WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.180 --> 00:00:02.620 - [Announcer] From West Hollywood, California, 2 00:00:02.620 --> 00:00:04.340 the only news team that doesn't know 3 00:00:04.340 --> 00:00:07.050 what's on the teleprompter before they read it. 4 00:00:07.050 --> 00:00:10.090 Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points. 5 00:00:10.090 --> 00:00:12.683 This is Breaking News. 6 00:00:14.460 --> 00:00:16.490 - Welcome to Breaking News where we don't know 7 00:00:16.490 --> 00:00:18.400 what we're about to say and we aren't allowed 8 00:00:18.400 --> 00:00:20.200 to smile or laugh. 9 00:00:20.200 --> 00:00:23.150 Live from the studio I'm Kippy Yee (laughs). 10 00:00:25.970 --> 00:00:27.530 - All right. 11 00:00:27.530 --> 00:00:29.471 Oops sorry, didn't get that last part, 12 00:00:29.471 --> 00:00:31.136 what was it? 13 00:00:31.136 --> 00:00:32.136 - Kippy Yee! 14 00:00:33.650 --> 00:00:34.960 - One more time. 15 00:00:34.960 --> 00:00:39.960 - Kippy Yee! (laughing) 16 00:00:40.085 --> 00:00:42.620 - Out of the gate, complete disaster. 17 00:00:42.620 --> 00:00:43.453 (cameraman laughs) 18 00:00:43.453 --> 00:00:44.286 (alarm blaring) 19 00:00:44.286 --> 00:00:47.036 (Kippy laughing) 20 00:00:48.709 --> 00:00:49.910 (alarm blaring) - Wild. 21 00:00:49.910 --> 00:00:52.808 - Thanks Kippy, I'm Clearly New Here, 22 00:00:52.808 --> 00:00:53.641 - Full weeping! 23 00:00:53.641 --> 00:00:56.067 - Tonight's top story is eyeballs. 24 00:00:56.067 --> 00:00:58.263 - That's right, that's right! 25 00:00:59.156 --> 00:01:01.040 (laughs) 26 00:01:01.040 --> 00:01:01.893 - Insane! 27 00:01:03.558 --> 00:01:06.891 - I can't get my, I can't get rid of it. 28 00:01:09.470 --> 00:01:11.166 - Wait Amy just go like this. 29 00:01:11.166 --> 00:01:14.957 (laughing hysterically) 30 00:01:14.957 --> 00:01:16.013 - Did you try? 31 00:01:17.069 --> 00:01:18.690 - This is always good if you can break 'em. 32 00:01:18.690 --> 00:01:20.503 - Can we start over? 33 00:01:20.503 --> 00:01:21.920 - Nope that's not how this works. 34 00:01:21.920 --> 00:01:23.540 We absolutely can't start over you have 35 00:01:23.540 --> 00:01:25.899 to say the words on the screen. 36 00:01:25.899 --> 00:01:29.420 - That's right, these weird little grapes 37 00:01:29.420 --> 00:01:31.380 can do all sorts of dumb shit 38 00:01:31.380 --> 00:01:33.770 from making us sad, to making us horny. 39 00:01:33.770 --> 00:01:34.760 And guess what? 40 00:01:34.760 --> 00:01:35.713 - What? 41 00:01:35.713 --> 00:01:37.796 (laughs) 42 00:01:39.479 --> 00:01:41.450 - Even cows have them! 43 00:01:41.450 --> 00:01:42.460 - What? 44 00:01:42.460 --> 00:01:43.942 Cows get horny? 45 00:01:43.942 --> 00:01:45.729 Ah-roo-ga! 46 00:01:45.729 --> 00:01:46.562 (sighs) 47 00:01:46.562 --> 00:01:49.600 - Indeed, turns out since the inception of man 48 00:01:49.600 --> 00:01:52.270 we've always had those little slimy C-spheres 49 00:01:52.270 --> 00:01:53.920 in our shitty heads. 50 00:01:53.920 --> 00:01:55.540 Some people watch movies with them, 51 00:01:55.540 --> 00:01:57.150 others watch birds. 52 00:01:57.150 --> 00:01:59.000 - And the birds, watch them. 53 00:01:59.000 --> 00:01:59.890 - What? 54 00:01:59.890 --> 00:02:01.630 - It's a two-way street we've got eyes, 55 00:02:01.630 --> 00:02:03.559 birds have eyes, bada-bing. 56 00:02:03.559 --> 00:02:05.453 No, it can't be. 57 00:02:06.620 --> 00:02:10.051 Birds have eyes. 58 00:02:10.051 --> 00:02:11.730 (screams) 59 00:02:11.730 --> 00:02:13.840 We now go live to our field reporter, 60 00:02:13.840 --> 00:02:16.740 and resident tree expert tree reporter, 61 00:02:16.740 --> 00:02:20.060 Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou? 62 00:02:20.060 --> 00:02:22.140 - Thanks for asking, Clearly, 63 00:02:22.140 --> 00:02:25.460 but I think you meant where fur art thou? 64 00:02:25.460 --> 00:02:27.030 That's a tree pun for those of you 65 00:02:27.030 --> 00:02:29.272 tree enthusiasts out there. 66 00:02:29.272 --> 00:02:31.105 - Oh, all two of you. 67 00:02:31.105 --> 00:02:33.355 (chuckles) 68 00:02:35.584 --> 00:02:37.303 No I'm done. 69 00:02:38.370 --> 00:02:41.690 - I know, today's a special wittle day 70 00:02:41.690 --> 00:02:44.720 for all our twees here in this wittle field 71 00:02:45.710 --> 00:02:47.890 because it's every tree's first birthday 72 00:02:47.890 --> 00:02:50.460 or should I say birch-day. 73 00:02:50.460 --> 00:02:51.293 - You shouldn't. 74 00:02:51.293 --> 00:02:53.290 - That's right, one year ago today, 75 00:02:53.290 --> 00:02:57.470 we planted 10 kinds of trees right here in this very field 76 00:02:57.470 --> 00:03:00.847 and I'm going to list them right now. 77 00:03:00.847 --> 00:03:04.850 Birch, Maple, Ash, Rowan, 78 00:03:04.850 --> 00:03:09.304 Hawthorn, Douglas Fir, Blue Spruce, 79 00:03:09.304 --> 00:03:14.304 Cherry, Apple, Lemon, Orange. 80 00:03:15.240 --> 00:03:18.110 - That's 11, great job Romeo. 81 00:03:18.110 --> 00:03:19.110 - We have a list right here 82 00:03:19.110 --> 00:03:20.460 and everything you said was true. 83 00:03:20.460 --> 00:03:21.560 Even the last one. 84 00:03:21.560 --> 00:03:23.590 The fruits really saved you at the end there. 85 00:03:23.590 --> 00:03:26.255 - I remembered halfway through that every fruit 86 00:03:26.255 --> 00:03:29.480 has got its own kind of tree. 87 00:03:29.480 --> 00:03:31.390 Yeah I was pretty confident, 88 00:03:31.390 --> 00:03:35.067 really said it with my chest, nut. 89 00:03:35.067 --> 00:03:36.220 - Enough of that bullshit! 90 00:03:36.220 --> 00:03:37.510 - Truly insufferable. 91 00:03:37.510 --> 00:03:39.210 - We now have a wonderful little treat 92 00:03:39.210 --> 00:03:41.510 for our audience tonight, a little hometown segment 93 00:03:41.510 --> 00:03:46.110 with our very own Clearly New Here's mother. 94 00:03:46.110 --> 00:03:47.050 - What the fuck? 95 00:03:47.050 --> 00:03:49.710 - We now go live to mama New Here. 96 00:03:49.710 --> 00:03:50.850 Mama? 97 00:03:50.850 --> 00:03:52.270 - Thanks Kippy! 98 00:03:52.270 --> 00:03:55.550 And watch your shitty little mouth, piss boy. 99 00:03:55.550 --> 00:03:58.820 You may be too old to call your hot momma 100 00:03:58.820 --> 00:04:01.985 but you're never too old for a spanking. 101 00:04:01.985 --> 00:04:04.235 (laughing) 102 00:04:05.116 --> 00:04:07.680 - Mom, mom, mom, 103 00:04:11.060 --> 00:04:12.379 - What? 104 00:04:12.379 --> 00:04:14.629 (laughing) 105 00:04:16.854 --> 00:04:17.854 - Mama, mama 106 00:04:18.802 --> 00:04:21.780 (laughing) 107 00:04:21.780 --> 00:04:24.823 - Not sure if Amy's actually in trouble or not. 108 00:04:26.750 --> 00:04:27.650 - Are you talking? 109 00:04:30.499 --> 00:04:31.656 - Mom 110 00:04:31.656 --> 00:04:33.906 (laughing) 111 00:04:36.613 --> 00:04:37.903 - It's so sad sounding. 112 00:04:40.490 --> 00:04:44.220 - Mama do you have any embarrassing little stories 113 00:04:44.220 --> 00:04:45.860 about Clearly? 114 00:04:45.860 --> 00:04:46.820 - Do I? 115 00:04:46.820 --> 00:04:50.760 I remember this one time Clearly was about nine or 13 116 00:04:50.760 --> 00:04:54.310 and he ran into the room just absolutely covered in butter. 117 00:04:54.310 --> 00:04:56.930 I mean sopping wet, head to naked toe 118 00:04:56.930 --> 00:04:59.015 in a hard cow cream you see or ya feel? 119 00:04:59.015 --> 00:05:02.060 He runs into the room and he tries to stop 120 00:05:02.060 --> 00:05:04.990 but a mix of inertia, milky lubricant, 121 00:05:04.990 --> 00:05:06.590 and the sins of his ancestors, 122 00:05:06.590 --> 00:05:09.420 made it so he kept slipping and sliding 123 00:05:09.420 --> 00:05:10.820 right out the door. 124 00:05:10.820 --> 00:05:12.480 Didn't see him for two days or years, 125 00:05:12.480 --> 00:05:13.380 one of the two. 126 00:05:13.380 --> 00:05:15.690 - I told you that if you told that story 127 00:05:15.690 --> 00:05:17.510 ever again I'd spank you. 128 00:05:17.510 --> 00:05:19.570 - And I told you if you laid one hand 129 00:05:19.570 --> 00:05:22.020 on these matronly buns I'd get you arrested 130 00:05:22.020 --> 00:05:23.860 for grand larsony you little pervert! 131 00:05:23.860 --> 00:05:26.810 - Wow, you can really feel the tension in here. 132 00:05:26.810 --> 00:05:27.900 Ah-oo-ga! 133 00:05:27.900 --> 00:05:29.880 - That's my thing, I already did that. 134 00:05:29.880 --> 00:05:33.110 - Oh sorry, I should've said ah-choo-ga. 135 00:05:33.110 --> 00:05:34.590 - We gotta wrap this up-- 136 00:05:34.590 --> 00:05:36.580 - But before we do mama, 137 00:05:36.580 --> 00:05:39.080 did you have any other embarrassing things to share? 138 00:05:39.080 --> 00:05:42.820 - Oh of course, my little son 139 00:05:42.820 --> 00:05:47.640 he was always big into meats-- 140 00:05:47.640 --> 00:05:49.396 - I love the noise. 141 00:05:49.396 --> 00:05:52.240 - I couldn't get my son off of meat as a kid, 142 00:05:52.240 --> 00:05:54.250 the first time I spooned it into his mouth, 143 00:05:54.250 --> 00:05:56.410 it was pureed meat when he was a baby. 144 00:05:56.410 --> 00:05:57.720 That's how he grew so huge, 145 00:05:57.720 --> 00:05:59.790 he couldn't stop himself from eating meat 146 00:05:59.790 --> 00:06:01.720 and the one day I get a call from the school principal 147 00:06:01.720 --> 00:06:03.487 they said "Mrs. New Here", 148 00:06:04.324 --> 00:06:06.710 I said "What is it?" 149 00:06:06.710 --> 00:06:09.838 and they said "Clearly's gotten into the meat trough again." 150 00:06:09.838 --> 00:06:12.549 and I said "No I told him he can't go in there" 151 00:06:12.549 --> 00:06:13.527 and they said "He knew that but he got the keys, 152 00:06:16.732 --> 00:06:20.087 "he broke into the locker, and he went into the meat trough, 153 00:06:20.087 --> 00:06:21.620 "and he's got himself doused in meat" 154 00:06:21.620 --> 00:06:24.847 and I said "Well I'm tired of this." 155 00:06:25.830 --> 00:06:28.720 - Sorry let me double back on part of this. 156 00:06:28.720 --> 00:06:31.520 So there's a locker room in your child's school 157 00:06:31.520 --> 00:06:32.372 where the meat trough-- 158 00:06:32.372 --> 00:06:33.470 - It's you! 159 00:06:33.470 --> 00:06:34.982 - Baby need that meat! 160 00:06:34.982 --> 00:06:37.250 (laughing) 161 00:06:37.250 --> 00:06:39.070 Baby, need that meat. 162 00:06:39.070 --> 00:06:40.620 - Did you not know the bit is that 163 00:06:40.620 --> 00:06:42.641 she's your mom? 164 00:06:42.641 --> 00:06:43.474 - What? 165 00:06:43.474 --> 00:06:44.307 - She's my mom. 166 00:06:44.307 --> 00:06:45.140 - I'm his mom. 167 00:06:45.140 --> 00:06:47.236 - I'm Clearly New Here. 168 00:06:47.236 --> 00:06:49.486 (laughing) 169 00:06:50.633 --> 00:06:52.810 - Yes, that's what the viewers want. 170 00:06:52.810 --> 00:06:57.656 A deep dive into the world's logic. 171 00:06:57.656 --> 00:06:58.946 What's the world-- 172 00:06:58.946 --> 00:07:00.363 - I'm Clearly New Here. 173 00:07:01.430 --> 00:07:03.478 That's Clearly New Here's momma. 174 00:07:03.478 --> 00:07:04.476 - My son. 175 00:07:04.476 --> 00:07:08.510 My white son, loves meat. 176 00:07:08.510 --> 00:07:12.330 He went to an elementary school with a gym locker room-- 177 00:07:12.330 --> 00:07:15.505 - Ever since she spooned it in my mouth as a child. 178 00:07:15.505 --> 00:07:17.127 - I spooned it in his mouth, puree, 179 00:07:17.127 --> 00:07:20.280 Gerber baby puree, into his newborn mouth 180 00:07:20.280 --> 00:07:21.590 because I couldn't breast feed. 181 00:07:21.590 --> 00:07:23.710 - Reminder for all our Breaking News fans out there 182 00:07:23.710 --> 00:07:26.870 we depend on you guys to update the Breaking News Wiki. 183 00:07:26.870 --> 00:07:30.650 Where we explore the character of the 184 00:07:30.650 --> 00:07:34.290 ongoing storyline of this show. 185 00:07:34.290 --> 00:07:36.370 Thank you so much for all your hard work. 186 00:07:36.370 --> 00:07:39.140 - Well I'm glad we settled that, before we go, 187 00:07:39.140 --> 00:07:43.203 we have to announce that our loser this week is me. 188 00:07:43.203 --> 00:07:45.453 (cheering) 189 00:07:47.340 --> 00:07:49.406 Thanks for watching everyone. 190 00:07:49.406 --> 00:07:51.006 (laughing) Thanks for watching. 191 00:07:52.470 --> 00:07:54.720 (laughing) 192 00:07:59.730 --> 00:08:01.801 That face failed me too many times, 193 00:08:01.801 --> 00:08:03.790 that is a betrayal of a face. 194 00:08:03.790 --> 00:08:05.133 - Holy shit.