WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.180 --> 00:00:02.520 - [Host] From West Hollywood, California, 00:00:02.520 --> 00:00:04.330 the only news team that doesn't know 00:00:04.330 --> 00:00:07.030 what's on the teleprompter before they read it. 00:00:07.030 --> 00:00:10.050 Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points. 00:00:10.050 --> 00:00:12.683 This is Breaking News. 00:00:14.500 --> 00:00:16.100 - Hello, and welcome to Breaking News. 00:00:16.100 --> 00:00:17.710 The show where we don't know what we're about to say, 00:00:17.710 --> 00:00:19.490 and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh. 00:00:19.490 --> 00:00:20.740 I'm Sam Rish. 00:00:20.740 --> 00:00:22.120 - And I'm Sam Rike. 00:00:22.120 --> 00:00:23.450 Our top story tonight, 00:00:23.450 --> 00:00:26.170 billionaire owner of Dropout TV, Sam Reich, 00:00:26.170 --> 00:00:28.610 has announced a new conservative media venture 00:00:28.610 --> 00:00:30.188 known as Dropout America. 00:00:30.188 --> 00:00:31.687 - Reich released a statement saying, 00:00:31.687 --> 00:00:34.870 "These woke libs with their green hair and loser bicycles 00:00:34.870 --> 00:00:36.710 want to tax me out of my vacation home 00:00:36.710 --> 00:00:38.140 to pay for some kid (laughing) 00:00:38.140 --> 00:00:40.360 I've never met to go to third grade. 00:00:40.360 --> 00:00:42.070 I call bullshit. 00:00:42.070 --> 00:00:44.300 - The Game Changer host went on to say that 00:00:44.300 --> 00:00:46.850 poor people should have to pay to use the fire department, 00:00:46.850 --> 00:00:48.750 and that we should get rid of libraries 00:00:48.750 --> 00:00:51.920 because they attract, quote, "the wrong types". 00:00:51.920 --> 00:00:54.210 - The move comes amid the Dimension 20 contestant's 00:00:54.210 --> 00:00:58.100 recent shift toward overt right-wing politics, contestant? 00:00:58.100 --> 00:01:00.020 The seven most conservative things 00:01:00.020 --> 00:01:03.257 Sam Reich has said recently are: 00:01:03.257 --> 00:01:06.457 "I feel like being poor is a choice." 00:01:08.757 --> 00:01:10.800 "The only mental health I need 00:01:10.800 --> 00:01:13.360 is at the bottom of a bottle of Budweiser." 00:01:13.360 --> 00:01:14.407 - I don't drink. 00:01:14.407 --> 00:01:17.609 - "The Statue of Liberty is the only woman I respect. 00:01:17.609 --> 00:01:19.220 - That one's layered. 00:01:19.220 --> 00:01:20.330 - You've got four more. 00:01:20.330 --> 00:01:22.690 - I know I'm putting way too much mustard on these. 00:01:22.690 --> 00:01:24.217 - Take your time; we edit these. 00:01:24.217 --> 00:01:26.910 - "The only difference between France and Germany 00:01:28.705 --> 00:01:30.772 is that they're too ethnic." 00:01:32.547 --> 00:01:35.520 "Donald Trump gets a bad rap. 00:01:35.520 --> 00:01:37.717 Also, I don't care for rap." 00:01:39.891 --> 00:01:41.547 Two more. 00:01:41.547 --> 00:01:43.850 "The greatest American sport is fishing 00:01:43.850 --> 00:01:47.224 and the one after that is tax evasion," 00:01:47.224 --> 00:01:50.812 and "I was glad to see Trebek go." 00:01:50.812 --> 00:01:52.470 (whistles) 00:01:52.470 --> 00:01:55.340 - Dropout America under Reich's dictator-like control 00:01:55.340 --> 00:01:57.940 will feature a slate of alt-right programming. 00:01:57.940 --> 00:02:01.390 Adam Carolla will host a talk show called Canceled? 00:02:01.390 --> 00:02:03.310 in which he interviews C-list comedians 00:02:03.310 --> 00:02:05.950 and faded glory athletes on their political beliefs. 00:02:05.950 --> 00:02:08.993 They've announced five other shows along these lines: 00:02:10.350 --> 00:02:12.433 Fly-fishing with Sam, 00:02:14.590 --> 00:02:17.333 Who's Gonna Get Deported Today, 00:02:18.800 --> 00:02:21.440 in a spinoff series, Kids in Cages, 00:02:21.440 --> 00:02:26.440 and fourth, a show, Stars and Stripes and Titties Forever, 00:02:27.900 --> 00:02:30.010 and the fifth show is 00:02:31.420 --> 00:02:32.620 Get Back in the Kitchen. 00:02:35.260 --> 00:02:37.820 - Sorry I'm coming out of the fugue state of the horror 00:02:37.820 --> 00:02:40.810 that is this episode to do this next line there. 00:02:40.810 --> 00:02:42.720 Those closest to Reich are offering stories 00:02:42.720 --> 00:02:44.270 to illuminate the shift in tone. 00:02:44.270 --> 00:02:46.570 Here to comment is his wife, Elaine Carroll. 00:02:46.570 --> 00:02:49.890 - You have got to be kidding me. 00:02:49.890 --> 00:02:52.900 - Sam has changed. 00:02:52.900 --> 00:02:55.457 The other day, I heard him say to a delivery guy, 00:02:55.457 --> 00:02:57.350 "You want a tip? Here's a tip. 00:02:57.350 --> 00:03:00.100 Next time, call me sir. 00:03:00.100 --> 00:03:01.730 Now I'm giving you to the count of 10 00:03:01.730 --> 00:03:03.011 to get off my property 00:03:03.011 --> 00:03:04.471 before I get five iron 00:03:04.471 --> 00:03:08.910 and take out the headlights on that so-called car of yours." 00:03:08.910 --> 00:03:09.743 And when I was like, 00:03:09.743 --> 00:03:11.840 "That's totally inappropriate." 00:03:11.840 --> 00:03:12.747 He was like, 00:03:12.747 --> 00:03:16.330 "Yeah, whatever. I could have totally kicked that guy's ass. 00:03:16.330 --> 00:03:18.000 Oh, I can't say ass anymore. 00:03:18.000 --> 00:03:20.152 Thanks a lot, Dr. Fauci." 00:03:20.152 --> 00:03:23.270 After that, he just started crying. 00:03:23.270 --> 00:03:25.170 He also told me that he wished that 00:03:25.170 --> 00:03:28.280 instead of having a cat and a dog, we had two guns. 00:03:28.280 --> 00:03:30.610 - We'll continue with team coverage of this development. 00:03:30.610 --> 00:03:34.750 Here's Sam Reesh live from Reich's palatial new mansion. 00:03:34.750 --> 00:03:35.583 - Hello Sam. 00:03:35.583 --> 00:03:38.700 I'm coming to you live from the worst part of Los Angeles, 00:03:38.700 --> 00:03:39.990 Beverly Hills. 00:03:39.990 --> 00:03:42.540 Sam Reich has settled into a sprawling estate 00:03:42.540 --> 00:03:45.920 with a tennis court, a climbing wall and a small vineyard, 00:03:45.920 --> 00:03:49.470 which is odd because Sam is famously allergic to alcohol. 00:03:49.470 --> 00:03:50.490 That's true. 00:03:50.490 --> 00:03:51.810 There's debate as to whether 00:03:51.810 --> 00:03:54.110 he bought the winery out of spite, 00:03:54.110 --> 00:03:55.830 so that no one else could have the grapes, 00:03:55.830 --> 00:03:58.550 or if he's been faking his allergy the whole time 00:03:58.550 --> 00:04:00.170 just to be an asshole. 00:04:00.170 --> 00:04:03.110 - There's word that Sam fakes most of his allergies. 00:04:03.110 --> 00:04:05.560 It's a Munchhausen syndrome thing. 00:04:05.560 --> 00:04:07.200 - Sam gave a few reporters a tour, 00:04:07.200 --> 00:04:11.910 wearing only an open bathrobe and a pair of briefs. 00:04:11.910 --> 00:04:12.850 There was a swimming pool 00:04:12.850 --> 00:04:15.820 that can only be described as porny, 00:04:15.820 --> 00:04:18.150 complete with a grotto and a hot tub 00:04:18.150 --> 00:04:19.610 that he continually pointed out 00:04:19.610 --> 00:04:22.270 was body temperature before winking. 00:04:22.270 --> 00:04:24.500 He told us that we should all come back that night 00:04:24.500 --> 00:04:25.660 because the place would be 00:04:25.660 --> 00:04:29.000 absolutely crawling with sexy models. 00:04:29.000 --> 00:04:31.100 Then he got a turkey leg from somewhere 00:04:31.100 --> 00:04:32.800 and ate it while he walked. 00:04:32.800 --> 00:04:34.530 The turkey grease got in his chest hair, 00:04:34.530 --> 00:04:35.880 and he just rubbed it in. 00:04:35.880 --> 00:04:37.240 - Was there any other food? 00:04:37.240 --> 00:04:40.220 - No. Sam said he's not much of a foodie 00:04:40.220 --> 00:04:43.060 and will just eat whatever trash is lying around. 00:04:43.060 --> 00:04:45.850 I broke off from the tour and got a look at his bedroom. 00:04:45.850 --> 00:04:47.405 What I saw there shocked me, 00:04:47.405 --> 00:04:51.303 and I'll need at least 90 seconds to describe it in detail. 00:04:52.560 --> 00:04:54.079 I looked to my left. 00:04:54.079 --> 00:04:56.620 (laughing) 00:04:56.620 --> 00:04:59.343 There was just a large, 00:05:00.280 --> 00:05:02.930 straight up elephant head that- 00:05:02.930 --> 00:05:06.267 it had written on it in its own blood, 00:05:06.267 --> 00:05:08.310 "I did this, 00:05:08.310 --> 00:05:09.180 comma, 00:05:09.180 --> 00:05:11.150 me, Sam Reich, 00:05:11.150 --> 00:05:12.650 did this. 00:05:12.650 --> 00:05:14.677 I did this by myself." 00:05:15.530 --> 00:05:18.023 Disgusting. I looked over to my right. 00:05:18.950 --> 00:05:21.613 There was an animal that was even more rare. 00:05:23.080 --> 00:05:26.053 A bunch of those owls that everybody's talking about. 00:05:26.980 --> 00:05:30.950 Just their heads literally taped to the wall. 00:05:30.950 --> 00:05:34.480 He didn't even bother, you know, properly hanging them. 00:05:34.480 --> 00:05:35.380 He just taped them. 00:05:35.380 --> 00:05:37.120 It looked like scotch tape. 00:05:37.120 --> 00:05:40.793 On the floor, there was just straight up maple syrup. 00:05:40.793 --> 00:05:43.760 Just literally all over the place. 00:05:43.760 --> 00:05:45.270 I accidentally stepped in it. 00:05:45.270 --> 00:05:46.390 I got stuck to the ground. 00:05:46.390 --> 00:05:49.810 So how long had it been there? Who knows? 00:05:49.810 --> 00:05:52.040 - Maple syrup is one of the few sweeteners 00:05:52.040 --> 00:05:54.000 that I can have given my allergies. 00:05:54.000 --> 00:05:56.700 - I'll never forget what I've seen here today. 00:05:56.700 --> 00:05:57.950 Back to you in the studio. 00:05:57.950 --> 00:05:58.980 - Thank you, Sam. 00:05:58.980 --> 00:06:01.760 We go now to an exclusive interview with the man himself, 00:06:01.760 --> 00:06:04.093 Sam Reich. Sam, good evening. 00:06:05.481 --> 00:06:07.950 - Good evening, you dick. 00:06:07.950 --> 00:06:10.340 - What a terrible energy to begin an interview with. 00:06:10.340 --> 00:06:12.280 - Yeah, that's my vibe, now. 00:06:12.280 --> 00:06:16.700 I'm sick of pretending to be a friendly, affable, nice guy. 00:06:16.700 --> 00:06:19.740 I'm very mean, and it's time you all knew it. 00:06:19.740 --> 00:06:20.930 Now I'm going to say some things 00:06:20.930 --> 00:06:24.300 that I've wanted to say for a long time. 00:06:24.300 --> 00:06:28.070 Oh boy, these are my real thoughts. 00:06:28.070 --> 00:06:30.700 If someone clips them from this video 00:06:30.700 --> 00:06:34.370 and I try to say later that it was out of context, 00:06:34.370 --> 00:06:35.530 I'm lying. 00:06:35.530 --> 00:06:37.820 I'm not using the prompter right now. 00:06:37.820 --> 00:06:41.000 This is totally off the dome. 00:06:41.000 --> 00:06:43.560 Grant, you son of a bitch. 00:06:43.560 --> 00:06:47.230 First of all, teachers and nurses should be paid less. 00:06:47.230 --> 00:06:48.680 (gasping) 00:06:48.680 --> 00:06:49.570 What's a nurse? 00:06:49.570 --> 00:06:51.820 Stock a vending machine with Advil, 00:06:51.820 --> 00:06:53.290 and it can do the same job, 00:06:53.290 --> 00:06:55.230 and if teachers want to make more money, 00:06:55.230 --> 00:06:57.493 they should be smart enough to be principals. 00:07:01.430 --> 00:07:05.740 Second of all, I think that ladies' bras should have 00:07:05.740 --> 00:07:08.850 a second underwire that's just there to poke them. 00:07:08.850 --> 00:07:10.760 Bras should hurt. 00:07:10.760 --> 00:07:12.190 That's my opinion. 00:07:12.190 --> 00:07:13.093 Oh my God. 00:07:14.070 --> 00:07:17.360 My three favorite actors are Kevin Spacey, 00:07:17.360 --> 00:07:19.820 Woody Allen, and Woody Spacey, 00:07:19.820 --> 00:07:24.820 a deep fake hybrid of the two that I made on my Dell. 00:07:25.450 --> 00:07:28.833 Oh yeah, I love Dells. 00:07:30.990 --> 00:07:32.083 Please no. 00:07:33.010 --> 00:07:35.010 Dungeons and Dragons is bad, 00:07:35.010 --> 00:07:37.000 and so are game shows, 00:07:37.000 --> 00:07:40.410 I miss the Hollywood blacklist. 00:07:40.410 --> 00:07:43.300 Just in case it ever comes back, 00:07:43.300 --> 00:07:45.417 here are five friends of mine 00:07:45.417 --> 00:07:50.250 that I know are card-carrying communists: 00:07:50.250 --> 00:07:55.250 Grant O'Brien, Mike Schaubach, the director of this episode, 00:07:55.490 --> 00:07:58.370 David Kerns, a producer on this episode, 00:07:58.370 --> 00:08:01.820 Chloe Banner, production designer on this episode, 00:08:01.820 --> 00:08:06.410 and Justin Cyrul, who is also on the crew of this episode. 00:08:06.410 --> 00:08:07.473 Coal is good. 00:08:08.960 --> 00:08:11.150 The only thing that would make coal better 00:08:11.150 --> 00:08:14.467 would be if it was- (laughing) 00:08:16.787 --> 00:08:18.700 If it was dirtier, 00:08:18.700 --> 00:08:22.420 and if Woody Spacey owned a coal mine. 00:08:22.420 --> 00:08:24.810 When I go to restaurants with friends, 00:08:24.810 --> 00:08:27.697 I do that thing where I wait for them to say, 00:08:27.697 --> 00:08:29.130 "This one's on me," 00:08:29.130 --> 00:08:30.730 and then I say, "No, no. 00:08:30.730 --> 00:08:32.632 Please let me pay for half," 00:08:32.632 --> 00:08:36.680 knowing full well that they will refuse. 00:08:36.680 --> 00:08:38.590 Plays suck. 00:08:38.590 --> 00:08:40.500 Theater sucks. 00:08:40.500 --> 00:08:41.953 How dare you? 00:08:42.810 --> 00:08:45.880 Samuel Beckett sucks. 00:08:45.880 --> 00:08:47.390 I'm sorry, Sam. 00:08:47.390 --> 00:08:49.700 If I ever tried to go to a play again, 00:08:49.700 --> 00:08:51.630 the usher should refuse to seat me 00:08:51.630 --> 00:08:53.700 because I'll steal something from the set 00:08:53.700 --> 00:08:55.203 if I get a chance, 00:08:56.790 --> 00:09:01.020 Speaking of plays, Abraham Lincoln deserved it. 00:09:01.020 --> 00:09:04.700 Here are three more controversial opinions of mine. 00:09:04.700 --> 00:09:08.340 Director, please don't let this episode move on 00:09:08.340 --> 00:09:13.340 unless these opinions are truly, truly awful. 00:09:15.508 --> 00:09:20.508 Oh boy, rice is more flavorful than it gets credit for. 00:09:20.620 --> 00:09:23.490 That's something I actually believe. 00:09:23.490 --> 00:09:27.750 Survivor is a brilliant show, straight up genius. 00:09:27.750 --> 00:09:30.620 Jeff Probst really knows what he's doing. 00:09:30.620 --> 00:09:33.870 Mixing patterns in terms of clothing is loud, 00:09:33.870 --> 00:09:34.870 and I don't like it. 00:09:36.050 --> 00:09:38.200 Finally, sushi should have grapes. 00:09:38.200 --> 00:09:40.490 That is not my actual opinion, 00:09:40.490 --> 00:09:42.800 to be clear where the teleprompter picked up. 00:09:42.800 --> 00:09:46.390 Back to you in the studio, you dicks. 00:09:46.390 --> 00:09:47.640 - That was horrible. 00:09:47.640 --> 00:09:48.720 - That's it for us, 00:09:48.720 --> 00:09:49.553 but before we go, 00:09:49.553 --> 00:09:52.240 we'll announce that tonight's loser is Sam Reich. 00:09:52.240 --> 00:09:55.280 As punishment, they have to watch me eat this 00:09:55.280 --> 00:09:57.605 sushi- (laughing) 00:09:57.605 --> 00:09:59.223 made with grapes. 00:09:59.223 --> 00:10:00.056 - No. 00:10:05.120 --> 00:10:09.583 - Well, I guess we're going off keto. 00:10:09.583 --> 00:10:11.240 (laughing) 00:10:11.240 --> 00:10:14.010 - The good news here is that rice is more flavorful 00:10:14.010 --> 00:10:15.210 than it gets credit for. 00:10:15.210 --> 00:10:16.409 - Okay, here we go. 00:10:16.409 --> 00:10:20.190 - Can I get a look at this? - I bet it'll be good. 00:10:20.190 --> 00:10:21.250 Oh, I could hear it. 00:10:21.250 --> 00:10:22.473 That was an audible pop. 00:10:23.710 --> 00:10:24.690 - You want some? 00:10:24.690 --> 00:10:26.530 - No, that'd be crazy. 00:10:26.530 --> 00:10:27.500 - Is it good? 00:10:28.500 --> 00:10:31.040 - Weirdly, yeah, it's quite good. 00:10:31.040 --> 00:10:32.580 - Really? Okay. - Ooh!