WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.190 --> 00:00:02.520 - [Announcer] From West Hollywood, California, 00:00:02.520 --> 00:00:04.310 the only news team that doesn't know 00:00:04.310 --> 00:00:07.030 what's on the teleprompter before they read it. 00:00:07.030 --> 00:00:10.170 Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. 00:00:10.170 --> 00:00:12.737 This is "Breaking News." 00:00:14.940 --> 00:00:18.400 - Hello, and welcome to the "Breaking News," 00:00:18.400 --> 00:00:21.570 the show where we don't know what we're about to say 00:00:21.570 --> 00:00:23.400 and aren't allowed to smile or laugh. 00:00:23.400 --> 00:00:25.280 I'm Cameron Bailey. 00:00:25.280 --> 00:00:29.603 - And I'm The Bad Guy From that NWA Video. (chuckles) 00:00:30.830 --> 00:00:33.120 - Really, because you look like if Eminem 00:00:33.120 --> 00:00:35.730 grew up in a house with both parents. 00:00:35.730 --> 00:00:37.140 - Nope, I'm the worst. 00:00:37.140 --> 00:00:38.770 - Not just in general either. 00:00:38.770 --> 00:00:40.810 You're also the worst at this game, 00:00:40.810 --> 00:00:43.150 you giggly, gangly motherfucker 00:00:43.150 --> 00:00:46.230 so we're thrilled that you volunteered to punish yourself 00:00:46.230 --> 00:00:49.230 by attempting to keep your mouth full of water 00:00:49.230 --> 00:00:51.680 throughout the entirely of this shoot. 00:00:51.680 --> 00:00:54.090 - Uh-huh. - I like this, I like this. 00:00:54.090 --> 00:00:55.640 I like this a lot. - This is a good idea. 00:00:55.640 --> 00:00:57.740 - Okay, so I... - Yeah. 00:00:59.030 --> 00:01:00.520 - Oh. (chuckles) (orchestral hit resounds) 00:01:00.520 --> 00:01:01.353 Hey, you know what? 00:01:01.353 --> 00:01:03.580 It's the microphone's funeral. 00:01:03.580 --> 00:01:06.420 - Yeah, that's right, get it al in there. 00:01:06.420 --> 00:01:09.530 You like that, you little piggy, don't you? 00:01:09.530 --> 00:01:10.960 Oink, oink. 00:01:10.960 --> 00:01:12.700 Meanwhile, everyone feel free 00:01:12.700 --> 00:01:15.350 to hurl insults at Grant throughout the shoot. 00:01:15.350 --> 00:01:18.870 Now, to our co-anchor Bo, with a story on Chicago's 00:01:18.870 --> 00:01:22.623 world-famous hot dog stand, the Wiener's Circle. 00:01:22.623 --> 00:01:23.456 (Grant chortles) (orchestra hit resounds) 00:01:23.456 --> 00:01:25.700 I understand that you FaceTimed with the Wiener's Circle, 00:01:25.700 --> 00:01:27.810 a restaurant known for roasting their customers 00:01:27.810 --> 00:01:29.300 and asked them, "What's the difference 00:01:29.300 --> 00:01:32.610 between a Chicago-style hot dog and a real hot dog?" 00:01:32.610 --> 00:01:33.500 - That's right. 00:01:33.500 --> 00:01:35.150 - What was the point of this story? 00:01:35.150 --> 00:01:36.690 - Well, it's funny you should ask that. 00:01:36.690 --> 00:01:37.920 The point of the story is 00:01:37.920 --> 00:01:40.440 that there's two different kinds of hot dogs, right? 00:01:40.440 --> 00:01:41.792 There's great hot dogs 00:01:41.792 --> 00:01:44.330 and then there's hot dogs that people from Chicago 00:01:44.330 --> 00:01:46.080 think are better, like celery salt's 00:01:46.080 --> 00:01:49.190 gonna do fucking anything on your hot dog, you idiots. 00:01:49.190 --> 00:01:50.666 Chicago sucks, there, I said it. 00:01:50.666 --> 00:01:52.400 - Mm-mm, mm-mm. - You dumbasses! 00:01:52.400 --> 00:01:54.508 The only place worse than Chicago is Ohio. 00:01:54.508 --> 00:01:57.284 - Ohio, Columbus, Ohio. 00:01:57.284 --> 00:01:58.117 - (gurgling) The pickle. 00:01:58.117 --> 00:01:59.009 - I'm sorry, what was that, Grant? 00:01:59.009 --> 00:02:02.180 - The pickle, the pickle. (chuckles) 00:02:02.180 --> 00:02:03.013 (coughing) - Listen, Ohio's 00:02:03.013 --> 00:02:04.750 the fucking armpit of the country. 00:02:04.750 --> 00:02:06.730 This fucking dumb shit state 00:02:06.730 --> 00:02:08.810 that makes everyone look at it every four years like, 00:02:08.810 --> 00:02:11.310 oh no, we might choose the right president this time. 00:02:11.310 --> 00:02:12.680 And they always fucking fuck it up. 00:02:12.680 --> 00:02:13.880 Everyone gives Florida shit, 00:02:13.880 --> 00:02:16.428 and Ohio fucks up way harder than anyone else. 00:02:16.428 --> 00:02:18.090 - (gurgling) No! - Fuck Ohio is my point. 00:02:18.090 --> 00:02:19.860 - It has Cedar Point. 00:02:19.860 --> 00:02:24.860 - All right, and what did they say in response to roast you? 00:02:25.630 --> 00:02:28.490 - They told me that they were just gonna take a pass on me 00:02:28.490 --> 00:02:31.480 and go right to Grant because it was like going hunting 00:02:31.480 --> 00:02:35.010 and seeing a much bigger deer that you wanted to bring down. 00:02:35.010 --> 00:02:36.000 - Yeah. - They basically just talked 00:02:36.000 --> 00:02:38.840 about how, like, what a boring life you must lead 00:02:38.840 --> 00:02:41.239 to watch roller coaster videos in your spare time, like- 00:02:41.239 --> 00:02:43.818 (spitting) (laughing) 00:02:43.818 --> 00:02:47.760 (orchestral hits resound) 00:02:47.760 --> 00:02:49.500 It's like, we get everything's closed, 00:02:49.500 --> 00:02:52.105 but truly you could do anything at your house right now. 00:02:52.105 --> 00:02:54.300 (spitting) (laughing) 00:02:54.300 --> 00:02:56.140 Figure out what to do with your life, you know? 00:02:56.140 --> 00:02:57.570 - They were a lot meaner than that. 00:02:57.570 --> 00:03:00.810 They really went after your insecurities, or in this case, 00:03:00.810 --> 00:03:02.840 they really went after Grant's insecurities. 00:03:02.840 --> 00:03:04.720 Could you re-enact that, please? 00:03:04.720 --> 00:03:08.060 Like for instance, it's so sad to watch someone 00:03:08.060 --> 00:03:12.680 past their sexual prime still really go for it. 00:03:12.680 --> 00:03:14.230 - Mm-mm. - It wasn't that long ago 00:03:14.230 --> 00:03:16.243 that Grant was talking about he changed his whole hairstyle 00:03:16.243 --> 00:03:19.238 because some Zoomer made fun of him on the internet. 00:03:19.238 --> 00:03:22.829 (anchors laughing) (orchestral hits resound) 00:03:22.829 --> 00:03:23.880 - Ooh. - All it took 00:03:23.880 --> 00:03:26.020 was one anonymous 12-year-old. - Yeah. 00:03:26.020 --> 00:03:29.100 - And this idiot over here changed up his whole appearance. 00:03:29.100 --> 00:03:30.610 - Whew, brutal! - Yep. 00:03:30.610 --> 00:03:33.180 And now to our correspondent, Lindsey, with the weather. 00:03:33.180 --> 00:03:36.030 Lindsey, describe what the sky looks like outside today. 00:03:36.030 --> 00:03:38.490 - But before you do, please keep in mind 00:03:38.490 --> 00:03:40.700 the curse the witch put on you 00:03:40.700 --> 00:03:42.590 that prevents you from mentioning colors 00:03:42.590 --> 00:03:45.190 or saying any words that start with the letter C. 00:03:45.190 --> 00:03:49.750 If you do, you have to imitate a sperm fertilizing an egg. 00:03:49.750 --> 00:03:52.010 - Yeah, I know. 00:03:52.010 --> 00:03:56.710 So anyway, the sky today is 00:03:58.520 --> 00:04:03.520 tinged with yellow, oh shit. (laughing) 00:04:05.280 --> 00:04:06.730 I walked right into that one. 00:04:06.730 --> 00:04:08.510 Cool, So let's talk about sperm and egg. 00:04:08.510 --> 00:04:11.230 So imagine you're anyone except Grant O'Brien 00:04:11.230 --> 00:04:12.830 who's as infertile as they come. 00:04:13.820 --> 00:04:14.653 (laughing) 00:04:14.653 --> 00:04:16.780 - And to be clear, that's not because he's shooting blanks 00:04:16.780 --> 00:04:18.244 or anything, it's just 'cause he can't get it up. 00:04:18.244 --> 00:04:19.077 (laughing) (orchestral hit resounds) 00:04:19.077 --> 00:04:20.540 - No, it's not 'cause of medical reasons. 00:04:20.540 --> 00:04:23.130 It's 'cause he's used it dick too close to a microwave 00:04:23.130 --> 00:04:24.470 too, too many times. 00:04:24.470 --> 00:04:26.210 - How else are you gonna get your burrito nice and warm 00:04:26.210 --> 00:04:27.463 so you can fuck it? (spits) 00:04:27.463 --> 00:04:32.463 (laughing) (orchestra hits resound) 00:04:32.940 --> 00:04:35.990 - Imagine the sperm makes its way into the egg. 00:04:35.990 --> 00:04:38.800 Here's a little sperm swimming around. 00:04:38.800 --> 00:04:42.010 It taps into the egg and racing with other sperm, 00:04:42.010 --> 00:04:46.340 it enters the egg, over time it slowly but surely develops 00:04:46.340 --> 00:04:49.550 like this into a proper baby unless that sperm 00:04:49.550 --> 00:04:52.540 and egg combination happens to have been Grant O'Brien 00:04:52.540 --> 00:04:54.360 in which case it develops 00:04:54.360 --> 00:04:57.110 an unusually tall stature even in the womb. 00:04:57.110 --> 00:04:57.943 - Mm. - Mm. 00:04:58.850 --> 00:05:00.850 - Sure, it's like the remake of "Willy Wonka" 00:05:00.850 --> 00:05:02.940 with the real stretched-out taffy kid. 00:05:02.940 --> 00:05:03.900 - That's exactly right. 00:05:03.900 --> 00:05:06.090 - Hey Grant, hanging in there, you bitch? 00:05:06.090 --> 00:05:09.179 - Yeah, you bitch! - I'm doing fine. 00:05:09.179 --> 00:05:11.580 You're all gonna get yours in hell. 00:05:11.580 --> 00:05:13.080 - Aaron Burr. (spits) 00:05:13.080 --> 00:05:14.430 Remember the "Got Milk?" commercial? 00:05:14.430 --> 00:05:16.185 Of course you do 'cause you're old as fuck, Grant. 00:05:16.185 --> 00:05:21.185 (laughing) (orchestral hits resound) 00:05:24.620 --> 00:05:26.929 - Hey Grant, had a baby, it's a boy. 00:05:26.929 --> 00:05:30.270 (spits) (laughing) 00:05:30.270 --> 00:05:32.390 Lily doesn't even know that one, Grant. 00:05:32.390 --> 00:05:35.620 - I'm a very young man, I'm very young. 00:05:35.620 --> 00:05:36.910 - Stupid. 00:05:36.910 --> 00:05:40.790 And now for our top story, how former French pastry chefs 00:05:40.790 --> 00:05:43.970 turned pirates sailed to Cuba to dig up buried treasure. 00:05:43.970 --> 00:05:46.360 How did these French pastry chefs turn 00:05:46.360 --> 00:05:49.853 to a life of maritime piracy to begin with? 00:05:51.669 --> 00:05:53.320 (confused yelping) 00:05:53.320 --> 00:05:56.620 Oh, God I did a thing where I read the words, 00:05:56.620 --> 00:06:00.030 but I didn't process the thought so I really don't know 00:06:00.030 --> 00:06:02.510 what I'm supposed to be explaining right now. 00:06:02.510 --> 00:06:06.570 - Something to do with pastry chefs becoming pirates. 00:06:06.570 --> 00:06:08.050 Now, if you ask me, a pirate 00:06:08.050 --> 00:06:10.003 wouldn't make a good pastry chef. 00:06:10.890 --> 00:06:12.700 Probably come out about as well 00:06:12.700 --> 00:06:14.810 as one of Grant O'Brien's cocktails. 00:06:14.810 --> 00:06:15.643 - I actually think that Grant 00:06:15.643 --> 00:06:17.160 makes some pretty good cocktails. 00:06:17.160 --> 00:06:19.319 The problem is just that he cares about it too much. 00:06:19.319 --> 00:06:21.100 (laughing) - Absolutely. 00:06:21.100 --> 00:06:22.875 - He really wants to make a thing of it. 00:06:22.875 --> 00:06:27.875 - (laughs) We are off the rail. 00:06:28.320 --> 00:06:31.252 - What are we, Grant? - We're off the rails! 00:06:31.252 --> 00:06:32.085 The rails! 00:06:32.085 --> 00:06:33.810 - And because I've lost the thread on this, 00:06:33.810 --> 00:06:38.810 what I instead will be writing, the number 44 00:06:38.980 --> 00:06:40.590 which is how old I think Grant looks. 00:06:40.590 --> 00:06:43.520 - I'm not yet. - Look, the point is, 00:06:43.520 --> 00:06:45.310 I certainly learned something. 00:06:45.310 --> 00:06:48.470 - And now for our national anthem, Lindsey? 00:06:48.470 --> 00:06:49.980 - I forgot the words so instead 00:06:49.980 --> 00:06:53.338 I will howl like a wolf to the tune of the national anthem. 00:06:53.338 --> 00:06:54.683 - Great. 00:06:54.683 --> 00:06:56.550 - Corespondent goes on the Instagram Live 00:06:56.550 --> 00:06:58.335 and howls like a wolf. - Oh, no! 00:06:58.335 --> 00:07:00.672 - You have to be kidding me. - Oh, no! 00:07:00.672 --> 00:07:02.930 (sighs) - Wow! 00:07:02.930 --> 00:07:04.310 - How do you get to Instagram Live? 00:07:04.310 --> 00:07:06.865 I've never done one before. - Well, now who's old? 00:07:06.865 --> 00:07:07.698 (chuckles) (orchestra hit resounds) 00:07:07.698 --> 00:07:08.531 - Oh, here we go. 00:07:08.531 --> 00:07:12.733 Oh my God, I'm not even gonna look. (clears throat) 00:07:14.596 --> 00:07:19.013 (howling "The Star Spangled Banner") 00:07:25.447 --> 00:07:30.364 (Grant humming "The Star Spangled Banner") 00:07:35.480 --> 00:07:39.770 (howling "The Star Spangled Banner" off key) 00:07:39.770 --> 00:07:40.768 (grant gurgling) 00:07:40.768 --> 00:07:45.185 (howling "The Star Spangled Banner") 00:07:47.587 --> 00:07:48.649 - A little pitchy. 00:07:48.649 --> 00:07:53.502 (howling "The Star Spangled Banner") 00:07:53.502 --> 00:07:56.044 - Big finale. (howling "The Star Spangled Banner") 00:07:56.044 --> 00:07:59.927 (Grant humming "The Star Spangled Banner") 00:07:59.927 --> 00:08:04.344 (howling "The Star Spangled Banner") 00:08:05.247 --> 00:08:06.935 I can't hit this high note. 00:08:06.935 --> 00:08:09.933 (howling "The Star Spangled Banner") 00:08:09.933 --> 00:08:11.089 (clears throat harshly) 00:08:11.089 --> 00:08:15.506 (howling "The Star Spangled Banner") 00:08:25.017 --> 00:08:27.550 - What is this show? (laughing) 00:08:27.550 --> 00:08:30.090 - That does it for us here on "Breaking News," 00:08:30.090 --> 00:08:32.210 but before we go, we'll let you know 00:08:32.210 --> 00:08:35.080 that today's loser is Grant. (Grant gurgles) 00:08:35.080 --> 00:08:37.261 Grant, is there anything you'd like to add? 00:08:37.261 --> 00:08:40.640 - We're all the same age, we're all the same age. 00:08:40.640 --> 00:08:42.300 - That's not true. - Grant, you're 44. 00:08:42.300 --> 00:08:44.022 - I'm distinctly younger than you. 00:08:44.022 --> 00:08:45.660 - Oh. (gurgling) 00:08:45.660 --> 00:08:47.939 - Grant remembered voting in the Reagan election. 00:08:47.939 --> 00:08:48.772 (Grant chuckles softly)