WEBVTT

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- [Announcer] From West
Hollywood, California,

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the only news team that doesn't know

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what's on the teleprompter
before they read it.

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Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points.

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This is "Breaking News."
(dramatic instrumental music)

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- Hello, and welcome to "Breaking News,"

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The show where we don't
know what we're about to say

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and we're not allowed to smile or laugh.

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I'm Taylor Haskell.

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- And I'm the Man the Board
Game Operation Was Based On.

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(Raph laughing)
Thanks to modern medicine,

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(Amy laughing)

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I'm alive.
(buzzer beeps)

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Oops, that's a medical
device that let's me know

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the butterflies in my
stomach are acting up.

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Years ago I swallowed some butterflies.

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- Our top story tonight,
panic at the disco

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as Studio 54 fills with smoke.

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- Authorities say that
it was the work of teens

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who wanted to join the disco action

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and set off a smoke bomb to-

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(buzzer beeps)

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Oops, that's an untoward liver. (laughs)

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- Is that painful?
- Not at all.

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- Oh, thank goodness.
- It's just untoward.

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- The general manager of
Studio 54, Tom Cotton,

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says that the teens accessed the club

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by dressing up as vodka salesmen.

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Thick fur coats, big Russian
hats saying things like,

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"Bring me Moose and
Squirrel" vodka salesmen.

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- The smoke bomb was set of in-

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(buzzer beeps)

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Ah, that's my knee.

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It's bending wrong. (laughs)
- Oh, God, poor thing.

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Studio 54 was long known
for its wild party scene.

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That was definitely written by Grant.

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It reopened during COVID, and what's awful

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is that being open worked out just fine.

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The party kept going for
anyone that wanted to.

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Justice is a bedtime
story we tell to ourselves

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to make the success of our
enemies (laughs) seem temporary.

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If we want real change we should-

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(buzzer beeps)

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- Oh, sorry, that's my genitals.

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They're exploding. (laughs)

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(all chuckling)

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- Very good.
(Amy laughing)

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We now go to weather with
Meghan Thee Dishwasher.

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- (chuckles) Thanks, Taylor.

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Well, this is Los Angeles

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where the weather is always the same

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so instead of doing
that, I'm gonna do math

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without paper or a calculator.

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- Oh, that sounds great.

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I was a math major in college
so I'll check your work.

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- Terrific, I'll start with
something easy, fuck me.

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(Raph laughing)
431 minus 76 is...

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God, that's gonna be, it's gonna be-

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- Where did you go to school?

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- Look, I don't do math in my head.

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I never have to do this.

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It's gonna be something
like 375-ish or so.

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- Ooh.

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- Are we sure Dartmouth is not
gonna take that degree back?

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- I was not a math major,
thank you very much.

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- I'm checking your work and
I think that was impressive,

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so can you tell us what
431 divided by 76 is?

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- Oh, that'll be a long number.

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- How about just to the
nearest two decimal points?

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- No, sweat, it is 5.72135.

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- Ah, the nearest four
decimal points, thank you.

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And what's the nearest
perfect square to that number?

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- Four.
- Excuse me.

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Can I jump in here?

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What's the deal with a perfect square?

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- Oh, that's a number generated
by two identical numbers

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that are multiplied together.
- I see.

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Why don't we move off of our
squares and onto triangles?

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- Good idea.
- Good idea.

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- Nope, that's not my line, but good idea.

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- But it was a good idea, jinx.

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- Good idea.

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- Can you tell us how to find
a sine, cosine, and tangent?

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- Of course I can.
(Raph laughing)

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Of course I can, you idiots.

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Everyone knows that.

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Let me tell you a little
something about sohcahtoa.

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I rest my case.
(Raph laughing)

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- Oh wow, is that all you remember?

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- It's something like that.

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Look, a sine wave goes like
this, a cosine goes like this.

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They're just a little bit off each other.

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Tangent, a line off of a curve,

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and I think that tells
the rest of the story.

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- I was a geometry tutor for a long time.

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Sohcahtoa is absolutely correct.

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- Thank you.

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- Soh means opposite over hypotenuse,

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cah means adjacent over hypotenuse,

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and toa means opposite over adjacent

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and they're talking about when
adjacent or opposite it's-

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- That's basically what I said.

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- The right angle, yeah.

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You did great, correct.

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We're almost out of time,
which is unfortunate

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'cause I'd love to give you guys a lesson

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on freshman geometry, but quickly,

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what's your favorite number? (laughs)

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Mine's 69.
- Hm.

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- Mine's 420!
(Amy snickers)

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And of course, the square root of 420

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is gonna be something like, 25.

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(Raph laughing)
- That all checks out.

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Thanks, Meghan.
(buzzer beeps)

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- Oops, my crazy genitals again.

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They're farting.
(Trapp chortles)

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(Amy laughs)
- Quite.

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Well, now turn to Mr. Pepper for sports.

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- Thanks, Taylor, you
all know my damn deal.

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I talk about sports while I
eat straight black pepper.

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- Yeah, we know that's your deal.

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- Oh, my Jesus, that's why
this smell is so powerful?

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I swear to God I thought it was paint.

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(Trapp chortles)
- Oh my gosh.

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- I hope it's just loose
pepper in that box.

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(Raph laughs)
(Ally laughs)

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- Oh my God, look at how good

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this is gonna be for me. (laughs)

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Just with my hands?

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How the fuck would you even do this?

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(Ally laughs)
That is the smell.

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It smells like paint, I swear to god.

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- Oh, oh.

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- I do this all the time. (coughs)

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(Trapp chortles)

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Big Ten commissioner Kevin
Warren is on an apology tour

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for how bad the Big Ten
sucked at football this year.

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- You've lost control of your tongue.

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- I know, I wouldn't have expected pepper

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to make you sound like this.

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- A school founded by elitist
auto barons from Detroit

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was particularly terrible.

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(Trapp chortles)
Oh!

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Now, you could argue that
playing football at all

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was nothing more than a cash
grab orchestrated once again

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on the backs of unpaid
players who put their health

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on the line purely for the
sake of big money TV deals.

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- This voice! (laughs)
- But it's more fun

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to talk about how Michigan sucked, ah!

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(Amy laughing)
(orchestra hits resound)

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- (coughing) Jim
Harbaugh, Michigan's coach

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(Trapp chortles)
looks like if you put glasses

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on a potato and only
taught it how to frown.

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Ann Arbor's a second-rate
town, that's obvious.

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(gasps) Michigan's colors
are maize and blue.

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And maize isn't a color, which means

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even their colors can't
manage a record over 50%.

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- Oh my gosh!

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- The five worst players on
Michigan's football team are

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Jim Harbaugh. (coughs)

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Jim Harbaugh's son.

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Sammy Dustin.

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Keto Ketosis.
(Amy laughing)

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And Brian Willowcreek.
- Keto Ketosis?

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(Amy laughing)
- And Sam Bowie. (coughs)

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A wolverine sounds like it
should be a cool mascot,

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but wolverines are actually
glorified housecats.

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Michigan stinks, I hope they
like the taste of humble pie.

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Oh my God, as much as I like the taste

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of this hot-ass pepper.
(Ally chuckles)

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(orchestra hits resound)
Oh!

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Michigan sucks and the whole Big Ten

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had better get its act together (coughs)

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so that Ohio State has some film

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to show the playoff committee.

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Back to you, Taylor.

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- It looks like you
have ash in your mouth.

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- No, that's the pepper.
(Trapp laughing)

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- Thanks Mr. Pepper, and
good luck in medical school.

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- Whew!

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- That does it for us
here on "Breaking News,"

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but before we go we'll let you know

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that today's loser is me.

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- Oh.

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- And as always, Michigan.
(Amy sighs contentedly)