WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.170 --> 00:00:02.530 - [Host] From West Hollywood, California, 2 00:00:02.530 --> 00:00:04.330 the only news team that doesn't know 3 00:00:04.330 --> 00:00:07.030 what's on the teleprompter before they read it. 4 00:00:07.030 --> 00:00:10.210 Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. 5 00:00:10.210 --> 00:00:14.560 This is, Breaking News. (excited music) 6 00:00:14.560 --> 00:00:16.410 - Good evening, and welcome to Breaking News, 7 00:00:16.410 --> 00:00:18.250 the show where we don't know what we're about to say, 8 00:00:18.250 --> 00:00:20.660 and we're not allowed to smile or laugh. 9 00:00:20.660 --> 00:00:23.117 I'm Car-less Mencia. 10 00:00:23.117 --> 00:00:25.140 - And I'm a Birdy in a Bottle Baby 11 00:00:25.140 --> 00:00:27.570 You Gotta Rub Me the Right Way. 12 00:00:27.570 --> 00:00:28.710 - Tonight's first story, 13 00:00:28.710 --> 00:00:31.690 Things that go, whoop in the night. 14 00:00:31.690 --> 00:00:34.750 Now, these are things like owls and ghosts and the wind. 15 00:00:34.750 --> 00:00:37.380 - What a fascinating topic, and not much is known 16 00:00:37.380 --> 00:00:39.700 about things that go, whoop, in the night. 17 00:00:39.700 --> 00:00:42.020 We hardly even covered it in school. 18 00:00:42.020 --> 00:00:44.000 Maybe a couple years in elementary school 19 00:00:44.000 --> 00:00:45.840 and then again in high school, but that's it. 20 00:00:45.840 --> 00:00:46.920 But, I'll tell you one thing, 21 00:00:46.920 --> 00:00:48.880 keep those, whoop, noises out of here. 22 00:00:48.880 --> 00:00:51.900 They scare the living pizza out of me. 23 00:00:51.900 --> 00:00:53.350 - You can say that again. 24 00:00:53.350 --> 00:00:54.660 I'm A Birdy In A Bottle Baby, 25 00:00:54.660 --> 00:00:55.970 You Gotta Rub Me the Right Way. 26 00:00:55.970 --> 00:00:57.970 - My least favorite whoop? 27 00:00:57.970 --> 00:00:59.267 This one, whoop. 28 00:01:02.390 --> 00:01:03.340 - Oh God! 29 00:01:03.340 --> 00:01:05.530 That was awk-ful! 30 00:01:05.530 --> 00:01:06.980 That's a word I just made up that combines 31 00:01:06.980 --> 00:01:09.480 awkward and awful, I'm trying it out. 32 00:01:09.480 --> 00:01:10.390 - I know. 33 00:01:10.390 --> 00:01:12.196 - Here, now let me try one. 34 00:01:12.196 --> 00:01:13.029 Whoop! 35 00:01:14.460 --> 00:01:15.293 - Gross! 36 00:01:15.293 --> 00:01:18.380 I want to die, but for a different reason entirely. 37 00:01:18.380 --> 00:01:19.610 - And what reason is that? 38 00:01:19.610 --> 00:01:21.220 - I want to see if you really get to eat 39 00:01:21.220 --> 00:01:23.070 all the ice cream you want in Heaven. 40 00:01:23.070 --> 00:01:24.190 - That's beautiful. 41 00:01:24.190 --> 00:01:27.040 Now, let's head over to entertainment news 42 00:01:27.040 --> 00:01:29.150 with Rick K. Brick. 43 00:01:29.150 --> 00:01:30.770 - Thanks, Car-Less Mencia! 44 00:01:30.770 --> 00:01:33.720 Kids everywhere are putting on their sneaker shoes 45 00:01:33.720 --> 00:01:34.790 and getting ready to dance 46 00:01:34.790 --> 00:01:37.110 to all the latest jams of the summer. 47 00:01:37.110 --> 00:01:38.740 - Jams? 48 00:01:38.740 --> 00:01:39.573 Jams? 49 00:01:39.573 --> 00:01:41.240 Let's talk about jams! 50 00:01:41.240 --> 00:01:44.080 I hope you some have some examples of these jams. 51 00:01:44.080 --> 00:01:45.830 Are we talking strawberry jams? 52 00:01:45.830 --> 00:01:47.110 Blueberry jams? 53 00:01:47.110 --> 00:01:48.330 Raspberry jams? 54 00:01:48.330 --> 00:01:50.460 - No, you foolish little ass! 55 00:01:50.460 --> 00:01:52.750 I'm talking about song jams! 56 00:01:52.750 --> 00:01:53.583 You know? 57 00:01:53.583 --> 00:01:55.830 Music to make our hips sway! 58 00:01:55.830 --> 00:01:57.020 - Well, get to it then! 59 00:01:57.020 --> 00:02:00.630 - Some songs of the summer go like this. 60 00:02:00.630 --> 00:02:04.870 God built up a city, he tossed down some propane, 61 00:02:04.870 --> 00:02:08.600 it started up a fire, and now the trees are dead. 62 00:02:08.600 --> 00:02:10.203 - So good. 63 00:02:11.200 --> 00:02:13.500 - Other songs go like this. 64 00:02:13.500 --> 00:02:18.100 Spankings for the boys, hard spankings for the boys. 65 00:02:18.100 --> 00:02:21.290 Oh, I'm singing spankings for the boys. 66 00:02:21.290 --> 00:02:24.129 Hard spankings for the boys. 67 00:02:24.129 --> 00:02:28.190 (laughs) Their buns will bleed and their buns will burn. 68 00:02:28.190 --> 00:02:30.909 Hard spankings for the boys. 69 00:02:30.909 --> 00:02:33.600 - Really good melody on that one. 70 00:02:33.600 --> 00:02:35.938 - I didn't include a melody in that one 71 00:02:35.938 --> 00:02:36.771 (laughing) 72 00:02:36.771 --> 00:02:40.110 Because if I do, we won't be able to legally use it. 73 00:02:40.110 --> 00:02:42.740 And still other songs go like this. 74 00:02:42.740 --> 00:02:45.250 Mr. Hamilton said, "Don't do it." 75 00:02:45.250 --> 00:02:47.760 Mr. Hamilton said, "It's a trap." 76 00:02:47.760 --> 00:02:51.900 Mr. Hamilton said he loved me and then he took it back. 77 00:02:51.900 --> 00:02:54.090 Oh, I got the blues. 78 00:02:54.090 --> 00:02:56.190 Macaroni and cheese. 79 00:02:56.190 --> 00:02:57.920 - I'm sorry to interrupt, Rick K. Brick, 80 00:02:57.920 --> 00:02:59.530 but I'm getting word that we have breaking news 81 00:02:59.530 --> 00:03:00.470 from the local mall. 82 00:03:00.470 --> 00:03:02.270 Reporter Tim Taffy is live at the scene. 83 00:03:02.270 --> 00:03:03.103 Tim? 84 00:03:03.103 --> 00:03:04.290 Give me some of that news 85 00:03:04.290 --> 00:03:05.890 and give it to me the way I like it. 86 00:03:05.890 --> 00:03:07.730 - This just in, a bunch of dumbass kids 87 00:03:07.730 --> 00:03:09.620 are about to fucking eat shit. 88 00:03:09.620 --> 00:03:10.590 They keep doing that gross thing 89 00:03:10.590 --> 00:03:11.710 where you flip your eyelids, 90 00:03:11.710 --> 00:03:14.380 and it's freaking me out so much. 91 00:03:14.380 --> 00:03:15.520 I'm about to lose it. 92 00:03:15.520 --> 00:03:16.580 - That sounds awful! 93 00:03:16.580 --> 00:03:17.750 Why would they do that? 94 00:03:17.750 --> 00:03:18.800 - I don't know man. 95 00:03:18.800 --> 00:03:19.640 I'll just be standing here 96 00:03:19.640 --> 00:03:21.667 and one of them will say, "Hey, news boy! 97 00:03:21.667 --> 00:03:23.530 "Get a load of this hot picture of my mom!" 98 00:03:23.530 --> 00:03:26.090 And so of course, I'll turn to look 99 00:03:26.090 --> 00:03:29.000 and then it'll just be a regular picture of his mom. 100 00:03:29.000 --> 00:03:33.370 - Beauty is in the eye of the something. 101 00:03:33.370 --> 00:03:34.550 I don't know what. 102 00:03:34.550 --> 00:03:36.630 - Shut up, I'm talking! 103 00:03:36.630 --> 00:03:40.000 Anyway, I'll say, "Hey, that's not particularly hot." 104 00:03:40.000 --> 00:03:42.590 And he'll lower the picture and it'll just be him 105 00:03:42.590 --> 00:03:44.460 with his dumbass eyelids. 106 00:03:44.460 --> 00:03:45.890 I hate it! 107 00:03:45.890 --> 00:03:47.850 It's not fair that I have to be on the street 108 00:03:47.850 --> 00:03:51.230 with the people and you guys get to be in a studio! 109 00:03:51.230 --> 00:03:53.380 - Anything else to report about the children? 110 00:03:53.380 --> 00:03:54.530 Is there anything? 111 00:03:54.530 --> 00:03:55.420 Anything else? 112 00:03:55.420 --> 00:03:56.253 - Yes! 113 00:03:56.253 --> 00:03:58.060 They've been throwing eggs at me left and right. 114 00:03:58.060 --> 00:03:59.860 I'll turn left and there will be eggs. 115 00:03:59.860 --> 00:04:02.200 I'll turn right and there will be eggs! 116 00:04:02.200 --> 00:04:03.220 Where the hell are they getting the money 117 00:04:03.220 --> 00:04:04.740 to buy all these eggs? 118 00:04:04.740 --> 00:04:06.780 - Fascinating! 119 00:04:06.780 --> 00:04:10.090 - Also, some of them said they liked my shoes, 120 00:04:10.090 --> 00:04:13.420 but I get the feeling they were actually making fun of me. 121 00:04:13.420 --> 00:04:15.900 It was something about the way they said it. 122 00:04:15.900 --> 00:04:19.640 It made me really self-conscious. 123 00:04:19.640 --> 00:04:22.200 This is the worst job! 124 00:04:22.200 --> 00:04:24.090 - Well, that's all the time we have tonight. 125 00:04:24.090 --> 00:04:25.760 Thank you to all our viewers for tuning in. 126 00:04:25.760 --> 00:04:28.966 Before we go, we have to acknowledge this week's loser. 127 00:04:28.966 --> 00:04:30.220 Me! 128 00:04:30.220 --> 00:04:32.140 - Andy Bustillos. That's right, that's my name. 129 00:04:32.140 --> 00:04:33.140 Thanks for watching. 130 00:04:36.020 --> 00:04:36.853 - Don't wave. 131 00:04:36.853 --> 00:04:37.686 - Don't wave? - Don't wave. 132 00:04:37.686 --> 00:04:40.220 - It fucks up the green screen when you wave! 133 00:04:40.220 --> 00:04:42.093 - You fucking loser! 134 00:04:44.260 --> 00:04:46.520 - Andy, don't you hear what I'm saying? 135 00:04:46.520 --> 00:04:48.460 I didn't know! Andy? 136 00:04:48.460 --> 00:04:49.333 - No one told me.