WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.190 --> 00:00:02.600 - [Speaker] From West Hollywood, California, 2 00:00:02.600 --> 00:00:04.024 the only News team that doesn't know 3 00:00:04.024 --> 00:00:07.040 what's on the teleprompter before they read it. 4 00:00:07.040 --> 00:00:10.070 Anyone who laughs, or breaks loses points. 5 00:00:10.070 --> 00:00:12.767 This is "Breaking News." 6 00:00:14.600 --> 00:00:17.320 - Good morning fellow students at Riverview High School, 7 00:00:17.320 --> 00:00:18.700 and welcome to "Breaking News." 8 00:00:18.700 --> 00:00:20.610 It's the show where we don't know what we're about to say, 9 00:00:20.610 --> 00:00:22.500 and we're not allowed to smile or laugh. 10 00:00:22.500 --> 00:00:26.118 I'm Topher Humble, but you can call me The Night. 11 00:00:26.118 --> 00:00:28.120 (hisses) 12 00:00:28.120 --> 00:00:33.120 And I'm Steve Hobby, Captain of Varsity Football Team. 13 00:00:33.450 --> 00:00:34.370 Go Otters! 14 00:00:34.370 --> 00:00:36.233 Go, go, go Otters! 15 00:00:38.807 --> 00:00:40.963 I love high school. 16 00:00:44.160 --> 00:00:45.620 Your hair's too perfect. 17 00:00:45.620 --> 00:00:46.720 - Thank you very much. 18 00:00:48.250 --> 00:00:49.810 - Go Otters! 19 00:00:49.810 --> 00:00:51.090 - We have a lot to report today, 20 00:00:51.090 --> 00:00:52.560 so let's get right to it. 21 00:00:52.560 --> 00:00:54.240 Tragedy has struck our school, 22 00:00:54.240 --> 00:00:57.550 when a field trip to Medieval Times went off the rails. 23 00:00:57.550 --> 00:01:00.710 Senior Bobby Tan was mimicking fellatio on one 24 00:01:00.710 --> 00:01:02.610 of the giant turkey legs. 25 00:01:02.610 --> 00:01:03.900 Sure, it was hysterical, 26 00:01:03.900 --> 00:01:06.487 but it came at a price when he started choking 27 00:01:06.487 --> 00:01:08.460 on said turkey leg. 28 00:01:08.460 --> 00:01:10.090 The blue knight got off his stead, 29 00:01:10.090 --> 00:01:11.100 and started doing that thing 30 00:01:11.100 --> 00:01:12.450 where you whack people on the back 31 00:01:12.450 --> 00:01:13.950 to try and stop them from choking, 32 00:01:13.950 --> 00:01:16.393 which I will now demonstrate on Steve. 33 00:01:18.609 --> 00:01:19.442 (laughs) 34 00:01:19.442 --> 00:01:20.430 You get the idea. 35 00:01:20.430 --> 00:01:22.065 Anyway, Bobby died. 36 00:01:22.065 --> 00:01:22.898 - Tragic. 37 00:01:24.400 --> 00:01:27.400 Let's turn now to some lighter news. 38 00:01:27.400 --> 00:01:31.073 The class hamster, Virginia, is pregnant again. 39 00:01:32.568 --> 00:01:33.401 - Ah. 40 00:01:33.401 --> 00:01:34.234 - She going to have little babies. 41 00:01:34.234 --> 00:01:36.964 The babies are going to be this big. 42 00:01:36.964 --> 00:01:37.797 I'll give 'em a little kiss like this. 43 00:01:38.962 --> 00:01:41.620 Oh, I love them already. 44 00:01:41.620 --> 00:01:42.620 They're such cuties. 45 00:01:45.267 --> 00:01:47.210 She gonna have five babies. 46 00:01:47.210 --> 00:01:50.774 Their names are gonna be Toadstool, Bartholomew, 47 00:01:50.774 --> 00:01:55.774 Jeremy, Cuisinart, and Greg. 48 00:01:56.610 --> 00:01:57.970 - Everyone shut up! 49 00:01:57.970 --> 00:01:58.810 Shut up immediately. 50 00:01:58.810 --> 00:01:59.650 We got breaking news. 51 00:01:59.650 --> 00:02:03.400 We turn now to our cheer correspondent, Stacy McCool. 52 00:02:03.400 --> 00:02:04.897 Hi everyone! 53 00:02:04.897 --> 00:02:07.310 I have an emergency cheer to perform 54 00:02:07.310 --> 00:02:09.165 for all of you right now. 55 00:02:09.165 --> 00:02:09.998 (gasps) 56 00:02:09.998 --> 00:02:12.350 My asshole boyfriend, Doug, just broke up with me. 57 00:02:12.350 --> 00:02:13.183 - But you're so hot! 58 00:02:13.183 --> 00:02:15.830 - I know, I know, and he did it three weeks before the 59 00:02:15.830 --> 00:02:18.610 Summer-Spring Fling Winter Cotillion Dance-AThon, 60 00:02:18.610 --> 00:02:20.500 but Doug I hope you're watching, 61 00:02:20.500 --> 00:02:23.910 because this cheer is for you, okay? 62 00:02:23.910 --> 00:02:25.850 Fuck off, Doug! 63 00:02:25.850 --> 00:02:27.240 Fuck off, Doug! 64 00:02:27.240 --> 00:02:30.760 I'm hot and I always will be! 65 00:02:30.760 --> 00:02:32.980 You'll never see my again, Doug. 66 00:02:32.980 --> 00:02:35.410 - Great, we turn now to cool English teacher. 67 00:02:35.410 --> 00:02:36.860 Cool English Teacher, what's the weather? 68 00:02:36.860 --> 00:02:40.880 - Everybody get up on your desk! 69 00:02:40.880 --> 00:02:42.470 Get on up! 70 00:02:42.470 --> 00:02:44.050 Up on your desk! 71 00:02:44.050 --> 00:02:46.160 Come on, I'm not gonna ask again! 72 00:02:46.160 --> 00:02:48.280 Get up on your desk! 73 00:02:48.280 --> 00:02:50.710 Stand up and be free! 74 00:02:50.710 --> 00:02:52.256 This isn't your typical English class. 75 00:02:52.256 --> 00:02:54.400 Get up on your desk! 76 00:02:54.400 --> 00:02:55.580 - Cool English Teacher, 77 00:02:55.580 --> 00:02:57.480 what book did you just finish reading? 78 00:02:57.480 --> 00:03:01.030 - I just read "Leaves of Grass." 79 00:03:01.030 --> 00:03:02.150 - Did you like it? 80 00:03:02.150 --> 00:03:02.983 - I sure did. 81 00:03:02.983 --> 00:03:04.070 Let me give you a brief synopsis. 82 00:03:04.070 --> 00:03:06.245 It's about how grass grows. 83 00:03:06.245 --> 00:03:08.540 First stage, seeds. 84 00:03:08.540 --> 00:03:10.880 Second stage, a dog eats it. 85 00:03:10.880 --> 00:03:12.930 Third stage, the dog poops it out, 86 00:03:12.930 --> 00:03:15.100 and then more grass grows. 87 00:03:15.100 --> 00:03:18.314 Now, they call it "Leaves of Grass", but I haven't seen any. 88 00:03:18.314 --> 00:03:19.147 - Sounds great! 89 00:03:19.147 --> 00:03:21.080 - This is Walt Whitman's "Leaves of Grass"? 90 00:03:21.080 --> 00:03:24.700 - And here are the seven themes the book explores. 91 00:03:24.700 --> 00:03:25.533 - All right. 92 00:03:25.533 --> 00:03:27.800 - All right, first one, young adult. 93 00:03:27.800 --> 00:03:31.480 Second one, learning about magic. 94 00:03:31.480 --> 00:03:34.610 Third, sexual exploration. 95 00:03:34.610 --> 00:03:35.443 - Wow. 96 00:03:35.443 --> 00:03:37.090 - Yes, and how to find it. 97 00:03:37.090 --> 00:03:42.015 Fourth one, death. 98 00:03:42.015 --> 00:03:44.040 What is death? 99 00:03:44.040 --> 00:03:46.400 And fifth of all. 100 00:03:46.400 --> 00:03:47.430 - There's seven. 101 00:03:47.430 --> 00:03:48.263 - There's seven. 102 00:03:48.263 --> 00:03:49.400 I know there's seven, 103 00:03:49.400 --> 00:03:53.950 and the fifth one is garam masala spice. 104 00:03:53.950 --> 00:03:58.270 And the sixth one is what tip to tip a doorman. 105 00:03:58.270 --> 00:04:00.920 And the seventh one is, oh my God, 106 00:04:00.920 --> 00:04:03.780 there are some underwear in the back of this Uber. 107 00:04:03.780 --> 00:04:05.330 - Well, that's all the time we have. 108 00:04:05.330 --> 00:04:06.163 Before we go, 109 00:04:06.163 --> 00:04:08.822 we'll announce that today's loser is Tao. 110 00:04:08.822 --> 00:04:11.970 Thank you so much for watching. 111 00:04:11.970 --> 00:04:13.300 - Shouldn't read, no one should read. 112 00:04:13.300 --> 00:04:14.133 - No one should read. 113 00:04:14.133 --> 00:04:14.966 - No one should read. 114 00:04:14.966 --> 00:04:16.010 - If you take on thing from this. 115 00:04:16.010 --> 00:04:18.260 - Kids, I'm cool English Teacher, don't read.