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- [Announcer] From West
Hollywood California,

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the only news team that doesn't know

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what's on the teleprompter
before they read it.

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Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points.

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This is Breaking News.

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(upbeat music)

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- Welcome to Breaking News,
the show where nobody knows

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what they're about to say

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and we all watch Grant smile and laugh.

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I'm Felicity Almond.

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- And I'm Jack Spear.

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On today's show, we'll cover
what's hot in US politics.

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- We'll touch a soft fish on the back.

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- And we'll Postmates something so small

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and so close to our house
that we're embarrassed

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to open the door when it comes.

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- But first, could the mold
found in every kitchen sponge

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be the key to online privacy?

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- Big dada?

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- Bulk dada?

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- I'm almost out of dada.

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- Our top story tonight,
a million dollar donation

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to the wrong recipient?

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Joining us now, is Ban Straws, Ban?

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- Sorry I'm late, I was
finishing my other job.

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- What's your other job?

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- I make fancy guns for dolls.

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- Ban, how's the scene?

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- It's chaos.

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I'm here in Tulsa Oklahoma,
where local 95 year old,

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Shirley Prawn has accidentally
donated one million dollars

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to RedTube, believing it to
be a conservative news hub.

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- Oh, well, if you--

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(buzzers beep)
(laughing)

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If you, I mean if you, so, hey.

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- Okay, so.

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Boy!

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Well, so, RedTube and
conservative news outlets,

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two things that sure like fucking people.

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- What?

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- That was hard to watch.

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But I do respect it, like
Cory Booker speaking Spanish.

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(laughing)

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(speaking Spanish)

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- This just in, you make me wanna la la.

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- In the kitchen, on the floor?

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- No, sorry, that was acid reflux.

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This just in, a pregnant bird
has shut down an NBA game.

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For more on that, we join
our sports correspondent,

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Nigel Evans.

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- Thank you Jack, I'm out
here diddling and fiddling

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in Clippers nation.

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- What happened?

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- It was tipoff at the Staples Center

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when suddenly a bird that we
all just accepted was inside

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dove down onto the court.

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- You're kidding. (laughs)

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- I shit you not, you little freak!

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This bird plopped down
at the three-point line

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and administered three CCs of something

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to herself, before
splash-zoning Billy Crystal

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with seven wet eggs.

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Everyone here is stunned.

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- Well, that's all for the news.

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If you hear any other news today,

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know that it's less important
than what we just covered.

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- Mm, mm-hmm.

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We all tried to keep the
integrity of journalism alive,

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but one person beefed it more than ever.

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Congratulations Grant.

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- [Grant] Sure.
(cheering)

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- Thanks for watching.

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- Because conservatives
are fucking things up.

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- Yeah, that joke didn't work.

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- You should work for
Huckabee, these are good.

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(all laughing)

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- Oh God, oh, I mean, is he hiring?

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(laughing)