WEBVTT

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- [Announcer] From West
Hollywood, California,

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the only news team that doesn't

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know what's on the teleprompter
before they read it.

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Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points.

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This is Breaking News!

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- Welcome to Breaking News.

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The show where we don't
know what we're about to say

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and we're not allowed to smile or laugh.

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I'm Glumbo Dumberson.

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- And my name is (Scream).

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- [Kellen] Our top
story tonight: hot dogs.

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Today the FDA announced that hot dogs

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are made of human flesh.

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- According to the FDI, we just

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inspected hot dogs and
(Tao snickers)

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it turns out they're made of people.

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They've been people this whole time.

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- It should have been obvious
that hot dogs aren't beef

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because hamburgers are beef
and hamburgers are brown.

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Hot dogs are red.

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Red is a different color than brown.

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Red is the color of human flesh.

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- But don't worry.

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The FDA said the hot dogs
are still totally safe

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and you should keep eating them.

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- Hot dogs are delicious
and they're super cheap.

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If you enjoyed hot dogs before

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you knew they were made of human corpses,

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it would be silly to stop eating now.

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Meat is meat!

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- Did the FDA say where the

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dead people in hot dogs come from?

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- Yes, apparently (laughs) apparently

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the hot dog industry and
the graveyard industry

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have been conspiring together.

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All the coffins buried
in graveyards are empty

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and the dead bodies are
sent to the hot dog factory.

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- Mmm, interesting.

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- Turning to our next story,

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"Check your house to see
if you own any dildos

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because a massive product
recall has just been declared

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for millions of dildos nationwide."

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Our chief dildo
(Kellen snickers)

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correspondent Haunch Toodles

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is live outside the headquarters
at Dildotech Incorporated,

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the company that issued the recall.

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- Thanks (Scream).

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Dildos were created to help humanity,

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but these dildos did the exact opposite.

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It's shocking to think that so many people

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have been hurt, so many lives shattered,

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all by something as innocent as a dildo.

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- But we're told the dildos were

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pretty good at being dildos.

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They worked great at doing the sexy stuff.

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- Yes, the dildos did a good job

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at their intended purpose of

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of poking people in their sin zones.

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Nobody got injured in their butt

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or in their groin, that was fine.

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The dildos are bad because
of unrelated problems

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that have nothing to do with sex.

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- I have a list of (breaks)

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all the dildos being taken off shelves.

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When I say the product name,
(Kellen snickers)

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can you tell me the non-sexual
reason it was recalled?

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- Okay, but remember,
despite being PG-13 rated,

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these dildo problems
are still very horrific.

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I warn everyone, when you
hear these dildo problems,

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you will probably scream
and puke and puke and scream

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and puke and puke and
scream and puke and puke

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and scream and scream and puke and scream.

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- Mmm, all right. Here
are the dildo names.

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First up is the Dowager's
(laughs) Preference.

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What was wrong with it?

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- Well, the Queen blessed it and therefore

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it could only work on the Queen herself.

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- So the Queen blessed it.

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Okay. Boston Jamboree?
(Kellin snorts)

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- Well, that was just a racist dildo.

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(laughter offscreen)

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- Interesting. Makes sense.

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The Eviscerater?

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- Well surprisingly, it's a misnomer.

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The Eviscerater actually was
too soft for sexual pleasure.

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Now that's a sexual reason.

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The non-sexual reason is
that it's made of lead.

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- Aw, no, I own the Eviscerater.

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It's my favorite dildo.

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- Okay, well then you
should probably get your

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regions checked for lead poisoning.

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- And finally, the Gary Sinise
Official Licensed Dildo.

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- Oh, this is the worst one yet.

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It only yells Lieutenant Dan
lines when you're using it,

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so if you don't want that being yelled

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into your anus or whatever other regions

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(laughs) that you would use a dildo.

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- What are the other regions?

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- You know, a potential vagina--

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- A potential vagina?

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(Kellen laughs)

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- Yes.

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- And so on.

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Your ears, I don't know.

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- Everyone in America is praying

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that dildos never mess up like this again.

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Thanks for that story, Haunch.

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- Back to you (Screams).

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- Now we turn to finance
reporter Mr. Money,

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who is at Wall Street with the latest info

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about Stock Market stuff.

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- Hello and good tidings.

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I am Mr. Money, and I will share

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my money secrets with you.

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- Stocks and bonds, that's
what we're here for.

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Lay it on us, baby.

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- Joy, joy! Joyous joy!

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I am pleased to say stock market is up!

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Economy is big!

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Oh so big, huge economy.

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Economy is big and swollen,
like a large blister.

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Soon blister will pop, and
the inside of the blister?

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The blister juice is money.

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- How are the numbers?

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- Oh, these numbers.

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Oh wow, wow, wow.

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The stock market numbers
today are so good.

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Guess what? We're all rich now.

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(applause)

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- [All] Huzzah! Huzzah!

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We're all rich now!

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- Now that I am rich, I'm
going to divorce my children

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and send them to the orphanage.

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- I am going to spend millions
of dollars to hunt a lion.

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And then I'll pose with
the lion's dead body

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and post the photo online,

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so everyone on the internet will hate me

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and doxx my address.

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And then I'll get death
threats mailed to my house,

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which is what I want.

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- Mr. Money, now that you are rich,

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what will you do with all your money?

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- Oh, I have big plans for my money.

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Here are the ten luxurious things

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I plan to do with my Wall Street fortune.

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Number one, buy a house.

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(Tao snickers)

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Number two, furniture for the house.

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(offscreen laughter)

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Number three, cool
wallpaper for the house.

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Number four, fill up everybody

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on my block's gas tank.

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Charity work, if you will.

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Number five.
- You got six more.

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- Food. Just a lot of food.

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Number six, some sort
of clothing, you know.

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Number seven...oh my God.

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Like a garden?

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(laughter)

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For the house.
- Just one?

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- [Kate] Number- just one.

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And then eight, some sort of
vegetable salad and then--

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- I thought you already had food.

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- [Kate] And then number nine--

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- You bought food and you have a garden?

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- [Kate] Yes.

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And then I have a vegetable salad.

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Number nine, an extra garage.

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(coughs) And then number
ten, just, you know, a trip.

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A vacation!

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- Nothing for your coworkers or anything?

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- Nope.

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- Wonderful, those are great plans.

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- Oh no, oh no. Terrible news!

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The numbers, the numbers are down!

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The stock market is destroyed!

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The economy is over!

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We're all poor now!

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- Oh well, the economy
was good while it lasted.

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And that's also the end of our show.

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For Breaking News, I'm Glumbo Dumberson.

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- And I'm (Scream)!

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- Before we go, we have
one last announcement.

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This week's loser who just couldn't

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hold it together is me!

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Kellen Schnieder! Hooray!

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- I thought your name was Glumbo?

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- Yup.

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- Thanks for watching.
(Zac laughs)

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- That's my line, you soulless worm!

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- Thanks for watching!

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- Thanks for watching.
- [Kellen] Oh my God.

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- Thanks for watching.

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- I will say it!

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- [Both] Thanks for watching.

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(offscreen laughter)