WEBVTT

1
00:00:00.200 --> 00:00:02.540
- [Announcer] From West
Hollywood, California.

2
00:00:02.540 --> 00:00:04.340
The only news team that doesn't know

3
00:00:04.340 --> 00:00:07.030
what's on the teleprompter
before they read it.

4
00:00:07.030 --> 00:00:10.050
Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points

5
00:00:10.050 --> 00:00:12.767
This is, 'Breaking News'.

6
00:00:14.940 --> 00:00:16.340
- Hello and welcome to Breaking News,

7
00:00:16.340 --> 00:00:18.540
the show where we have no
idea what we're about to say

8
00:00:18.540 --> 00:00:20.390
and aren't even allowed to smile or laugh.

9
00:00:20.390 --> 00:00:21.560
I'm Steven Applesauce.

10
00:00:21.560 --> 00:00:23.460
- And I'm like a Hot Wolf Blitzer.

11
00:00:23.460 --> 00:00:24.293
- We're going to straight

12
00:00:24.293 --> 00:00:25.420
(laughs)
we're gonna go

13
00:00:25.420 --> 00:00:26.520
ah fuck,

14
00:00:26.520 --> 00:00:28.190
we're gonna go straight
to our cooking segment,

15
00:00:28.190 --> 00:00:29.470
with Tom Knob.

16
00:00:29.470 --> 00:00:30.303
- Thank you.

17
00:00:30.303 --> 00:00:31.136
For today's segment,

18
00:00:31.136 --> 00:00:33.770
I'm going to show you how to
make a peanut butter sandwich

19
00:00:33.770 --> 00:00:35.113
using a bowling ball.

20
00:00:46.800 --> 00:00:50.060
To get started, you're gonna
wanna take your bowling ball,

21
00:00:50.060 --> 00:00:52.215
I use a eight pound ball.

22
00:00:52.215 --> 00:00:55.530
And then, you're gonna
have your peanut butter

23
00:00:55.530 --> 00:00:56.690
and your bread.

24
00:00:56.690 --> 00:00:59.270
And to get started, you just sort of,

25
00:00:59.270 --> 00:01:01.551
well, obviously get the
peanut butter out of the,

26
00:01:01.551 --> 00:01:04.830
of the thing of peanut butter, with,

27
00:01:04.830 --> 00:01:05.880
- How do you do that?

28
00:01:11.802 --> 00:01:14.052
(laughter)

29
00:01:15.056 --> 00:01:18.573
- I'm a peanut butter guy, so
I like a lot of peanut butter.

30
00:01:20.010 --> 00:01:24.590
And then, get it off of there.

31
00:01:24.590 --> 00:01:26.769
You're gonna get it off of there.

32
00:01:26.769 --> 00:01:28.590
- It looks like you just moved it around.

33
00:01:28.590 --> 00:01:30.710
- And then this is one sandwich.

34
00:01:30.710 --> 00:01:31.813
- Oh, you fold it.

35
00:01:36.185 --> 00:01:39.273
- And then you're just
gonna get it off of there.

36
00:01:39.273 --> 00:01:41.640
(laughs)

37
00:01:41.640 --> 00:01:43.057
- And then fold it, of course.

38
00:01:43.057 --> 00:01:43.890
- And then fold it.

39
00:01:43.890 --> 00:01:44.723
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay.

40
00:01:44.723 --> 00:01:45.556
- And,

41
00:01:47.530 --> 00:01:49.530
that's pretty much all I have over here.

42
00:01:49.530 --> 00:01:51.305
- What makes you think this
is useful information for

43
00:01:51.305 --> 00:01:53.282
our audience to know?

44
00:01:53.282 --> 00:01:55.393
- Well, you just...

45
00:01:55.393 --> 00:01:57.720
(laughter)

46
00:01:57.720 --> 00:02:02.272
I think when you, are first
on your own in your life,

47
00:02:02.272 --> 00:02:05.240
and you're trying to figure out
how to provide for yourself,

48
00:02:05.240 --> 00:02:07.870
you're gonna want to learn how
to make a couple of basics.

49
00:02:07.870 --> 00:02:10.230
You're gonna have to get
your own bowling ball,

50
00:02:10.230 --> 00:02:12.230
you're gonna have to get
your own peanut butter,

51
00:02:12.230 --> 00:02:14.190
and you're gonna have
to get it off of there.

52
00:02:14.190 --> 00:02:15.023
(laughter)

53
00:02:15.023 --> 00:02:17.290
- No you leave my mother out of this!

54
00:02:17.290 --> 00:02:19.380
- Now, we understand there's
a crazy story behind why

55
00:02:19.380 --> 00:02:22.030
you had to learn this, something
about a hostage situation?

56
00:02:22.030 --> 00:02:23.230
Tell us about that.

57
00:02:23.230 --> 00:02:27.120
- Well, when I was 19 I was
on my own for the first time

58
00:02:27.120 --> 00:02:30.450
and I was, going into
a Bed Bath and Beyond

59
00:02:30.450 --> 00:02:33.110
to buy a couple of things for myself,

60
00:02:33.110 --> 00:02:35.290
and that's when the Bed Bath and Beyond

61
00:02:35.290 --> 00:02:36.770
got taken over by terrorists.

62
00:02:36.770 --> 00:02:39.870
In the Bed Bath and Beyond,
the only thing they wanted

63
00:02:39.870 --> 00:02:41.720
was a peanut butter sandwich,

64
00:02:41.720 --> 00:02:44.800
and I had to learn how to make
it on the spot, and I did.

65
00:02:44.800 --> 00:02:45.981
- And you saved everyone?

66
00:02:45.981 --> 00:02:47.130
- No.

67
00:02:47.130 --> 00:02:48.610
(laughter)

68
00:02:48.610 --> 00:02:49.443
- Fascinating.

69
00:02:49.443 --> 00:02:51.900
- Now over to Taylor
Wisekoff, who's in the woods,

70
00:02:51.900 --> 00:02:53.860
where the search and
rescue team is looking for

71
00:02:53.860 --> 00:02:56.360
the 50 year old woman who
went missing last week.

72
00:02:56.360 --> 00:02:57.220
Taylor.

73
00:02:57.220 --> 00:02:58.394
- Y'all know that bitch dead.

74
00:02:58.394 --> 00:03:00.240
(laughter)

75
00:03:00.240 --> 00:03:03.296
- Yes, but we have to go
on with this charade, so.

76
00:03:03.296 --> 00:03:06.620
- You know, when was the
last time a missing person

77
00:03:06.620 --> 00:03:08.710
was found alive in the woods?

78
00:03:08.710 --> 00:03:10.323
1990 never?

79
00:03:11.910 --> 00:03:15.140
- No matter how long it was,
we still owe it to our viewers.

80
00:03:15.140 --> 00:03:17.520
- We're in the woods!

81
00:03:17.520 --> 00:03:18.430
The woods!

82
00:03:18.430 --> 00:03:19.820
- Maybe she's just lost?

83
00:03:19.820 --> 00:03:20.670
- It's been a week!

84
00:03:20.670 --> 00:03:21.615
- Allegedly.

85
00:03:21.615 --> 00:03:22.448
- Fuck off!

86
00:03:22.448 --> 00:03:23.790
- Let's check back in with Tom,

87
00:03:23.790 --> 00:03:25.767
who's finally finished making sandwiches.

88
00:03:25.767 --> 00:03:27.970
- Oh thank God.

89
00:03:27.970 --> 00:03:29.240
- That's right, now we're going to learn

90
00:03:29.240 --> 00:03:31.290
how to peel an onion without a knife,

91
00:03:31.290 --> 00:03:33.467
and both of our hands in big mittens.

92
00:03:33.467 --> 00:03:35.003
- Say what?

93
00:03:37.500 --> 00:03:39.496
Now, I've shown you the basics.

94
00:03:39.496 --> 00:03:41.970
How to make a peanut butter sandwich.

95
00:03:41.970 --> 00:03:44.333
And now, I am going to,

96
00:03:44.333 --> 00:03:45.210
I forgot,

97
00:03:45.210 --> 00:03:48.900
peel this onion without hands or tools,

98
00:03:48.900 --> 00:03:50.550
using these mittens?

99
00:03:50.550 --> 00:03:52.513
These are not mittens, first off!

100
00:03:54.560 --> 00:03:56.220
What are these?

101
00:03:56.220 --> 00:04:00.113
So you're gonna need, two,
sort of, plasticky mittens,

102
00:04:01.070 --> 00:04:03.150
and then one onion.

103
00:04:03.150 --> 00:04:07.320
And you're just gonna, get that started.

104
00:04:07.320 --> 00:04:10.090
- Now you, don't use the
bowling ball for this right?

105
00:04:10.090 --> 00:04:12.017
- No, no, the bowling
balls not a part of this.

106
00:04:12.017 --> 00:04:12.850
- Okay.

107
00:04:12.850 --> 00:04:14.237
- This is a separate skill.

108
00:04:14.237 --> 00:04:16.595
And you're just gonna get it out of there.

109
00:04:16.595 --> 00:04:18.845
(laughter)

110
00:04:21.240 --> 00:04:22.690
- Now, I've been told that this is a

111
00:04:22.690 --> 00:04:24.560
technique you learned in the Navy.

112
00:04:24.560 --> 00:04:26.030
Can you tell us about your time there?

113
00:04:26.030 --> 00:04:26.863
- Sure.

114
00:04:26.863 --> 00:04:28.978
After not saving any of the hostages

115
00:04:28.978 --> 00:04:30.397
at the Bed Bath and Beyond,

116
00:04:30.397 --> 00:04:31.680
I found myself...

117
00:04:31.680 --> 00:04:32.570
- You didn't save any?

118
00:04:32.570 --> 00:04:33.477
- No, I got out.

119
00:04:33.477 --> 00:04:36.216
But, from there I was learning...

120
00:04:36.216 --> 00:04:39.323
- So you made them a peanut
butter sandwich and they killed,

121
00:04:39.323 --> 00:04:40.757
- And I took off!

122
00:04:40.757 --> 00:04:41.827
- They killed everyone else?

123
00:04:41.827 --> 00:04:43.180
- But I got out.

124
00:04:43.180 --> 00:04:44.890
And then that's when I decided,

125
00:04:44.890 --> 00:04:47.978
I should learn how to defend
myself, I'm going into the Nav.

126
00:04:47.978 --> 00:04:50.538
(laughter)

127
00:04:50.538 --> 00:04:53.677
And then you, get it out of there.

128
00:04:56.905 --> 00:05:00.165
Is this me?
(laughter)

129
00:05:00.165 --> 00:05:03.570
And, and from there I got
sent straight to the kitchen.

130
00:05:03.570 --> 00:05:07.770
Obviously, because I'm not
fast, I have no stamina,

131
00:05:07.770 --> 00:05:09.377
and I'm scared of any sort of fighting.

132
00:05:09.377 --> 00:05:12.670
And that's where they taught
me how to open an onion,

133
00:05:12.670 --> 00:05:13.510
just like this.

134
00:05:13.510 --> 00:05:14.623
- Open?
- Yeah.

135
00:05:17.446 --> 00:05:18.279
You.

136
00:05:18.279 --> 00:05:20.415
- Take it easy potty mouth!

137
00:05:20.415 --> 00:05:22.380
(laughter)

138
00:05:22.380 --> 00:05:23.770
- That about does it for me.

139
00:05:23.770 --> 00:05:26.910
Back to you two for your next
story on police brutality.

140
00:05:26.910 --> 00:05:29.600
- That's right, Wolf and
I will be demonstrating

141
00:05:29.600 --> 00:05:31.130
how to defend yourself if
you're ever in the middle

142
00:05:31.130 --> 00:05:34.240
of a, of catching a
beat down by the police.

143
00:05:34.240 --> 00:05:38.000
- We'll be demonstrating
this with Officer Watson.

144
00:05:38.000 --> 00:05:39.120
- As the police approach,

145
00:05:39.120 --> 00:05:41.460
you'll hear a bunch of
stereotypical police phrases like,

146
00:05:41.460 --> 00:05:43.782
'We eat shit like you for breakfast.'

147
00:05:43.782 --> 00:05:45.620
- What are five more phrases?

148
00:05:45.620 --> 00:05:48.097
- 'I'm gonna fuck your parents.'

149
00:05:49.143 --> 00:05:50.140
- That's one.

150
00:05:50.140 --> 00:05:52.950
- Yup, and now four more from me.

151
00:05:52.950 --> 00:05:55.357
The, 'I'm gonna wear you like a suit.'

152
00:05:58.130 --> 00:06:00.580
'I'll turn your bones into gravel.'

153
00:06:00.580 --> 00:06:01.413
- Three.

154
00:06:02.580 --> 00:06:04.360
- 'Ryan Cramer you're dead to me.'

155
00:06:04.360 --> 00:06:06.160
- That's four.

156
00:06:06.160 --> 00:06:08.990
- And, 'Oh boy, vampires!'

157
00:06:08.990 --> 00:06:10.690
- And when they come at you, like that,

158
00:06:10.690 --> 00:06:13.190
all you have to do are these
four self defense moves

159
00:06:13.190 --> 00:06:15.560
that I'll demonstrate
with Officer Watson here.

160
00:06:15.560 --> 00:06:18.850
So, if an officer comes and
puts your hand on you, like so,

161
00:06:18.850 --> 00:06:22.150
you say, 'You do not have the
right to touch me officer.'

162
00:06:22.150 --> 00:06:23.290
That's one thing you can do.

163
00:06:23.290 --> 00:06:25.513
Number two, if they put both hands on you,

164
00:06:26.840 --> 00:06:28.330
which they will do,

165
00:06:28.330 --> 00:06:31.160
you say, especially if
they've done this after

166
00:06:31.160 --> 00:06:32.430
they put the one hand on you, say

167
00:06:32.430 --> 00:06:34.720
'I already told you this
the first time, okay?

168
00:06:34.720 --> 00:06:36.500
That was a rule I explained before.'

169
00:06:36.500 --> 00:06:39.814
So, if they put three,
which, they are apt to do.

170
00:06:39.814 --> 00:06:41.300
You're, I'm gonnna need some help here,

171
00:06:41.300 --> 00:06:42.450
can you grab the third?

172
00:06:44.920 --> 00:06:45.939
That is when you explain,

173
00:06:45.939 --> 00:06:48.360
'Listen, I have said this
twice already, you do not put

174
00:06:48.360 --> 00:06:50.230
any sort of,' and then that happens.

175
00:06:50.230 --> 00:06:53.377
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, eh, hey
- And then you say 'Easy'

176
00:06:53.377 --> 00:06:54.210
- Hey!

177
00:06:54.210 --> 00:06:56.120
Ey!

178
00:06:56.120 --> 00:06:57.720
- And that's actually all legal.

179
00:06:59.320 --> 00:07:01.230
- Well, that's all the
time we have before we go,

180
00:07:01.230 --> 00:07:03.765
we'll announce that this
weeks loser is Kellen!

181
00:07:03.765 --> 00:07:04.598
- Horseshit
- Ey!

182
00:07:04.598 --> 00:07:05.480
- Horseshit!

183
00:07:05.480 --> 00:07:06.680
- [Wolf] Thanks for watching.

184
00:07:06.680 --> 00:07:08.135
- Good boy, yes, you can have that.

185
00:07:08.135 --> 00:07:08.968
(howling)

186
00:07:08.968 --> 00:07:10.370
- Yes, good boy!

187
00:07:10.370 --> 00:07:11.880
- Does anybody want some
onion, or sandwiches?

188
00:07:11.880 --> 00:07:13.080
- I will eat a sandwich!

189
00:07:14.249 --> 00:07:15.820
Thank you.

190
00:07:15.820 --> 00:07:16.844
- I'll have onion.

191
00:07:16.844 --> 00:07:17.910
- Off that, off that bowling ball?

192
00:07:17.910 --> 00:07:19.135
- Oh, here's the onion for you.

193
00:07:19.135 --> 00:07:20.050
- Yeah, wonderful.
- Take a big bite.

194
00:07:20.050 --> 00:07:20.883
- No thank you.

195
00:07:23.576 --> 00:07:25.303
- I'll have a little onion.

196
00:07:25.303 --> 00:07:26.681
(laughter)