WEBVTT

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- [Announcer] From West
Hollywood, California,

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the only news team that doesn't know

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what's on the teleprompter
before they read it.

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Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points.

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This is Breaking News.

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(thrilling fast-paced music)

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- Hello, and welcome to Breaking News,

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the show where we have no
idea what we're about to do

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or say and aren't allowed
to smile or laugh.

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I'm Actually Geese.

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- And I'm Jeff,

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but you can call me Dad if
you want kiddo, no pressure.

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I just love your mom so much.

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- Panic at the local roller rink

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as a rogue roller blader
trolled the stroller derby

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by rolling around bowls
and bowls of ravioli.

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- Every year at the stroller derby,

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sleep-deprived parents straight
up body check each other

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with their tots in tow as a way

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to blow off the steam
accumulated from carrying

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their for grimy little booger
bags that never stop shitting.

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- It's like rugby on skates,

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but with way more toddler concussions.

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- But yesterday's event was upended

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by a self described Pasta Stan

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who slung severely sauced ravioli

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all over the playing space,

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straining skates and making
one kid fall right down

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on his butt in that great way

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where he doesn't know he's supposed

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to cry for a few seconds.
(Actually laughing)

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(break counter dinging)
It's fun to watch

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the sadness creep slowly across his face.

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(Fink laughing)
(break counter dinging)

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- Said the vandal, "Pasta
is the one true food staple.

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"Cauliflower rice tastes
like packing peanuts

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"and quinoa is just steamed dirt!

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"Down with all keto-fascists!"

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- While most played the role of roly poly,

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one of the goalies boldly doled a cannoli

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to his skull, killing him instantly.

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- Holy moly what an imbroglio!
(break counter dinging)

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That can't be right.

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Let's check in with our
entertainment reporter, Fink Dinkum.

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Fink, how are ya?

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- Exhausted, Actually.

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I just finished watching Netflix.

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- (chuckles) Oh, the whole thing?

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- Yep, temples to toenails, my dude.

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- And how was it?

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- Like being kicked in the
shins for about a month.

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There are so many Christmas movies,

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like half of them feature
Santa either fucking, (laughs)

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(break counter dinging)
or trying to fuck,

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which really noodles my poodle.

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- I'll bet.

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- It was endless.

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I sat through "Norwegians
Fishing Peacefully",

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"All Dogs Go to Heaven
(laughs) Except Yours",

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(break counter dinging)
(Actually laughing)

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(laughs) "The Blinder Side",
(break counter dinging)

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"Look Who's Talking Now: It's
Toilets and They're Pissed",

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(Jeff laughing)
(break counter dinging)

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Marvel's "Can't Man",

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and ten full seasons
(break counter dinging)

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of some horrifically unfunny
crap called "Friends".

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But it was worth it

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to discover Netflix's new rap
competition "Rhythm and Flow".

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- Oh, yeah?

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- It was a revelation.

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I realized I'm hip hop's
(break counter dinging)

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(cackles)
(break counter dinging)

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I realized next great MC.

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(break counter dinging)

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This is my actual nightmare!
(Actually laughing)

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(break counter dinging)

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Oh my God!
(break counter dinging)

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♪ This is my actual nightmare ♪
(Actually laughing)

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(break counter dinging)
♪ I can't rap ♪

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♪ Look at me try ♪
(break counter dinging)

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♪ I gotta go four sick freestyle bars ♪

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Oh!

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(mimics crashing) Drop the mic!

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(Actually laughing)
(break counter dinging)

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- Wow, so polished!
(Fink laughing)

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(break counter dinging)

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Do more!
(Fink screaming laughing)

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(break counter dinging)

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- Oh my God!
(break counter dinging)

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Ya know! (laughs)
(break counter dinging)

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Okay, so here we go!
(Actually laughing)

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♪ Here we go ♪
(break counter dinging)

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♪ We're gonna rap about Netflix ♪

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♪ I am gonna rap about
Netflix on the internet ♪

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(break counter dinging)
♪ Really goin' for it ♪

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(break counter dinging)
♪ Why not ♪

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♪ Got a mic ♪

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♪ Right here on the floor ♪
(break counter dinging)

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♪ Really gonna try ♪

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♪ Are you laughin' at my sick rap ♪

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♪ Here we go ♪

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♪ Now it's swingin' ♪

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Sorry Bo!

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- Sick!

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And how does the hook go like?

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(break counter dinging)
(Fink laughing)

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♪ The hook, I'm really glad you asked ♪

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♪ Is ♪

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♪ Oh ♪
(Actually laughing)

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♪ She rappin' ♪
(break counter dinging)

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♪ She rappin' and she's tappin' ♪

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♪ She's rappin' and she's tappin' ♪

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♪ She's rappin' and she's tappin' ♪

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♪ And she's spinnin' around ♪

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(snaps fingers)
- Great stuff, Fink.

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(break counter dinging)
I'll be hummin'

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that one all (laughs) the way home

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(break counter dinging)
to my terrible husband.

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(Fink laughing)
- Let's turn now

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to our chief economy
person, Damp Probably.

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Damp?

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- Thanks, Dad. (laughs)

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(break counter dinging)
(Actually laughing)

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The economy slipped today,
down a Slip N' Slide.

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Which always looks super
fun in the commercials,

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but just ends up chaffing
your rum tum and your tugger.

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(break counter dinging)
A stone cold id bummer

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(Actually laughing)
that left the economy

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(break counter dinging)

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a sad little baby whose
friends all probably have

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a text chain without him.

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Then the economy brightened considerably,

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on news that its ex got
fired from their job,

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before spiraling again after eating

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a third bowl of Frosted Flakes

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when it promised itself the
second was the last bowl.

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Said the economy, "I should
be allowed to doubt myself.

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"I have to give my permission
to have down days."

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Then it cried and cried.

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Which is also allowed.

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- It better be.

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Ooh, quick question.

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Damp, how do derivatives work?

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- Interesting.

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So a derivative is the slope,

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is the slope of a curve.

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- Can you rap it?

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- I will not, and I have
not been asked to! (laughs)

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The derivative is a slope of a curve,

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so to do it--
- I mean, I did.

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(Actually laughing)
(break counter dinging)

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- Well, I wasn't asked to,

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so I only do what I'm told.
(Fink laughing)

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(break counter dinging)
So if you have an equation,

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you actually just add one to the exponent,

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and then you divide--
- Could you rap it, please?

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- I actually wasn't--
(Actually beat boxing)

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(break counter dinging)
- Question about exponents.

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Could you define them?

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- Yeah, you can find an,

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what do you mean, find one?

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- No, define, like, yeah.
- Oh, define.

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An exponent is like what,

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like, three to the third,

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that means three times three times three.

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Do you get it?
- Which is what?

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Which is what?
- Which is not,

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Oh my God, 27.
(break counter dinging)

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- A quick follow-up.

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I do think that we were
talking about derivatives

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in the economic sense, not
in the mathematical sense.

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- They're very interrelated, asshole!

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- Okay, all right, great.

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(break counter dinging)
Actually, Dad!

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(Fink laughing)
(break counter dinging)

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- Thank you, I just love
your mother so much.

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(Actually laughing)
(break counter dinging)

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- Anyway, it's the
fucking slope of a curve.

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So if you're looking for the derivative

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of a curve in economics,

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I'm sure it just means
like the growth rate

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of some fucking stock.

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- Sounds like my 401(k) would
be in trouble, if I had one.

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- Well, that's all the
time we have for tonight.

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I'm Actually Geese.

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- And I'm just really tryin'
to make this marriage stick,

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you little snot,

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so meet me halfway here.

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- Before we go, we should say

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that our loser this week is Elaine.

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♪ Ooh, she can't stop laughin' ♪
(Actually laughing)

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♪ She can't stop laughin' ♪

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Except for now.

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- Thanks for watching.
(dramatic dinging)