WEBVTT

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- From West Hollywood, California,

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the only news team that doesn't know

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what's on the teleprompter
before they read it.

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Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points.

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This is Breaking News.

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- Hello and welcome to Breaking News.

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The show where we don't know
what we're about to say,

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and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh.

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I'm Bucko.

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Fuck!

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I'm Bucko the Beppo.

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- And I'm Another Remix of Old Town Road.

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- Tonight, no one wants to eat

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the last pickle from the pickle jar,

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but it's taking up room in the fridge.

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- And we talked to our special guest,

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a middle school student having trouble

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getting her cello off the bus.

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- Damn, that thing is
just clanging around.

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- It can't fit down the aisle.

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- Her little arms are no match

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for the awesome weight of the cello.

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- We love and fear the cello.

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- All hail the cello.

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- [All] All hail the cello!

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- And if you like cellos,
you'll love new cello chigglers.

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- C-E-L-L-O, it's alive!

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- All hail cello chigglers.

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- [All] All hail cello chigglers!

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- And now our top story.

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- Uh-oh, don't say "happy Honda-days".

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According to one idiot,
this innocuous phrase

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is part of the war on Cars-mas.

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- Yes, this utter moron thinks the media

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trying to erase Cars-mas in favor

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of secular events like Toyota-thon,

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the Chevy Year-end Clearance Event,

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and the Kia Solstice.

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- He also seems insulted
by the acknowledgement

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of other religious celebrations

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like Hanukkah, Kwanzaa,

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but with monster trucks and Cars-mas

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in July in December.

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- This is stupid and we should move on.

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- Agreed!

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In entertainment news,

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we've got a special report

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from correspondent Mister Butterworth.

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- I'm married to syrup.

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(chuckling)

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My beautiful wife.

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She is syrup.

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People always wanna know
where's Mister Butterworth?

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Well, I'm right here baby,

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and I, I love my syrup wife.

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- That's very sweet.

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- Wink.

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- No.

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(laughing)
- I think you were

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supposed to wink, not say the word "wink".

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- No, it's written as the word wink.

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- Nah man, you fucked up.

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- Hey Disney fans!

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(laughing)

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Buckle the fuck up, 'cause it's time

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for the live-action remake

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of "Homeward Bound: The
Incredible Journey".

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Critics say that the old
movie was already live action,

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and the new one is computer animated,

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but one thing's for sure:

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syrup's my wife.

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In other news,

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I'm launching my own master class

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to teach you how to
master different accents.

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Hello matey!

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Whether you're talking in an Australian.

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(mumbles)

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Poppy poppy poppy!

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Or like you're from Merry Old England.

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'Ello, 'ello!

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Or even a different region
of Merry 'Ol England.

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Hello, listen to me.

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I am so sick of you.

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You're sure to find an
accent that's right for you.

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Or as they say in Ireland,

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all hail cello chigglers.

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- [All] All hail cello chigglers.

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- Goodbye.

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- You say goodbye, and I say cello.

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- Cello, cello.

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- I don't know why you say
goodbye I say upright bass.

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- I'm sorry to interrupt,

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Another Remix of Old Town Road.

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- I was done anyway.

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- But we've got breaking news

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coming in from my ass.

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(laughs)

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We turn to our reporter
in the field in the ass,

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The Queen of Beans,

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a woman who spells her name with 15 o's:

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it's Ooooooooooooooo!

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- Thanks, Bucko!

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I'm Ooooooooooooooo,

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and I'm here in your ass
like it ain't no thing.

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A magic teacher used her school bus

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to shrink me and put me here

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for reasons I can't possibly comprehend.

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- Gross.

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- (fake laughs)

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I'm married to syrup.

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- Can you tell us what the
situation looks like there?

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- Well, Bucko I'm not gonna lie.

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It's pretty grim,

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but I think it will ultimately be fine

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in the end.

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- [All] Boo! Boo!

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Boo!

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Before we go,

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I'd like to announce our loser

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who couldn't stop breaking.

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That person is Patrick!

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Thanks for watching.

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- Oh I love my syrup wife!

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It's supposed to be New Zealand.

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I love my syrup, oh I love my syrup wife.

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- I'm offended by this.

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- Oh, I love my syrup wife.

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(laughing)