WEBVTT

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- [Announcer] From West
Hollywood, California,

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the only news team that doesn't know

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what's on the teleprompter

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before they read it.
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Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points.

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This is "Breaking News."
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- Hello, and welcome to "Breaking News,"

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the show where we don't know
what we're about to say,

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and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh.

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I'm Absolutely Breathtaking.
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- And I am The Other.

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(giggling)
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(laughing)
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- Hmm, hmm.

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Tonight, the incredible story (giggles)

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of a dog who managed to call 911 (laughs)

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when his owner (giggling)

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I'm just going to roll through this.

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When his owner wouldn't shut the fuck up

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about soylent.

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- And, we catch up with
the guy who (laughs)

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called me a nasty little bastard

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on Instagram last week

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to see if he's so goddamn tough in person.

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- But our top story tonight

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is an inspiring tale of
athletic achievement.

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An Indiana man just became the biggest

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dumbass ever to summit Mount Everest.

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- [Male Announcer] That's right.

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Brian Miller of Indianapolis, Indiana

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reached the peak of the
mountain this Monday,

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all despite the fact
that he has straight-up

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shit for brains.

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(laughing)

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- Sources close to Brian report that

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he is a big-time idiot

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who loves to do things like

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trying to ride a large dog like a horse,

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getting his head stuck between

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the posts of a fence,

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and screaming because he thought

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he saw a monster,

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but it was really just one of those

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really big potted plants.

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(both laughing)
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(laughing)

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- According to his climbing partner,

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when he (laughs)
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When he summited the mountain,

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he said "Oh yeah!"
(laughs)

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like the Kool-Aid Man,

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and (laughs)

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And (laughs) immediately afterward,

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pissed his pants.
(laughing)

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- Just amazing.

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This achievement will surely

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be an inspiration to idiots everywhere.

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- Well said, Other.

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Now, with a special report

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on some fascinating health news.

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We have a reporter in the field,

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Outstanding Debut.

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Outstanding?

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- Thanks.

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Absolutely.

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I'm (laughs)
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That's your name.

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I'm here at St. Katie's Hospital,

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where for the first time ever,

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a group of surgeons has

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successfully removed a man's arm

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and run away with it.

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Craig De La Daniel went to the hospital

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for a routine tonsillectomy
yesterday morning,

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but his team of doctors
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immediately became
preoccupied with his arm,

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which he says they called
"a gorgeous specimen,"

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"Too good to be true,"

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and "The 'The Beatles' of arms,"

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- Sounds like one beautiful arm.

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- That's right.

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In an incredibly risky procedure,

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the doctors sawed off the limb

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and ran out of the hospital with it,

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screaming "Time to hit Cabo, baby!"

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"We're gonna take this arm to the ocean!"

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"Kiss our asses, suckers!"

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"We've been waiting for
this day for years."

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"Free arm!"

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"Free arm!"

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"Woop! Woop! Woop!"

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- Wow, good for them.

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- Good indeed.

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This groundbreaking surgery could

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pave the way for doctors around the world

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to run off with whatever
body parts they like

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and have the time of
their sad little lives.

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We all know that doctors are
the saddest professionals.

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Right, guys?
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They were big-time nerds in high school

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and only became doctors

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because of an utter
lack of imation (laughs)

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Imagination for what
their lives could be like.

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Becoming a doctor- jesus,
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much like becoming a lawyer,

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says to the world

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"I have no vision for what my short time

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on this earth will be
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other than what society tells me.

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I'm a sad sheep and one day

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my unremarkable death will be forgotten

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in a very short time."
(laughs)

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- Wow, what a story.

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Thanks, Outstanding.

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- No problem.

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I'm Outstanding Debut,

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and I read-a the news.

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(laughing)

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- Ah, Italian accent.

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In just a few minutes,

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we'll hear from a generous little boy

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who raised five-thousand dollars

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for tall people before finding out

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that being tall isn't a problem.

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- And later, we'll bust some

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common misconceptions about

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my Nonna Ernesta. (laughs)

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- [Male Announcer] But right now,

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we're gonna hear from our
entertainment reporter,

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Moose Guy.

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Moose?

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- It's me. I'm Moose Guy.

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(laughs)

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And I'm hear to give
you the Moose Guy take

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on all things entertainment.

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Right now, I'd like to get
something off my chest.

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I never saw "It: Chapter Two."

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I know I gave a report on it last week

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and called it "The biggest sack of shit

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to hit theaters since the movie

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about that awful man named Shrek."

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(laughing)

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The truth is, I made up that review

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because I never saw "It: Chapter Two."

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And I apologize from
the bottom of my heart.

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I'm sorry I said that the clown in

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"It: Chapter Two" looked like

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he probably had a big butt.

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I'm sorry that I said the children

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acting in the movie
were less talented than

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Howie Mandel,

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and then elaborated to explain

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that I personally consider Howie Mandel

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to be the worst performer
of the twenty-first century.

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I'm sorry that I said
that "It: Chapter Two"

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was so bad it made me go home

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and light my wife's
favorite candle on fire.

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Not the wick part, but the candle itself,

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ruining it.
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I did not actually do that.

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The candle is still intact.

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I am sorry for the way
I deceived all of you.

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- That's a major confession, Moose Guy.

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I have to know,

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what caused you to miss the movie?

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- I am ashamed to say that I was at

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a different theater that I walked into,

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where I was seeing "Shrek" again.

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(gasps)
- How humiliating!

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Thanks for your report, Moose Guy.

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- Moose Guy, out.

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- After this we'll hear about

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a fascinating new conversation program

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that pairs whales up with pandas (laughs)

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to see if they can get that whole thing

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figured out on their own.
(laughing)

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But first,

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this week's loser is me.

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It was me.

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Surprise, everyone.

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Thanks for watching.

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Buh-bye.

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(sighing)
- [Both] Good game, good game.

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- That was a tough one.

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- That was hard.

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- That was a tough one.

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- That's what I said.

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- But it's funny when
she says it! (laughs)

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- Why's it funny when she-

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(laughing)

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- [Female Reporter] (snorts)

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