WEBVTT

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- [Narrator] From West
Hollywood, California,

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the only news team that doesn't know

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what's on the teleprompter
before they read it.

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Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points.

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This is Breaking News.

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(Dramatic music)

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- Welcome to breaking news the only show

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where we have no idea
what were about to say,

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and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh.

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I'm Baby Ducklings That
Think Their Mom Is A Cat.

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(dramatic sound effect)

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- And I'm the aforementioned cat.

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Just kidding.

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I'm on Jane

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Simpson.

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(Grant laughs)
(dramatic sound)

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- Firefighters were called to
a Vestavia Hills home when--

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(stumbles on words)
(dramatic sound)

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Okay, you know.

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Firefighters were called
to a Vestavia Hills home

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when a local man was stuck in a chimney

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at a family Christmas stunt gone wrong.

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- The man apparently got
halfway down the chimney

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of the shitty little house,

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then remembered that he
didn't celebrate Christmas,

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and that scared him for some reason.

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- The firefighters on the scene

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had to use the jaws of life

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to absolutely rip that
chimney another asshole

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and an awesome display

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of firefighter versus chimney.

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- Awesome indeed, Baby Ducklings.

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- Hmm.

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- I can show people a picture later

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if you give me three days

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to pull it up on my old ass phone.

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- Oh I'd love to see that Oh Jane.

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- If anyone can hear me

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I think I'm running out of air.

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- Up next, Raisins.

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Are they really anything?

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A new report shows

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that eating just three raisins a day

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are enough to make you gross to be around.

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Gross like a greasy teenage cousin

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that only ever wears the same

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two thread bare Hot Topic t-shirts.

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(laughs)
(dramatic sound effect)

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And it's not like he's poor.

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You're positive he's got other clothes.

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I guess he's just Tyler being Tyler.

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Are you not entertained?

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Well than get ready for entertainment news

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with Mr. Juicy Cauldron.

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- Hi.

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Mr.Juicy Cauldron here with
this week's entertainment beat.

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In movie news, a sequel
to "Saving Private Ryan"

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has finally been green lit.

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(laughs)
(dramatic sound effect)

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"Losing Grand Daddy Private Ryan",

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will follow Ryan's bad
grandchildren as they find out

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what to do when Grandpa goes bye bye.

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That's right, their Paw
Paw has ski daddled,

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and it's up to them to make a new Grandpa

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out of materials lying around the house.

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The three Grandchildren have one hour each

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to make the best fake Grandpa.

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After which they face the
judges Tom Colicchio--

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(Grant Laughs)
(dramatic sound effect)

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And Padma Lakshmi who will
decide which new Grandpa

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they should bring to life

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with their magic powerful judge magic.

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(dramatic sound effect)

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I guess when I said movie news, I lied.

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This is a reality show on Food Network.

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(laughs)
(dramatic sound effect)

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But can I say--

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(dramatic sound effect)

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You mess with the cauldron,
you're gonna get the juice.

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Ouch, ouch, ow!

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A searing pain just shot through my dick.

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(laughs)
(dramatic sound effect)

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- You gonna get that checked out, Juice?

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- Get what checked?

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My oil?

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Oil of oregano.
(dramatic sound effect)

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No, no, no.

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- Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin

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reportedly tied the know this weekend

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in a small ceremony on
Gullah Gullah Island.

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Justin, dying to be a Cub Scout,

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had just been working at the--

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(stumbles on words)

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Oh God.
(dramatic sound effect)

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Justin, dying to be a cub scout,

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had been working on his
knot tying badge for weeks,

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and finally got Hailey to
help him cheat on the test,

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just before breaking up with her

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and buying some fresh Crocs.

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- Shut up you idiots.

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We have some breaking news.

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There's been reports of a moose

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running through the Mall of America.

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We go live to Deuce Bigalow,

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(dramatic sound effect)
Irish seamstress on the scene.

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- Thanks Oh Jane.

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I'm here live at the Mall of America

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where the moose is indeed loose.

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Local authorities must
deduce the correct method

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to boost this loose moose

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from the mall's very own train caboose.

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- Deuce, have they tried
yelling at the moose?

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Yelling loud things like,
"Get outta here Moose!"

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or, "If you don't leave
I'll call the moose cops!"

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- Or maybe something like,

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"You're just a tall deer
and everyone knows that!

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You have to leave!"

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- How about yelling,
"Moose, you're canceled!"

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- They've indeed tried
yelling all those things.

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They've also tried calling it an Uber

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and turning all the open signs to closed.

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But this moose is one smart goose.

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- I've decided my name is
now Mr. Moosy Cauldron.

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No wait, Moose Vilanche.

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(laughs)
(dramatic sound effect)

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No wait, Benedodo Cummerbunso.

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(dramatic sound effect)

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Wee I'm Rachel now.

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(laughs)
(dramatic sound effect)

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- Oh this just in.

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They've lost the moose in Build-a-Bear

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and are just gonna call it a day.

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- That's probably good enough.

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- As we wrap up our newscast,

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Oh Jane has something he wants to share.

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- That's right, Baby Ducklings.

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Tonight is my final newscast as co-anchor.

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Co-lead anchor.

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As I step down from this post

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I can't help but remember all
the amazing news we've broken.

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And the journalism we've journaled.

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- I speak for everyone when I say, trees?

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(sighs)

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(breaths deeply)

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(swallows loudly)

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(breaths deeply)

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Well are you sure we
can't get you to stay?

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- You've convinced me, I'll stay.

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My real phone number is--

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(David and Brennan laugh)
(dramatic sound effect)

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(Grant laughs)
(dramatic sound effect)

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My real phone number is--

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(bleeping noise)

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That's my real phone number.

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(dramatic sound effect)

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- Wonderful.

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- Well that's all the time we have.

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This week's loser is of course me.

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Of course.

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(sighs)

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Goodnight to all our viewers.

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Goodnight and good baby ducklings.

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- Woo!

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- I'm gonna call you now.

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- Yep, everybody can.

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- I'm gonna call you
our executive producer.

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- I'm awaiting that call.
- All right.

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- Amongst others.