WEBVTT

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- [Announcer] From West
Hollywood, California,

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the only news team that doesn't know

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what's on the teleprompter
before they read it.

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Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points.

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This is Breaking News.

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(upbeat warbling music)

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- This is Breaking News.

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The show where we don't
know what we're about to say

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and we're not allowed to smile
or laugh, I'm Jessica Crispy.

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- And I'm Chunky Scoop,
(electronic pulsing)

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the bad boy of the group,

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and I'm here to serve it up piping hot

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all night long,
(electronic pulsing)

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'til the break of dawn.

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From coast to coast, doing
the most, can't nobody stop me

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except for a ghost.
(electronic pulsing)

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Are you nasty hoes ready for some news?

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(electronic pulsing)

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- Give it to 'em Chunk!

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- Today's top story, the
popular over-the-counter drug

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(electronic pulsing)
Flox-I-tox,

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known commonly as Grandma's Musk,

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hit record sales earlier this year

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as an easy way for elderly women

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to grow thick and lustrous facial hair,

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like they've always yearned for.

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- That's right.

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Previously smooth-cheeked and pathetic,

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old ladies everywhere delighted

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in the effects of Grandma's Musk,

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slurping the recommended
half liter serving

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of the spicy yellow syrup in
order to sprout out a beard,

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goatee, soul patch, mutton chops,

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or many other fun and flirty
styles from their face.

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- I'll tell you what, if
I were still on Tinder,

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I'd swipe right!

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But I'm not on Tinder anymore
because I'm not allowed.

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You want to know why, send me a DM.

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- I'll send you one right
now, what's your handle?

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- Same as always, @CottageCheeseBikini.

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- Now I'm told there are some
pretty serious side effects

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from this medication.
(electronic pulsing)

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- There sure are.

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Side effects include...

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Improvise 10 side effects.

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Um...
(muffled snickering)

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(sputtering laughing)
Having as face.

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- Yes, having a face.

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- (mumbles) God, butt cheeks.

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- [Katie] Butt cheeks.

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- Face leakage.

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- Face leakage!

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- The feeling that you
should call your mom

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but you never actually get around to it.

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- That one.

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- You're just Nicolas
Cage for a little bit.

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- Nicolas Cage?

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- Sinking!

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- Sinking!

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- The memory of the book "Matilda"

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has disappeared from your
brain, and you don't know why.

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- Tragic.

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- Suddenly you like Trump!

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Sorry.
- Uh-oh.

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- And of course, the big one--

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- This is nine.

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(stifled chuckling)
(electronic pulsing)

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- Yeah and I'm gonna do
a different one for 10.

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- Okay.
- Okay.

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The big one, The Big One
happens in California,

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an earthquake happens.

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And of course 10, you
look like Katie Marovitch,

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and I'm so sorry about that.
(shocked gasping)

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- Hurtful. hurtful, hurtful.

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- Hurtful.

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- Scary stuff.

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Woop, woop, doop, doop, you
know what that sound means.

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It's time for our weekly tech roundup,

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with none other than Pepper Stevens.

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- Thanks Chunky!
(electronic pulsing)

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I'm Pepper Stevens, and I'm
here to keep you in the loop

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about the latest gizmos, gadgets and more.

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- Pepper, I don't think I got your DM.

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Are you sure you sent it
to @CottageCheeseBikini?

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- Move over Siri, Alexa, and Cortana,

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there's a new virtual chick in town,

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her name is Paluba!

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And unlike the other smart
speakers on the market,

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Paluba does not hide the fact

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that she's recording you
24/7 and selling your data.

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So refreshing!

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No more coyness or beating around the bush

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like with that other AI.

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Paluba is an honest and no-nonsense woman.

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She constantly listens,

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has Bluetooth and blackmail functionality,

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and all of her threats
play in rich stereo sound.

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Paluba!

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She cannot be turned
off and retails for 58,

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$580 and zero eight cents,
(electronic pulsing)

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or upside down boobs.

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- I want a Paluba but I'm not allowed.

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- Why?

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- Well I've been banned from
using any and all servers

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as they require a login,
because my password is always

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penis 40 times and it
overfills the entry for that

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which then kind of crashes
every server's database.

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- Yes.

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- Okay.
(electronic pulsing)

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- Any other tech updates Pepper?

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- Yes.

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I just got to try out some
brand new kitchen gadgets.

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For example, I recently made

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some Korean fried chicken wings.

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This was a chicken wings--
- That sounds bad!

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(groaning)
- Yeah.

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- That were coated in a batter
- What a gross

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that was a mixture of flour,
thing you're describing!

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cornstarch.

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So you just want to add water,
- Hey!

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Cut it off!
- Trap!

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- You're gross!
- Fried once,

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then frozen for
- You're a bad cook

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a couple hours,
and everybody knows it.

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- Stop it Traps!
- And anytime you say

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that you've that cooked
- Frozen for a second time.

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something we try it--
- Stop it!

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- And dipped in a mixture--.
- Traps, come on!

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- That sounds disgusting!
- And then we vomit.

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- Rice syrup
- Everywhere.

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and soy sauce.
- Gochujang is delicious,

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but not used that way!
- I don't want

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to talk about that!
- It's bad.

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- [Tao] Uh.

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- Thanks so much Pepper.
(muffled laughing)

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It's time now to go to
our field correspondent,

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Gloot Grizzly, for today's report.

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- Thanks Chump.

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Chumpy, Chunky.

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Thanks Chunky, that's your name!

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I'm here in the sloppy joe
(electronic pulsing)

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capital of the world, Sochi, Russia,

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where hundreds of sloppy joe enthusiasts

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gather every year for the
annual stuff-your-face,

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greasy beef composition.

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This year's grand prize,
$5.000 and a brand new Paluba!

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- How's the competition
heating up so far, Glooty?

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- Well Jessica, I'm going
to be perfectly honest,

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the tournament isn't until next week,

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but the flights to Sochi were

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much cheaper this weekend.
- Yes.

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- So I thought I'd take
advantage of the lower fare.

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They have yet to even set up the arena,

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but I did ask what a woman at the airport

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what she thinks about sloppy
joes and she said, quote,

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"ID and boarding pass please."

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- Oh, sounds tasty, not going to lie!

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- If I had to guess, I'd say it's gonna be

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one hell of a competition.
(teeth clicking)

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Back to you!

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- Thanks Gloot.

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Bring me back a souvenir.

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- Unfortunately I'm not allowed.

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- Oh, why's that?

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- Oh, well, I don't have any money

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because I had to pay for
my own flight to Sochi

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even though it should be a work expense.

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Ugh.
- Yes.

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That's terrible.
- It's bad.

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Woop, woop, doop, doop.

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(sputtering laughing)
(electronic pulsing)

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You know what that
sound means my darlings,

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it's time to wrap up our
program and say good night.

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- But before we go we much
announce this week's loser.

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- And I'm sad to say it's Tao.

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- [Tao] (gasps) What?

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- Good night, and good luck!
- Good night, and good luck!

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- This is bullshit.

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- If you guys want some Korean fried

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chicken wings, I've got--

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- Do you have,
- You have more?

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do you have a gluten-free
- Do you have it?

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version of it, 'cause that

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sounds pretty great.
- Yes.

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- Yeah.
- I can't have things

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that are fried in the same fryer though.

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- I have lupus.

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- Yeah, Katie has lupus.

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- I don't think that has anything to do

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with the food I'm offering y'all.

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- Oh.
(electronic pulsing)