WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.160 --> 00:00:02.530 - [Announcer] From West Hollywood, California, 2 00:00:02.530 --> 00:00:04.340 the only news team that doesn't know 3 00:00:04.340 --> 00:00:07.060 what's on the teleprompter before they read it. 4 00:00:07.060 --> 00:00:10.200 Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. 5 00:00:10.200 --> 00:00:12.050 This is Breaking News. 6 00:00:12.050 --> 00:00:15.160 (dramatic music) 7 00:00:15.160 --> 00:00:16.930 - Hello and welcome to Breaking News. 8 00:00:16.930 --> 00:00:18.614 The only news show where we don't know 9 00:00:18.614 --> 00:00:19.900 what we're about to say 10 00:00:19.900 --> 00:00:22.379 and we're not allowed to smile or laugh. 11 00:00:22.379 --> 00:00:26.940 I'm Gonna Lick, Lick, Lick You From Head To Your Toes. 12 00:00:26.940 --> 00:00:28.770 - And I'm Inside Out Candace Bergen. 13 00:00:28.770 --> 00:00:30.853 (laughs) 14 00:00:31.690 --> 00:00:34.930 - Tonight's top stories, Lutherans. 15 00:00:34.930 --> 00:00:37.320 Do we need them and if so, why? 16 00:00:37.320 --> 00:00:39.770 - Also today, we reveal a cool new handshake 17 00:00:39.770 --> 00:00:42.200 that could be selling your kids meth? 18 00:00:42.200 --> 00:00:43.910 But first up, Mark Ruffalo. 19 00:00:43.910 --> 00:00:45.300 Is he a buffalo and if not, 20 00:00:45.300 --> 00:00:47.352 why is he always fucking acting like one? 21 00:00:47.352 --> 00:00:51.110 - Hmm, it really cracks your doink, doesn't it? 22 00:00:51.110 --> 00:00:52.610 - Yes. 23 00:00:52.610 --> 00:00:55.700 - Next, is your shower too wet? 24 00:00:55.700 --> 00:00:58.493 After I get my hands on it, it sure is. 25 00:00:59.560 --> 00:01:03.110 But my little uncomfortable joke aside, 26 00:01:03.110 --> 00:01:05.600 what's the actual truth? 27 00:01:05.600 --> 00:01:09.280 A study conducted at Shit Ass University 28 00:01:09.280 --> 00:01:13.410 located in Mitch McConnell's distended ball sac 29 00:01:13.410 --> 00:01:16.620 sitting in a jar of agar 30 00:01:16.620 --> 00:01:19.340 in a laboratory in Clearwater, Florida 31 00:01:19.340 --> 00:01:22.270 said that 90% of American consumers 32 00:01:22.270 --> 00:01:25.067 wish their showers could be, 33 00:01:25.067 --> 00:01:27.020 "A touch more arid 34 00:01:27.020 --> 00:01:30.940 so that my little balls don't get too clean." 35 00:01:30.940 --> 00:01:33.620 I like them to be nice and salty 36 00:01:33.620 --> 00:01:36.750 because I am a tall husband. 37 00:01:36.750 --> 00:01:38.850 - I'd hate to guzzle on that news too long. 38 00:01:38.850 --> 00:01:40.250 My throat would get clogged. 39 00:01:41.350 --> 00:01:42.320 And now to turn over 40 00:01:42.320 --> 00:01:44.410 to our senior entertainment correspondent, 41 00:01:44.410 --> 00:01:47.977 Pump Fullo Lumpin Blumplins. 42 00:01:47.977 --> 00:01:51.820 Pump, okay, Pump Fullo Lumplins, Pump. 43 00:01:51.820 --> 00:01:53.590 - Thanks, Inside. 44 00:01:53.590 --> 00:01:57.420 Oscar season is well underway. 45 00:01:57.420 --> 00:02:00.200 This year with a special In Memoriam package 46 00:02:00.200 --> 00:02:03.613 dedicated to a fallen star, Inspector Gadget. 47 00:02:04.780 --> 00:02:06.619 The Oscars community was shocked 48 00:02:06.619 --> 00:02:09.650 at the loss of their buxom beauty, 49 00:02:09.650 --> 00:02:11.150 their very own Lady Marmalade, 50 00:02:12.050 --> 00:02:14.270 their high and mighty sex kitten. 51 00:02:14.270 --> 00:02:16.700 And have dedicated the better portion of two hours 52 00:02:16.700 --> 00:02:19.759 to honoring his legacy with clip shows of his biggest, 53 00:02:19.759 --> 00:02:22.910 sexiest gadget goofs. 54 00:02:22.910 --> 00:02:24.860 Like the time when his Gadget Copter sprayed 55 00:02:24.860 --> 00:02:28.130 crusted pubic hair all over the cast and the crew. 56 00:02:28.130 --> 00:02:30.050 Or the time his Gadget Mobile sprayed 57 00:02:30.050 --> 00:02:33.130 crusted pubic hair all over the cast and the crew. 58 00:02:33.130 --> 00:02:33.963 - Go go gadget! 59 00:02:33.963 --> 00:02:35.070 - That's offensive. 60 00:02:35.070 --> 00:02:36.740 In other news, things are looking up for 61 00:02:36.740 --> 00:02:40.810 the piss rag Matt Lauer uses to wipe his mouth after dinner. 62 00:02:40.810 --> 00:02:42.870 Sources claim the rag is set to pen 63 00:02:42.870 --> 00:02:47.770 a five book deal with Cumdom House Publications. 64 00:02:47.770 --> 00:02:49.220 Fuck, that's cool! 65 00:02:49.220 --> 00:02:51.900 Fuck, I could not be prouder of my dude. 66 00:02:51.900 --> 00:02:54.320 My fucking dude right here, fuck! 67 00:02:54.320 --> 00:02:55.520 - If you could shut up for just a second, 68 00:02:55.520 --> 00:02:58.550 God help me, we are receiving breaking news from the field 69 00:02:58.550 --> 00:03:00.960 with our breaking news correspondent, Clark Lick. 70 00:03:00.960 --> 00:03:01.793 Clark? 71 00:03:01.793 --> 00:03:02.770 - Thanks, Inside. 72 00:03:02.770 --> 00:03:05.560 I'm Clark Lick and I've got the inside lick 73 00:03:05.560 --> 00:03:08.580 at what's going on here on the shore. 74 00:03:08.580 --> 00:03:11.740 First off, I'm at my wet's end trying to figure out 75 00:03:11.740 --> 00:03:14.685 where the splinter up my ass is. 76 00:03:14.685 --> 00:03:16.740 - That's interesting. 77 00:03:16.740 --> 00:03:18.744 And what is the scene exactly? 78 00:03:18.744 --> 00:03:22.350 - Okay, I've decided I'll tell you. 79 00:03:22.350 --> 00:03:26.080 It appears the teens of Teen Beach, the beach made of teens, 80 00:03:26.080 --> 00:03:28.410 have created a new handshake to indicate 81 00:03:28.410 --> 00:03:31.340 whether or not they're carrying or selling drugs. 82 00:03:31.340 --> 00:03:32.173 - Interesting. 83 00:03:32.173 --> 00:03:34.160 And what's that shake? 84 00:03:34.160 --> 00:03:36.970 - I'm glad you asked, I'm about to do it. 85 00:03:36.970 --> 00:03:38.583 For selling drugs it's, 86 00:03:46.171 --> 00:03:48.180 (yells) I'm selling drugs! 87 00:03:48.180 --> 00:03:49.873 For buying drugs, it's, 88 00:03:50.761 --> 00:03:52.490 To the left! 89 00:03:52.490 --> 00:03:54.360 Take it back now, y'all. 90 00:03:54.360 --> 00:03:56.230 One hop this time. 91 00:03:56.230 --> 00:03:58.810 One hop, one hop this time. 92 00:03:58.810 --> 00:04:00.810 One hop this time (laughs). 93 00:04:00.810 --> 00:04:02.370 One hop this time. 94 00:04:02.370 --> 00:04:03.690 One hop this time. 95 00:04:03.690 --> 00:04:06.020 Hands on your teeth, hands on your teeth. 96 00:04:06.020 --> 00:04:09.387 And then say, "Hey, you, hey over here! 97 00:04:09.387 --> 00:04:12.170 "I want to buy drugs!" 98 00:04:12.170 --> 00:04:16.690 - Very cool, and also interesting. 99 00:04:16.690 --> 00:04:17.523 - Yes. 100 00:04:17.523 --> 00:04:19.620 - And finally we close on a New York Times opinion piece 101 00:04:19.620 --> 00:04:22.590 by a man who puts poop into his own ass. 102 00:04:22.590 --> 00:04:25.670 - My mouth's full of juice for this. 103 00:04:25.670 --> 00:04:28.920 - In order, here is his opinion on the types of poops 104 00:04:28.920 --> 00:04:30.907 you can stuff right up your cheeky hole. 105 00:04:30.907 --> 00:04:32.813 - The juice is gonna get loose. 106 00:04:33.797 --> 00:04:36.540 - Here are those poops. 107 00:04:36.540 --> 00:04:40.400 Presumptuous loads, shy wormies, 108 00:04:40.400 --> 00:04:42.100 baby deer pebs, 109 00:04:42.100 --> 00:04:44.790 spinach like a mama used to make, 110 00:04:44.790 --> 00:04:45.940 and the Cleveland Browns. 111 00:04:45.940 --> 00:04:48.280 Wow, this is making me hungry. 112 00:04:48.280 --> 00:04:49.120 - Mm-hmm. 113 00:04:49.120 --> 00:04:51.270 - We'll close tonight by announcing that tonight's loser 114 00:04:51.270 --> 00:04:52.760 is our own Jeffrey Self. 115 00:04:52.760 --> 00:04:54.200 - [Jeffrey] Oh no! 116 00:04:54.200 --> 00:04:55.730 - Total chump. 117 00:04:55.730 --> 00:04:57.433 Good night.