WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.170 --> 00:00:02.530 - [Announcer] From West Hollywood, California 2 00:00:02.530 --> 00:00:04.330 the only news team that doesn't know 3 00:00:04.330 --> 00:00:07.050 what's on the teleprompter before they read it. 4 00:00:07.050 --> 00:00:10.070 Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points. 5 00:00:10.070 --> 00:00:12.422 This is Breaking News. 6 00:00:12.422 --> 00:00:14.860 (intense music) 7 00:00:14.860 --> 00:00:16.140 - Hello, and welcome to The Breaking News, 8 00:00:16.140 --> 00:00:17.850 the show where we have no idea what we're about to say 9 00:00:17.850 --> 00:00:19.810 and aren't allowed to smile or laugh. 10 00:00:19.810 --> 00:00:21.140 I'm Val. 11 00:00:21.140 --> 00:00:23.540 - And I'm Bob We-Had-A-Baby-It's-A-Boy, 12 00:00:23.540 --> 00:00:24.890 like in that one commercial. 13 00:00:24.890 --> 00:00:26.410 - You have to shut up. 14 00:00:26.410 --> 00:00:27.850 - Okay. 15 00:00:27.850 --> 00:00:28.760 - For our first story, 16 00:00:28.760 --> 00:00:31.800 which one of your friends has their amber alerts turned off? 17 00:00:31.800 --> 00:00:34.260 Do they not know when they've been kidnapped, 18 00:00:34.260 --> 00:00:36.883 or are they kidnapping people so much 19 00:00:36.883 --> 00:00:38.330 that they had to turn off the notifications 20 00:00:38.330 --> 00:00:40.690 because their phone was constantly blowing up? 21 00:00:40.690 --> 00:00:42.610 - When asked for comment, Amber said that, 22 00:00:42.610 --> 00:00:45.617 quote, "Every time someone silences my alert, 23 00:00:45.617 --> 00:00:47.960 "it's like they're kidnapping me again." 24 00:00:47.960 --> 00:00:49.360 - Now, a question from last week. 25 00:00:49.360 --> 00:00:51.020 Regis Philbin is actually still alive, 26 00:00:51.020 --> 00:00:53.350 and was not cruel intentioned by Jackee Harry 27 00:00:53.350 --> 00:00:55.130 as previously reported. 28 00:00:55.130 --> 00:00:57.250 - But it was a good guess. 29 00:00:57.250 --> 00:00:58.110 Back to you. 30 00:00:58.110 --> 00:01:00.050 - Thanks, back to you. 31 00:01:00.050 --> 00:01:01.070 - Collect calling. 32 00:01:01.070 --> 00:01:03.480 That's the commercial that my name is from. 33 00:01:03.480 --> 00:01:04.520 - We-Had-a-Baby-it's-a-Boy? 34 00:01:04.520 --> 00:01:05.900 - No, Bob. 35 00:01:05.900 --> 00:01:07.650 - Oh, now, over to the weather. 36 00:01:07.650 --> 00:01:08.760 - I'll handle that. 37 00:01:08.760 --> 00:01:11.030 Now, over the weather. 38 00:01:11.030 --> 00:01:11.863 - Yay! 39 00:01:11.863 --> 00:01:13.603 Sorry, I though I saw Dean Cain. 40 00:01:14.730 --> 00:01:17.100 - Geiko, it was a commercial for Geiko, 41 00:01:17.100 --> 00:01:18.270 not collect calling. 42 00:01:18.270 --> 00:01:19.480 - You gotta shut up. 43 00:01:19.480 --> 00:01:20.660 - Okay. 44 00:01:20.660 --> 00:01:23.830 - Weather is looking real bad out here in the Badlands 45 00:01:23.830 --> 00:01:27.240 of Badland County, and no sign of Dean Cain. 46 00:01:27.240 --> 00:01:29.893 Dean, Dean, where are you? 47 00:01:31.916 --> 00:01:36.394 ♪ Dean, where are you? ♪ 48 00:01:36.394 --> 00:01:40.447 ♪ And I ♪ 49 00:01:40.447 --> 00:01:43.477 ♪ Text me when you more ♪ 50 00:01:43.477 --> 00:01:45.000 ♪ And I ♪ 51 00:01:45.000 --> 00:01:47.520 Text me when you get home, bye. 52 00:01:47.520 --> 00:01:50.410 - The family was trying to save money by calling collect. 53 00:01:50.410 --> 00:01:52.490 When they asked their name, they snuck a message into it 54 00:01:52.490 --> 00:01:54.920 so that they didn't have to pay for a whole call. 55 00:01:54.920 --> 00:01:57.030 - For our next story. - Yes. 56 00:01:57.030 --> 00:01:59.590 - Jackets, they're supposed to keep you warm. 57 00:01:59.590 --> 00:02:00.750 - I know that's right. 58 00:02:00.750 --> 00:02:02.640 - But you know that thing where you try to put a jacket 59 00:02:02.640 --> 00:02:05.320 on over a long-sleeve shirt, and the jacket makes the sleeve 60 00:02:05.320 --> 00:02:06.942 on your shirt ride up to your elbow? 61 00:02:06.942 --> 00:02:08.010 - Dean Cain! 62 00:02:08.010 --> 00:02:10.200 - Now, our field correspondent, Ho Ward. 63 00:02:10.200 --> 00:02:11.033 Ho Ward? 64 00:02:11.033 --> 00:02:12.270 - Howard! 65 00:02:12.270 --> 00:02:14.640 It's Howard, you horse's ass. 66 00:02:14.640 --> 00:02:16.444 Normally, I would be upset by that, 67 00:02:16.444 --> 00:02:19.290 but nothing can bring down my sack today, 68 00:02:19.290 --> 00:02:21.470 for I have seen true love. 69 00:02:21.470 --> 00:02:23.620 At 32 years old, I didn't realize 70 00:02:23.620 --> 00:02:26.490 I had never seen true love until now. 71 00:02:26.490 --> 00:02:28.600 Keep in mind, my parents are still together. 72 00:02:28.600 --> 00:02:31.430 But all that proves is that two people who hate each other 73 00:02:31.430 --> 00:02:33.180 can learn to cohabitate. 74 00:02:33.180 --> 00:02:36.460 My grandparents have probably never been in love. 75 00:02:36.460 --> 00:02:38.990 All my grandmother talks about is how she never loved 76 00:02:38.990 --> 00:02:42.230 my grandfather, and he caught her off the rebound. 77 00:02:42.230 --> 00:02:44.780 Somewhere along the way, the hope of finding true love 78 00:02:44.780 --> 00:02:48.070 in my life petered out to the point where I lost all sight 79 00:02:48.070 --> 00:02:50.420 of that fairy tale goal of finding someone 80 00:02:50.420 --> 00:02:52.940 who gets you like no one else could, 81 00:02:52.940 --> 00:02:54.883 probably around the tender age of 14, 82 00:02:56.060 --> 00:02:59.790 when, just as my mother was backing out of the driveway 83 00:02:59.790 --> 00:03:02.390 to take me to school, I told her to stop the car 84 00:03:02.390 --> 00:03:04.690 because I'd forgotten one of my textbooks. 85 00:03:04.690 --> 00:03:05.880 When I got out, I saw an injured 86 00:03:05.880 --> 00:03:07.970 bunny rabbit behind the car. 87 00:03:07.970 --> 00:03:08.850 We would've run her over 88 00:03:08.850 --> 00:03:11.490 had I not needed to go back in the house. 89 00:03:11.490 --> 00:03:12.710 I nursed that bunny back to health 90 00:03:12.710 --> 00:03:15.460 and begged my parents to let me keep her. 91 00:03:15.460 --> 00:03:18.717 She kept me calm during the nights when I couldn't sleep 92 00:03:18.717 --> 00:03:20.810 for the sound of my parents fighting. 93 00:03:20.810 --> 00:03:23.510 Bunnies aren't supposed to be skiddish, but not Susie. 94 00:03:25.460 --> 00:03:28.670 It was like she knew she had to stay strong for me. 95 00:03:28.670 --> 00:03:30.500 Later that year, drought struck the town, 96 00:03:30.500 --> 00:03:32.900 and with that came a great fire. 97 00:03:32.900 --> 00:03:35.210 Our home was one of those afflicted. 98 00:03:35.210 --> 00:03:37.070 Firefighters had to wrestle me to the ground 99 00:03:37.070 --> 00:03:40.020 and broke both my arms to keep me from rushing back 100 00:03:40.020 --> 00:03:41.523 into the house to save Susie. 101 00:03:44.676 --> 00:03:48.050 The heat from the flames put goosebumps on my skin, 102 00:03:48.050 --> 00:03:49.580 as I beseeched the God I no longer 103 00:03:49.580 --> 00:03:51.803 believed in for a miracle that never came. 104 00:03:52.920 --> 00:03:55.120 I would've died to save Susie. 105 00:03:55.120 --> 00:03:56.590 And I've been spending my whole life looking 106 00:03:56.590 --> 00:03:57.823 for a love that strong. 107 00:04:04.630 --> 00:04:06.730 Anyways, all that to say there's two ladies 108 00:04:06.730 --> 00:04:10.550 finger-fucking in the street, yum yum! 109 00:04:10.550 --> 00:04:11.880 - Well, that's all the time we have. 110 00:04:11.880 --> 00:04:14.290 This week's loser is me, Tao, 111 00:04:14.290 --> 00:04:16.337 because I couldn't stop laughing. 112 00:04:16.337 --> 00:04:18.420 - 10, 10, 3-2-1. 113 00:04:18.420 --> 00:04:20.280 Those were other good commercials. 114 00:04:20.280 --> 00:04:22.070 - I love that commercial, actually. 115 00:04:22.070 --> 00:04:25.420 Dial down the middle, 1-800-C-A-L-L-A-T-T-. 116 00:04:25.420 --> 00:04:26.753 - Carrot top!