WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.180 --> 00:00:02.520 - [Announcer] From West Hollywood, California, 00:00:02.520 --> 00:00:04.330 the only news team that doesn't know 00:00:04.330 --> 00:00:07.030 what's on the teleprompter before they read it. 00:00:07.030 --> 00:00:10.170 Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. 00:00:10.170 --> 00:00:14.420 This is "Breaking News." (dramatic instrumental music) 00:00:14.420 --> 00:00:15.840 - Hello, and welcome to "Breaking News," 00:00:15.840 --> 00:00:17.740 the show where we don't know what we're about to say 00:00:17.740 --> 00:00:19.350 and we're not allowed to smile or laugh. 00:00:19.350 --> 00:00:22.040 I'm Peaky Blinders. (Tao chuckles) 00:00:22.040 --> 00:00:24.207 - And I'm Peaky Buttholes. 00:00:25.245 --> 00:00:26.584 (Tao chuckles) (Amy laughing) 00:00:26.584 --> 00:00:27.417 - Let's get right into it. 00:00:27.417 --> 00:00:29.993 Bacon, pig's meat, the stuff of breakfast. 00:00:29.993 --> 00:00:31.600 - What about it? 00:00:31.600 --> 00:00:32.433 - For the past 10 years (Amy laughing) 00:00:32.433 --> 00:00:34.814 I've been shoving... (chuckles) 00:00:34.814 --> 00:00:37.490 (Amy laughing) (orchestra hits resound) 00:00:37.490 --> 00:00:42.405 Yeah, whoever's doing the prompter, stop at every paragraph. 00:00:42.405 --> 00:00:43.640 (sighs) For the past 10 years 00:00:43.640 --> 00:00:46.190 I've been shoving bacon products into my little pie hole 00:00:46.190 --> 00:00:49.020 multiple times a day and pouring hot bacon juice 00:00:49.020 --> 00:00:52.810 into my open wounds as a natural, organic bandage. 00:00:52.810 --> 00:00:55.030 - Do you have a news story about bacon for us 00:00:55.030 --> 00:00:58.079 or are you just wasting our time with a personal anecdote? 00:00:58.079 --> 00:01:00.010 (Tao chuckles) (Amy laughing) 00:01:00.010 --> 00:01:01.930 - No news story, I just wanted to say 00:01:01.930 --> 00:01:03.660 that bacon is my personality 00:01:03.660 --> 00:01:08.660 along with other trends from 10 years like... (sighs) 00:01:11.704 --> 00:01:14.031 (Amy laughing) (Tao chuckling) 00:01:14.031 --> 00:01:16.198 - You don't remember 2011. 00:01:17.070 --> 00:01:19.210 - I don't think I've ever participated 00:01:19.210 --> 00:01:22.289 in a trend in my life. (Tao laughing) 00:01:22.289 --> 00:01:24.660 So trends that were going on in 2011. 00:01:24.660 --> 00:01:27.470 - That's like what, two years after you graduate college. 00:01:27.470 --> 00:01:28.710 - Oh, that's right, okay. 00:01:28.710 --> 00:01:30.970 So what was going two years after I graduated college? 00:01:30.970 --> 00:01:32.940 Oh, people were bartending. 00:01:32.940 --> 00:01:34.760 People were taking improv classes. 00:01:34.760 --> 00:01:36.760 - These are just the things that you were doing 00:01:36.760 --> 00:01:37.960 in your personal life! (Tao laughing) 00:01:37.960 --> 00:01:39.293 - I don't know what other people do! 00:01:39.293 --> 00:01:41.490 - They asked you to list five. 00:01:41.490 --> 00:01:43.290 You can't even list one. - Wow. 00:01:43.290 --> 00:01:44.630 - Say "Fast and the Furious." 00:01:44.630 --> 00:01:48.150 - Oh, Barack Obama was still in his first term as president 00:01:48.150 --> 00:01:52.713 so that was a trend. - (laughs) Okay, great. 00:01:53.920 --> 00:01:58.300 Tonight's first (laughs) real story, corgi butts. 00:01:58.300 --> 00:02:01.730 Scientists have discovered a gene found in corgi DNA 00:02:01.730 --> 00:02:04.917 directly responsible for making their fluffy stink sacks 00:02:04.917 --> 00:02:08.900 (Amy laughing) (orchestra hits resound) 00:02:08.900 --> 00:02:12.222 look so damn good. - Holy hell! 00:02:12.222 --> 00:02:13.920 (Tao laughing) - Anyway, 00:02:13.920 --> 00:02:15.540 scientists are testing out ways 00:02:15.540 --> 00:02:16.830 to put that gene into humans 00:02:16.830 --> 00:02:18.690 so our butts can look just as good. 00:02:18.690 --> 00:02:20.580 - I love that. - Me too. 00:02:20.580 --> 00:02:23.444 I'm actually one of the humans they tested it out on. 00:02:23.444 --> 00:02:28.444 (Amy laughing and panting) (orchestra hits resound) 00:02:30.095 --> 00:02:35.095 I have, I have a brand-new corgi butt. (laughs) 00:02:36.398 --> 00:02:38.200 I'd show, oh, (laughs) 00:02:38.200 --> 00:02:39.033 I'd show you how it wiggles, but I can't stand up right now. 00:02:42.000 --> 00:02:44.630 I'm sitting on a slippery chair 00:02:44.630 --> 00:02:47.866 and I've chained myself to it so I don't slip off. 00:02:47.866 --> 00:02:50.525 (Amy laughing and sniffling) 00:02:50.525 --> 00:02:52.227 Oh no, instead I'll just describe my new corgi butt. 00:02:54.992 --> 00:02:57.163 Oh, it's hairy and fluffy. 00:02:57.163 --> 00:03:01.270 It bounces, it wiggles and shakes. 00:03:01.270 --> 00:03:03.960 It's white with brown spots. 00:03:03.960 --> 00:03:07.498 It looks really when the POV 00:03:07.498 --> 00:03:11.053 is me looking back over my corgi butt. 00:03:12.040 --> 00:03:15.527 - Keep going. (Tao laughing) 00:03:15.527 --> 00:03:18.640 - I, emotionally, (orchestra hits resound) 00:03:18.640 --> 00:03:22.650 it's a joyful butt, but it's also, it's got some, 00:03:22.650 --> 00:03:24.240 you know, sass to it. 00:03:24.240 --> 00:03:29.133 It's sassy and happy and you can't see my butthole. 00:03:32.320 --> 00:03:34.130 - Stop, stop that! 00:03:34.130 --> 00:03:36.030 We have breaking weather news. 00:03:36.030 --> 00:03:38.870 We turn now to meteorologist Billie Joe Armstrong 00:03:38.870 --> 00:03:40.150 from Green Day. (orchestra hit resounds) 00:03:40.150 --> 00:03:42.810 - Terrible news, terrible news all around. 00:03:42.810 --> 00:03:44.230 I'm deeply saddened, 00:03:44.230 --> 00:03:47.450 and I simply cannot continue with the weather today. 00:03:47.450 --> 00:03:50.090 - Do you want me to deliver the weather on your behalf? 00:03:50.090 --> 00:03:51.050 - No way! 00:03:51.050 --> 00:03:53.000 You'll be bad at it, okay? 00:03:53.000 --> 00:03:55.080 You got that little corgi butt. 00:03:55.080 --> 00:03:58.364 It's keeping you from heat sensitivity. 00:03:58.364 --> 00:04:00.716 You got fur all over your asshole, 00:04:00.716 --> 00:04:05.340 and that's the extent of my roast, you're roasted! 00:04:05.340 --> 00:04:09.271 - I think you were supposed to roast me, but that's okay! 00:04:09.271 --> 00:04:10.920 (Tao laughing) Ouch! 00:04:10.920 --> 00:04:13.860 - I want to actually apologize for that. 00:04:13.860 --> 00:04:17.150 It was deeply unprofessional of me. 00:04:17.150 --> 00:04:20.730 I'm just deeply upset today and I'm not on my A-game 00:04:20.730 --> 00:04:23.710 because a hailstorm is going to ruin the afternoon, 00:04:23.710 --> 00:04:26.370 and it's my favorite day of the year. 00:04:26.370 --> 00:04:30.620 It's national call your dead grandma day. 00:04:30.620 --> 00:04:32.861 I love national call your dead grandma day 00:04:32.861 --> 00:04:35.450 because of all the traditional celebrations 00:04:35.450 --> 00:04:36.290 that come with it. 00:04:36.290 --> 00:04:40.030 Here are my top 10 celebrations 00:04:40.030 --> 00:04:42.800 for national call your dead grandma day. 00:04:42.800 --> 00:04:47.068 Number one, call to see if the number is still in service. 00:04:47.068 --> 00:04:47.997 (Brennan sighs in exasperation) 00:04:47.997 --> 00:04:52.997 (Lily laughing) (orchestra hits resound) 00:04:54.100 --> 00:04:57.970 Number two, call her friends and family. 00:04:57.970 --> 00:05:00.510 Did they try calling her? 00:05:00.510 --> 00:05:04.200 If so, they didn't reach her 'cause she died last year. 00:05:04.200 --> 00:05:05.640 (Brennan hissing air) (Amy laughing) 00:05:05.640 --> 00:05:07.590 Three, check that email. 00:05:07.590 --> 00:05:08.920 Is that email still in service? 00:05:08.920 --> 00:05:10.060 That email is still in service. 00:05:10.060 --> 00:05:12.170 Hotmail ain't ever shutting down that email. 00:05:12.170 --> 00:05:15.230 Four, hey, do you still have her cellphone 00:05:15.230 --> 00:05:18.950 in a bag of possessions that passed on to you? 00:05:18.950 --> 00:05:21.430 If so, give it a ring-a-ling. (Tao chuckling) 00:05:21.430 --> 00:05:24.910 Five, I got six more to go? - (laughs) Yeah. 00:05:24.910 --> 00:05:26.830 - Are you sure you want this? 00:05:26.830 --> 00:05:29.257 Everyone seems pretty sad, but it's okay 00:05:29.257 --> 00:05:31.550 'cause my grandma actually died last year 00:05:31.550 --> 00:05:35.283 and I'm having a good time. (Tao laughing) 00:05:36.996 --> 00:05:39.820 Mm, five. (Amy laughing) 00:05:39.820 --> 00:05:42.500 Hey, write her a letter to Heaven. 00:05:42.500 --> 00:05:46.170 Six, visit her in Heaven when you're dead. 00:05:46.170 --> 00:05:48.720 Seven, maybe she's in hell 'cause she's a bad grandma. 00:05:48.720 --> 00:05:49.553 I had one of those. 00:05:49.553 --> 00:05:51.240 I had a good one and a bad one. 00:05:51.240 --> 00:05:56.240 Eight, ooh, hey, give your grandpa a ring-a-ling, too. 00:05:56.610 --> 00:05:59.910 He's dead also, that's the next holiday. 00:05:59.910 --> 00:06:04.910 Nine, um, hey, call your parents. 00:06:05.770 --> 00:06:07.820 They're still alive, they miss her, too. 00:06:07.820 --> 00:06:11.700 10, eat a big taco. 00:06:11.700 --> 00:06:13.110 - Thanks, Billie Joe. 00:06:13.110 --> 00:06:16.390 Hey, in that one song you do, it's more like, 00:06:16.390 --> 00:06:18.724 wake me up when COVID ends, am I right? 00:06:18.724 --> 00:06:19.820 (Brennan laughs) (Lily laughs) 00:06:19.820 --> 00:06:21.645 We turn now to fashion news 00:06:21.645 --> 00:06:25.190 with Brookstone Skymall, Brookstone? 00:06:25.190 --> 00:06:28.030 - Thank you, I'm definitely the fashion correspondent 00:06:28.030 --> 00:06:29.490 and not just some dude who ran over 00:06:29.490 --> 00:06:31.820 the real fashion correspondent with my car 00:06:31.820 --> 00:06:33.440 and started living my life as him. 00:06:33.440 --> 00:06:35.160 Great, great, great, so well now that we have that 00:06:35.160 --> 00:06:36.400 out of the way, there's not much going on 00:06:36.400 --> 00:06:38.070 in the fashion world today. 00:06:38.070 --> 00:06:39.520 People like wearing the color blue. 00:06:39.520 --> 00:06:42.490 - Hmmm, you don't look like Brookstone Skymall, 00:06:42.490 --> 00:06:45.470 our coworker of seven years. 00:06:45.470 --> 00:06:46.303 - I definitely am. 00:06:46.303 --> 00:06:47.790 I'm for real Brookstone Skymall 00:06:47.790 --> 00:06:48.790 or whatever you said his name was 00:06:48.790 --> 00:06:51.430 and this is my regular job and I'm really good at it. 00:06:51.430 --> 00:06:53.390 I'm not pretending. - Prove it. 00:06:53.390 --> 00:06:55.010 What are 10 things that only 00:06:55.010 --> 00:06:56.990 our beloved coworker would know? 00:06:56.990 --> 00:07:00.440 - Uh, well, uh, we made out at the holiday party. 00:07:00.440 --> 00:07:04.920 We once brought the same color Tupperware, green, 00:07:04.920 --> 00:07:06.680 to the lunch break room. 00:07:06.680 --> 00:07:10.730 I like to only take little poops on third 00:07:10.730 --> 00:07:12.400 and fifth floor 'cause they're under construction 00:07:12.400 --> 00:07:15.110 and it's far away from other coworkers. 00:07:15.110 --> 00:07:18.740 Let's see, I go onto the roof and scream 00:07:18.740 --> 00:07:21.650 at four o'clock every day, which you've all heard. 00:07:21.650 --> 00:07:26.630 I am the guy who eats fish 00:07:26.630 --> 00:07:29.038 in the lunch break room and microwaves it. 00:07:29.038 --> 00:07:34.038 I was the one who put liquor into the punch bowl 00:07:35.930 --> 00:07:37.440 at the Christmas party. 00:07:37.440 --> 00:07:41.310 I'm also the one who likes to Slack 00:07:41.310 --> 00:07:45.660 borderline inappropriate gifts in the Slack channel. 00:07:45.660 --> 00:07:49.150 One of my ex-girlfriends came to the office one day 00:07:49.150 --> 00:07:51.300 and keyed my car in front of everyone. 00:07:51.300 --> 00:07:53.071 And what else, what else, what else? 00:07:53.071 --> 00:07:54.867 - You have eight left to go. (Brennan laughing) 00:07:54.867 --> 00:07:57.720 - I have eight more to go. (orchestra hits resound) 00:07:57.720 --> 00:07:59.760 Let's see, I keep asking everyone 00:07:59.760 --> 00:08:02.770 to come to my kickball games and no one shows up. 00:08:02.770 --> 00:08:07.257 Brookstone is actually short for Blarney Stone 00:08:08.770 --> 00:08:11.791 'cause I'm Irish, and that's the last one. 00:08:11.791 --> 00:08:13.400 (Brennan laughing) - Okay. 00:08:13.400 --> 00:08:14.860 Well, that all checks out. 00:08:14.860 --> 00:08:17.740 What were you saying about fashion? (laughs) 00:08:17.740 --> 00:08:19.510 - Oh yeah, I just said there's not much going on 00:08:19.510 --> 00:08:21.420 in the fashion world today. 00:08:21.420 --> 00:08:23.080 People like wearing the color blue. 00:08:23.080 --> 00:08:25.360 - See, see, I told you! 00:08:25.360 --> 00:08:27.170 Blue is back, baby! 00:08:27.170 --> 00:08:28.610 And you said it wasn't. 00:08:28.610 --> 00:08:30.751 You owe me $200. 00:08:30.751 --> 00:08:34.210 - Damn it, that's my last $200, too! 00:08:34.210 --> 00:08:36.020 I'm so pissed. 00:08:36.020 --> 00:08:39.540 Anyway, Brookstone Skymall, refresh my memory, 00:08:39.540 --> 00:08:42.100 what did you win a Pulitzer Prize for last year? 00:08:42.100 --> 00:08:44.448 - I won my Pulitzer surprise for a biography about- 00:08:44.448 --> 00:08:45.710 - No, no, no. - Ssh. 00:08:45.710 --> 00:08:48.214 - Not Pulitzer surprise. (Lily laughing) 00:08:48.214 --> 00:08:52.070 - (chuckles) Well, I won my Pulitzer in surprise. 00:08:52.070 --> 00:08:53.090 I really didn't think I was gonna win it that year. 00:08:53.090 --> 00:08:54.890 - Yeah, let's take a little detour. 00:08:54.890 --> 00:08:56.791 What about your Pulitzer surprise? 00:08:56.791 --> 00:08:58.950 I would like to know a lot more 00:08:58.950 --> 00:09:03.491 about what that even is or what it means to win it. 00:09:03.491 --> 00:09:06.073 - (laughs) Well, a Pulitzer surprise is when someone 00:09:06.073 --> 00:09:09.400 wins a Pulitzer and you tell them that they won 00:09:09.400 --> 00:09:12.920 by pantsing them and then pretending 00:09:12.920 --> 00:09:15.640 as if they took a shit right then and there 00:09:15.640 --> 00:09:17.757 and gaslight them until they believe it to be true. 00:09:17.757 --> 00:09:20.450 (Amy laughing) - Wow, harrowing. 00:09:20.450 --> 00:09:22.320 That sounds awful. - Thank you. 00:09:22.320 --> 00:09:24.500 And I won it for, wow, I was gonna say a book 00:09:24.500 --> 00:09:26.130 but I see this next one is about an article. 00:09:26.130 --> 00:09:29.070 So I wrote about an article about Bill Gates 00:09:29.070 --> 00:09:33.593 and how endowed he is. 00:09:33.593 --> 00:09:38.593 - That article changed my life. 00:09:39.100 --> 00:09:40.850 - That's all the time we have for today. 00:09:40.850 --> 00:09:44.783 Before we go, today's loser was Amy Vorpahl! 00:09:45.977 --> 00:09:49.728 Oh, who could have anticipated? (laughs) 00:09:49.728 --> 00:09:51.030 (Amy chuckling) (Tao chuckling) 00:09:51.030 --> 00:09:52.130 Amy, how's it feel? 00:09:52.130 --> 00:09:54.426 - It feels good. (Brennan laughing) 00:09:54.426 --> 00:09:55.620 - Wow. - What I would pay 00:09:55.620 --> 00:09:59.106 for a day in her mind. - Incredible. 00:09:59.106 --> 00:10:00.836 (Amy laughing)