WEBVTT

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- [Announcer] From West
Hollywood, California,

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the only news team that doesn't know

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what's on the teleprompter
before they read it.

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Anyone how laughs or breaks loses points.

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This is "Breaking News."

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- Good evening, and
welcome to "Breaking News,"

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the only news show where we don't know

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what we're about to say,

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and we're not allowed to smile or laugh.

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I'm Nud Pudler.

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And I'm Allison Normal-Name.

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Tonight, breaking news from the Vatican

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where Pope Francis has
declared that God just kind of

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inexplicably hates John Lithgow.

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- The Holy See made the announcement

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in an official church
declaration, stating, quote,

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"God loves all and forgives all,

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"but he's just got this
thing about John Lithgow

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"where the guy just
bugs the shit out of him

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"for some reason, and he
can't fucking explain it."

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- The pope elaborated
that, even though God knows

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John Lithgow is probably
a perfectly nice guy,

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he can't stand him in
anything he's ever been in,

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from "Raising Cain" to "The
Crown," just not a fan.

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- So interesting.

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For more, we go to our
reporter Jingle Jangle

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in the Vatican.

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Jingle, what kind of impact
do you think we can expect

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from this papal announcement?

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- Massive, Nud.

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The pope's declaration
signals to all believers

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that feeling an unprompted rage

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whenever Lithgow shows up

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in something is completely acceptable,

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and I think that message is gonna resonate

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with a lot of people, especially ones

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who hate John Lithgow's stupid face.

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- Fascinating.

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- Jingle, why--

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(laughs)

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Jingle, why did the pope choose

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to make this announcement now?

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- He just said it was time
for the Church to take a step

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in acknowledging that, when God finds out

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John Lithgow is in a movie,

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he straight up refuses to see it.

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- Even if it looks like a cool movie?

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- That's correct.

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In fact, the pope said

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that God even does a
really mean impression

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of John Lithgow where
he scrunches up his face

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and goes, "I'm John Lithgow.

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"I was in that movie
written by Mindy Kaling.

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"'Late Night,' that was it.

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"I was in 'Late Night.'

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"Oh."

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(laughs)

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- I mean, that's really mean.

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- [Ashleigh] Wow.

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- And not even a very good
impression of John Lithgow.

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- Exactly, Nud, it's entirely petty,

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and it gives you a good idea

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of how much the Church now believes

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God is a full-blown hater

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when it comes to Lithgow.

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This, of course, on the heels

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of last week's equally
groundbreaking papal announcement

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that, for some reason, God
is really into Chris Pine.

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Stans him hard, apparently.

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- Yes.
- Sure.

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- Thanks, Jingle.

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Now, for sports, we go to Foot Ballerson.

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Foot?

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- Thanks Allison.

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Big news in baseball tonight.

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The MLB Umpires Association
formally announced today

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that those external pockets umpires wear

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to keep extra baseballs
in are lingerie, mm-hm.

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A spokesperson for the
MLB Umpires said, quote,

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"Our big outside pockets are very sexy,

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"and they are absolutely lingerie.

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"We hope that our sexy pockets
aren't distracting players,

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"but if they are, sadly,

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there's nothing we can do about it."

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- Sounds like those Major League Umpires

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are committing pretty hard to the idea

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that those weird pockets
are somehow erotic.

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- They definitely are, Nud.

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You can tell they're pretty self-conscious

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about how bulky and dumb the pockets look

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because the statement they
put out explicitly said,

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"The pockets actually don't look bulky

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"and dumb like something
a cowboy would wear.

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"They're sexy underwear, and
we bought them in France-ay."

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- Oh, ooh.

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- Well, that can't be true.

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- It isn't.

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- Hey, Foot, is it clear to you

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why the Umpires Association

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is so passionate about this issue?

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- Seems like it's been
bothering them for a while

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that nobody's told them their
external pockets look sexy,

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so they finally felt the
need to address it publicly.

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They've also tried to sell them

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at a Victoria's Secret in Times Square,

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but the manager made them leave.

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- And what's been the league's response

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to this campaign from the umps?

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- They've been silent
on this one, Allison,

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probably because they're
embarrassed for the umpires

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for claiming their pockets are
lingerie in the first place,

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which is pretty nice of them

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because it's been affecting
a number of games.

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For example, at a
Cardinals-Cubs game this week,

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the umpire interrupted
the batter multiple times

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because he danced like this

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in order to jostle his
pockets around in a sexy way.

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Oh, yes, like this, like this, like this.

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Look at me.

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Look at me.
- That says unsexy.

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- Oh, right, it was like,

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well, no, it was more like this.

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(Carolyn laughs)
- Ooh.

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- But with more genitalia.
- Wow.

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(both laughs)

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- Okay, well, but that's not sexy at all.

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- Correct.

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The Umpires Association has
also petitioned the broadcasters

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to change the rating of game broadcasts

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from TV G to TV MA because of
how erotic the pockets are.

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- And were they successful?

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- Obviously, no.

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- That's all the breaking
news we have for today.

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This week's loser is Carolyn.

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Thanks for watching.

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- What?

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This game is rigged.

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(both laugh)