WEBVTT

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- [Narrator] From West
Hollywood, California,

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the only news team that
doesn't know what's

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on the teleprompter before they read it.

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Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points.

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This is Breaking News.

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- Hello and welcome to Breaking News.

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The show where we don't
know what we're about to say

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and we're not allowed to smile or laugh.

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I'm George Porridge.

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- I'm Allison Oatmeal.

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And Grant is writing the
script in the office about

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just the stuff he sees.

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Right now Katie is wearing
a sweater with llamas on it

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and drinking fresca from a blue straw.

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What a weirdo.

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- Trapp is talking about a
porn festival where people

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burn the tapes at the end.

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Just a second ago he
said that Grant shouldn't

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have put strawberry cream
cheese on a raisin bagel

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because it's too sweet.

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What a weirdo.

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- Brennan is talking about
teens in a basement playing

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air hockey and putting whipped cream

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on each others' crotches.

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He's got a coffee from Starbucks
Reserve because he thinks

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he's some kind of somebody.

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- Now here comes Kellen.

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Do you guys know Kellen?

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He's funny but his
shirt is way too yellow.

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Trapp shook his hand just
now and pulled really hard

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so he almost fell.

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It was funny.

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Now Kellen is talking
about his sinus headache.

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Weirdo.

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- And what's Rekha up to?

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Right now she's absentmindedly
spinning in her swivel chair

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talking to Tao.

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She's spinning faster and faster now.

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She's screaming wee really loudly.

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- Now she's abruptly stopped
spinning and is staring

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into the middle distance.

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She's reaching into the
top drawer of her desk

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and is pulling out some
kind of rat or baby possum.

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- She's unhinged her jaw like a snake

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and is eating the poor creature whole.

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Its horrible screams
have filled the office

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and Rekha looks like she
couldn't be happier about it.

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What a weirdo.

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- We go now to weather
with Grizabella Grits.

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Grizabella how's the week look?

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- It's looking swell so far George.

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As swell as Grant looks
dressed up or dressed down.

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Whether it's in his
nicely tailored blue suit

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or just a pair of jeans and a t-shirt

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Grant knows how to look
good in any occasion.

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- Interesting.

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Does it come off like he
puts in too much effort?

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- Not at all Allison.

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- Interesting.

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- It's effortless.

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Grant's style is as
magnetic as his personality.

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Boy this is funny.

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While I'm on that subject,

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Grant is a raconteur of the highest order.

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A born storyteller.

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But while he's happy to
hold court telling tales

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of his interesting and full life,

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he's equally satisfied to listen.

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It's not an act either.

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He genuinely cares about other people.

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- If I'm understanding you correctly,

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it sounds like Grant is a real Mensch.

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- A Mensch of the highest order.

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You wouldn't think someone
with his innate charisma would

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also be able to hit Grant's
10 rep max on a back squat

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but Grant never cuts corners at the gym.

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He knows that the only person

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he's in competition with is himself.

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- Can he cook?

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- Unbelievably well.

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And it's not showy.

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Just wholesome nutritious meals.

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He knows the value of a dollar

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and has eyes that could light up New York.

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Impressive.

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That's the only word for him.

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Back to you in the studio.

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- Thanks Grizabella.

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We now go to Paul Porridge on
the scene of a home invasion

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near Westchester.

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Paul?

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What are you seeing?

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- George, it's a truly shocking scene.

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It's rattled me to my very core.

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In moments like this,
I like to think about--

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I like to think about Grant.

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It calms me down.

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- I think it calms all of us down Paul.

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Do you have a favorite memory of Grant?

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- Field is spelled wrong.

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- Interesting.

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I noticed that as well.

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- You know these are taken
directly from the scripts

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so they're translated one to one

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which means that the mistake
must have been made by

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whoever wrote this.

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- I think Grant.

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- Grant O'Brien?

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- [Girl] I think Grant O'Brien.

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- Checks out.

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- Hmm.

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- Here's my favorite
(laughs) memory of Grant.

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- I totally understand that
you have to search a little bit

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to recall a fond memory of Grant.

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- We could grab a bottle
of wine and just kinda

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think this one out if you want.

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- Why don't you make one up?

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Why don't you just make one up?

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- [Man] Sure.

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- Cause that's--
- That'll be faster.

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- Yeah that's gonna be faster for sure.

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- Yeah just Madlibs.

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It has to include soda and rice.

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- My favorite memory
of Grant is the viscous

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ass-kicking he received minutes
after this broadcast ended.

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- Gosh that sounded nice.

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I have to say my three
favorite things about Grant

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are his shameless self-promotion,

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the way his head just
lightly grazes the ceiling

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in every room he's in.

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- That's true.

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- And his rampant syphilis.

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- Say I'll get in on that action.

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My three favorite things
about Grant are height.

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(laughter)

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General.

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- Electric.

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- I just can't do this.

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I'm so sorry I can't do this.

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- It's okay.

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It's totally understandable.

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But if everyone's doing it
my three favorite things

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about Grant are that he is very loud.

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- Yes.

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- He eats a lot of wet foods.

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- That's true.

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- Wet and loud.

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- Wet and loud.

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And he farts a ton.

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- Truth.

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- You know all of your
compliments reminded me

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of my favorite things about Grant.

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He behaves as though he
was shot forward in time

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from Dust Bowl era Indianapolis.

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- Yes he does.
- One.

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- [Man] That's true.

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- He's the only human being I know

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who would earnestly
interject in a conversation

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with the term say.

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You know like an old-timey person going

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say here's an idea.

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And not to repeat points but height.

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- Three.

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- Wow.

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- And what is that height?

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- Nobody knows.

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- Well that does it for us this week.

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Clearly the winner as he
is every week is Grant.

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- You don't have to say that.

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- But the loser who
laughed the most is Rekha.

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- [Girl] Really?

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- Thanks for watching.

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- Wow I felt like Grant was the loser.

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- Grant was the loser.

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You're right.

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- You know what I like about Grant?

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- [Katie] What?
- [Rekha] Hmm?

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- Nothing.

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(Brennan laughs)

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(music)