WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.180 --> 00:00:02.520 - [Narrator] From West Holleywood California, 2 00:00:02.520 --> 00:00:04.330 the only news team that doesn't know 3 00:00:04.330 --> 00:00:07.040 what's on the teleprompter before they read it. 4 00:00:07.040 --> 00:00:10.170 Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points. 5 00:00:10.170 --> 00:00:12.663 This is: Breaking News. 6 00:00:14.680 --> 00:00:16.800 - Hello, and welcome to Breaking News: 7 00:00:16.800 --> 00:00:18.900 the show where we don't know what we're about to say, 8 00:00:18.900 --> 00:00:20.920 and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh. 9 00:00:20.920 --> 00:00:23.240 I'm P.P. Cocktail, and with me, as always, 10 00:00:23.240 --> 00:00:24.733 is the Hulk Jr. 11 00:00:25.596 --> 00:00:27.070 (penalty buzzer sounds) 12 00:00:27.070 --> 00:00:27.903 - Hello. 13 00:00:28.800 --> 00:00:29.633 Me 14 00:00:29.633 --> 00:00:30.830 Hulk Jr. 15 00:00:30.830 --> 00:00:33.000 Me have brain of Hulk, 16 00:00:33.000 --> 00:00:34.230 but body 17 00:00:34.230 --> 00:00:35.350 of normal 18 00:00:35.350 --> 00:00:36.670 man. 19 00:00:36.670 --> 00:00:39.710 Truly worst of both world. 20 00:00:39.710 --> 00:00:42.560 Back to P.P. Cocktail. 21 00:00:42.560 --> 00:00:45.350 P.P. Cocktail, friend? 22 00:00:45.350 --> 00:00:48.410 - Yes, Hulk Jr. P.P. Cocktail friend. 23 00:00:48.410 --> 00:00:49.570 There's been a robbery 24 00:00:49.570 --> 00:00:51.980 of our hearts by Hogbert, 25 00:00:51.980 --> 00:00:54.600 The pig that looks like Dogbert, from Dilbert! 26 00:00:54.600 --> 00:00:56.270 Unfortunately, there was also a robbery, 27 00:00:56.270 --> 00:00:58.430 of Hogbert's soul, by god. 28 00:00:58.430 --> 00:00:59.943 Which is to say, he's dead. 29 00:01:00.870 --> 00:01:02.110 - Hulk Jr. 30 00:01:02.110 --> 00:01:03.604 Want honor 31 00:01:03.604 --> 00:01:04.940 Hogbert memory 32 00:01:05.838 --> 00:01:07.530 - [Rekha] Of course. 33 00:01:07.530 --> 00:01:09.359 - Dear Hogbert, 34 00:01:09.359 --> 00:01:10.392 me so 35 00:01:10.392 --> 00:01:11.405 sorry 36 00:01:11.405 --> 00:01:12.488 you are dead. 37 00:01:13.773 --> 00:01:15.848 You should have lived 38 00:01:15.848 --> 00:01:16.750 big 39 00:01:16.750 --> 00:01:17.770 long life 40 00:01:17.770 --> 00:01:18.603 like Hulk. 41 00:01:18.603 --> 00:01:20.010 (penalty buzzer sounds) 42 00:01:20.010 --> 00:01:23.960 You are no longer living. 43 00:01:23.960 --> 00:01:26.610 We weep and we cry 44 00:01:26.610 --> 00:01:27.743 for him. 45 00:01:29.520 --> 00:01:34.520 - Yes. Donations can be made in Hogbert's name to ISIS. 46 00:01:34.799 --> 00:01:37.870 Now, it's time to check in on the weather. 47 00:01:37.870 --> 00:01:40.100 Here with the report is our weatherman, 48 00:01:40.100 --> 00:01:43.400 Dennis Rader, The BTK Killer. 49 00:01:43.400 --> 00:01:46.480 - My name is Dennis Rader, The BTK Killer, 50 00:01:46.480 --> 00:01:49.240 and I'm here with your 10-day forecast. 51 00:01:49.240 --> 00:01:51.015 - So, what. So what. 52 00:01:51.015 --> 00:01:51.848 (Ally laughing) 53 00:01:51.848 --> 00:01:52.854 (penalty buzzer sounds) 54 00:01:52.854 --> 00:01:53.687 - I'm just gonna still be 55 00:01:53.687 --> 00:01:54.520 - Are you mad? 56 00:01:54.520 --> 00:01:56.000 - No, I'm still gonna be Hulk. 57 00:01:56.000 --> 00:01:56.833 (clears throat) 58 00:01:56.833 --> 00:02:01.542 So, what we got, Dennis? Hulk need umbrella this weekend? 59 00:02:01.542 --> 00:02:02.375 (penalty buzzer sounds) 60 00:02:02.375 --> 00:02:05.694 - You might, Hulk Jr. BTK stands for 61 00:02:05.694 --> 00:02:07.890 bind, torture, kill. 62 00:02:07.890 --> 00:02:10.010 And if you're looking at this year, 63 00:02:10.010 --> 00:02:11.710 we have a couple thunderstorms 64 00:02:11.710 --> 00:02:14.690 coming in from the West this weekend. 65 00:02:14.690 --> 00:02:17.305 - Well that's bad news for out employee softball game. 66 00:02:17.305 --> 00:02:19.210 - Bad news for you at least. 67 00:02:19.210 --> 00:02:23.233 Now, I don't have to hit those sneaky curve balls of yours. 68 00:02:23.233 --> 00:02:26.400 Look up all my real murders on the internet 69 00:02:26.400 --> 00:02:28.377 if you want to ruin your entire day. 70 00:02:28.377 --> 00:02:32.520 - BTK Killer, real person who lives in this twisted world, 71 00:02:32.520 --> 00:02:34.829 are we going to get a break from this humidity? 72 00:02:34.829 --> 00:02:37.470 - It's probably going to stay sticky through the weekend, 73 00:02:37.470 --> 00:02:38.550 dang it. 74 00:02:38.550 --> 00:02:40.550 Every night when you close your eyes, 75 00:02:40.550 --> 00:02:43.910 picture me and the heartless crimes that I have committed. 76 00:02:43.910 --> 00:02:45.220 You could call them cruel, 77 00:02:45.220 --> 00:02:46.790 but the existence of cruelty 78 00:02:46.790 --> 00:02:48.650 implies the existence of its opposite, 79 00:02:48.650 --> 00:02:50.280 which is goodness. And deep down, 80 00:02:50.280 --> 00:02:52.144 in the party of yourself you don't want to face, 81 00:02:52.144 --> 00:02:54.974 you know that "goodness" is a fantasy. 82 00:02:54.974 --> 00:02:58.990 A blanket to wrap yourself in for imagined comfort 83 00:02:58.990 --> 00:03:01.286 against the bleak nothingness of the world. 84 00:03:01.286 --> 00:03:04.130 You'll be running your AC through the weekend. 85 00:03:04.130 --> 00:03:05.038 - Thanks, Dennis. 86 00:03:05.038 --> 00:03:05.871 (Ally laughs) 87 00:03:05.871 --> 00:03:09.990 - You know. Maybe Dennis really good guy. 88 00:03:09.990 --> 00:03:11.990 Even after what he done. 89 00:03:11.990 --> 00:03:15.260 - I, and any actor playing me, agree. 90 00:03:15.260 --> 00:03:18.160 Hold on, I'm hearing just now that we've got some 91 00:03:18.160 --> 00:03:21.240 breaking news coming in of a possible nuclear attack 92 00:03:21.240 --> 00:03:22.640 from North Korea. 93 00:03:22.640 --> 00:03:26.030 Here, with more, is our field correspondent, A Mime. 94 00:03:26.030 --> 00:03:27.763 Mime, are we in danger? 95 00:03:34.529 --> 00:03:36.135 (Elaine exclaims) 96 00:03:36.135 --> 00:03:37.318 - Good god. 97 00:03:37.318 --> 00:03:38.400 Mime! 98 00:03:38.400 --> 00:03:40.603 Where is missile targeting? 99 00:03:46.157 --> 00:03:48.310 (penalty buzzer sounds) 100 00:03:48.310 --> 00:03:49.720 - New York City? 101 00:03:49.720 --> 00:03:52.903 Oh no! My gay best friend lives there! 102 00:03:52.903 --> 00:03:57.080 - Best part of New York, in Hulk Jr. Opinion: 103 00:03:57.080 --> 00:03:57.980 bagel. 104 00:03:57.980 --> 00:03:59.764 - I hear it's the water. 105 00:03:59.764 --> 00:04:03.320 - What? Hulk Jr. Eat bagel all the time. 106 00:04:03.320 --> 00:04:04.450 There's no 107 00:04:04.450 --> 00:04:05.283 water 108 00:04:05.283 --> 00:04:06.461 in bagel. 109 00:04:06.461 --> 00:04:09.390 - Anyways, sounds like New York is blowing up soon. 110 00:04:09.390 --> 00:04:11.310 Now, Mime, I've always wondered, 111 00:04:11.310 --> 00:04:13.383 Why is it that you can't talk? 112 00:04:18.415 --> 00:04:19.248 (Elaine exclaims) 113 00:04:19.248 --> 00:04:20.081 - You playing poker! 114 00:04:21.430 --> 00:04:23.283 - Okay, you've got four of a kind. 115 00:04:24.289 --> 00:04:25.720 (penalty buzzer sounds) 116 00:04:25.720 --> 00:04:30.720 - And you wager your voice on a cartoon mermaid. 117 00:04:31.120 --> 00:04:32.430 (penalty buzzer sounds) 118 00:04:32.430 --> 00:04:34.680 - But they had the royal flush, 119 00:04:34.680 --> 00:04:37.533 so you lost your voice in a hand of poker? 120 00:04:39.000 --> 00:04:41.700 Wow! Tough break. 121 00:04:41.700 --> 00:04:43.840 - Me also have strange voice. 122 00:04:43.840 --> 00:04:46.440 You want be friends? 123 00:04:46.440 --> 00:04:48.380 - I'm sorry, there's no time for this. 124 00:04:48.380 --> 00:04:51.902 We have to announce that this week's loser is Ally. 125 00:04:51.902 --> 00:04:52.735 - [Ally] What! 126 00:04:52.735 --> 00:04:53.930 - Yeah 127 00:04:53.930 --> 00:04:55.150 - [Ally] Why do I keep losing? 128 00:04:55.150 --> 00:04:57.913 Thanks for watching. You got anything to say? 129 00:04:59.721 --> 00:05:01.679 (laughing).