WEBVTT

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- [Narrator] From West
Hollywood, California,

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the only news team that doesn't know

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what's on the teleprompter
before they read it.

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Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points.

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This is Breaking News.

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(dramatic music)

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- Welcome back to Breaking News,

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the show where we don't
know what we're about to say

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and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh.

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I'm Taylor West.

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- And I'm Kanye Swift.

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What are the odds the two of
us would be paired together?

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(point buzzer)

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Crazy!

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- Well there's a new
sheriff in town, literally.

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The county supervisors
responding to an uptick in crime

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have installed old-timey
sheriff Wild Bill Bronson.

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- He's straight out of 1800s Old West

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and has the chafed thighs to prove it.

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When asked about his plan
to address street crime,

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he said, "I plan to put it in God's hands

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and if an outlaw needs to find God,

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my pistol can arrange an introduction."

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- Wild Bill will have
a lot to contend with

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as the city has been
under siege from Bad Brian

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and the Bad Brian boys.

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- He's a Bad Brian.

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- That's for sure,

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but by no means the baddest Brian.

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The top 10 baddest Brians are, in order:

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Brian Mulaney,

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Brian Bill Hickock,

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Brian Wayne Gacy,

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Brian,

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Brian von Ryan,

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Brian Hitler,

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(laughing)

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(point buzzer)

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Brian Misdirected me

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and Brian Bonvivant.

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- Three more.

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- Brian...

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(point buzzer)

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(stammers)

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Wilson.

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Brian...

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(all laughing)

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Brian Bo Brian

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and Brian Grant O'Brien.

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- [Ally] Great.

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And let's not forget '80s DC band

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Bad Brains,

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which when written looks
a lot like Bad Brians.

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- Bad Brians, true.

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Great point.

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Wild Bill will be rounding
up a posse at dawn

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to ride out to Hangman's Pass.

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If anyone gets in his way,

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the Sheriff promisees to
introduce them to God.

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It's nice that he has a catchphrase.

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- Yeah.

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(point buzzer)

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A reporter asked the sheriff how that

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should sound to people

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in the age of police brutality,

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but everyone else told them to relax

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and just have fun with this.

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- In other news, the department of power

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expects rolling blackouts this weekend.

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Here with advice on how to make the most

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of being without electricity

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is our own Adele Dazeem.

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- Remember that reference?

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(point buzzer)

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It's from a while ago.

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- Grant wrote this one.

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(point buzzer)

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We don't need to wonder anymore.

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- We don't need to wonder anymore.

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- Thanks guys.

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I'm Adele Dazeem.

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When the power goes out,

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the best way to spend time

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is on the lost art of conversation.

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So when your lights and screens fail you,

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take a highball out on your stoop

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and ask your neighbors-

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- Grant wrote this.

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(point buzzer)

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(laughter)

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- Probing questions about themselves.

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Everyone loves that.

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Start with religion,

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everyone loves talking about that.

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Do they believe in God?

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If so, how can they possibly
believe in something

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they have no proof for?

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If not, what makes them
think they're smarter

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than almost every person
in all of history?

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If they have their kids with them,

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talk to their kids in a very familiar way.

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You're neighbors after all.

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Let's assume that goes well.

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I'm still talking,

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but it started a new box for me.

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The next thing to do is invite yourself

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into their apartment for a cup of coffee.

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And once you're inside,

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comment on the way their place smells.

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Does it smell like dog?

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Tell them!

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They might try to pivot
to something innocuous,

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like television.

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If they do that,

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be sure to throw out your hottest take.

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Like "Succession is overrated"

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This is Grant.

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"why is Soibhan with Tom anyway?

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He's such a fuck boy

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that it seems like more a plot device

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than a real relationship."

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Really dig in and insult
things your neighbor enjoys.

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People like to be challenged.

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When the power comes back on say:

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"Ooh I guess you can make me
another cup of coffee now"

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If there's a guest room,

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sleep there.

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Back to you Taylor and Kanye!

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- Thanks Adele.

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We now go to our food critic Jack Kemp.

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- Wasn't that the name of Bob
Dole's running mate in 1996?

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Another throwback!

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- Another Grant moment.

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- Thank you!

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I just had the misfortune
of dining a La Luna,

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the newest restaurant on Broad Street.

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Terrible!

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They kept trying to serve
me wine and seafood,

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but there refused to make me my favorite:

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a big bowl of oatmeal with a
lot of whipped cream on top.

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Luckily I have some here.

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- In the box you mean?

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It would be weird,

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this feels like Grant.

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(whipped cream canister gushing)

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(point buzzer)

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- It's weird that I can see it steaming.

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(point buzzer)

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- Its crazy how the cream collapses

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under the weight of more cream,

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so it all fits in the bowl.

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(point buzzer)

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Oh it's about to

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there it goes.

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(suspenseful music)

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- Mmm!

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(laughter)

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- The tiniest bite!

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- That's good.

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Back to you.

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(all laughing)

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- Jack we're a little short on time,

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I think you'd better eat that
twice as fast as you are.

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- Yeah speed it up Jack.

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Pick that bowl back up and eat faster.

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- Don't mind if I do.

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(point buzzer)

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I'm so sad this is almost over.

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- Kinda regretting

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putting all that whipped
cream on your bowl

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aren't you now Jack?

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- Nope.

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(point buzzer)

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It's actually really good.

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- Currently on our screens

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it says "finish the bowl

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and if anyone tries to move past this bit,

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I'm gonna flip out in real life."

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(point buzzer)

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(suspenseful music)

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- Now a lot of this did
feel like a Grant script,

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but Soibhan was spelled wrong

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and we have a mutual friend named Soibhan.

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- That's the most Grant
shit I can think of.

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(all laughing)

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(point buzzer)

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(erupting with laughter)

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(point buzzer)

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- That's the way the
character spells her name.

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- No, I don't think so.

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- So Grant did write this script.

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- [Ally] So Grant absolutely...

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Oh I'm sorry what has this script touched?

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Porridge,

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highballs,

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a Bob Dole reference,

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this is a Grant memoir.

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- Check it out:

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if that food's solid,

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it's not for Grant.

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(point buzzer)

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(suspenseful music)

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(point buzzer)

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(point buzzer)

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(bowl clatters)

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- Mmm, tasty.

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(all laughing)

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(point buzzer)

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And it'll look basically the same

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the entire way through my tummy.

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- Thanks Jack.

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Before we go,

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we'll announce that our loser this week

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is Ally.

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- [Ally] What?

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- [Mike] Because they
couldn't stop laughing.

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- No!

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- Thanks for watching.

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(burps)

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(all laughing)