WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.190 --> 00:00:02.560 - [Announcer] From West Hollywood California, 2 00:00:02.560 --> 00:00:04.340 the only news team that doesn't know 3 00:00:04.340 --> 00:00:07.050 what's on the teleprompter before they read it. 4 00:00:07.050 --> 00:00:10.090 Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. 5 00:00:10.090 --> 00:00:11.810 This is Breaking News 6 00:00:11.810 --> 00:00:14.870 (Upbeat music) 7 00:00:14.870 --> 00:00:16.730 - Hello, and welcome to Breaking News, 8 00:00:16.730 --> 00:00:18.780 the show where we don't know what we're about to say 9 00:00:18.780 --> 00:00:20.920 and we're not allowed to smile or laugh. 10 00:00:20.920 --> 00:00:22.880 Before we get started today I would just like to say, 11 00:00:22.880 --> 00:00:25.450 I'm selling my car, and it doesn't smell bad 12 00:00:25.450 --> 00:00:27.900 and you could have it at a great price. 13 00:00:27.900 --> 00:00:30.790 - It does smell bad, it smells very bad. 14 00:00:30.790 --> 00:00:33.340 The smell is the only thing I remember about it. 15 00:00:33.340 --> 00:00:36.410 - Well, if it smells bad it's because you demanded 16 00:00:36.410 --> 00:00:39.098 to eat pulled pork tacos in there yesterday (laughs), 17 00:00:39.098 --> 00:00:40.570 with the windows up. 18 00:00:40.570 --> 00:00:42.160 - I'm extremely angry. 19 00:00:42.160 --> 00:00:43.840 - That's ridiculous. 20 00:00:43.840 --> 00:00:44.910 - [Katie] I'm furious. 21 00:00:44.910 --> 00:00:46.030 - Okay, enough of this. 22 00:00:46.030 --> 00:00:48.184 - I don't want to be your friend anymore. 23 00:00:48.184 --> 00:00:49.190 - Okay. 24 00:00:49.190 --> 00:00:51.210 - Okay, our first story tonight 25 00:00:51.210 --> 00:00:53.520 is the most simple story there is. 26 00:00:53.520 --> 00:00:56.760 A man got sucked into a trash compactor. 27 00:00:56.760 --> 00:00:58.400 There it is, the end. 28 00:00:58.400 --> 00:00:59.466 Nothing more to sat about that. 29 00:00:59.466 --> 00:01:01.095 - I do wanna say one more thing about my car, however. 30 00:01:01.095 --> 00:01:02.680 - Don't! 31 00:01:02.680 --> 00:01:03.660 - Its my car. 32 00:01:03.660 --> 00:01:05.208 It is for sale, and smells good. 33 00:01:05.208 --> 00:01:08.130 The smell in there is good, its very good, 34 00:01:08.130 --> 00:01:09.150 and if there is a smell, 35 00:01:09.150 --> 00:01:12.380 and this car is gonna be a great place for you 36 00:01:12.380 --> 00:01:14.170 to make memories with your family. 37 00:01:14.170 --> 00:01:17.020 So I myself have had memories in the car. 38 00:01:17.020 --> 00:01:21.640 For example, one time I found a little mouse in there, 39 00:01:21.640 --> 00:01:24.690 and I realized it had been living in the engine, 40 00:01:24.690 --> 00:01:28.840 and the sad thing is the mouse was dead when I found it, 41 00:01:28.840 --> 00:01:30.980 because it had been living in the engine 42 00:01:30.980 --> 00:01:33.189 and I had been using the engine. 43 00:01:33.189 --> 00:01:34.248 ( Carolyn laughs) 44 00:01:34.248 --> 00:01:36.170 - (clears throat) That's fantastic. 45 00:01:36.170 --> 00:01:38.687 Oh, by the way my name is Lenard Dog. 46 00:01:38.687 --> 00:01:40.810 - Oh, and I'm Incredible Cheese. 47 00:01:40.810 --> 00:01:43.440 Our second story of the day concerns the weather, 48 00:01:43.440 --> 00:01:44.880 so now we throw it over to someone 49 00:01:44.880 --> 00:01:48.310 who always clears up our rainy day, our weather person. 50 00:01:48.310 --> 00:01:49.770 - Thanks Incredible Cheese. 51 00:01:49.770 --> 00:01:51.790 Well, its gonna rain all day, 52 00:01:51.790 --> 00:01:54.310 but I'd like to take this moment to ignore the weather, 53 00:01:54.310 --> 00:01:57.670 and tell you about my new movie script "Can't Be Me!" 54 00:01:57.670 --> 00:01:59.450 - We'd prefer you stick to the weather. 55 00:01:59.450 --> 00:02:01.300 - No, no, lets hear them out. 56 00:02:01.300 --> 00:02:02.390 I love movies. 57 00:02:02.390 --> 00:02:04.450 I love my dog at the movies. 58 00:02:04.450 --> 00:02:06.590 Nope, I lost my dog at the movies 59 00:02:06.590 --> 00:02:07.760 and wasn't even sad about it. 60 00:02:07.760 --> 00:02:09.440 Movie is so fun. 61 00:02:09.440 --> 00:02:10.767 - Thank you for saying that! 62 00:02:10.767 --> 00:02:13.240 "Can't be me!" is a coming of age tale 63 00:02:13.240 --> 00:02:17.210 where a small mouse, trapped inside of an engine 64 00:02:17.210 --> 00:02:20.620 fights for its life, clawing its bloody way up 65 00:02:20.620 --> 00:02:21.770 the sides of the engine 66 00:02:21.770 --> 00:02:24.620 but oh no, the engine's too hot 67 00:02:24.620 --> 00:02:28.893 and the mouse dies in the end, and then is of age. 68 00:02:30.580 --> 00:02:34.410 - You know the same thing happened to me, but in the 1990s. 69 00:02:34.410 --> 00:02:38.170 - I could see that, but also I hate to think about that. 70 00:02:38.170 --> 00:02:40.190 It's disgusting to me. 71 00:02:40.190 --> 00:02:41.930 To picture you doing that? 72 00:02:41.930 --> 00:02:43.570 I find it disgusting. 73 00:02:43.570 --> 00:02:44.403 Yuck! 74 00:02:44.403 --> 00:02:45.236 - But wait! 75 00:02:45.236 --> 00:02:47.480 I see there is a tornado coming 76 00:02:47.480 --> 00:02:49.190 straight to the box office 77 00:02:49.190 --> 00:02:52.880 with "Can't Be Me 2: Out for Death" the hit sequel! 78 00:02:52.880 --> 00:02:53.840 I love sequels. 79 00:02:53.840 --> 00:02:56.570 The word sequel makes think of a squealing seagull, 80 00:02:56.570 --> 00:02:58.710 which reminds me of the beach, sequel, 81 00:02:58.710 --> 00:03:01.820 which reminds me of what I will leave to my kids, 82 00:03:01.820 --> 00:03:03.410 nothing but a bottle of sand. 83 00:03:03.410 --> 00:03:04.780 - I too love sequels, 84 00:03:04.780 --> 00:03:06.490 but because it reminds me 85 00:03:06.490 --> 00:03:09.620 that there is always the possibility for a second chance. 86 00:03:09.620 --> 00:03:10.453 - [Carolyn] Bunga! Bunga! 87 00:03:10.453 --> 00:03:11.286 Bunga! 88 00:03:11.286 --> 00:03:14.020 That is what this sequel is all about! 89 00:03:14.020 --> 00:03:16.910 The mouse is back from the dead. 90 00:03:16.910 --> 00:03:19.600 This time with a robo-buddy. 91 00:03:19.600 --> 00:03:21.470 That's right, R2D2. 92 00:03:21.470 --> 00:03:23.470 They are trapped in the engine together, 93 00:03:23.470 --> 00:03:25.720 but its a bigger engine this time, maybe a truck, 94 00:03:25.720 --> 00:03:27.530 maybe the truck is red on the outside, 95 00:03:27.530 --> 00:03:29.566 I don't know much about cars, they live together, 96 00:03:29.566 --> 00:03:32.010 and they're roommates in this engine. 97 00:03:32.010 --> 00:03:33.617 But then, oh no, at the end, 98 00:03:33.617 --> 00:03:36.210 the engine gets too hot and they die. 99 00:03:36.210 --> 00:03:38.710 - Yeah, correct. 100 00:03:38.710 --> 00:03:40.091 - No friend! 101 00:03:40.091 --> 00:03:41.060 (Carolyn laughs) 102 00:03:41.060 --> 00:03:43.600 - And with that its time to enter the sports world. 103 00:03:43.600 --> 00:03:45.320 - Incredible games this week friends. 104 00:03:45.320 --> 00:03:47.200 It's really been a wild time. 105 00:03:47.200 --> 00:03:50.480 Let me tell you, the high school games have been just great. 106 00:03:50.480 --> 00:03:52.680 - I think we'd like to hear about the professional games. 107 00:03:52.680 --> 00:03:54.920 - Well, unfortunately my daughter Ole Sarah 108 00:03:54.920 --> 00:03:56.240 isn't a professional yet, 109 00:03:56.240 --> 00:03:58.330 so I didn't see any professional games. 110 00:03:58.330 --> 00:04:02.100 - What I did see through, was a lot of the Port-o-John 111 00:04:02.100 --> 00:04:03.830 off Route two. 112 00:04:03.830 --> 00:04:07.360 I had a terrible case of violent IBS on our way to the game 113 00:04:07.360 --> 00:04:10.604 and had to plop into that thing for about a half hour or so. 114 00:04:10.604 --> 00:04:12.180 - Good God, friend. 115 00:04:12.180 --> 00:04:14.206 - God was not there to be my friend on that day. 116 00:04:14.206 --> 00:04:15.160 (Carolyn laughs) 117 00:04:15.160 --> 00:04:17.190 Not like when I won unlimited bananas 118 00:04:17.190 --> 00:04:18.280 on my flight to Hawaii. 119 00:04:18.280 --> 00:04:19.820 Now that was a wild time. 120 00:04:19.820 --> 00:04:22.350 - Let us return to sports, I beg you, I feel sick. 121 00:04:22.350 --> 00:04:23.183 - But of course. 122 00:04:23.183 --> 00:04:25.060 Ole Sarah scored one goal, 123 00:04:25.060 --> 00:04:26.910 but then was ejected from the game 124 00:04:26.910 --> 00:04:29.500 for throwing her pocket potato at an opposing player. 125 00:04:29.500 --> 00:04:31.160 - Her pocket potato? 126 00:04:31.160 --> 00:04:32.260 What is that? 127 00:04:32.260 --> 00:04:34.190 I love the sound of it, but I don't know what it is. 128 00:04:34.190 --> 00:04:35.023 ( Patrick giggling) 129 00:04:35.023 --> 00:04:37.140 - Well, the potato she keeps in her pocket, 130 00:04:37.140 --> 00:04:38.080 its right in the name. 131 00:04:38.080 --> 00:04:39.700 Let me describe this potato for you. 132 00:04:39.700 --> 00:04:41.150 So its a... 133 00:04:41.150 --> 00:04:42.890 You've seen potatoes before? - No. 134 00:04:42.890 --> 00:04:45.680 - This is pretty much like most of the ones that you seen, 135 00:04:45.680 --> 00:04:47.920 except it fits in your pocket, 136 00:04:47.920 --> 00:04:48.820 and it doesn't-- - I don't understand. 137 00:04:48.820 --> 00:04:50.126 - Huh? - I don't understand. 138 00:04:50.126 --> 00:04:51.660 - (laughs) Okay, I don't know how the hell 139 00:04:51.660 --> 00:04:53.180 better to explain this. 140 00:04:53.180 --> 00:04:56.610 So its a potato, but its cleaner 141 00:04:56.610 --> 00:04:58.780 than the ones that you've normally picked up, 142 00:04:58.780 --> 00:05:00.840 like at a Trader Joe's, or some... 143 00:05:00.840 --> 00:05:02.650 I dunno where you grocery shop. 144 00:05:02.650 --> 00:05:04.660 Trader Joe's has great potatoes! 145 00:05:04.660 --> 00:05:06.230 - Are these potatoes one size fits all? 146 00:05:06.230 --> 00:05:07.849 - 'Cause I have different sized pockets. 147 00:05:07.849 --> 00:05:10.065 (suspense music) 148 00:05:10.065 --> 00:05:10.900 (laughs) 149 00:05:10.900 --> 00:05:14.680 - Its a potato that will fit like a side pocket. 150 00:05:14.680 --> 00:05:17.100 - Well that is fucked. 151 00:05:17.100 --> 00:05:18.050 - Hey buddy! 152 00:05:18.050 --> 00:05:19.380 Enough out of you. 153 00:05:19.380 --> 00:05:21.880 After what I did for you last week, 154 00:05:21.880 --> 00:05:22.920 That wasn't so easy! 155 00:05:22.920 --> 00:05:26.090 So many gerbils around, that wasn't easy, okay? 156 00:05:26.090 --> 00:05:27.770 That's a lot of gerbils. 157 00:05:27.770 --> 00:05:29.530 It was a lot! 158 00:05:29.530 --> 00:05:31.170 And it wasn't right! 159 00:05:31.170 --> 00:05:33.560 The amount of gerbils wasn't right! 160 00:05:33.560 --> 00:05:36.150 I didn't forget about that, neither should you, okay? 161 00:05:36.150 --> 00:05:38.450 - Okay, and it appears we are approaching 162 00:05:38.450 --> 00:05:39.620 the end of our broadcast, 163 00:05:39.620 --> 00:05:41.530 which is as good of a time as I need to tell you 164 00:05:41.530 --> 00:05:46.120 my car is still for sale, and (laughs) it is a great deal. 165 00:05:46.120 --> 00:05:47.510 - Enough of that! 166 00:05:47.510 --> 00:05:48.870 I told you! 167 00:05:48.870 --> 00:05:51.685 I told you enough of that at the beginning! 168 00:05:51.685 --> 00:05:52.518 Enough! 169 00:05:52.518 --> 00:05:53.400 Eeeeenough of this! 170 00:05:54.359 --> 00:05:55.192 - Look at me when you're yelling at me. 171 00:05:55.192 --> 00:05:57.570 - And our final news story of the night, 172 00:05:57.570 --> 00:06:00.367 we take you inside my head, where I am thinking, 173 00:06:00.367 --> 00:06:04.050 "This has been the most Gangam Style--" 174 00:06:04.050 --> 00:06:04.883 - Gamgam. 175 00:06:04.883 --> 00:06:05.925 - Gangam. 176 00:06:05.925 --> 00:06:06.758 - Gangam. 177 00:06:06.758 --> 00:06:07.591 - Gangam. 178 00:06:07.591 --> 00:06:08.424 - [All the Cast] Gangam. 179 00:06:08.424 --> 00:06:09.257 (Raph laughs) - Gangam. 180 00:06:09.257 --> 00:06:10.923 - Gangam. - Nobody knows what its is. 181 00:06:10.923 --> 00:06:12.207 - Gangam. - Gangam. 182 00:06:12.207 --> 00:06:13.420 - Gangam Style. 183 00:06:13.420 --> 00:06:14.423 - Nobody knows. 184 00:06:14.423 --> 00:06:16.910 - Style episode we have ever done. 185 00:06:16.910 --> 00:06:20.770 Oppa, oppa, oppa, wompam. (Carolyn laughs) 186 00:06:20.770 --> 00:06:22.650 And I feel a little sick, and I wonder. 187 00:06:22.650 --> 00:06:23.940 I wonder! 188 00:06:23.940 --> 00:06:25.930 I Wonder! ( Raph laughs) 189 00:06:25.930 --> 00:06:27.340 - And that's today's news. 190 00:06:27.340 --> 00:06:28.830 Before we go, we have to announce 191 00:06:28.830 --> 00:06:31.783 the loser this afternoon is, Carolyn. 192 00:06:31.783 --> 00:06:32.616 - (whispers) Fuck. 193 00:06:32.616 --> 00:06:33.449 - Thank you for watching. 194 00:06:33.449 --> 00:06:34.807 - I didn't say it right. 195 00:06:34.807 --> 00:06:36.030 - Gangam. 196 00:06:36.030 --> 00:06:38.557 ( Raph laughs) 197 00:06:38.557 --> 00:06:40.240 - Gangam Style is one of the funniest things. 198 00:06:40.240 --> 00:06:41.073 - Shut up.