WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.170 --> 00:00:02.530 - [Announcer] From West Hollywood, California, 2 00:00:02.530 --> 00:00:04.830 the only news team that doesn't know what's on 3 00:00:04.830 --> 00:00:07.050 the teleprompter before they read it. 4 00:00:07.050 --> 00:00:10.200 Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points. 5 00:00:10.200 --> 00:00:12.683 This is: Breaking News. 6 00:00:14.400 --> 00:00:16.480 - Good evening, welcome to Breaking News. 7 00:00:16.480 --> 00:00:18.767 - The show where we don't know what we're about to say, 8 00:00:18.767 --> 00:00:21.000 and we aren't allowed to smile, or laugh. 9 00:00:21.000 --> 00:00:22.420 - I'm Hal Satan. 10 00:00:22.420 --> 00:00:24.540 - And I'm Peaches Bitch. 11 00:00:24.540 --> 00:00:26.630 Our top story: cars. 12 00:00:26.630 --> 00:00:27.980 Sure, they go beep beep. 13 00:00:27.980 --> 00:00:30.130 But are they too sexy? 14 00:00:30.130 --> 00:00:31.970 A new study found one in four Americans 15 00:00:31.970 --> 00:00:35.010 are sexually attracted to their shiny metal mamas. 16 00:00:35.010 --> 00:00:36.120 - That's right, Peaches. 17 00:00:36.120 --> 00:00:38.550 Fiat, more like Fi-hot. 18 00:00:38.550 --> 00:00:41.350 Mazda, more like Maz-damn. 19 00:00:41.350 --> 00:00:44.870 Rolls Royce, more like Rolls Noice. 20 00:00:44.870 --> 00:00:48.230 Dodge Ram, more like Dodge Rammy, please, 21 00:00:48.230 --> 00:00:49.320 and others. 22 00:00:49.320 --> 00:00:52.090 - Sure, it may sound yummy to get your cruiser tiny smooches 23 00:00:52.090 --> 00:00:54.530 with your little whis--whips? 24 00:00:54.530 --> 00:00:56.373 With your little whips. 25 00:00:57.329 --> 00:00:58.162 Ah, fuck. 26 00:00:58.162 --> 00:01:00.370 But manufacturers are warning customers 27 00:01:00.370 --> 00:01:01.930 not to get too attached. 28 00:01:01.930 --> 00:01:05.007 A cool dude in Honda's nuts and bolts department stated, 29 00:01:05.007 --> 00:01:06.767 "Cars are fickle mistresses 30 00:01:06.767 --> 00:01:10.200 "and will only break your heart and your wallets." 31 00:01:10.200 --> 00:01:11.460 Am I right, fellas? 32 00:01:11.460 --> 00:01:14.030 They did a sick backflip and everyone liked it. 33 00:01:14.030 --> 00:01:16.550 - The fox from car facts gave the following tips 34 00:01:16.550 --> 00:01:18.340 to decrease car lust. 35 00:01:18.340 --> 00:01:21.550 One, take public transportation when possible. 36 00:01:21.550 --> 00:01:24.140 Two, never wax your vehicle. 37 00:01:24.140 --> 00:01:27.578 And three, forget rules one and two. 38 00:01:27.578 --> 00:01:30.200 - (scoffs) Okay, I'm done talking about this, now. 39 00:01:30.200 --> 00:01:32.300 Peaches, would you like to hear a joke? 40 00:01:32.300 --> 00:01:33.150 - No. 41 00:01:33.150 --> 00:01:34.560 - Respect. 42 00:01:34.560 --> 00:01:35.690 Moving on. 43 00:01:35.690 --> 00:01:37.600 Can't be bothered looking outside your window? 44 00:01:37.600 --> 00:01:41.610 Don't worry, it's time for the weather with A. Scatman. 45 00:01:41.610 --> 00:01:44.028 - Doo bi doo bi doo, scoop scoop do. 46 00:01:44.028 --> 00:01:45.614 (scoffs) 47 00:01:45.614 --> 00:01:47.660 - (A. Scatman) Scoop, doop, scoop doop. 48 00:01:47.660 --> 00:01:49.059 (laughs) 49 00:01:49.059 --> 00:01:50.664 - (A. Scatman) Scoop doop, scoop scoop doop, 50 00:01:50.664 --> 00:01:52.250 scoop doop soop, scoop, scoobidi-doop, scoop scoop. 51 00:01:52.250 --> 00:01:53.083 - This is, 52 00:01:54.370 --> 00:01:55.238 is this, 53 00:01:55.238 --> 00:01:56.800 - (A. Scatman) and scoopity poop, 54 00:01:56.800 --> 00:01:58.270 poop poop scoop, 55 00:01:58.270 --> 00:01:59.320 and scoopity doop. 56 00:01:59.320 --> 00:02:00.763 Poopity scoop and poopity poop, 57 00:02:02.620 --> 00:02:05.530 and poop and scoop and scoop and poop. 58 00:02:05.530 --> 00:02:06.770 Thanks, Hal. 59 00:02:06.770 --> 00:02:08.030 It's a cold one out there, 60 00:02:08.030 --> 00:02:10.010 colder than the day my baby left me. 61 00:02:10.010 --> 00:02:11.750 You know, my infant baby. 62 00:02:11.750 --> 00:02:14.040 Just crawled away when we were at an ice skating rink. 63 00:02:14.040 --> 00:02:15.820 I begged him not to go but he wouldn't listen. 64 00:02:15.820 --> 00:02:17.270 Babies can be stubborn but fair. 65 00:02:17.270 --> 00:02:20.090 - I'm so sorry to hear that, A. 66 00:02:20.090 --> 00:02:20.923 - Sike. 67 00:02:22.590 --> 00:02:24.370 I didn't ain't have no baby. 68 00:02:24.370 --> 00:02:27.400 You know me, always at the spankin' and prankin'. 69 00:02:27.400 --> 00:02:29.030 I'll never be tamed but for reals, 70 00:02:29.030 --> 00:02:32.060 it's hot, not cold, so squirt that sunscreen bottle 71 00:02:32.060 --> 00:02:33.830 and lather up like a top model. 72 00:02:33.830 --> 00:02:35.810 Rays are out there and they mean business. 73 00:02:35.810 --> 00:02:37.220 - Oh, I have a cousin named Ray. 74 00:02:37.220 --> 00:02:38.530 He owns a small business. 75 00:02:38.530 --> 00:02:41.270 - Me too, what a time to be alive. 76 00:02:41.270 --> 00:02:42.170 - Wow, 77 00:02:42.170 --> 00:02:43.880 sounds like we all have a cousin named Ray. 78 00:02:43.880 --> 00:02:46.893 Signing off, I'm A. Scatman. 79 00:02:46.893 --> 00:02:49.643 Scoopity scoop pa pa da, la la da pa da da scoop-a-doo, 80 00:02:53.572 --> 00:02:57.202 a-doo be-scoop, a-doo be-scoop. 81 00:02:57.202 --> 00:02:59.467 Scoop-a-dee-doop, a scoop-a-poop 82 00:03:01.680 --> 00:03:04.623 - Why are you doing it sexy? - (laughs) 83 00:03:07.000 --> 00:03:08.600 - We've just received breaking news, 84 00:03:08.600 --> 00:03:11.070 but first, who is your favorite Spice Girl? 85 00:03:11.070 --> 00:03:12.870 - Baby all the way: 86 00:03:12.870 --> 00:03:13.703 B. 87 00:03:13.703 --> 00:03:15.640 - You're crazy, but I respect you. 88 00:03:15.640 --> 00:03:17.620 Okay, ready to hear this breaking news? 89 00:03:17.620 --> 00:03:21.260 - Sure, let's go live to the scene with Quasi Hello-modo. 90 00:03:21.260 --> 00:03:22.110 - Thanks Hal. 91 00:03:22.110 --> 00:03:24.630 Raccoons are on the loose in Downtown Los Angeles, 92 00:03:24.630 --> 00:03:27.800 stealing the hearts and eating the lunches of all. 93 00:03:27.800 --> 00:03:30.100 Early this morning, some raccoons, 94 00:03:30.100 --> 00:03:31.170 that's the technical term, 95 00:03:31.170 --> 00:03:35.110 like how there's a murder of crows or a herd of deer. 96 00:03:35.110 --> 00:03:36.900 You know what I'm talking about? 97 00:03:36.900 --> 00:03:38.510 Is that something you're familiar with? 98 00:03:38.510 --> 00:03:39.343 - Yes. 99 00:03:39.343 --> 00:03:40.510 - Is anyone listening to me? 100 00:03:40.510 --> 00:03:41.343 - We all are. 101 00:03:41.343 --> 00:03:42.176 - Yes. 102 00:03:43.160 --> 00:03:44.360 - Respect. 103 00:03:44.360 --> 00:03:47.120 Well, for raccoons, it's some raccoons. 104 00:03:47.120 --> 00:03:48.140 Pretty weird, huh? 105 00:03:48.140 --> 00:03:49.630 It feels like science kinda gave up there, 106 00:03:49.630 --> 00:03:52.430 but any crap they're down here now. 107 00:03:52.430 --> 00:03:54.160 Early this morning, hundreds of raccoons 108 00:03:54.160 --> 00:03:56.380 descended on to the city looking for sandwiches 109 00:03:56.380 --> 00:03:57.290 and other light fair. 110 00:03:57.290 --> 00:03:58.720 - How are people reacting? 111 00:03:58.720 --> 00:04:00.800 - At first they were like, "Ew!" 112 00:04:00.800 --> 00:04:03.160 but once they saw them pick up food with their little hands, 113 00:04:03.160 --> 00:04:04.940 they were like, "Aww." 114 00:04:04.940 --> 00:04:07.490 So at the moment, no one is pressing charges. 115 00:04:07.490 --> 00:04:08.870 - And that's all we have time for now. 116 00:04:08.870 --> 00:04:10.440 We'll close with a bit of personal news. 117 00:04:10.440 --> 00:04:12.520 This week's loser is 118 00:04:12.520 --> 00:04:14.397 Grant O'Brien. 119 00:04:14.397 --> 00:04:15.300 - [Quasi Hello-Modo] Yeah, all right. 120 00:04:15.300 --> 00:04:16.410 Fine. 121 00:04:16.410 --> 00:04:18.260 Fine, I don't owe anything to anyone.