WEBVTT

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- [Narrator] From West
Hollywood, California

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the only news team that
doesn't know what's

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on the teleprompter before they read it.

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Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points.

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This is "Breaking News".

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- Hello, and welcome
back to "Breaking News",

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a show where everything's made

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up and the points don't matter.

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I'm your host, Drew Carey.

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- And I'm Jim Carey.

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(reporter giggles)

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Somebody stop me.

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Remember that from the mask?

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- I sure do Jim.

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Do you ever my catch phrase, it's

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"Get my underwear. I'm on fire."

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- Ah, the best.

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Hey, what was the plot of
the Drew Carey Show again?

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- Well, the Drew Carey
Show is really about

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an older white man living
in a bungalow house.

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Specifically, it's a bungalow
and he has his three friends

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Oswald,

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Harvey,

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and the shooter

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(everyone laughs)

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of JFK assassination.

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And they go on misadventures
and kiss each other at the end.

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- Absolutely. Boy, the 90s were great.

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I just do a bunch of
first-thought paintings

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of Republicans with captions
like "Sarah Suckabee Sanders"

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- I've got that beat.

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I'm a photographer for
Major League Soccer.

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That's true. Look it up.

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- Hey, we both seem happy.

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Our top story tonight,
some dumb-ass Zoomer had

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the audacity to ask a
millennial how old they were

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and then say, "Oh wow,
you don't look that old."

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- Oh, the Gen Z idiot actually

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thought that was a compliment.

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- I'll tell you what,

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that whole generation is a pack of heels.

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They probably don't even
have an emotional connection

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to us, Drew and Jim Carey.

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That's us.

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- Impossible. I host "The Price is Right".

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What do Zoomers love more
than daytime television?

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- Takis.

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And taking selfies,

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where the only thing in
frame is their forehead.

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- When reached for comment,
the Zoomers' leader

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Zendaya said, "We bear
millennials no ill will.

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You won't fear us.

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You fear your own ever closer death,

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(reporter giggles)

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but we together are the future
and can make it our own."

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- Oh, whatever.

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I hope Greta Thuneberg's
boat hits an iceberg.

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- There aren't any more icebergs.

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That's her whole thing.

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Not like in every Zoomer's
favorite movie, Titanic.

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- We go now to a carrey

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that Gen Z is sure to
connect with, John Kerry.

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John, what's happening?

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(reporters laughing)

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- Oh yeah, that's me.

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(laughter)

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Oh, I just (report laughs)

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(all laughing)

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I just made a new friend.

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- Oh, yeah? Who?

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- Oh, no.

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(everyone laughing)

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- Oh! That is terrifying.

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- He's a very dapper
gentleman named Chris Pine.

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But not the actor,

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he's named that because he's made of pine.

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Would you like to interview him?

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- Oh, I'd be delighted.

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But if I see your lips move,
I'm gonna make you start over.

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- We both will.

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And we'll enforce it very strictly.

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Chris, where are you from?

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- (murmuring)

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Oakland.

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(everyone laughing)

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- That's a great food city.

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Do you have a favorite
restaurant in Oakland?

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- Oh no.

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(everyone laughing)

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I do. My favorite restaurant
is Paul's Paninis.

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I do. My favorite restaurant
is Paul's Paninis.

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You should try the pepper,
parsley, and parsnip panini.

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You should try the pepper,
parsley, and parsnip panini.

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(reporter laughs)

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Also, their potato

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(murmuring as doll)

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Potato

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pumpkin

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pretzels

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(murmuring as doll)

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and their

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(laughter)

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Pepperoni

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(murmuring as doll)

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- Whoops, I saw your lips move.

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Try that again.

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- Potato (murmurs) pretzels,
pepperoni (murmurs)

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Maybe that's not working.

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- No.

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- Maybe?

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- (murmuring as doll)

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Potato pumpkin pretzels,

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their pepperoni pastrami pita,

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and their poppy papaya pancakes.

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- Nailed it.

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(reporter laughs)

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- Do you do any impressions, Chris?

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- Ahh!

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(murmuring as doll)

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Yes! Yes!

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Actually I do an impression of you,

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Jim Carey.

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- Oh yeah?

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Let's see it.

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(murmuring as doll)

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Alrighty than!

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(everyone is laughing)

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Alrighty than!

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You must be the monopoly guy.

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You must be the monopoly guy.

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- Jim Carey is known as more of a

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rubber face than that,

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can you try that again?

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- I'm sorry.

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It's disgusting habit.

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They're all from "Pet Detective."

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(everyone laughs)

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- That is astounding.

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Thanks Chris.

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(reporter laughs)

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And thank you.

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2004 Democratic presidential
nominee, John Kerry,

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(reporters laugh)

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we turn now to our cranky veteran newsman,

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Russell Kerry,

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for an Andy Rooney'esque tirade

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about the way things ought to be

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- Presbyterians.

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(reporter laughing)

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I've had about enough of them.

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- Mmm.

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- Not the religion, the cocktail.

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Did you know that there's a
cocktail called a Presbyterian?

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Well, they don't have
enough ginger ale in them.

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- Mmm.

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I'll tell you something else.

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Everyone could cool it about seafood.

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I don't like seafood.

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So what, that's some kind
of moral failing now?

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Take a hike.

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Here's another problem I have.

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These big cars that everyone drives now.

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These SUVs, they never offered me rides,

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even though I know they have the space.

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(reporter chuckles)

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Those big back seats, come on.

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(reporter giggles)

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And let me get something off my chest.

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When I come home from the grocery store,

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I don't want to hear it from my wife

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about how I should have bought
bigger clams and oysters.

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They only have the little ones.

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I'll give you an example
of a thing that bothers me.

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(reporter laughs)

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The bells on the steeple of
a church don't swing much.

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It mostly just the part
of the inside that moves.

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They look so much better

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if they were swinging.

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And here's something for you,

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our middle fingers should be longer

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than our pointer fingers.

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The pointer finger is the main finger.

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It should be the longest, but
you still have these fools

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out here talking about intelligent design.

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(reporter laughs)

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Brother, 1 more thing before I go.

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what is the last time you saw a fox?

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We were all led to believe by cartoons

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that foxes would be common as squirrels.

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But here we are basically fox-less.

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They're more dangerous
because they're bigger?

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I'd have no way of knowing personally,

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that's for sure.

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- Wow. Thanks Russ.

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- That does it for us before we go,

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today's loser is,

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Amy.

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So they have to do hoe down

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with me and Ryan Stiles.

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(reporter laughs)

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- Doo doo doo, doo doo doo

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- Oye,

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here I go today on the seashore.

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- You know what?

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That ventriloquism listen to half bad.

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(ticking as doll)