WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.180 --> 00:00:02.530 - [Announcer] From West Hollywood, California, 2 00:00:02.530 --> 00:00:04.340 the only news team that doesn't know 3 00:00:04.340 --> 00:00:07.030 what's on the teleprompter before they read it. 4 00:00:07.030 --> 00:00:10.200 Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points. 5 00:00:10.200 --> 00:00:12.455 This is Breaking News. 6 00:00:12.455 --> 00:00:14.780 (upbeat music) 7 00:00:14.780 --> 00:00:16.210 - Hello and welcome to Breaking News. 8 00:00:16.210 --> 00:00:18.380 The show where we don't now what we're about to say 9 00:00:18.380 --> 00:00:20.440 and we're not allowed to smile or laugh. 10 00:00:20.440 --> 00:00:21.273 I'm Marc Maron. 11 00:00:21.273 --> 00:00:23.820 - And I'm Stamps Dotcom. (Val sighing) 12 00:00:23.820 --> 00:00:25.560 - Tonight down at Dino's Bar and Grill 13 00:00:25.560 --> 00:00:27.780 when a kitchen accident during their half-priced 14 00:00:27.780 --> 00:00:30.590 bananas fosters night resulted in a horrific blaze 15 00:00:30.590 --> 00:00:32.810 that smelled absolutely incredible, 16 00:00:32.810 --> 00:00:35.110 37 people were caramelized in total. 17 00:00:35.110 --> 00:00:36.560 - Our condolences (laughs), 18 00:00:36.560 --> 00:00:38.070 our condolences go out to their families 19 00:00:38.070 --> 00:00:39.520 and our congratulations go out 20 00:00:39.520 --> 00:00:42.360 to the giant whom descends upon the hills to eat people 21 00:00:42.360 --> 00:00:44.520 because dessert is served, big fella. 22 00:00:44.520 --> 00:00:48.210 In other news, that dog in Russia sent to space is back 23 00:00:48.210 --> 00:00:50.730 and it turns out he's a big time asshole now. 24 00:00:50.730 --> 00:00:52.130 - He's fine, he can talk now 25 00:00:52.130 --> 00:00:53.850 and he thinks he's better than us. 26 00:00:53.850 --> 00:00:55.560 The only thing stinkier than his breath 27 00:00:55.560 --> 00:00:57.050 is his piss poor attitude 28 00:00:57.050 --> 00:00:58.780 and scientists are having none of it. 29 00:00:58.780 --> 00:01:01.490 You know I was always more of a cat person anyways. 30 00:01:01.490 --> 00:01:02.390 What about you Marc? 31 00:01:02.390 --> 00:01:05.647 - Well Stamps, I feel (laughs), 32 00:01:05.647 --> 00:01:07.690 I feel nothing all the time. 33 00:01:07.690 --> 00:01:09.920 I simply look at the faces of other people 34 00:01:09.920 --> 00:01:13.000 and minor their, mirror their impressions. 35 00:01:13.000 --> 00:01:14.280 I cannot do that with animals 36 00:01:14.280 --> 00:01:16.220 because their face geometry is unlike my own, 37 00:01:16.220 --> 00:01:18.867 and as such, I find them intensely frightening. 38 00:01:18.867 --> 00:01:20.530 - Hmm. - Speaking of sports, 39 00:01:20.530 --> 00:01:23.910 let's move on to our sports correspondent, Val Valentine. 40 00:01:23.910 --> 00:01:25.340 - Is that me? 41 00:01:25.340 --> 00:01:26.600 Thanks, Marc. 42 00:01:26.600 --> 00:01:27.980 I'm here at the World Cup, 43 00:01:27.980 --> 00:01:30.020 just absolutely slamming bottles 44 00:01:30.020 --> 00:01:32.210 of Blue Raspberry Mad Dog 2020. 45 00:01:32.210 --> 00:01:33.630 My teeth are blue. 46 00:01:33.630 --> 00:01:35.640 The crowd is roaring and I told an usher 47 00:01:35.640 --> 00:01:39.934 that I'll go jail before I go to my assigned seat. 48 00:01:39.934 --> 00:01:41.734 - (laughs) Glad to hear hear it, DV. 49 00:01:43.440 --> 00:01:45.770 Who's winning over there? 50 00:01:45.770 --> 00:01:50.770 - England is currently up 17 hyphen zero over India, 51 00:01:51.620 --> 00:01:55.090 in a thrashing so decisive it recalls years 52 00:01:55.090 --> 00:01:57.237 of crushing imperialism. 53 00:01:57.237 --> 00:01:58.460 - Ouch! 54 00:01:58.460 --> 00:01:59.600 That's got to hurt. 55 00:01:59.600 --> 00:02:01.760 - Well, no one likes to lose. 56 00:02:01.760 --> 00:02:03.640 - Not that, our key grip was just crushed 57 00:02:03.640 --> 00:02:05.250 by that falling light fixture. 58 00:02:05.250 --> 00:02:06.800 - Sorry to hear that, Marc. 59 00:02:06.800 --> 00:02:08.630 Is he doing the Looney Tunes thing 60 00:02:08.630 --> 00:02:11.030 where he just is kind of a little puck of a man 61 00:02:11.030 --> 00:02:12.335 with two shoes sticking out, 62 00:02:12.335 --> 00:02:14.240 (laughing) waddling around the studio? 63 00:02:14.240 --> 00:02:15.110 - He absolutely is 64 00:02:15.110 --> 00:02:18.480 and it is nowhere near as fun as I thought it would be. 65 00:02:18.480 --> 00:02:20.290 Any more sports, DV? 66 00:02:20.290 --> 00:02:21.640 - Sure. 67 00:02:21.640 --> 00:02:24.610 Baseball, tennis, there's lots. 68 00:02:24.610 --> 00:02:25.800 - Good to know. 69 00:02:25.800 --> 00:02:27.350 - A new development here is the studio, 70 00:02:27.350 --> 00:02:28.400 it's on my leg. 71 00:02:28.400 --> 00:02:30.880 It's a rash and it won't stop whispering to me. 72 00:02:30.880 --> 00:02:32.020 - Oh, what's it saying Marc? 73 00:02:32.020 --> 00:02:34.570 - I don't know, but the tongue sounds ancient. 74 00:02:34.570 --> 00:02:35.690 - Ooh, not to interrupt, 75 00:02:35.690 --> 00:02:37.610 but we've got some breaking news coming in. 76 00:02:37.610 --> 00:02:39.980 We'll take you to our field correspondent in Borneo 77 00:02:39.980 --> 00:02:42.570 where a huge discovery has just been made. 78 00:02:42.570 --> 00:02:44.730 - Hello, this is Temple Grandin Junior 79 00:02:44.730 --> 00:02:46.270 reporting live from Borneo. 80 00:02:46.270 --> 00:02:49.060 Where biologists have discovered a brand new animal. 81 00:02:49.060 --> 00:02:50.650 - Can you tell us a little about it? 82 00:02:50.650 --> 00:02:53.440 - Well, first off, it's fucking awful. 83 00:02:53.440 --> 00:02:55.440 Everyone hates it and we're all mad. 84 00:02:55.440 --> 00:02:56.470 - How was it discovered? 85 00:02:56.470 --> 00:02:58.330 - Well, the biologists were eating lunch, 86 00:02:58.330 --> 00:03:01.160 when an absolute stench wafted out of a cave 87 00:03:01.160 --> 00:03:04.310 and they were like, "What the fuck is that?" 88 00:03:04.310 --> 00:03:06.040 At first they speculated it might be 89 00:03:06.040 --> 00:03:07.640 some sort of rotting carcass 90 00:03:07.640 --> 00:03:09.800 or a little pyramid made of turds, 91 00:03:09.800 --> 00:03:12.950 a Poop (laughs), (Stamps laughing) 92 00:03:12.950 --> 00:03:14.880 if you will. 93 00:03:14.880 --> 00:03:17.200 But they decided to stop eating the one large plate 94 00:03:17.200 --> 00:03:18.927 of spaghetti they were all sharing, 95 00:03:18.927 --> 00:03:21.540 "Lady and the Tramp" style, and investigate. 96 00:03:21.540 --> 00:03:24.300 And let me tell you, scientifically, it was a success, 97 00:03:24.300 --> 00:03:26.890 but on a personal level, they all regret it deeply. 98 00:03:26.890 --> 00:03:28.680 - So tell us about this little fella. 99 00:03:28.680 --> 00:03:29.800 What's his name? 100 00:03:29.800 --> 00:03:31.320 - Well, here's the rundown. 101 00:03:31.320 --> 00:03:33.010 This new creature is two feet tall 102 00:03:33.010 --> 00:03:35.560 and every inch of it smells like shit. 103 00:03:35.560 --> 00:03:37.610 It pisses out of it's mouth 104 00:03:37.610 --> 00:03:39.920 and poops out if it's sweat glands. 105 00:03:39.920 --> 00:03:42.010 It's an absolute nightmare biologically 106 00:03:42.010 --> 00:03:43.990 and hates humans. 107 00:03:43.990 --> 00:03:46.260 The first thing it did was climb up one of the scientists, 108 00:03:46.260 --> 00:03:49.010 pull out all of her hair and throw it in the river. 109 00:03:49.010 --> 00:03:51.580 It's called a Grant and the entire team agrees 110 00:03:51.580 --> 00:03:53.750 it's the worst animal yet. 111 00:03:53.750 --> 00:03:56.100 - Well I think I know my family's next pet. 112 00:03:56.100 --> 00:03:57.570 - Do not do that! 113 00:03:57.570 --> 00:03:58.580 - I'll take one. 114 00:03:58.580 --> 00:04:00.920 - Do you guys even listen to me when I'm talking? 115 00:04:00.920 --> 00:04:02.710 - Stay safe out there, TG. 116 00:04:02.710 --> 00:04:03.920 - What a guy. 117 00:04:03.920 --> 00:04:04.900 I hope he lives forever. 118 00:04:04.900 --> 00:04:06.050 - No one lives forever, Marc. 119 00:04:06.050 --> 00:04:08.150 - Then why do I remember World War I. 120 00:04:08.150 --> 00:04:09.460 - Well, that's all the time we have. 121 00:04:09.460 --> 00:04:13.200 Before we go our loser of the week is me, Tao Yang. 122 00:04:13.200 --> 00:04:14.033 Total dummy. 123 00:04:14.033 --> 00:04:16.760 That's right, I am a total dumb ass. 124 00:04:16.760 --> 00:04:18.670 - Can't believe you kept laughing. 125 00:04:18.670 --> 00:04:19.503 - I did. 126 00:04:19.503 --> 00:04:21.534 I can't not laugh at Poopamid. 127 00:04:21.534 --> 00:04:26.534 - (laughs) Little hockey puck guy waddling around. 128 00:04:26.961 --> 00:04:30.650 (reporters laughing) 129 00:04:30.650 --> 00:04:31.783 - All righty with that.