WEBVTT

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- [Sam] From west Hollywood, California.

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The only news team that doesn't know

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what's on the teleprompter
before they read it.

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Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points.

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This is Breaking News.

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(intro chime)

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- Hello everyone and
welcome to Breaking News.

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The show where we don't know
what we're about to say,

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and we're not allowed to smile or laugh.

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I'm Rebecca Hat.

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(Ally laughing)

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- And I'm Jean-Luc Picard.

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The local science museum
is under fire for a

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controversial exhibit showing children

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why tall people are
better than short people.

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- The exhibition titled
"The Weather Up Here"

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features dioramas and
interactive displays,

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demonstrating the many ways
in which the tall among us

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are superior both physically and morally.

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- One such display is called tough luck

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and is compromised of
thousands of dollars in cash

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placed on high shelves in
a room with no foot stools.

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- Another feature is photographs
of short people from the

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vantage point of tall people.

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So they can see just how puny
and insignificant they are.

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Rest assured tall people
know, who's going bald.

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- The exhibits director said, quote,

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"look, we all know it's true.

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You're just mad that we're
finally saying it out loud."

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- He went on to say that any
(laughing) son of a bitch.

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Anyone under six feet qualifies as short.

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Oh, so mad.

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And that dudes who are 5'10"

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should stop trying to join "the club"

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because, everyone can
tell that they're little.

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- The exhibit is meant to
be a celebration of the fact

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that regardless of race,
creed, or country of origin,

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short people are the worst.

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- Science says short people live longer,

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but why would they even want
to, in those bodies (laughs).

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(Sam snorts)

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Fuck!

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To paraphrase Clement Freud,

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maybe they don't actually live longer,

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maybe it just seems longer.

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- My personal opinion is
that, this is correct.

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My five favorite things
about tall people are,

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that they spill yogurt
everywhere all the time.

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Kind of like regardless of whether

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there's like an easy place to set it down.

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- I've noticed that too,
a lot of yogurt spilling.

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- Yeah, that they're kind of hyper sexual,

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but also geriatric at the exact same time.

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- It's funny how those
two things go together.

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- Our desks used to be next to each other.

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I would look in and there
would just be kind of like,

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a bag of jelly beans
that tall people swear

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their moms sent them.

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- Jelly beans, or Good & Plenty.

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- Or Good & Plenty, or
some sort of licorice.

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Loose oats would also be in there.

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They actually look really
good in shorts and tall socks.

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And that they're, um, sweet when they're

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(Ally laughing)

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When they're mad at you.

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- Protests are planned all week,

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museum organizers expect
them to be ineffective,

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but adorable.

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(Sam laughing)

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If things really get out of hand,

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the event planners will go
put one hand on the protest,

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(Sam laughing)

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They're gonna put one hand
on the protesters heads,

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while they punch the air like leprechauns.

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- [Ally as Jean-Luc] We
go now to Steven Slime,

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for an update on the bachelor
party he's at this weekend.

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- Thanks Jean-Luc, I've been
at Mark's bachelor party now

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for about a day, we're in Vegas

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because creativity is
something we value in children,

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but not adults.

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Last night, we played Craps,

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a game that's more complicated
than Settlers of Catan

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and is also very expensive.

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The rules are as follows.

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So, you get one lucky lady, you
get them to blow on the dice

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and they go-
(Lily laughing)

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and then that instills them with magic.

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And then you throw, you
try to hit the back wall.

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If you don't hit the back wall,

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you will get kicked out by the pit boss.

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And then you, I think
there's a wheel of some kind

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that gets spun, and then-

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- Are you're talking about Roulette?

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- Oh, and also a big part of
craps is enemies and allies.

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And so you got to size everyone
up as an enemy or an ally.

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- Oh.

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- And if they're an enemy,

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you really want to give them
dirty looks whenever they win.

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- And how many of those
people are mafia in any game?

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- [Tao] I would say between 10 to 20%.

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- Very interesting Steven,

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it sounds like you're
burning a lot of money.

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- I sure am, and it's especially bad

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because I'm spending it on Mark.

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I'll emphasize he's a
tertiary friend at best,

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but it was too awkward to say no.

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- Thank you, Stephen, stay safe.

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We turn now to Loni Sewermouth,
for a look at the economy.

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- Thanks Rebecca, the
cryptocurrency market

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took a tumble today, probably
because the whole idea

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of crypto is completely fucking insane.

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Everyone who owns crypto is an asshole who

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should pause this video right now,

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and spend 10 minutes Googling
the Dutch Tulip Bubble.

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(Tao laughing)

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They won't, obviously,
because they're assholes,

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but they should.

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Some of you, have probably
made money in crypto.

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That's great, congratulations.

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A lot of people made money
in Beanie Babies too,

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but you should sell right now,

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because the whole house of cards
is gonna come tumbling down

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and I'm gonna laugh
and laugh when it does.

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I'll tell you how sure
we are that crypto sucks.

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The writer of this video is Grant O'Brien,

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what you might've picked up on

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from how correct he was about the shorts.

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That's how sure he is,
that crypto is the joke.

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In 10 years, if any crypto is
worth more than it is today,

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March 16th, 2021.

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Get in touch with Grant, and
he'll send you the equivalent

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of 100.000 US dollars, in
whatever currency you choose.

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(Sam and Ally laughing)

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No questions asked any
crypto, Bitcoin, Ethereum,

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rabbit bucks, whatever.

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This offer stands for whoever reaches out,

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and you can ask for money
as many times as you like,

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assuming Elon Musk gives
you a long enough break

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from sucking his dick to DM Grant O'Brien.

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And if you're thinking Grant
doesn't have any money,

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how do we know he can back this up?

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Check your digital wallet fucko,

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because it's full of coins
that are exactly as valuable

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as this promise.

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Now blockchain, that's
a fine idea I suppose.

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Though it seems like
something we're gonna refine

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and iterate on to the point
that anything based on today's

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version of blockchain will be as useful

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as an Apple Two is now.

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As it stands, it's way too complicated.

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And to prove it, Grant is
going to make the actor

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playing this part explain
blockchain right now.

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- Oh, go ahead.

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- Mm-hm yeah.

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- Fascinate us.

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- Block chain is when I
have a little bit of money

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and then I give it to a friend and I go,

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"Hey pass it on, pass a
little bit of money on."

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And then they take a little
bit more of the money.

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If there's no more bills,

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they rip a little corner off
and they pass it on to a friend

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and you rip it into
smaller and smaller pieces.

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That's kind of the chain.

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And then when someone
wants to chain to end,

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someone kind of runs in there and tackles

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one of your friends down.

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That's the block, that's
the kind of like a football,

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like a blocker.

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That's the block.

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- Just out of curiosity, how
many of those people are mafia?

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- Oh, like all of them.

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- Hm.
- Oh!

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- Anyway, crypto bros are
being bamboozled by modern day

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versions of P.T Barnum and
are plagued by an epidemic

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of short-term thinking and hubris.

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They have pudding for
brains, and unless they time

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the market exactly right.

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They're going to lose their shirts,

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get yourselves a low cost index fund.

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And don't look at it for 20 years.

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Maybe that wasn't funny enough farts,

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wet farts with poop, whatever.

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- Thanks Loni, that's all for us today,

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but before we go, today's
loser is Ally Beaardsley.

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(triumphant music)

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And of course, short people,
and people with Doge Coin.

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(Ally laughing)