WEBVTT

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- [Announcer] From West
Hollywood, California,

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the only news team that doesn't know

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what's on the teleprompter
before they read it.

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Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points.

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This is Breaking News.
(up-tempo music)

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- Hello and welcome to Breaking News,

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the show where we don't
know what we're about to say

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and we're not allowed to smile or laugh.

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I'm Lips London.

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- And I'm Poof Goof.

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Our top story tonight,
"There's a bird in my pocket."

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- Right before we went on air,

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a tiny bluebird flew into the studio

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and went right into Poof's pocket.

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- My goodness, this is adorable.

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- There was a murder but I'll be honest,

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I'd rather talk about this.

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- It's possible this is
my new favorite bird.

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- I agree.

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Before my favorite birds were...

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(dramatic music)

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- What?

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- Fuck me.
(Poof giggling)

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Blue jay, a robin,

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a cardinal, a flamingo,

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dinosaurs were technically birds,

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a pterodactyl--

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- Sorry, dinosaurs were technically birds?

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- I was just listening to an
NPR story about this, Brad.

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- I believe that you mean,
birds were technically dinosaurs

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not all dinosaurs were birds.

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- He has a point.

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- Oh, god damn it, I don't
know if I know five more birds.

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- Perhaps a seagull.

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- A seagull?
- Seagull.

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- You can pick an owl, or a hawk, even.

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- Owl, hawk.
- Owl, pigeon, hawk.

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- Dove.

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- Big Bird, does he count?

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- Duck!

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- Duck? There you go.

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- Is another one of my favorite birds.

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- Really?

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Why was that the last one?

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- Which last one?

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Because a duck is adorable.

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Because a duck swims.

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And is therefore covered in water.

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As a Cancer, I'm a water sign.

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- Makes sense.

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Fascinating, anyhoo three people are dead

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in a brutal slaying in, oh my.

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- What is it?

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- [Poof] Birds

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moving in my pocket.

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- What does that feel like?

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- It just feels a little, a little tickly!

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It feels like feathers,
soft feathers, moving softly

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and oh, now rapidly on my skin.

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It's invigorating.

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- Interesting, say more about that.

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- It feels, it feels really, really soft

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and flappy, nope, now there's
a little bit of a peck.

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There's a, oh the bird has moved around

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to the small of my back and
it is now moving up my jacket.

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Up my jacket a little bit and it's, oops,

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now it's just straight-up pecking me.

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- Terrific.
- It's kinda painful.

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- We've used up all of our murder time,

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so we'll move on to entertainment news

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with our own Gooey Anderson, Gooey!

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- Thanks Lips.

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Well, Oscar season is underway.

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Last night the Hollywood
Reporter hosted a round table

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of some of the biggest stars in Hollywood.

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Now, our camera's weren't allowed in,

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so I'll do an impression
of all the celebrities.

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- That's great, you're known
for your impressions Gooey.

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- I am.

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So it started off with
Robert DiNiro and he was like

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"I'm walkin' 'ere."

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- That's Al Pacino!

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I'm sorry, Dustin Hoffman!

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- I'm gonna do this segment
and you're gonna be quiet.

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- Definitely Dustin Hoffman.

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- And then Julia Roberts
said "I'm walkin' 'ere!"

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And now you won't believe
me but then President Obama

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showed, this doesn't
feel, everybody cheered

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and he was like (laughter).

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Uh, he, I can't, uh, "I'm walkin' ere!"

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Oh fuck, which of course
that meant that Peter

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could Jesus Christ, Peter
Griffin had to come on stage

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and say fuck me.

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"And I'm fucking I'm walkin' here."

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- I officially should have had this role.

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- Then of course the
last speaker of the night

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was a big friendly brown
bear, you really should've,

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who only wanted, a big friendly brown bear

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who only wanted some honey.

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She was like (groans).

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- Made it .2 seconds into that impression.

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- It's not, they're not (laughing).

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I gotta keep doing it, fuck.

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This is torture.

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Mmm honey!

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Come on, please it's no, I'm walkin' here.

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All right, (laughs) back
to you in the studio!

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- Thanks Gooey, finally
tonight an editorial word

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from our station president,
Dr. Tristan Chambers.

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A word of warning, Dr.
Chambers is a total perv.

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- Hello everyone, I'm Dr.
Chambers, and I'm going to make

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a list for you of all the
things that turn me on.

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- Dr. Chambers, the FCC has
asked that your editorials

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be related to the news.

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- I think it's newsworthy
that I get burned by

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unlikely animal friends.

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- Oh Jesus.

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- What, everyone loves
unlikely animal friends!

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If there's a video of a cat and a fox

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taking a nap together, or
a hedgehog and and otter

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sharing a piece of cabbage we all get wet.

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(dramatic music)

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- False.

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- Okay, keep lying!

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(group laughing)

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Here's a list of more things that make my

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big stupid Johnson hard.

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(group laughing)

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Bookstores, pineapples,
those thick straws that only

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fast food restaurants give you,

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when actors in plays turn out

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to talk straight to the audience,

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cans that don't have the
pull tab so you have to say

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to yourself, Jesus, do
I even own a can opener?

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Just the top part of butts
before you get to the crack,

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obvious lies, when the
person in front of you

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at the coffee shop gets to
the counter and they're like

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Hm what should I get?

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Like they've never been
in a coffee shop before.

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Earbud headphones,

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and of course...

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titties!

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- I hated hearing that.

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- We all did, oh fuck.

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Before we go, we should
announce that this week's loser

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is Elaine Carroll.

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- No!

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The bird died when he said titties.

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(group laughing)

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- Oh, I'll tell you, incredible.

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- Big loser.

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Oh, and my chair just went.

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- I love that this guy will slap his ass

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on an Instagram video, but can't do a

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two-second bear impression.

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(group laughing)

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- Guys listen, if the script
had said show us your ass

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I would have been golden.

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But you want me to do a
Barak Obama impression?

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Come on!

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- Brandon, I love that you got this job

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with a Tim Curry impression.

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- And I'm gonna milk
it for all it's worth.

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- And you just did a Tim Curry impression.