WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.180 --> 00:00:02.520 - [Announcer] From West Hollywood, California 00:00:02.520 --> 00:00:04.330 the only news team that doesn't know 00:00:04.330 --> 00:00:07.030 what's on the teleprompter before they read it. 00:00:07.030 --> 00:00:10.060 Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points. 00:00:10.060 --> 00:00:12.283 This is Breaking News. 00:00:12.283 --> 00:00:14.600 (exciting music) 00:00:14.600 --> 00:00:16.770 - Hello, and welcome to Breaking News. 00:00:16.770 --> 00:00:19.280 The show where we don't know what we're about to say 00:00:19.280 --> 00:00:21.530 and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh. 00:00:21.530 --> 00:00:22.938 I'm Sue Walton. 00:00:22.938 --> 00:00:24.477 - And I'm Sue Dalton. 00:00:24.477 --> 00:00:25.790 Aren't we a pair? 00:00:25.790 --> 00:00:27.130 - Our top story tonight, 00:00:27.130 --> 00:00:29.690 I just had an idea for a hit show. 00:00:29.690 --> 00:00:31.090 - Is it just Hot Ones again? 00:00:31.090 --> 00:00:34.770 - No, I chat with celebrities and we eat spicy wings. 00:00:34.770 --> 00:00:35.870 - Yeah, see that's Hot Ones. 00:00:35.870 --> 00:00:38.483 - It is not, it's completely different. 00:00:38.483 --> 00:00:39.316 - How so? 00:00:39.316 --> 00:00:41.240 - For one thing, I have hair. 00:00:41.240 --> 00:00:42.820 - Tell me how it's different. - I have beautiful, 00:00:42.820 --> 00:00:44.300 luscious pink locks. 00:00:44.300 --> 00:00:46.370 That host is bald. 00:00:46.370 --> 00:00:49.160 Also my questions would be rude. 00:00:49.160 --> 00:00:53.170 His questions as far as I can tell are polite and engaging. 00:00:53.170 --> 00:00:54.830 - That doesn't sound very good. 00:00:54.830 --> 00:00:56.770 - People like it when I'm rude to them. 00:00:56.770 --> 00:00:59.250 You wait and see, you little bitch. 00:00:59.250 --> 00:01:01.020 - I'm not improvising anymore, 00:01:01.020 --> 00:01:02.411 I'm just reading the prompter. (laughs) 00:01:02.411 --> 00:01:04.567 - (laughs) I'm moving on as well. 00:01:04.567 --> 00:01:05.890 (Sue Dalton laughs) 00:01:05.890 --> 00:01:06.723 Oh yeah? 00:01:06.723 --> 00:01:07.770 You think you're so smart? 00:01:07.770 --> 00:01:10.060 What's your TV show about wings? 00:01:10.060 --> 00:01:13.942 - My TV show about wings is a plane for hire service 00:01:13.942 --> 00:01:15.780 (break counter dings) where people fly 00:01:15.780 --> 00:01:17.260 and deliver objects. 00:01:17.260 --> 00:01:20.000 The pilot is a bear named Baloo. 00:01:20.000 --> 00:01:21.050 You might've thought at first 00:01:21.050 --> 00:01:22.840 I was describing the show "Wings," 00:01:22.840 --> 00:01:25.300 but in fact, I'm describing the show "Tailspin." 00:01:25.300 --> 00:01:27.480 - Okay, wings can be lots of different things. 00:01:27.480 --> 00:01:28.410 Hey genius, 00:01:28.410 --> 00:01:31.653 you didn't list 10 hot sauces in your explanation. 00:01:32.620 --> 00:01:34.010 - Oh my bad, yeah, here they are 00:01:34.010 --> 00:01:37.850 in increasing order of hotness: Frank's Red Hot, Cholula, 00:01:37.850 --> 00:01:42.850 Tapatio, Tabasco, Tabasco Chipotle flavor, Sriracha. 00:01:43.456 --> 00:01:44.950 (tense music) 00:01:44.950 --> 00:01:45.950 Of course you've got 00:01:47.330 --> 00:01:50.654 Old Rude Donkey's Flamin' Anus Hot Sauce. 00:01:50.654 --> 00:01:51.745 (break counter dings) You've got 00:01:51.745 --> 00:01:53.378 (break counter dings) the (laughs) 00:01:53.378 --> 00:01:54.340 (break counter dings) 00:01:54.340 --> 00:01:56.610 Big Red cinnamon gum, the sauce. 00:01:56.610 --> 00:02:00.430 You have Atomic Fire Hemorrhoids, 00:02:00.430 --> 00:02:02.450 feel it at the end. 00:02:02.450 --> 00:02:07.450 And, of course, you've got Dragon's Breath Apocalypse sauce. 00:02:08.520 --> 00:02:10.020 - Those do sound hot. 00:02:10.020 --> 00:02:12.860 We'll go now to Lassie Bass, 00:02:12.860 --> 00:02:14.900 who's on the scene of a bank heist. 00:02:14.900 --> 00:02:17.180 Lassie, what can you tell us? 00:02:17.180 --> 00:02:20.140 - Thanks Sue, I'm on the scene of an armed robbery 00:02:20.140 --> 00:02:22.760 and what's that? 00:02:22.760 --> 00:02:26.170 I'm sorry, our producer in my ear. 00:02:26.170 --> 00:02:29.600 Okay, I'm being told I need to go to my kitchen 00:02:29.600 --> 00:02:33.320 and get the condiment I own that's in the largest bottle 00:02:34.200 --> 00:02:35.750 of my refrigerator. 00:02:35.750 --> 00:02:36.970 If you'll, excuse me. 00:02:36.970 --> 00:02:40.020 - Fair enough Lassie, we'll come back to you. 00:02:40.020 --> 00:02:43.530 In other news, the ice fishing out on Lake Penis 00:02:43.530 --> 00:02:45.670 is a favorite of local outdoors men. 00:02:45.670 --> 00:02:50.400 Our Lake Penis correspondent, Homer Barris is on the scene. 00:02:50.400 --> 00:02:52.940 Homer, are the fish bitin'? 00:02:52.940 --> 00:02:55.430 - Sue, just moments ago, 00:02:55.430 --> 00:02:58.000 I fell through the thin ice on Lake Penis. 00:02:58.000 --> 00:03:00.120 My heart stopped in the freezing water, 00:03:00.120 --> 00:03:02.710 and for seven minutes, I died. 00:03:02.710 --> 00:03:04.810 The paramedics shocked me back to life, 00:03:04.810 --> 00:03:06.500 but while I was dead, 00:03:06.500 --> 00:03:07.880 I went to hell. 00:03:07.880 --> 00:03:09.640 Hell is real, and I was there. 00:03:09.640 --> 00:03:11.890 It's not the fire and brimstone from the Bible. 00:03:11.890 --> 00:03:13.580 It looks like a Planet Fitness. 00:03:13.580 --> 00:03:15.700 The only open machines were the ellipticals. 00:03:15.700 --> 00:03:16.870 When I could get a bench, 00:03:16.870 --> 00:03:19.840 it was always next to someone much stronger than me. 00:03:19.840 --> 00:03:21.020 Every time, 00:03:21.020 --> 00:03:21.960 I picked up a weight 00:03:21.960 --> 00:03:23.320 it was just a little too heavy, 00:03:23.320 --> 00:03:24.870 so I had to go for a lighter one, 00:03:24.870 --> 00:03:26.760 and everybody noticed. 00:03:26.760 --> 00:03:27.960 There were trainers walking around 00:03:27.960 --> 00:03:30.500 giving me loud pointers on my form. 00:03:30.500 --> 00:03:31.760 Since it was a Planet Fitness 00:03:31.760 --> 00:03:34.950 the floor of the locker room was always very damp. 00:03:34.950 --> 00:03:37.630 And there were a bunch of crumpled up paper towels near 00:03:37.630 --> 00:03:39.290 but not in the trashcan. 00:03:39.290 --> 00:03:41.940 There were scores upon scores of old men changing 00:03:41.940 --> 00:03:44.480 and they had on shirts, but no pants or underwear. 00:03:44.480 --> 00:03:46.460 And they were in no rush to fix that. 00:03:46.460 --> 00:03:48.410 They were sitting bare assed on the benches 00:03:48.410 --> 00:03:51.120 with their long scrotums piled up 00:03:51.120 --> 00:03:52.930 like loose ham on the Formica. 00:03:52.930 --> 00:03:55.320 - Chilling. Who else was there? 00:03:55.320 --> 00:03:57.583 Everyone you'd expect. 00:03:58.440 --> 00:04:00.950 Hitler, Stalin, 00:04:00.950 --> 00:04:03.343 Goebbels, Rommel, 00:04:04.470 --> 00:04:05.790 Himmler. 00:04:05.790 --> 00:04:07.030 It's a lot of Nazis. 00:04:07.030 --> 00:04:08.117 - Lot of Nazis in hell, for sure, yeah. 00:04:08.117 --> 00:04:08.970 - For sure. 00:04:08.970 --> 00:04:13.970 Also Stonewall Jackson, Jefferson Davis, Robert E. Lee, 00:04:15.110 --> 00:04:17.240 And it's not even my knowledge of heaven and hell, 00:04:17.240 --> 00:04:18.370 It's my knowledge of history 00:04:18.370 --> 00:04:20.033 that's really holding me up here. 00:04:21.090 --> 00:04:24.095 I'll go with Alexander the Great, and, 00:04:24.095 --> 00:04:25.730 (tense music) 00:04:25.730 --> 00:04:27.527 what's the, what's the dude's name? 00:04:27.527 --> 00:04:28.360 (Sue Dalton laughs) (break counter dings) 00:04:28.360 --> 00:04:30.715 Fuck it, let's throw Julius Caesar in there, right? 00:04:30.715 --> 00:04:31.548 (break counter dings) (Sue Dalton laughing) 00:04:31.548 --> 00:04:32.510 Julius Caesar. 00:04:32.510 --> 00:04:33.620 - Yeah, sure. 00:04:33.620 --> 00:04:36.270 - Homer, I asked you a fucking question. 00:04:36.270 --> 00:04:38.760 Are the fish biting? 00:04:38.760 --> 00:04:41.410 - God, I love your rude questions, not really. 00:04:41.410 --> 00:04:42.520 - I wish they were. 00:04:42.520 --> 00:04:45.290 I wish they ate you, and you stayed dead. 00:04:45.290 --> 00:04:48.600 Now I'm being told that we have Lassie back with us. 00:04:48.600 --> 00:04:51.160 Lassie, any updates on the robbery? 00:04:51.160 --> 00:04:52.280 - No updates yet, 00:04:52.280 --> 00:04:57.103 but I was handed this box by a passer by. 00:04:57.952 --> 00:05:00.803 Okay, let's see what we got here. 00:05:02.390 --> 00:05:04.580 Ah, it appears to be a bowl 00:05:04.580 --> 00:05:08.020 full of Good & Plenty. 00:05:08.020 --> 00:05:09.950 You know, a lot of people don't like Good & Plenty 00:05:09.950 --> 00:05:12.200 because they think black licorice tastes 00:05:12.200 --> 00:05:14.540 like they're being punished for something. 00:05:14.540 --> 00:05:19.190 And the candy coating sheds away like moldy drywall. 00:05:19.190 --> 00:05:20.331 Not me though. (laughs) 00:05:20.331 --> 00:05:21.860 (break counter dings) I can't get enough. 00:05:21.860 --> 00:05:23.903 Actually, I've just had an idea. 00:05:24.880 --> 00:05:25.990 I better put 00:05:27.850 --> 00:05:29.020 this mayonnaise. 00:05:29.020 --> 00:05:30.600 - Hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. 00:05:30.600 --> 00:05:32.663 - All over the Good & Plenty, 00:05:33.530 --> 00:05:34.363 and eat it. 00:05:34.363 --> 00:05:35.230 Like it's cereal. 00:05:35.230 --> 00:05:36.880 - Just like mama made it. 00:05:36.880 --> 00:05:38.740 - That seems like a good idea, 00:05:38.740 --> 00:05:40.290 and it looks delicious. 00:05:40.290 --> 00:05:42.000 - I guess, 00:05:42.000 --> 00:05:43.400 I'm gonna do this now? 00:05:43.400 --> 00:05:45.370 - I guess you better do it. 00:05:45.370 --> 00:05:46.890 You've said that you enjoy this. 00:05:46.890 --> 00:05:49.020 You like sugar coating on black licorice 00:05:49.020 --> 00:05:52.610 with a gooey, viscous emulsion 00:05:52.610 --> 00:05:56.310 of oil and egg and lemon and salt. 00:05:56.310 --> 00:05:58.380 - Just want to give a huge thank you 00:05:58.380 --> 00:06:00.290 to whoever cast this episode. 00:06:00.290 --> 00:06:01.750 Feeling very grateful. 00:06:01.750 --> 00:06:03.560 - To our field correspondent, (break counter dings) 00:06:03.560 --> 00:06:06.030 I might want to add briefly, to that list of people 00:06:06.030 --> 00:06:07.153 who should be in hell. 00:06:07.153 --> 00:06:09.880 (Homer and Sue laughing) (break counter dinging) 00:06:09.880 --> 00:06:11.194 Down the hatch. 00:06:11.194 --> 00:06:13.440 (intriguing music) 00:06:13.440 --> 00:06:15.599 - That's my version of Hot Ones. 00:06:15.599 --> 00:06:17.580 (mouth crunching) 00:06:17.580 --> 00:06:19.040 - You can really hear the crunching, 00:06:19.040 --> 00:06:20.669 which is good. (Lassie laughing) 00:06:20.669 --> 00:06:21.870 (break counter dings) - Why don't you prove 00:06:21.870 --> 00:06:25.630 how much you enjoy it by swishing it around in your mouth. 00:06:25.630 --> 00:06:27.480 - Oh, like, (laughs) (break counter dings) 00:06:27.480 --> 00:06:28.313 like wine. 00:06:29.420 --> 00:06:30.660 Ooh, my pleasure. 00:06:30.660 --> 00:06:32.433 I'm so happy right now. 00:06:33.650 --> 00:06:35.870 Squish a big bite around. 00:06:35.870 --> 00:06:38.600 - We all are, mm, mm, mm. 00:06:38.600 --> 00:06:40.290 No. (laughs) (break counter dings) 00:06:40.290 --> 00:06:42.210 - I promise we won't cut away 00:06:42.210 --> 00:06:47.210 until you have one more big bite and swallow it. 00:06:47.440 --> 00:06:49.550 - This takes so long to chew is the thing. 00:06:49.550 --> 00:06:52.420 - It's pretty wild that Good & Plenty is the only candy 00:06:52.420 --> 00:06:54.560 I can think of that doesn't even try 00:06:54.560 --> 00:06:56.845 to describe its flavor in the name. 00:06:56.845 --> 00:06:58.200 (Sue and Lassie laughing) (break counter dinging) 00:06:58.200 --> 00:07:00.450 It's just references how much of it there is. 00:07:00.450 --> 00:07:04.100 - It's as if the taste isn't worth advertising. 00:07:04.100 --> 00:07:06.117 but the mayonnaise sure does add something. 00:07:06.117 --> 00:07:07.325 (Homer laughs) (break counter dings) 00:07:07.325 --> 00:07:09.028 - Oh baby. 00:07:09.028 --> 00:07:12.157 - What (laughs) what would you say it adds, Sam? 00:07:12.157 --> 00:07:12.990 - Mayonnaise! 00:07:12.990 --> 00:07:13.823 - Fantastic. 00:07:13.823 --> 00:07:14.730 - Oh my God. 00:07:14.730 --> 00:07:16.810 - That'll do it for us at Breaking News. 00:07:16.810 --> 00:07:19.820 This week's loser is Michael Trapp. 00:07:19.820 --> 00:07:21.140 Terrible work, Trapp 00:07:21.140 --> 00:07:23.620 - Well I'm headed to Lake Penis, 00:07:23.620 --> 00:07:25.023 emphasis on the headed.