is Breaking News.

00:00:12.640 --> 00:00:14.580
(upbeat music plays)

00:00:14.580 --> 00:00:16.680
- Hello, and welcome to Breaking News.

00:00:16.680 --> 00:00:18.800
The show where we don't know
what we're about to say,

00:00:18.800 --> 00:00:21.530
and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh.

00:00:21.530 --> 00:00:22.893
- I'm Tina Pooter.

00:00:24.240 --> 00:00:25.757
- I'm Handsome Anthony.

00:00:25.757 --> 00:00:27.870
[Tina] Our top story tonight,

00:00:27.870 --> 00:00:30.570
Ford has announced a new top of the line,

00:00:30.570 --> 00:00:35.570
all electric pickup truck.
It's the lowest price EV yet.

00:00:36.260 --> 00:00:39.340
What's the catch? To get it,

00:00:39.340 --> 00:00:43.000
you have to kiss the salesman on the lips.

00:00:43.000 --> 00:00:43.833
- That's right.

00:00:43.833 --> 00:00:47.210
It's a new model of F-150 the
most popular truck in America.

00:00:47.210 --> 00:00:48.043
In a statement,

00:00:48.043 --> 00:00:51.297
Ford said the F in F-150
stands for frenching.

00:00:51.297 --> 00:00:53.390
[Tina] In a press release CEO

00:00:53.390 --> 00:00:56.450
Jim Farley said Henry Ford
made cars available to the

00:00:56.450 --> 00:00:59.110
masses. And today we're
doing the same thing,

00:00:59.110 --> 00:01:02.840
but instead of cars, it's
our soft, moist lips,

00:01:02.840 --> 00:01:04.320
gently finding yours.

00:01:04.320 --> 00:01:07.990
- The blue oval boys say that
the truck will get over 300

00:01:07.990 --> 00:01:12.140
miles on a single charge and
be able to tow 10.000 pounds.

00:01:12.140 --> 00:01:14.830
You want it, don't you. You want it bad.

00:01:14.830 --> 00:01:17.193
Well, pucker up buttercup.

00:01:17.193 --> 00:01:21.520
[Tina] This all reminds
me of my first kiss.

00:01:22.560 --> 00:01:24.710
It was after high school because

00:01:24.710 --> 00:01:26.930
I did not date in high school.

00:01:26.930 --> 00:01:29.230
I don't know if it's going to be funny.

00:01:29.230 --> 00:01:33.400
I think we simply kissed,

00:01:33.400 --> 00:01:34.730
but the first time I had sex,

00:01:34.730 --> 00:01:36.903
I did lock my dad in
the basement to do it.

00:01:38.261 --> 00:01:39.890
(Erika laughs)

00:01:39.890 --> 00:01:40.723
Your turn!

00:01:43.200 --> 00:01:45.080
- Ah, okay.

00:01:45.080 --> 00:01:46.350
I'll tell you what.

00:01:46.350 --> 00:01:49.470
I wouldn't mind getting my
hands on one of those bad boys.

00:01:49.470 --> 00:01:50.450
- Oh yeah.

00:01:50.450 --> 00:01:52.067
Let's see what you got.

00:01:52.067 --> 00:01:54.217
[Tina] Make out with
this mannequin's head.

00:01:55.470 --> 00:01:57.493
- Just so we're going to get a good look.

00:01:59.460 --> 00:02:01.940
- Close your eyes and
think of your fiance.

00:02:01.940 --> 00:02:03.780
Just think about the GIFs they'll make.

00:02:03.780 --> 00:02:05.029
- Yeah. That'll really help.

00:02:05.029 --> 00:02:07.260
I'm going to think about
my wonderful fiance.

00:02:07.260 --> 00:02:08.719
- And how un-loyal you're being.

00:02:08.719 --> 00:02:11.969
(dramatic music plays)

00:02:13.618 --> 00:02:15.670
(kissing sounds)

00:02:15.670 --> 00:02:17.850
- Oh, that's not how you kiss!

00:02:17.850 --> 00:02:19.658
- You have no idea how I kiss.

00:02:19.658 --> 00:02:21.130
(laughs loudly)

00:02:21.130 --> 00:02:21.963
- That's true!

00:02:23.000 --> 00:02:24.110
- Okay, here we go.

00:02:24.110 --> 00:02:24.943
It's good. We're good.

00:02:24.943 --> 00:02:25.776
Let's do it.

00:02:29.090 --> 00:02:33.207
Mwa, mwa, mwa. So attractive.

00:02:33.207 --> 00:02:36.601
It helps that you're so completely still.

00:02:36.601 --> 00:02:39.434
(everyone laughs)

00:02:42.400 --> 00:02:47.157
I feel, I feel, I feel winded
and sad all at the same time.

00:02:47.157 --> 00:02:49.423
[Lily] That's what I like after a kiss.

00:02:52.480 --> 00:02:54.020
No, no, that's all wrong.

00:02:54.020 --> 00:02:56.460
Be romantic about it.

00:02:56.460 --> 00:02:59.810
Tell them what you like best about them.

00:03:04.355 --> 00:03:05.200
(Erika snorts)

00:03:05.200 --> 00:03:09.760
- What I like most about you is I think,

00:03:09.760 --> 00:03:11.220
I think my favorite thing about you is

00:03:11.220 --> 00:03:15.560
your completely solid hairline.

00:03:15.560 --> 00:03:17.530
And I would say to you the other thing,

00:03:17.530 --> 00:03:18.363
that's really nice...

00:03:18.363 --> 00:03:19.690
- Tell them about the life you're going

00:03:19.690 --> 00:03:21.377
to make for them.

00:03:21.377 --> 00:03:23.900
[Brennan] I would, I it's incredible

00:03:23.900 --> 00:03:27.940
that they have made the
mannequin seem bored.

00:03:27.940 --> 00:03:30.514
The mannequin seems uninterested.

00:03:30.514 --> 00:03:33.181
(Erika giggles)

00:03:38.990 --> 00:03:40.290
I'm gonna take care of you.

00:03:40.290 --> 00:03:41.480
You're never going to have to worry.

00:03:41.480 --> 00:03:42.626
You're my princess.

00:03:42.626 --> 00:03:43.723
(Erika laughs)

00:03:43.723 --> 00:03:46.060
I'm gonna, I'm gonna build a life for you.

00:03:46.060 --> 00:03:47.500
You're too beautiful to work.

00:03:47.500 --> 00:03:51.993
- Now softly, slowly, kiss
them like you're in love.

00:03:53.580 --> 00:03:58.160
- You are to me, my life
before you was a blur.

00:03:58.160 --> 00:04:01.350
I only came to life when
you came into my life,

00:04:01.350 --> 00:04:03.000
yup we're done.

00:04:03.000 --> 00:04:03.970
- Hey, listen.

00:04:03.970 --> 00:04:07.810
I just made up all that stuff about Ford.

00:04:07.810 --> 00:04:10.160
- I fall for this every time.

00:04:10.160 --> 00:04:13.470
- now for an update on the astronauts

00:04:13.470 --> 00:04:14.990
stranded on the space station.

00:04:14.990 --> 00:04:16.633
Here's NASA correspondent,

00:04:20.030 --> 00:04:21.890
Punky Jewster.

00:04:21.890 --> 00:04:25.335
- On behalf of Reddit and Tumblr. Thanks.

00:04:25.335 --> 00:04:26.610
(Brennan laughs)

00:04:26.610 --> 00:04:27.443
As you know,

00:04:27.443 --> 00:04:29.300
six astronauts have been stranded

00:04:29.300 --> 00:04:32.160
aboard the space station for days now.

00:04:32.160 --> 00:04:34.740
they're running out of air
and hope has been rapidly

00:04:34.740 --> 00:04:37.450
fading, but this afternoon one Intrepid

00:04:37.450 --> 00:04:40.170
janitor came up with a daring rescue plan.

00:04:40.170 --> 00:04:42.290
That's just crazy enough to work.

00:04:42.290 --> 00:04:43.840
- That's great news, Punky.

00:04:43.840 --> 00:04:45.120
What are they doing?

00:04:45.120 --> 00:04:46.850
- Well, it's a little complicated,

00:04:46.850 --> 00:04:49.780
but luckily I have this
convenient box of knickknacks that

00:04:49.780 --> 00:04:52.697
will help me explain using a metaphor.

00:04:52.697 --> 00:04:57.697
[Erika] Now let's say
this coffee cup is Earth.

00:04:58.480 --> 00:05:01.730
And that this pencil is the space station.

00:05:01.730 --> 00:05:06.730
And these cards are
the Earth's atmosphere.

00:05:07.095 --> 00:05:10.070
(cards shuffle)

00:05:10.070 --> 00:05:10.903
Its very thick.

00:05:10.903 --> 00:05:14.850
Thanks to the regulations that
we have had to rebuild the

00:05:14.850 --> 00:05:16.660
ozone layer back in the nineties.

00:05:16.660 --> 00:05:19.683
There's actually a lot
of evidence that, that,

00:05:19.683 --> 00:05:22.220
that concerted effort and
changing the culture of

00:05:22.220 --> 00:05:24.280
environmentalism works folks.

00:05:24.280 --> 00:05:25.860
So the space station is here,

00:05:25.860 --> 00:05:28.060
the earth, the Earth's
atmosphere is down here.

00:05:28.060 --> 00:05:29.890
If this space station goes down,

00:05:29.890 --> 00:05:31.820
it is going to burn up on entry.

00:05:31.820 --> 00:05:32.880
- Punky, I'd like to go back to

00:05:32.880 --> 00:05:34.440
the deck of cards for a moment.

00:05:34.440 --> 00:05:37.210
Can you elaborate further
on the science behind that?

00:05:37.210 --> 00:05:38.920
- Oh, well, well, as I said,

00:05:38.920 --> 00:05:42.770
this is the ozone layer and
the atmosphere of earth,

00:05:42.770 --> 00:05:45.260
but it is too tough.

00:05:45.260 --> 00:05:50.260
As you can see for these poor
astronauts up here to get down

00:05:50.530 --> 00:05:53.450
into the Earth where their loved ones are.

00:05:53.450 --> 00:05:55.850
So what this janitor has come up with is,

00:05:55.850 --> 00:05:59.000
is to weaponize the space station,

00:05:59.000 --> 00:06:03.327
using these rubber bands that
we will call the space lasers

00:06:03.327 --> 00:06:08.327
to, to sort of like shoot, shoot the,

00:06:08.450 --> 00:06:11.620
from the space station on to...

00:06:11.620 --> 00:06:12.560
- Scary stuff.

00:06:12.560 --> 00:06:15.992
- Yeah. Ta-da! Home Free!

00:06:15.992 --> 00:06:16.825
(cup falls)

00:06:16.825 --> 00:06:18.340
(Lily gasps)

00:06:18.340 --> 00:06:20.630
- Godspeed to those brave men
and women who have slipped the

00:06:20.630 --> 00:06:24.120
surly bonds of earth to
punch the face of God.

00:06:24.120 --> 00:06:25.450
- Thank you, Punky!

00:06:25.450 --> 00:06:28.900
We go now to the test
kitchen with chef Titty.

00:06:28.900 --> 00:06:32.810
Chef, what are you
cooking up for us today?

00:06:32.810 --> 00:06:35.150
- Handsome. The weather is getting warmer.

00:06:35.150 --> 00:06:37.660
And so instead of cooking,
I'll be doing some,

00:06:37.660 --> 00:06:41.673
not cooking with that most
classic raw dish, oysters.

00:06:42.710 --> 00:06:44.970
There we go. Oh, wonderful.

00:06:44.970 --> 00:06:47.800
Now, as you can see these
oysters haven't been opened,

00:06:47.800 --> 00:06:49.200
that's how you know they're fresh.

00:06:49.200 --> 00:06:51.450
It takes some specialized
training to crack them.

00:06:51.450 --> 00:06:54.200
And luckily that's training I have.

00:06:54.200 --> 00:06:56.010
- Oh perfect. In that case,

00:06:56.010 --> 00:07:00.360
we won't move on until you've
opened all of those oysters.

00:07:00.360 --> 00:07:03.380
- I've got my protective gloves on because

00:07:03.380 --> 00:07:06.023
the shucking knife can be quite sharp and

00:07:06.023 --> 00:07:09.780
I, let's give it a go. Let's see.

00:07:09.780 --> 00:07:11.940
Yes, it's much harder than it looks.

00:07:11.940 --> 00:07:13.510
- But you of course have the
training to know how to do it.

00:07:13.510 --> 00:07:15.080
- Of course I have the
training. Now, look,

00:07:15.080 --> 00:07:17.130
I'm demonstrating the
wrong way to do this.

00:07:17.130 --> 00:07:18.980
Now look, you can just
pry that under there,

00:07:18.980 --> 00:07:22.120
give it a good twist and
out comes a shard of shell.

00:07:22.120 --> 00:07:23.280
That's going to be bad.

00:07:23.280 --> 00:07:26.210
That's going to be something
you don't want to eat.

00:07:26.210 --> 00:07:27.700
Now we are going to get that in there.

00:07:27.700 --> 00:07:29.260
We're going to give it another go.

00:07:29.260 --> 00:07:33.030
Let's see if we can get
that open and look at that.

00:07:33.030 --> 00:07:35.320
Just as easy as that.

00:07:35.320 --> 00:07:37.490
- And what you're going
to want to do of course

00:07:37.490 --> 00:07:39.260
is as an expert is to do it

00:07:39.260 --> 00:07:41.100
so that you don't spill the juice.

00:07:41.100 --> 00:07:44.520
- Oh for sure. Definitely not
spill the juice everywhere,

00:07:44.520 --> 00:07:46.980
but you see you get these
lovely shards of shell

00:07:46.980 --> 00:07:48.480
mixed into the raw meat.

00:07:48.480 --> 00:07:50.760
Give you a nice textural
crunch, crunch crunch

00:07:50.760 --> 00:07:52.690
When you're slurping down them oysters.

00:07:52.690 --> 00:07:54.510
And that's one down. You do the math.

00:07:54.510 --> 00:07:56.220
You can tell this is going to take me

00:07:56.220 --> 00:07:57.980
a pretty long fuckin time.

00:07:57.980 --> 00:07:58.813
- You know,

00:07:58.813 --> 00:08:00.830
Jonathan Swift said "He was a bold man

00:08:00.830 --> 00:08:02.390
who first ate an oyster."

00:08:02.390 --> 00:08:04.100
And I know there are different kinds.

00:08:04.100 --> 00:08:06.360
What are the different types of oysters?

00:08:06.360 --> 00:08:09.880
- Well, there's, there's,
Kumamoto, there's Kushi.

00:08:09.880 --> 00:08:11.980
There's blue points.

00:08:11.980 --> 00:08:13.490
There are, there's of course,

00:08:13.490 --> 00:08:16.200
Pacific oysters and Atlantic oysters,

00:08:16.200 --> 00:08:18.716
and you're going to get
different levels of salinity and,

00:08:18.716 --> 00:08:20.570
and meatiness depending on

00:08:20.570 --> 00:08:22.550
what kind of oyster you're eating now.

00:08:22.550 --> 00:08:23.580
- How's that second oyster going?

00:08:23.580 --> 00:08:24.900
- It's, you know what it's coming off,

00:08:24.900 --> 00:08:26.310
but could you believe I'm getting

00:08:26.310 --> 00:08:29.200
a lot of oyster juice on my hands?

00:08:29.200 --> 00:08:30.500
It's quite warm outside.

00:08:30.500 --> 00:08:33.080
I bet I'm going to be taking
this smell home with me for a

00:08:33.080 --> 00:08:34.990
long time, but that's oyster number two.

00:08:34.990 --> 00:08:36.970
So we're moving on to number three.

00:08:36.970 --> 00:08:39.610
- Can you catch any
diseases from eating them?

00:08:39.610 --> 00:08:40.594
- Oh, many

00:08:40.594 --> 00:08:41.960
- Excellent

00:08:41.960 --> 00:08:43.550
- Many oysters, for sure.

00:08:43.550 --> 00:08:46.300
- Well, we'll just wait until you're done.

00:08:46.300 --> 00:08:47.390
- Well, I am done.

00:08:47.390 --> 00:08:50.480
That is it. That is the
third oyster all shucked.

00:08:50.480 --> 00:08:51.790
And it's just that easy folks.

00:08:51.790 --> 00:08:53.580
You can do that at home.

00:08:53.580 --> 00:08:57.290
- Mm, ah. Sea splooge.

00:08:57.290 --> 00:08:58.870
- That's it for us on breaking news.

00:08:58.870 --> 00:09:00.480
But before we go, we'll
announce that tonight's

00:09:00.480 --> 00:09:03.110
loser is Erika!

00:09:03.110 --> 00:09:03.943
And as a punishment

00:09:03.943 --> 00:09:07.573
They have to drink the garnish
for the oysters as a shot.

00:09:12.916 --> 00:09:14.860
- Whew! Down the hatch.

00:09:14.860 --> 00:09:17.465
- No fear

00:09:17.465 --> 00:09:18.956
(Erika spits)

00:09:18.956 --> 00:09:20.140
- Oh!

00:09:20.140 --> 00:09:21.348
(Brennan claps)