WEBVTT

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- [Narrator] From West
Hollywood, California.

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The only news team that doesn't know

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what's on the teleprompter
before they read it.

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Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points.

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This is Breaking News.

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- Good evening and
welcome to breaking news.

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The show where we don't
know what we're about to say

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and we're not allowed to smile or laugh.

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My name's Dom Thompson but
instead of the letter O,

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I use pictures of doughnuts.

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- And I'm Grant Anthony O'Brien.

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And that's my actual first,
middle and last name.

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- Tonight we're starting
off with a new segment,

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called true facts about Grant.

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That are not jokes, they're
just true, actual facts

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about this gangley asshole.

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- Great, good I want this to happen.

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- Oh yeah. Do you like that bitch?

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- Yes I do, I really do.

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Please give doggie boy his treat.

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- (laughs)
- [Dom Thompson] Yeah

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- Does the sweet little toilet pig

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want his yummy, yummy crap.

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- Yes mistress.

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- Well he's gonna good
and god damn get it.

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- Right off the bat, Grant
caught syphilis in January

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of this year, isn't
that right you rat fuck?

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- That's true it's the
disease that killed Al Capone,

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and I've had it twice
because I like to Al Cabone.

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- (laughs)

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- Oh no.

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- (laughs)

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- (laughs)

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- Fascinating, have
you had any other STDs?

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- (laughs) Yes, all of
them except the big one.

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- Wow.

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- And Herpes, I haven't had Herpes.

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But so you know I consider the
big one to be acne. (laughs)

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- (laughs)

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- Now, here to show a naked photo of me.

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It's field reporter (bleep).

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- Thanks. Yes I'm (bleep).
Which is the actual name

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of one of Grant's childhood friends.

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Except I also spell it with doughnuts

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instead of the letter O.

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Anyhow before I show the
naked photo of Grant,

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I just want to make sure I
have his permission. Grant?

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- Yes you have my permission,
I want you to show it.

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- Yeah you do bitch.

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- That's me.

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- (laughs)
- Oop. (laughs)

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- But that's fine, I'll do the next one,

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which is the same line,
yeah you big bitch.

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- I'm a big rectangular bitch,

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who likes it when mommy
makes him eat trash.

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- Okay well, here it is.

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- Oh no. (laughs) Oh no. (laughs)

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- Thanks (bleep), compelling stuff.

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- Oh one more thing real quick Dom.

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I just wanted to say that
Grant looks like if a

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cartoon undertaker was
cosplaying as Rivers Cuomo.

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- (laughs)

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- Okay moving on to more
of the exact same thing,

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here's a copy of Grant's
headshot from 2007.

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- No, no no.

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- Which is somehow more
embarrassing than that naked photo

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we just saw.

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- Oh my God.

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- Damn this is savage.

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- (laughs)

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- I don't feel comfortable.

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- (laughs)

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- This is mean.

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- That's not the one I used though,

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that was one of the proofs.
That was one of the proofs.

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- What?

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- (laughs)

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- [Grant O'Brien] That
was one of the proofs.

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- [Woman] Oh my.

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- That wasn't the one I used,
that wasn't the one I used.

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That was one of the proofs.

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- Is that slenderman?

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- [Dom Thompson] Did you get a haircut,

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seconds before showing
up to this headshot?

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- I did, I thought that's
how I'd keep my hair forever

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cause I liked the way it looked.

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- Did you say get me at my worst angle?

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- Gang if you gotta if
you're getting photos taken,

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you gotta get the haircut a
couple weeks before, don't...

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- That's one for dramatic
roles, we go now to a

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- Oh god, they make my face
as angular as you want.

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- No, oh no.

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We go now to a way too
big acting choice I made,

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twelve years ago. Oh no

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- Oh no you do it.

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- I don't have a pillow.

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Can I use this one?

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- (mumbles) That's the one I sleep on.

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- C'mon.

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- Okay.

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- You just sort of (mumbles)
- No no no no no no no no no.

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- Like that?

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- No like this.

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- No no no no no no no no no.

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(laughs) Oh no.

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- What was that?

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- (laughs)

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- It's just my cat.

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- Oh, good.

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- Holy shit.

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Now here with another true
story is another field reporter,

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named after someone from Grant's past.

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- Hi Dom,
- No no no no no!

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My name's (bleep) and
Grant knows exactly who

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that is and exactly what he did.

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- Oh no no no no no.

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- In place of my O's
I don't use doughnuts,

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I use bagels with frosting.

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- Is that a reference to something?

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- That's a doughnut
(bleep), no no no no no.

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- Quiet pig boy.

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Anyhow in 2013 Grant was
living in Williamsburg,

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at 525 Union Ave. Apartment 4C.

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- I know a guy named Brennan Lee Mulligan,

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who lived in that same building.

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- Wow.

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- That's right, I thought
(laughs) Brennan Lee Mulligan

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might have lived in
this apartment building.

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- I'm Dom Thompson with two doughnuts,

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but this Brennan guy did
live in the same building.

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- Brennan lived in the
same apartment building.

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- Yeah pretty sure, yeah.

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- Then maybe your familiar with this?

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He'd recently purchased a large,

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dark green suction cup dildo.

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Something he bought because
he wanted to become better at

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(mumbles)

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- (laughs)

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- One morning

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- (laughs)

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- He was using it on
himself in a bathroom,

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he shared with three other
people he lived with.

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He was showering and using
the dildo to gradually loosen

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and open up his sphincter muscles.

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- Considerate.

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- Once he was finished he took the dildo,

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and using it's added suction cup feature,

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he stuck it to the wall of the shower.

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He then finished showering
and went to work.

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Leaving the dark green
dildo stuck to the wall.

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It remained there until
one of the roommates,

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(bleep) went into the shower,

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saw the dildo wobbling
on the wall, screamed,

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and then inexplicably
continued to live with Grant

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for another two years.

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Did I miss anything Grant?

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- No just like that,

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just that now I bottom
like a good little sub.

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And anyone out there wanting to get better

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at taking a large hog,

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should invest in a similar
type of anal training tool.

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- This has been the
longest shoot of my life.

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- I'm sweating so much,
I'm sweating so much.

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- I've never heard Grant say no so much.

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- Oh God, oh no, oh no.

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- How could you leave it?

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- I had just cum.

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- (laughs)

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- [Dom Thompson] That's fair, that's

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- I was in a state.

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- (laughs)

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- I was all, you know.

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- (laughs)

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- I appreciate
- Now but was the dildo,

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- I know this is crazy, it's
obvious the answer's no,

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but I wanna ask,

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was the dildo cleaned
or sanitized in any way,

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or did you just hop out of the shower.

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- (laughs)

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- [Woman] He forgot (mumbles)

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- Well I sprayed it off.

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- You sprayed it off.

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- You remembered to spray it off but not,

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to take it off the wall?

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- Did you have a detachable shower head?

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- Yeah.

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- Okay.

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- I just sorta, well no I
could angle it, I angled it.

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- [Woman] You gotta soap it,
- I sprayed it off

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- You gotta soap it, water's not enough

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- Thank God that's it for
us here at Breaking News

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special thanks to this week's
loser in more ways than one,

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Mr. Grant Anthony O'Brien.
Thanks for watching.

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I'm never going to recover.

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- I'll never shower again.

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- I...

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- I'd live with you Grant.

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- And it's not the dildo
stuff, it's the acting stuff.

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- (laughs)

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- (laughs)

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- The dildo stuff I actually am fine with,

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the acting stuff is unforgivable.

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- Oh that was in a sketch
comedy group I was in,

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right out of college.

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- I wanna be clear, Grant
has a lot to answer for,

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those acting choices. Also I
know this guy didn't ask for it

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but however shot that, let's
get some more head room,

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on Grant O'Brien shall we?

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Cutting off the hair and the chin,

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a strong cinematographic choice.

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- Look it was a different
time, we didn't know,

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we didn't know about things like that.

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- I don't care who you
are get either the hair,

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or the chin in there.

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(laughing in the background)

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I know I'm roasting someone who
didn't sign up for this but,

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Jesus Christ, what's the point
- It really didn't go well,

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- It didn't go well. That sketch
comedy group didn't go well

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- [Dom Thompson] Really?

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- (laughs) Huh, shocker.

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- Color me surprised.

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- We have a couple of good sketches.

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- (mumbles) ripping his ass.

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- Thanks for watching,

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no one could be surprised at this outcome.

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- This has got to be over, I just,

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have to have this episode
be over with very quickly.

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Are we done? Is that that?