WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.190 --> 00:00:02.520 - [Announcer] From West Hollywood, California, 00:00:02.520 --> 00:00:04.330 the only news team that doesn't know 00:00:04.330 --> 00:00:07.030 what's on the teleprompter before they read it. 00:00:07.030 --> 00:00:10.180 Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. 00:00:10.180 --> 00:00:12.206 This is "Breaking News". 00:00:12.206 --> 00:00:14.650 (upbeat music) 00:00:14.650 --> 00:00:17.700 - Hello and welcome to "Breaking News", 00:00:17.700 --> 00:00:19.500 the only news show where we don't know 00:00:19.500 --> 00:00:21.540 what we're about to say, and we're not allowed 00:00:21.540 --> 00:00:24.000 to smile or laugh. 00:00:24.000 --> 00:00:25.940 I'm Flail Sporadically. 00:00:25.940 --> 00:00:29.400 - And I'm Neera My Tanden to Thee. 00:00:29.400 --> 00:00:32.590 - Tonight, who's the black private dick 00:00:32.590 --> 00:00:35.640 that's a sex machine to all the chicks? 00:00:35.640 --> 00:00:38.690 - Shaft! - You're damn right. 00:00:38.690 --> 00:00:41.220 - Plus, you won't believe what these child stars 00:00:41.220 --> 00:00:44.050 look like now, so we won't even bother showing you. 00:00:44.050 --> 00:00:46.860 - Later, it's Bizkit week here in the tent, 00:00:46.860 --> 00:00:50.080 and it's all about the he says, she says bullshit. 00:00:50.080 --> 00:00:52.220 Who will be star baker and who will be leaving 00:00:52.220 --> 00:00:53.340 with a fat lip? 00:00:53.340 --> 00:00:55.240 - But first, watch out, libs. 00:00:55.240 --> 00:00:56.970 You're about to get owned by the release 00:00:56.970 --> 00:01:01.970 of a new neo-con toy, Mr. GOP-ato Head. 00:01:02.290 --> 00:01:04.150 Oh, GOP-ato head. 00:01:04.150 --> 00:01:06.290 He's got a big veiny cock you can't remove, 00:01:06.290 --> 00:01:07.430 eight kinds of angry eyes, 00:01:07.430 --> 00:01:09.980 and he's scared, scared, scared of everything. 00:01:09.980 --> 00:01:10.813 He hates it! 00:01:10.813 --> 00:01:12.410 - I'm going to get one of those for my son 00:01:12.410 --> 00:01:15.800 so he can learn that real men store their arms in their ass. 00:01:15.800 --> 00:01:18.310 - This potato head knows one sex position 00:01:18.310 --> 00:01:19.580 and he's bad at it. 00:01:19.580 --> 00:01:22.690 - Uh-oh, that sound you're hearing is millions of people 00:01:22.690 --> 00:01:25.600 not giving a shit about this, so we're moving on. 00:01:25.600 --> 00:01:27.560 For the latest entertainment news, we go now 00:01:27.560 --> 00:01:31.070 to Jeneniffer Feffer Jen Janenna Fennaforp. 00:01:31.070 --> 00:01:34.400 - Thanks, Flail. Hollywood is aging. 00:01:34.400 --> 00:01:37.150 Ryan Gosling is now Ryan Goose. 00:01:37.150 --> 00:01:39.650 Channing Tatum is now the Tatum who Chan 00:01:39.650 --> 00:01:41.460 and thousands of others are dead. 00:01:41.460 --> 00:01:44.740 The hunt goes on for Timothy Chalamet, who blew away 00:01:44.740 --> 00:01:46.343 in last night's wind storm, 00:01:47.330 --> 00:01:50.450 and who's gonna be the next James Bond? 00:01:50.450 --> 00:01:53.120 We'll meet the woman who keeps saying Idris Elba 00:01:53.120 --> 00:01:55.763 like we haven't heard that proposed 1.000 times. 00:01:57.410 --> 00:01:58.550 Is she progressive or is that 00:01:58.550 --> 00:02:00.670 the only black British actor that she can name? 00:02:00.670 --> 00:02:03.653 And wuh-oh, uh-oh, we're going to get another Streep alert! 00:02:05.200 --> 00:02:06.770 Prepare thyself. 00:02:06.770 --> 00:02:09.050 Meryl Streep has been cast in the adaptation 00:02:09.050 --> 00:02:11.780 of "Strega Nona" playing the part of, 00:02:11.780 --> 00:02:13.666 you guessed it, Big Anthony. 00:02:13.666 --> 00:02:15.700 Asked how she's preparing for her role, 00:02:15.700 --> 00:02:18.770 Streep said, who dares question Streep? 00:02:18.770 --> 00:02:22.080 Unhinged her jow, and swallowed the reporter whole. 00:02:22.080 --> 00:02:23.850 All glory to Streep. 00:02:23.850 --> 00:02:28.470 Until next time, I'm Jeneniffer Feffer Jen Janenna Fennaforp 00:02:28.470 --> 00:02:32.430 telling you to keep your eyes peeled for airborne Chalamets. 00:02:32.430 --> 00:02:33.263 Back to you. 00:02:33.263 --> 00:02:36.370 - Thanks, Jeneniffer Feffer Nen Janenna Fennaforp. 00:02:36.370 --> 00:02:38.000 - I'm gonna have to interrupt you. 00:02:38.000 --> 00:02:39.820 - And I'm gonna have to interrupt you. 00:02:39.820 --> 00:02:43.450 Breaking news, somebody stole my big fat ass. 00:02:43.450 --> 00:02:46.340 For more on this horrific crime, we go now 00:02:46.340 --> 00:02:49.000 to our reporter in the field. Croooooob. 00:02:51.370 --> 00:02:52.730 - Thanks, Nera. 00:02:52.730 --> 00:02:55.730 I'm here, where for centuries, my big fat ass 00:02:55.730 --> 00:02:59.870 majestically hung out for the whole damn world to see, 00:02:59.870 --> 00:03:01.060 but no more. 00:03:01.060 --> 00:03:03.720 Where once you could hear my cheeks clapping in the wind, 00:03:03.720 --> 00:03:05.130 there's only silence. 00:03:05.130 --> 00:03:09.870 My big ol' buns are gone, and America weeps. 00:03:09.870 --> 00:03:11.530 - Do the police have any leads? 00:03:11.530 --> 00:03:14.043 Who would want your dump truck booty? 00:03:15.010 --> 00:03:15.900 - Who wouldn't? 00:03:15.900 --> 00:03:20.050 Everybody loves my big fat ass, the ass that smiles back, 00:03:20.050 --> 00:03:22.290 so there's no shortage of suspects. 00:03:22.290 --> 00:03:25.740 Currently, police are focusing their investigation on... 00:03:28.300 --> 00:03:30.603 Tim Allen. - What? Any name! 00:03:31.580 --> 00:03:32.413 - Tim Allen. 00:03:33.660 --> 00:03:36.440 - I'm sorry, did you say Tim Allen? 00:03:36.440 --> 00:03:38.130 - Yeah, I said Tim Allen, yes. 00:03:38.130 --> 00:03:40.150 - Why do you think that's the name you thought of 00:03:40.150 --> 00:03:43.253 when you could have chosen literally any name? 00:03:43.253 --> 00:03:45.860 - Oh, you know, 00:03:45.860 --> 00:03:49.860 I was going alphabetically by last name in my head. 00:03:49.860 --> 00:03:52.950 I was sort of scrolling through my Rolodex of names 00:03:52.950 --> 00:03:57.600 and I thought, okay, I could do Hank Aaron, 00:03:57.600 --> 00:03:59.320 but he just died, so I skipped him 00:03:59.320 --> 00:04:02.560 and I went to the next A in my Rolodex. 00:04:02.560 --> 00:04:05.230 - Oh, so it goes Hank Aaron, Tim Allen? 00:04:05.230 --> 00:04:07.380 - Tim Allen! - Yeah. 00:04:07.380 --> 00:04:09.723 - What a shameful explanation. 00:04:12.281 --> 00:04:15.820 - Well, Croooooob, be sure to let us know 00:04:15.820 --> 00:04:17.910 when your big fat ass gets handed back to you. 00:04:17.910 --> 00:04:18.993 - No. 00:04:18.993 --> 00:04:20.280 (Raph laughs) 00:04:20.280 --> 00:04:23.600 Until next time, I'm Croooooob, 00:04:23.600 --> 00:04:26.157 reminding you to spay and neuter yourself. 00:04:26.157 --> 00:04:28.440 - That does it for us, but before we go, 00:04:28.440 --> 00:04:30.573 today's loser is Raphael Chestang. 00:04:31.790 --> 00:04:33.970 - Okay, all right, I'll take that one. 00:04:33.970 --> 00:04:37.090 - Congrats, you really couldn't keep it together. 00:04:37.090 --> 00:04:39.781 - You're officially the ass that smiles back. 00:04:39.781 --> 00:04:42.690 (all laughing) 00:04:42.690 --> 00:04:43.640 - And what a smile.