WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.200 --> 00:00:02.520 - [Narrator] From West Hollywood, California, 00:00:02.520 --> 00:00:04.330 the only news team that doesn't know 00:00:04.330 --> 00:00:07.040 what's on the teleprompter before they read it. 00:00:07.040 --> 00:00:10.080 Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. 00:00:10.080 --> 00:00:12.250 This is "Breaking News". 00:00:12.250 --> 00:00:15.170 (upbeat music) 00:00:15.170 --> 00:00:18.210 - Good evening and welcome to "Breaking News", 00:00:18.210 --> 00:00:20.820 the show where we don't know what we're about to say, 00:00:20.820 --> 00:00:22.900 and we're not allowed to smile or laugh. 00:00:22.900 --> 00:00:26.240 I'm Jackin' the Box. - And I'm Mrs. New Booty. 00:00:26.240 --> 00:00:28.340 - Congrats on the wedding, by the way. 00:00:28.340 --> 00:00:32.090 - I told you, it was small, so we couldn't invite everyone. 00:00:32.090 --> 00:00:32.960 - Yeah, sure. 00:00:32.960 --> 00:00:36.510 Anyway, news tonight about formal viral sensation 00:00:36.510 --> 00:00:38.960 the "I like turtles" zombie boy. 00:00:38.960 --> 00:00:42.660 He's all grown up and you won't believe 00:00:42.660 --> 00:00:46.450 how he feels about turtles. - That's right, Jack. 00:00:46.450 --> 00:00:49.520 When questioned about the almost 15 year old video, 00:00:49.520 --> 00:00:51.377 zombie boy was quoted saying, 00:00:51.377 --> 00:00:53.440 "I think turtles are just okay, 00:00:53.440 --> 00:00:56.360 and please stop calling me zombie boy." 00:00:56.360 --> 00:00:59.720 - And checking in on Charlie from "Charlie Bit my Finger", 00:00:59.720 --> 00:01:02.940 he's still a baby! - I miss the days of YouTube 00:01:02.940 --> 00:01:06.480 when things were silly instead of radicalizing. 00:01:06.480 --> 00:01:10.270 I ought to make a classic 2010 style viral video. 00:01:10.270 --> 00:01:12.920 - Oh yeah? What would you do? 00:01:12.920 --> 00:01:17.920 - I would put a Slip 'N Slide down my parents' stairs 00:01:17.920 --> 00:01:21.930 and when they wake up and go, watch them go. 00:01:21.930 --> 00:01:24.030 That's a two flight set os stairs. 00:01:24.030 --> 00:01:26.560 It goes down, and then they pick themselves up, 00:01:26.560 --> 00:01:28.540 it goes around, doo doo doo doo doo. 00:01:28.540 --> 00:01:31.520 People were mean on the internet back in the day 00:01:31.520 --> 00:01:34.670 and they would absolutely laugh at your old mama 00:01:35.700 --> 00:01:37.383 falling down the stairs. 00:01:37.383 --> 00:01:41.290 - Sounds like an epic fail. I apologize. 00:01:41.290 --> 00:01:44.060 All this talk about turtles really got me going. 00:01:44.060 --> 00:01:46.980 When I was a kid, I was very horny... 00:01:48.050 --> 00:01:50.540 I was very horny, I'm getting worked up, 00:01:50.540 --> 00:01:53.110 for Raphael from Teenage Mutant... 00:01:53.110 --> 00:01:56.660 Teenange Muntant Ninja Turtles. 00:01:56.660 --> 00:01:58.680 He took a bath in one of those movies 00:01:58.680 --> 00:02:00.540 and that was it for me. 00:02:00.540 --> 00:02:05.540 - Mm, what other fictional characters get you aroused? 00:02:07.043 --> 00:02:10.720 - Oh, a ton, baby. 00:02:10.720 --> 00:02:14.230 Let's go down the list of my 10 favorites. 00:02:14.230 --> 00:02:17.890 10, Kachow, the guy from "Cars". 00:02:17.890 --> 00:02:20.680 Forgot his name 'cause I'm so horny for him. 00:02:20.680 --> 00:02:25.050 Nine, "Herbie Fully Loaded", the entire movie. 00:02:25.050 --> 00:02:26.030 - Are these all gonna be cars? 00:02:26.030 --> 00:02:30.350 - Yes. Eight, Thomas the Train Engine. 00:02:30.350 --> 00:02:33.610 Kind of a derivative, but still a car, technically. 00:02:33.610 --> 00:02:34.930 - Tank engine. 00:02:34.930 --> 00:02:39.327 - WALL-E, horny for that robot, that space baby robot. 00:02:39.327 --> 00:02:40.290 - Oh no! 00:02:40.290 --> 00:02:44.080 - Stuart Little of course. Who could forget that baby mouse? 00:02:44.080 --> 00:02:46.760 - Oh my god! - Not a baby. 00:02:46.760 --> 00:02:49.377 - Well, he's baby to me. He's my baby. 00:02:49.377 --> 00:02:51.492 "Stuart Little 2", the one- 00:02:51.492 --> 00:02:52.440 - Same character, same character. 00:02:52.440 --> 00:02:54.730 - The same character, but from the second movie. 00:02:54.730 --> 00:02:57.860 I see them as two different sexual entities. 00:02:57.860 --> 00:03:00.790 Pokemon, Ho-Oh, the legendary pokemon. 00:03:00.790 --> 00:03:02.840 Horny when I saw that character. 00:03:02.840 --> 00:03:05.276 It's a flaming bird, guys. Crazy. 00:03:05.276 --> 00:03:08.322 - Moltres. - Moltres, yeah. 00:03:08.322 --> 00:03:09.435 (Amy laughing) 00:03:09.435 --> 00:03:11.420 (Alfred's lips smacking) 00:03:11.420 --> 00:03:14.967 Sandra Bullock in "The Blind Side" specifically. 00:03:14.967 --> 00:03:17.717 Specifically Sandra Bullock in "The Blind Side". 00:03:19.920 --> 00:03:22.380 Michael Jordan from "The Last Dance". 00:03:22.380 --> 00:03:26.440 That was fictional to me, and very sexual. 00:03:26.440 --> 00:03:30.283 And then last one, you know, save the best for last, 00:03:31.770 --> 00:03:34.187 the water in "Pocahontas". 00:03:36.180 --> 00:03:37.767 - Interesting. 00:03:37.767 --> 00:03:42.210 My list is completely different. 00:03:42.210 --> 00:03:46.510 10 fictional characters that I am horny for. 00:03:46.510 --> 00:03:49.537 The fox in "Robin Hood". 00:03:49.537 --> 00:03:54.330 The fox Maid Marian, also a fox in "Robin Hood". 00:03:54.330 --> 00:03:58.790 The big lion king in "Robin Hood", not "Lion King". 00:03:58.790 --> 00:04:00.610 The king with the... 00:04:00.610 --> 00:04:05.590 The snake that sucks all the rings off the fingers, 00:04:05.590 --> 00:04:06.880 also in "Robin Hood". 00:04:06.880 --> 00:04:10.383 Damn, that was a horny movie. 00:04:11.740 --> 00:04:14.320 The daddy rat in "Ratatouille". 00:04:14.320 --> 00:04:16.120 Oh, look at those little fingers go. 00:04:17.450 --> 00:04:22.450 Brock from "Pokemon". That guy wants to fuck. 00:04:23.698 --> 00:04:26.410 Mm, also Moltres. - So sexy. 00:04:26.410 --> 00:04:29.110 That bird is on fire, and baby, 00:04:29.110 --> 00:04:32.350 so is my vagina. 00:04:32.350 --> 00:04:36.990 Sandra Bullock's character from "Miss Congeniality". 00:04:37.890 --> 00:04:39.310 Oh, that's a good character. 00:04:39.310 --> 00:04:44.130 Also, Benjamin Bratt's character from "Miss Congeniality", 00:04:44.130 --> 00:04:47.043 and then number 10, 00:04:49.870 --> 00:04:53.260 Ash from "Pokemon" but if he wasn't a child, 00:04:53.260 --> 00:04:55.300 if he was an adult. 00:04:55.300 --> 00:04:58.260 - Speaking of horny, it's that time of year again, 00:04:58.260 --> 00:05:01.260 whatever season it is at the time we're filming this 00:05:01.260 --> 00:05:02.840 is in full swing. 00:05:02.840 --> 00:05:04.280 - That's right, and it wouldn't be 00:05:04.280 --> 00:05:06.890 whatever season it is without hearing 00:05:06.890 --> 00:05:10.023 from our resident clown, Giggles McFun. 00:05:10.023 --> 00:05:13.190 (Amy laughing) 00:05:13.190 --> 00:05:14.950 - Hey. Hey guys. 00:05:14.950 --> 00:05:18.160 I have a very special segment planned for you. 00:05:18.160 --> 00:05:22.548 - Oh no. - Oh no. (laughs) 00:05:22.548 --> 00:05:27.548 Oh no. (laughs) 00:05:27.550 --> 00:05:30.550 - Stay steady enough to get the lipstick on. 00:05:30.550 --> 00:05:34.083 - Today I'm gonna teach you how to juggle. 00:05:35.530 --> 00:05:37.110 Okay, you toss one. Wait. 00:05:37.110 --> 00:05:40.950 You toss one and then the other. (laughs) 00:05:40.950 --> 00:05:43.934 Okay. - Unsuccessful already. 00:05:43.934 --> 00:05:45.830 (Amy laughing) 00:05:45.830 --> 00:05:47.800 - Okay, let's go. 00:05:47.800 --> 00:05:49.400 Let's add another one 00:05:49.400 --> 00:05:51.623 now that we have that on lock. 00:05:52.475 --> 00:05:55.263 Okay, so you try to toss it to your other hand, 00:05:56.120 --> 00:05:57.540 right there. 00:05:57.540 --> 00:05:58.520 - That was pretty good. 00:05:58.520 --> 00:06:00.623 - Okay. - No, don't lie. 00:06:00.623 --> 00:06:03.113 - One more. (laughs) 00:06:05.359 --> 00:06:07.216 There's really not much to it! 00:06:07.216 --> 00:06:10.043 You throw one ball, then you thrown another. 00:06:11.100 --> 00:06:13.793 Then you throw another. Don't drop them! 00:06:15.170 --> 00:06:16.830 What's wrong, Mrs. New Booty? 00:06:16.830 --> 00:06:18.890 - Nothing. 00:06:18.890 --> 00:06:21.040 I mean, I guess that was pretty cool, 00:06:21.040 --> 00:06:22.230 but I was actually hoping 00:06:22.230 --> 00:06:26.470 you'd teach us how to make balloon animals. 00:06:26.470 --> 00:06:30.010 - I thought you may say that, so we've got it. 00:06:30.010 --> 00:06:32.657 All right, so you stretch out the balloon. 00:06:33.840 --> 00:06:36.290 It's also nice if you are a clown 00:06:36.290 --> 00:06:39.473 to have a shtick while you're doing this. 00:06:40.560 --> 00:06:44.191 I haven't thought of one yet. It's just nice to have. 00:06:44.191 --> 00:06:45.024 Okay. 00:06:48.360 --> 00:06:51.247 - All right, this might be as far as we get. 00:06:51.247 --> 00:06:52.710 - No, no no no no. 00:06:52.710 --> 00:06:55.413 They've provided me with a classy pump. 00:06:56.771 --> 00:06:59.938 Oops! (laughs) Oh no. 00:07:02.558 --> 00:07:03.701 So you... 00:07:03.701 --> 00:07:05.760 (crew laughing) 00:07:05.760 --> 00:07:07.477 (anchors speaking over each other) 00:07:07.477 --> 00:07:09.084 No no no, this is gonna work. 00:07:09.084 --> 00:07:11.075 (pump pumping) 00:07:11.075 --> 00:07:12.487 - Oh! - There you go. 00:07:12.487 --> 00:07:13.795 - You got to go real fast! - There you go. 00:07:13.795 --> 00:07:17.420 - You got to go a lot faster than you think, 'cause you... 00:07:17.420 --> 00:07:19.281 (Amy laughing) 00:07:19.281 --> 00:07:21.380 - Oh, it's maxed out. - It's maxed out. 00:07:21.380 --> 00:07:22.930 - I guess that's how they work. 00:07:23.788 --> 00:07:25.577 Okay, faster, faster! 00:07:25.577 --> 00:07:28.077 Yeah, and you've got to leave some air in the end. 00:07:29.040 --> 00:07:32.683 Okay, okay, so then you tie it up. 00:07:33.686 --> 00:07:35.400 Who wants an animal? 00:07:35.400 --> 00:07:38.189 - Whoa, oh my god, that was incredible. 00:07:38.189 --> 00:07:41.950 Can you make a pig, please? - Yes, so you start- 00:07:41.950 --> 00:07:46.930 - No, I want her to make the concept of ennui. 00:07:46.930 --> 00:07:50.040 - Ooh, I'll make a pig that's full of ennui. 00:07:50.040 --> 00:07:55.040 Okay, so you twist, you twist. (laughs) 00:07:55.177 --> 00:07:56.883 And it'll stay. 00:07:58.247 --> 00:08:02.090 Okay, so you just make it stay like that, 00:08:02.090 --> 00:08:04.363 and then, okay, so this is the pig, 00:08:05.772 --> 00:08:09.910 and then you have his body, and then you have- 00:08:09.910 --> 00:08:11.953 - Very dick and balls. - Yeah. 00:08:12.900 --> 00:08:15.290 - And then you have another leg, 00:08:15.290 --> 00:08:16.480 and you have to twist them together 00:08:16.480 --> 00:08:20.410 so it doesn't fall apart, so now you've got... (laughs) 00:08:20.410 --> 00:08:22.433 Yeah, you've got a little Porky Pig, 00:08:23.540 --> 00:08:25.960 and then he's sad 'cause he's got ennui. 00:08:25.960 --> 00:08:29.260 - Oh wow! - I think I know two moves. 00:08:29.260 --> 00:08:30.963 So then you just make his tears, 00:08:31.826 --> 00:08:34.173 and that's it, and there. 00:08:35.400 --> 00:08:38.528 - Thanks, Giggles. I love that crazy son of a bitch. 00:08:38.528 --> 00:08:43.010 - Me too. Wait, I'm receiving breaking news. 00:08:43.010 --> 00:08:45.210 A robbery on Santa Monica Pier. 00:08:45.210 --> 00:08:48.090 Our correspondent is live on the scene. 00:08:48.090 --> 00:08:50.910 - Chip Mint Chocolate Chip here at the pier 00:08:50.910 --> 00:08:53.030 where the robberies occurred just moments ago. 00:08:53.030 --> 00:08:55.570 - Chip, could you tell us what the suspect looked like? 00:08:55.570 --> 00:08:57.610 - Oh, I can do more than tell you. 00:08:57.610 --> 00:09:00.683 I can show you. I can do a caricature. 00:09:04.025 --> 00:09:05.618 All right, so... 00:09:05.618 --> 00:09:08.618 (marker scratching) 00:09:10.990 --> 00:09:12.423 - It's a fish. 00:09:13.400 --> 00:09:14.662 - What the... - Oh. 00:09:14.662 --> 00:09:17.100 - This is eyes. - Oh. 00:09:17.100 --> 00:09:20.513 Damn, that was nicer than I expected. 00:09:21.630 --> 00:09:24.480 - Pretty impressive. - Oh my god. 00:09:24.480 --> 00:09:26.860 Oh, he's happy. - He looks very happy, yeah. 00:09:26.860 --> 00:09:28.933 - He was a very happy man. - Oh. 00:09:30.509 --> 00:09:32.660 (marker scratching) 00:09:32.660 --> 00:09:35.000 - It's like- - Caricatures do have 00:09:35.000 --> 00:09:37.420 the big-ass heads and little-ass bodies. 00:09:37.420 --> 00:09:38.253 - Oh yeah. 00:09:38.253 --> 00:09:39.310 - I also feel like caricatures 00:09:39.310 --> 00:09:40.550 are usually a little more mean. 00:09:40.550 --> 00:09:42.630 Not this one, though. 00:09:42.630 --> 00:09:44.790 I don't have that ability as an artist. 00:09:44.790 --> 00:09:46.743 - No discerning features at all. 00:09:47.930 --> 00:09:51.600 - If you see this person, alert the authorities immediately. 00:09:51.600 --> 00:09:53.520 Mrs. New Booty, is everything okay? 00:09:53.520 --> 00:09:55.570 - Yeah, no, I guess. 00:09:55.570 --> 00:10:00.480 I was just hoping I would get a caricature, too. 00:10:00.480 --> 00:10:01.994 - Wow, you are really needy today. 00:10:01.994 --> 00:10:03.680 - Hey, back off. 00:10:03.680 --> 00:10:07.210 - How about this? I'll draw you both, together. 00:10:07.210 --> 00:10:11.140 - Great, make mine on the body of a beautiful lady, please. 00:10:11.140 --> 00:10:13.630 - And make mine full of ennui. 00:10:13.630 --> 00:10:14.823 - All right. 00:10:15.976 --> 00:10:19.430 - Remember the tears. - Big... 00:10:19.430 --> 00:10:22.070 - To show ennui. - Beautiful woman. 00:10:22.070 --> 00:10:24.330 - This is the body or the head? 00:10:24.330 --> 00:10:25.885 - This is the body. 00:10:25.885 --> 00:10:29.080 - Got hands as big as those titties. 00:10:29.080 --> 00:10:31.660 - Mm-hm. - Beautiful hair. 00:10:31.660 --> 00:10:32.820 - [Alfred] Okay, a little generous with the hair there. 00:10:32.820 --> 00:10:36.233 - It's a little more square. - All right, I'll take it. 00:10:36.233 --> 00:10:37.890 - Okay, I see it, okay, I see it. 00:10:37.890 --> 00:10:38.723 - Now. 00:10:39.630 --> 00:10:42.920 - Okay, I have the same hair as Alfred. 00:10:42.920 --> 00:10:45.260 - Got a little bun, a little bun. 00:10:45.260 --> 00:10:46.910 - It looks like a Davy Crockett hat. 00:10:46.910 --> 00:10:47.810 - Yeah. 00:10:47.810 --> 00:10:49.738 - Your eyes are full of sadness. 00:10:49.738 --> 00:10:50.610 (Amy snorts) 00:10:50.610 --> 00:10:52.910 - Made my eyes really small, kind of racist. 00:10:52.910 --> 00:10:55.430 - They're sadness! (Amy laughing) 00:10:55.430 --> 00:10:57.670 - The classic smirk and cry right there. 00:10:57.670 --> 00:11:00.102 - The hourglass curve of your body. 00:11:00.102 --> 00:11:03.120 - Wow. - Wow. 00:11:03.120 --> 00:11:06.463 - Bingo bango, jingo jango. - Your catchphrase! 00:11:07.500 --> 00:11:10.160 - That's it for us on "Breaking News", but before we go, 00:11:10.160 --> 00:11:13.400 we'll tell you that tonight's loser is Amy Vorpahl. 00:11:13.400 --> 00:11:17.430 - As punishment, Amy Vorpahn, conveniently already there, 00:11:17.430 --> 00:11:20.170 will have to make a balloon animal 00:11:20.170 --> 00:11:23.608 of a fictional character that makes them horny. 00:11:23.608 --> 00:11:26.770 - Okay, that is gonna be 00:11:28.134 --> 00:11:32.080 Tepig the pig pokemon 00:11:32.080 --> 00:11:35.343 full of ennui, there. (laughs)