WEBVTT

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- [Announcer] From West
Hollywood, California,

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the only news team that doesn't know

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what's on the teleprompter
before they read it.

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Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points.

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This is Breaking News.

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(dramatic music)

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- Welcome to Breaking
News, the only news show

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where we don't know
what we're about to say

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and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh.

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I'm Children's Oncology Department.

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- And I'm Omar GameCube.

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- Tonight's top story, U2 me too-d

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at a Scooby Doo read-through.

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(laughing)

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After 30 years posing
as an Irish rock-band,

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Bono, The Edge, Adam
Clayton, and that other guy,

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have been exposed as a vengeful
bed and breakfast owner

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who told authorities, "And
I would have gotten it,

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away with it too, if it
weren't for my wife."

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- And now, for a little
segment called Roger's Rants

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where our sportscaster
and local man about-town,

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Roger Foosballs gives us all you viewers,

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a little piece of his mind.

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- Let snakes be socks!

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I wanna stomp my hooves into some serpents

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and clomp around the town square!

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Hiss hiss go my tootsies!

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Oh, ah, goes the people
admiring my kickass new socks.

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- Thanks, Roger.

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- In ongoing coverage, the
city sanitation department

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is still struggling to find
the source of an infestation

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in the city's water supply,
as fishes with human mouths

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have been turning up in
people's sinks and toilets,

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screaming, "Please kill me.

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"Oh God, please kill me.

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"The government puts
chemicals in your water

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"to control your mind."

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For now, the head of sanitation department

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is recommending people ignore
the fishes' pleas for death

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by either flushing them or sauteing them

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with a dash of paprika and
pepper for a sewer fish dinner.

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- Yum, we got a couple
of those in our toilet

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and I make my kids cook them
up for me in a big fat stew.

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- Those used to be my kids.

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- Oh, not this, not this again.

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(laughing)

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They liked it at my house better

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because I gave them jobs with wages,

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cleaning my kitchen
and licking my windows.

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So, now they are my beautiful
son and two daughters.

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- I miss them every day.

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Hey Roger, you got another
rant for us, big boy?

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- If you're a baby, don't sneak up on me!

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(laughing)

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You aren't quite human and that spooks me!

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I might think you're a
big mouse or a loud spider

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that moves weird and try to stomp on you.

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Then my sister will be
mad at me all over again

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for stomping on her big spider baby.

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- Hoo boy, gotta agree with him there.

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If you can't walk, you can't talk,

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and you can't gobble down
ass like it's Thanksgiving,

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stay the hell away from me.

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- Hey Roger, finish up those rants.

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- Grand Theft Auto should
be a Broadway musical!

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Back to you, Children's
Oncology Department.

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- Thanks, Rodge.

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That's a terrible take

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and I disrespectfully disagree with you.

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- It made me feel nothing.

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I am hollow without my kids.

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We now go to our metro
reporter, Teresa MyPizza

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for the latest in local news.

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- Thanks, Omar.

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I'm at the county fairgrounds,

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where some unfortunate setbacks
have befallen the fair,

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before its opening.

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A black bear escaped its cage
and ate the bearded lady.

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You heard me, Bilbo Bearby--

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(laughing)

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Ooh, the beloved black bear,
bit the bearded Belladonna

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into bits, belching boisterously.

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Afterwards, the bear put
on its tiny bear jacket

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and bear blanket, got onto its unicycle

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and rode off into the sunset.

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The fair is devastated over its loss.

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- We'll miss that bearded lady.

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- No b--

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(laughing)

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I don't wanna say that.

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- Go ahead, please do, please.

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- Uh, no, uh, the, it's not, it's rude.

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The bear, the bear is the loss,
Bilbo BearBeard is his name

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and he's everyone's favorite bear.

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He's got a big big mouth
and even bigger bear balls.

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When he scoots around on
his little bear scooter,

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I just wanna scoot my boot until it's raw.

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Sometimes, they let you
watch as they feed him fish

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and then he is a big yum
yum in the tum tum boy.

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I am devastated, back to you.

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- Thanks Teresa, I'm
bear-y sad for your loss.

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Quickly, before we wrap
up, you hate to see it

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and we hate to do it, but we
have to issue a correction

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on last week's reporting.

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Patricia Heaton, from
Everybody Does Raymond

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is not technically, my loving lumpy mommy.

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She is only, allegedly,
my loving lumpy mom.

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- Other than that correction,
please remember that the news

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is always good and right,
just like my dude, my king,

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my gap-tooth-God, Michael Strahan.

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- We'll close with a bit of personal news,

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this week's loser is Camirin.

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What a dummy, thanks for watching.

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- [Camirin] Alright, that's harsh.

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(laughing)

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- Sorry, it's just the
teleprompter tells me to say.

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- It's fine.

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- I'll read it, whatever Brendon
doesn't read, I'll read it.

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- I mean, Brendon didn't say bitch,

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but we'll say dummy, I guess.

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- That's because I have personal
standards that I adhere to.

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(laughing)
- What are you doing?

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What is this?

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- I'm not on fucking trial.

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(laughing)