WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.190 --> 00:00:03.550 - From West Hollywood, California, the only news team 2 00:00:03.550 --> 00:00:06.530 that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they 3 00:00:06.530 --> 00:00:07.363 read it. 4 00:00:07.363 --> 00:00:10.070 Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points. 5 00:00:10.070 --> 00:00:12.683 This is breaking news. 6 00:00:14.830 --> 00:00:17.380 Welcome to breaking news, the show where we don't know 7 00:00:17.380 --> 00:00:19.660 what we're about to say and we're not allowed 8 00:00:19.660 --> 00:00:21.210 to smile or laugh. 9 00:00:21.210 --> 00:00:23.960 I'm Dark Lord Bloodcruel the defiler 10 00:00:23.960 --> 00:00:27.770 - And my name is also Dark Lord Bloodcruel the Defiler. 11 00:00:27.770 --> 00:00:29.010 No relation. 12 00:00:29.010 --> 00:00:30.640 Just by coincidence. 13 00:00:30.640 --> 00:00:32.850 - In health news, today scientists announce 14 00:00:32.850 --> 00:00:35.870 that brains don't actually do anything. 15 00:00:35.870 --> 00:00:37.820 This overturns the long standing belief 16 00:00:37.820 --> 00:00:40.390 that brains were an important part of the human body. 17 00:00:40.390 --> 00:00:42.210 - According to a report from the World Health 18 00:00:42.210 --> 00:00:45.490 Organization, quote brains are useless. 19 00:00:45.490 --> 00:00:49.140 Brains are just lumps of gray gristle and aren't responsible 20 00:00:49.140 --> 00:00:50.270 for thought or emotion. 21 00:00:50.270 --> 00:00:53.960 Brains are the same exact goop you find in pimples. 22 00:00:53.960 --> 00:00:56.130 You could rip out your brain and it wouldn't make 23 00:00:56.130 --> 00:00:58.540 a difference and you'd be totally fine. 24 00:00:58.540 --> 00:01:01.310 - Scientists found out that what actually makes thought 25 00:01:01.310 --> 00:01:03.600 possible is your nipples. 26 00:01:03.600 --> 00:01:06.010 Your nipples are very sensitive to things like sexy 27 00:01:06.010 --> 00:01:08.270 ice cubes being rubbed on them because they have lots 28 00:01:08.270 --> 00:01:11.080 of nerves, and those nerves also form the basis of 29 00:01:11.080 --> 00:01:13.490 all thought and intellect. 30 00:01:13.490 --> 00:01:17.370 - Albert Einstein was so smart, because his nipples 31 00:01:17.370 --> 00:01:18.920 were unusually long. 32 00:01:18.920 --> 00:01:22.590 Nearly three inches, like a pair of pink caterpillars 33 00:01:22.590 --> 00:01:24.120 dangling off his chest. 34 00:01:24.120 --> 00:01:26.120 Super gross. 35 00:01:26.120 --> 00:01:27.120 - This really makes sense. 36 00:01:27.120 --> 00:01:29.490 I've always suspected that nipples are what makes the 37 00:01:29.490 --> 00:01:30.660 human mind possible. 38 00:01:30.660 --> 00:01:33.210 - Oh, why is that? 39 00:01:33.210 --> 00:01:36.210 - Well, when I touch my nipples, I always get a little 40 00:01:36.210 --> 00:01:38.990 tingly feeling, and then I touch them harder, 41 00:01:38.990 --> 00:01:42.800 I squeeze them, I get my cat to nibble them a little, 42 00:01:42.800 --> 00:01:46.070 and it really gets that sensation going and I go, mmm, 43 00:01:46.070 --> 00:01:48.032 that feeling, that must be what the brain 44 00:01:48.032 --> 00:01:49.850 feeling feels like. 45 00:01:49.850 --> 00:01:51.130 That's why. 46 00:01:51.130 --> 00:01:54.150 - Science truly is amazing. 47 00:01:54.150 --> 00:01:57.409 - In other news, millennials are at it again. 48 00:01:57.409 --> 00:01:58.242 Ugh! 49 00:01:58.242 --> 00:02:00.180 Millennials are the idiots that destroy everything. 50 00:02:00.180 --> 00:02:03.230 Millennials are the children that grew up into villains. 51 00:02:03.230 --> 00:02:05.900 - To find out the latest about bad, dumb millennials, 52 00:02:05.900 --> 00:02:09.390 we turn to our recurring segment, Millennial morons 53 00:02:09.390 --> 00:02:11.210 with Mo Markendarken. 54 00:02:11.210 --> 00:02:12.043 - Hi Mo. 55 00:02:12.043 --> 00:02:13.830 What are millennials killing today? 56 00:02:13.830 --> 00:02:16.950 - The latest thing millennials are ruining is dumping 57 00:02:16.950 --> 00:02:18.110 garbage in the river. 58 00:02:18.110 --> 00:02:19.760 They refuse to do it. 59 00:02:19.760 --> 00:02:22.060 Millennials don't want the river full of garbage because 60 00:02:22.060 --> 00:02:25.090 they prefer it when rivers are made of water instead of 61 00:02:25.090 --> 00:02:26.300 trash. 62 00:02:26.300 --> 00:02:28.815 - But rivers are the best place for garbage. 63 00:02:28.815 --> 00:02:31.400 When you have garbage you throw it in the river 64 00:02:31.400 --> 00:02:33.250 and the river takes it away. 65 00:02:33.250 --> 00:02:35.120 Rivers are nature's toilet. 66 00:02:35.120 --> 00:02:38.000 - Instead, millennials throw their garbage in a millennial 67 00:02:38.000 --> 00:02:41.760 invention called the garbage can, then a hipster called 68 00:02:41.760 --> 00:02:45.010 the garbage man takes the garbage to a millennial safe space 69 00:02:45.010 --> 00:02:47.030 called the garbage dump. 70 00:02:47.030 --> 00:02:50.573 - Making rivers disgusting is an American tradition. 71 00:02:52.234 --> 00:02:54.612 It's sad to see it end because of millennials. 72 00:02:54.612 --> 00:02:57.220 - Millennials have no respect for the past. 73 00:02:57.220 --> 00:02:58.710 They ruin everything. 74 00:02:58.710 --> 00:03:00.760 - What else have millennials destroyed? 75 00:03:00.760 --> 00:03:01.940 - So many things. 76 00:03:01.940 --> 00:03:03.760 Let me list them for you. 77 00:03:03.760 --> 00:03:05.366 Cat food. 78 00:03:05.366 --> 00:03:07.430 Science. 79 00:03:07.430 --> 00:03:08.820 Sports. 80 00:03:08.820 --> 00:03:10.040 Baseball. 81 00:03:10.040 --> 00:03:11.370 Basketball. 82 00:03:11.370 --> 00:03:12.770 Frisbee. 83 00:03:12.770 --> 00:03:14.250 Drinking. 84 00:03:14.250 --> 00:03:15.610 Whiskey. 85 00:03:15.610 --> 00:03:16.680 Rye whiskey. 86 00:03:16.680 --> 00:03:19.235 - No, could you name nine more things? 87 00:03:19.235 --> 00:03:20.068 - Yes. 88 00:03:20.068 --> 00:03:24.730 - Keanu Reeves, popcorn, yoda, juggling, a yoyo, 89 00:03:26.960 --> 00:03:31.960 a blue yoyo, a green yoyo, the number eight and the 90 00:03:33.870 --> 00:03:34.960 number nine. 91 00:03:34.960 --> 00:03:37.370 And that's why I hate millennials. 92 00:03:37.370 --> 00:03:39.864 - My son is a millennial and I hate him. 93 00:03:39.864 --> 00:03:42.810 He is my enemy now, because he doesn't like 94 00:03:42.810 --> 00:03:44.200 all the things I like. 95 00:03:44.200 --> 00:03:46.010 - What does your awful son do? 96 00:03:46.010 --> 00:03:49.810 - Oh, I'll tell you all about my horrendous millennial son. 97 00:03:49.810 --> 00:03:54.810 He has a phone and he's talking on it all the time, 98 00:03:55.230 --> 00:04:00.230 and he's always like shut up dad, and he will go in 99 00:04:00.300 --> 00:04:03.840 his room and even though I turn of the WiFi he comes out 100 00:04:03.840 --> 00:04:06.230 and he's like hey, if you don't turn the WiFi on I'm 101 00:04:06.230 --> 00:04:10.530 gonna kill mom, and I talked to him about how that's 102 00:04:10.530 --> 00:04:15.530 not acceptable, and then he's nine, and he took my 103 00:04:16.180 --> 00:04:21.180 car to the gas station, and ran it into one of the gas pumps 104 00:04:21.830 --> 00:04:25.960 and I had to pay for it, it was $40.000. 105 00:04:25.960 --> 00:04:27.380 - It's good he's driving though. 106 00:04:27.380 --> 00:04:28.709 - Yeah. 107 00:04:28.709 --> 00:04:29.542 - Shows initiative. 108 00:04:29.542 --> 00:04:30.401 - Yeah. 109 00:04:30.401 --> 00:04:31.234 - Yeah. 110 00:04:31.234 --> 00:04:32.860 - Yeah, but I hate him and that's why I hope my son 111 00:04:32.860 --> 00:04:34.380 gets hit by a car. 112 00:04:34.380 --> 00:04:35.810 - Millennials, ugh. 113 00:04:35.810 --> 00:04:37.430 - Thanks for that report, Mo. 114 00:04:37.430 --> 00:04:40.030 Every time I hear about how awful millennials are, 115 00:04:40.030 --> 00:04:42.440 it makes me glad that they're poor and in debt 116 00:04:42.440 --> 00:04:45.080 and can't afford doctors so if they get sick, 117 00:04:45.080 --> 00:04:49.070 they just get sicker and sicker until they die. 118 00:04:49.070 --> 00:04:52.330 - We now turn to breaking news out of China where a major 119 00:04:52.330 --> 00:04:53.700 disaster is unfolding. 120 00:04:53.700 --> 00:04:56.530 Our foreign correspondent Chunk Buttstone is live on 121 00:04:56.530 --> 00:04:57.500 the scene in Beijing. 122 00:04:57.500 --> 00:05:00.160 Chunk, what's going on down there? 123 00:05:00.160 --> 00:05:02.900 - Everyone's worst nightmare has just come true. 124 00:05:02.900 --> 00:05:05.330 Today, Jackie Chan held a press conference where he 125 00:05:05.330 --> 00:05:07.620 announced that he's evil now and he's going to 126 00:05:07.620 --> 00:05:09.250 beat up everybody for fun. 127 00:05:09.250 --> 00:05:11.520 - Why, why would Jackie Chan do that? 128 00:05:11.520 --> 00:05:15.670 - Jackie Chan said, quote, I'm bored for only fighting 129 00:05:16.573 --> 00:05:17.520 people for pretend in movies. 130 00:05:17.520 --> 00:05:20.870 I want to test my martial art skills in the real world on 131 00:05:20.870 --> 00:05:23.300 innocent men, women and children. 132 00:05:23.300 --> 00:05:26.243 I'm doing this because I've turned evil for no reason. 133 00:05:27.090 --> 00:05:29.280 - For years I've been afraid of Jackie Chan turning 134 00:05:29.280 --> 00:05:31.620 evil and misusing his karate powers. 135 00:05:31.620 --> 00:05:34.000 I prayed this day would never come! 136 00:05:34.000 --> 00:05:37.010 - Countless people have been beaten up as Jackie Chan 137 00:05:37.010 --> 00:05:40.180 roams the streets, punching and kicking without mercy. 138 00:05:40.180 --> 00:05:42.370 Everywhere I look people are laying on the ground 139 00:05:42.370 --> 00:05:45.129 groaning and asking for ice packs to soothe their bruised 140 00:05:45.129 --> 00:05:46.290 bodies. 141 00:05:46.290 --> 00:05:48.850 - Has Jackie Chan shown any sign of slowing down his 142 00:05:48.850 --> 00:05:49.920 karate rampage? 143 00:05:49.920 --> 00:05:51.470 - No, he said he won't stop until 144 00:05:51.470 --> 00:05:52.690 he's kicked everyone's ass. 145 00:05:52.690 --> 00:05:54.050 - Everyone in China? 146 00:05:54.050 --> 00:05:57.140 - No, everyone in the world. 147 00:05:57.140 --> 00:05:58.810 He will not stop until he's kicked the ass of 148 00:05:58.810 --> 00:05:59.690 all humanity. 149 00:05:59.690 --> 00:06:01.800 Jackie Chan said he's going to beat up China, 150 00:06:01.800 --> 00:06:03.460 then walk across the rest of the Earth, 151 00:06:03.460 --> 00:06:06.050 continent by continent, walloping every single person 152 00:06:06.050 --> 00:06:06.883 one by one. 153 00:06:06.883 --> 00:06:09.900 - Did the Chinese government try to stop Jackie Chan? 154 00:06:09.900 --> 00:06:12.100 - Yes, they sent their entire army to arrest him, 155 00:06:12.100 --> 00:06:13.960 but soldiers made the mistake of attacking him 156 00:06:13.960 --> 00:06:16.330 inside a grocery store, and Jackie Chan used all the 157 00:06:16.330 --> 00:06:18.650 fruits and vegetables to fight them off in creative ways, 158 00:06:18.650 --> 00:06:19.830 just like in his movies. 159 00:06:19.830 --> 00:06:22.440 - How exactly did Jackie Chan use fruits and vegetables 160 00:06:22.440 --> 00:06:26.600 to defeat the entire Chinese army, can you describe 161 00:06:26.600 --> 00:06:29.470 the fights, scenes, step by step? 162 00:06:29.470 --> 00:06:30.840 - Sure. 163 00:06:30.840 --> 00:06:32.480 Here's what Jackie Chan did. 164 00:06:32.480 --> 00:06:34.150 First, he grabbed a banana. 165 00:06:34.150 --> 00:06:35.803 He shoved it into somebody's eye. 166 00:06:37.340 --> 00:06:38.840 That was just step number one. 167 00:06:39.970 --> 00:06:41.913 Next he walked over to the oranges. 168 00:06:42.770 --> 00:06:44.040 He opened them up. 169 00:06:44.040 --> 00:06:44.873 - Opened them. 170 00:06:44.873 --> 00:06:45.706 - Opened them up. 171 00:06:47.580 --> 00:06:50.620 And he put the sour part directly into somebody else's eye. 172 00:06:50.620 --> 00:06:51.770 Did a lot of eye stuff. 173 00:06:55.660 --> 00:06:59.520 That guy was running around and he ran into the cereal 174 00:06:59.520 --> 00:07:02.220 aisle and knocked down all the cereal on a different man, 175 00:07:02.220 --> 00:07:05.070 so no Jackie Chan did not kil that man, someone else did. 176 00:07:06.530 --> 00:07:08.663 Jackie Chan then went over to the lettuce. 177 00:07:10.520 --> 00:07:11.940 He shoved it down somebody's throat. 178 00:07:11.940 --> 00:07:14.140 Somebody choked on the lettuce. 179 00:07:14.140 --> 00:07:15.013 And they died. 180 00:07:16.250 --> 00:07:17.253 Should I keep going? 181 00:07:18.410 --> 00:07:21.570 - What's nine more items Jackie Chan used? 182 00:07:21.570 --> 00:07:23.560 - I'll quickly list them. 183 00:07:23.560 --> 00:07:27.233 Jackie Chan killed someone using paper plates. 184 00:07:28.680 --> 00:07:29.513 Watermelon. 185 00:07:31.540 --> 00:07:32.693 Life cereal. 186 00:07:33.910 --> 00:07:34.943 Smart popcorn. 187 00:07:37.076 --> 00:07:38.503 Cheetos. 188 00:07:39.600 --> 00:07:40.433 - Four more? 189 00:07:40.433 --> 00:07:41.266 - Four more? 190 00:07:41.266 --> 00:07:42.099 - Yeah, that's five. 191 00:07:42.099 --> 00:07:43.893 - Okay, I can do this. 192 00:07:44.960 --> 00:07:46.835 - Just four things that are in a grocery store. 193 00:07:46.835 --> 00:07:47.879 - Avocado. 194 00:07:47.879 --> 00:07:50.053 I wanna be accurate. 195 00:07:51.190 --> 00:07:52.023 Avocado. 196 00:07:52.023 --> 00:07:55.193 Someone had an avocado allergy and he knew it. 197 00:07:57.870 --> 00:07:58.793 Tomatoes. 198 00:07:59.680 --> 00:08:01.030 Pasta sauce. 199 00:08:01.030 --> 00:08:01.883 And the last one. 200 00:08:03.340 --> 00:08:04.280 Frozen pizza. 201 00:08:04.280 --> 00:08:07.250 - Wow, wow, that's scary stuff. 202 00:08:07.250 --> 00:08:09.290 - That does it for us, but before we go, 203 00:08:09.290 --> 00:08:13.120 we'll announce that our loser this week is Carolyn. 204 00:08:13.120 --> 00:08:14.400 Thanks for watching. 205 00:08:14.400 --> 00:08:15.730 I liked Jackie Chan. 206 00:08:15.730 --> 00:08:17.343 - Yeah, yeah, he turned evil for no reason. 207 00:08:17.343 --> 00:08:19.130 - Yeah for no reason at all. 208 00:08:19.130 --> 00:08:19.963 - Terrible.