WEBVTT

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- [Narrator] From West
Hollywood California!

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The only news team that
doesn't know what's

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on the teleprompter before they read it.

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Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points.

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This is, Breaking News.

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(transition music)

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- Good evening everyone!

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Welcome to Breaking News,
the show where we have

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no idea what we're about to say and

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we aren't allowed to smile or laugh.

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I am body swapped with
a twelve year old boy,

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somebody please help me
this body is old as hell.

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- And I'm Stuart Big.

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Our first story of the evening,

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the Twin Fields Mall
is finally closing its'

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doors after twenty-five years.

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Residents will no longer
be able to go and try

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to tap the directory
thing but it won't listen,

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not everything needs to be a touchscreen.

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- The Twin Fields Mall?

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That's where I went second
base for the first time,

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that was last week, I'm twelve years old.

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I should be in school, right now.

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- No more going to the Apple store and

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challenging the so-called, "geniuses."

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- When I go to the Apple store,

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I find the biggest iPad they have and

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subscribe to a bunch of Patreon's

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on my step-dad's credit card,

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I'm twelve!

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- And lastly, mall fans
will now sadly have to

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go elsewhere to get
their authentic Japanese

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cuisine found in the food court.

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- SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP ME!

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- Maybe later.

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- In personal news, I miss my mommy.

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(wheezing laughter)

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I don't know how to drive and I had

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to do it to get here.

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(giggling)

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And on top of all of
that, I look like shit.

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(laughing)

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I mean seriously look at
me, I was a hot twelve

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year old,

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(stifled laughter)

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We can say that?

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- I think the twelve year
old can think they're hot.

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- Maybe, what is this?

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Now I've got this face that
sucks and body to match,

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I'm being very mean to
whoever's body this is.

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- Democracy dies in darkness.

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(laughter)

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Now, onto the latest in gaming!

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- Thanks, thanks so much Stewart!

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(laughter)

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- Try the face.

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- No.

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- Ohh, it begins.

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- Uh, thanks so much Stewart.

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Man this gaming stuff
just keeps getting better,

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there's a very popular
game franchise that has

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dancing, I'm not allowed
to say the name of it

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but it's one you can
play in a fort at night.

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There are a bunch of
dances that I think should

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be in that game, again
these are dances that I

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think should be in that game but are not

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as doing those dances would violate the

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copyright of this very litigious game.

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And again I haven't named the game,

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it could be any game
that would be great fun

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to play, for tonight.

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This first dance is
called, "the bunny bounce."

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- Great, let's see it.

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- And then,

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(stifled laughter)

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- That's it, that's it, you just go to

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the right and to the left.

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Oh man!

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I crushed that, time
for another, this one's

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called, "absolutely fucking go nuts."

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(gibberish)

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(laughter)

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- Whoa there are lyrics?

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(continuous laughter)

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- There are lyrics to the dance!

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- Oh yeah, oh yeah.

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- Woogity boogity.

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- I was just saying woogity boogity.

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(laughter)

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- Do the face, do the face.

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(laughter)

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- Nope, okay okay.

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Oh wow, I'm not tired at all!

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Oh no, this one's called,
"the Steinfeld but not

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the Elane" dance.

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(laughter)

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- Is that a knife?

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(wheezing laughter)

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- I just, I panicked
and now I'm leaning in.

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(crying laughter)

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- Oh a very very
reserved, "the sprinkler."

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- He's got a microphone, that's what I

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- I thought that was a knife.

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- Got a microphone and
you're doing comedy so

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you're kind of panicking, okay um

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(coughing)

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(continues laughing)

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- You are crushing!

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(deep breath)

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- And that was just the first half of

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(giggling)

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- Ahhh, here's the

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(laughter)

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- Here's the very own, oh no!

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Here's the very different second half

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(laughter)

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Yeah, yeah.

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- In which part of Seinfeld's career

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does that relate to?

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- Oh I forgot!

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(continues laughing)

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- I forgot it was Seinfeld, I mean

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(wheezing laugh)

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(gibberish)

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- I don't know, the
early part of Seinfeld,

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(deep breaths)

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I could go all night and I might.

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- Sorry, what's the name of
this next dance coming up?

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- Here's "how I fuck."

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(laughter)

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- No no,

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- IT'S THE SAME AS THE!

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- That looks very similar to
part two of the Seinfeld dance!

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- WOW, incredible!

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- Yeahh, yeah.

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- Wow!

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- Wow that sucked, I
absolutely hated that.

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This is how I fuck.

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(wheezing laughter)

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- Now I do want to point
out that I'm technically

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anchor one, Rekha just
really wanted to do this.

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(laughter)

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- Rekha,

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- Oh no! Wow!

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- No no,

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- This is getting,

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- No I think Rayken really,

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Should we switch for the
rest of this segment?

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- You have to get up!

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You know what, you have
to, twelve year old

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you have to get up and do that, I think!

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I think that's bout criers right?

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- No I think we dodged a bullet there.

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- Wow this is getting me all horned up.

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In other news the Twin
Fields Mall has just been

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saved, thanks to the
generous donation from

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the towns beloved billionaire,

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we cut now live to said billionaire.

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- Thanks, I have purchased
the Twin Fields Mall

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and I'm going to tear it down because

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I'm starting my own
country, the laws in my new

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country are extensive and ruthless,

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I will lay them out now.

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Rule number one, handshakes
for men, hugs for women.

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This is the main reason
I'm starting a new country.

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(laughter)

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- Sorry what?

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(more laughter)

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I'm going fully off
script, what happens when a

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man and women introduce
themselves to each other?

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- I'll show you.

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(laughter)

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Number two!

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(laughter)

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Prime is spine,

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- Later, I guess!

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- Crime is fine but don't go nuts with it.

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Number three, you don't need to ask for

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permission to go to the bathroom,

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you can just go!

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- Aww, nice!

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- And number four, we
will only air Tarantino

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movies without all the weird foot scenes.

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- Oh no!

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That's right, I'm twelve
and horny for feet already.

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In fact in this body,
I feel shame about that

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which means this person needs to work

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on their sex positivity.

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- You certainly have a lot going on,

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kind of exhausting for me.

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- Yes, I think exhausting for all of us.

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Ah all right, anyways, surprising nobody

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this weeks loser is, and returning champ,

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Amy Vorpahl!

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(light clapping)

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Oh god.

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- That's feels, that feels right.

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- Transcendent joy,
thank you to everyone for

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watching, this is been Breaking News.

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- And Amy if I'm correct
there's a third part

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to that Seinfeld dance?

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- Yeah, and don't forget this is Seinfeld.

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(howling laughter)

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- He's taking a bow, he's
basking in his riches,

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he's driving comedians.

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- He's rich and he wants
comedians to get in his car.