WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.180 --> 00:00:02.520 - [Announcer] From West Hollywood, California, 2 00:00:02.520 --> 00:00:04.690 the only news team that doesn't know what's 3 00:00:04.690 --> 00:00:07.050 on the teleprompter before they read it. 4 00:00:07.050 --> 00:00:10.060 Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. 5 00:00:10.060 --> 00:00:11.751 This is Breaking News. 6 00:00:11.751 --> 00:00:14.660 (upbeat music) 7 00:00:14.660 --> 00:00:16.570 - Good evening, and welcome to Breaking News, 8 00:00:16.570 --> 00:00:17.950 the show where we don't we don't know what 9 00:00:17.950 --> 00:00:21.530 we're about to say and we're not allowed to smile or laugh. 10 00:00:21.530 --> 00:00:23.648 I'm Slender Porkcnhop. 11 00:00:23.648 --> 00:00:24.481 (beep) 12 00:00:24.481 --> 00:00:26.021 - And my name is Tickles. 13 00:00:26.021 --> 00:00:26.880 (beep) 14 00:00:26.880 --> 00:00:28.360 - Our lead story tonight, 15 00:00:28.360 --> 00:00:31.120 Daddy came back to the house today and was very mad. 16 00:00:31.120 --> 00:00:34.210 - Daddy said the kitchen was dirty and daddy wanted food. 17 00:00:34.210 --> 00:00:36.730 - And mad daddy sure was hungry. 18 00:00:36.730 --> 00:00:38.680 - Mad daddy left to get food. 19 00:00:38.680 --> 00:00:40.570 - Mad daddy likes big burger. 20 00:00:40.570 --> 00:00:42.950 - Mad daddy came back with a fat patty. 21 00:00:42.950 --> 00:00:46.150 - Mad daddy ate and went to sleep on the chair. 22 00:00:46.150 --> 00:00:48.630 - If you've just joined us, Daddy is mad. 23 00:00:48.630 --> 00:00:51.790 He ate a burger patty and is now asleep. 24 00:00:51.790 --> 00:00:53.170 We'll make sure to get your more 25 00:00:53.170 --> 00:00:55.050 daddy updates as they come in. 26 00:00:55.050 --> 00:00:56.600 - Allergy season is back! 27 00:00:56.600 --> 00:00:58.243 So if you're a sneezy little thing, 28 00:00:58.243 --> 00:01:00.910 remember to avoid those scary flowers. 29 00:01:00.910 --> 00:01:02.756 - Bad news for allergy mutants. 30 00:01:02.756 --> 00:01:05.820 And now punching you hard with some sports news! 31 00:01:05.820 --> 00:01:07.030 It's Punchy Peach! 32 00:01:07.030 --> 00:01:07.950 - That's right! 33 00:01:07.950 --> 00:01:10.400 It's sports time! 34 00:01:10.400 --> 00:01:12.160 I'm Punchy Pete- Peach. 35 00:01:12.160 --> 00:01:13.020 Punchy Peach. 36 00:01:13.020 --> 00:01:15.510 And I'm peachy and punchy. 37 00:01:15.510 --> 00:01:18.730 The minor league Farmingdale Penises an 38 00:01:18.730 --> 00:01:21.090 are facing a team suspension after they were 39 00:01:21.090 --> 00:01:23.980 caught doping with Jelly Bellys. 40 00:01:23.980 --> 00:01:27.340 Coach Penis, who can only speak in the language of the 41 00:01:27.340 --> 00:01:30.700 Penises defended the team at a press conference, saying, 42 00:01:30.700 --> 00:01:32.037 and I quote 43 00:01:32.037 --> 00:01:32.893 "Penis, 44 00:01:33.900 --> 00:01:34.860 penis." 45 00:01:34.860 --> 00:01:35.693 (beep) 46 00:01:35.693 --> 00:01:36.600 After the statement, Mr. Penis swayed 47 00:01:36.600 --> 00:01:38.630 back and forth and waddles off. 48 00:01:38.630 --> 00:01:40.950 Repeatedly muttering the "p" word. 49 00:01:40.950 --> 00:01:44.470 And by that I do mean penis. 50 00:01:44.470 --> 00:01:46.390 - Sorry to interrupt Punchy but we're getting 51 00:01:46.390 --> 00:01:48.680 an update from the homosexual deer community. 52 00:01:48.680 --> 00:01:50.240 - The homosexual deer are bravely 53 00:01:50.240 --> 00:01:51.770 protesting forest inequality. 54 00:01:51.770 --> 00:01:53.710 - The deer have been lining up next to the highway 55 00:01:53.710 --> 00:01:55.940 and changing "We're here, we're queer, we're deer." 56 00:01:55.940 --> 00:01:59.134 - And now, let's finish up sports with Punchy. 57 00:01:59.134 --> 00:02:00.363 - We turn now to Hockey. 58 00:02:00.363 --> 00:02:01.930 Ding Dong! 59 00:02:01.930 --> 00:02:02.780 Who's there? 60 00:02:02.780 --> 00:02:04.820 How about the Boston Bruins. 61 00:02:04.820 --> 00:02:05.820 What do they do? 62 00:02:05.820 --> 00:02:09.900 Well they showed up for dinner and they are hungry. 63 00:02:09.900 --> 00:02:12.499 I hope you got meat cause this team will eat it raw, 64 00:02:12.499 --> 00:02:14.252 and then burn down your house. 65 00:02:14.252 --> 00:02:17.400 This is a phenomenal team who will piss 66 00:02:17.400 --> 00:02:20.540 on the ashes of your house after they burn it. 67 00:02:20.540 --> 00:02:23.212 I predict this year, we're gonna go turn it up, 68 00:02:23.212 --> 00:02:25.476 and dance on their own piss. 69 00:02:25.476 --> 00:02:28.630 Taunting you, the homeowner of the house. 70 00:02:28.630 --> 00:02:31.237 These guys are fierce and if you have insurance, 71 00:02:31.237 --> 00:02:34.480 the whole team will show up terrify that you, 72 00:02:34.480 --> 00:02:37.310 to testify that you burned down your own house. 73 00:02:37.310 --> 00:02:40.240 These guys mean business. 74 00:02:40.240 --> 00:02:42.302 They're going to the top and you're going to 75 00:02:42.302 --> 00:02:46.500 and you're going to prison for arson and insurance fraud. 76 00:02:46.500 --> 00:02:48.040 Back to you. 77 00:02:48.040 --> 00:02:49.220 - Thanks homeslice. 78 00:02:49.220 --> 00:02:51.640 A local study on men's health recently revealed that 79 00:02:51.640 --> 00:02:53.650 police chief Gary has diarrhea. 80 00:02:53.650 --> 00:02:54.509 - Sad to hear. 81 00:02:54.509 --> 00:02:55.640 Wait. 82 00:02:55.640 --> 00:02:57.630 We're getting an update on daddy. 83 00:02:57.630 --> 00:03:00.380 It seems daddy is mad again because of the garage 84 00:03:00.380 --> 00:03:02.258 reeks of raccoon piss. 85 00:03:02.258 --> 00:03:06.200 - Mad daddy says raccoons are getting in the pissy garage. 86 00:03:06.200 --> 00:03:10.500 - Mad daddy called the garage a total raccoon piss fest 87 00:03:10.500 --> 00:03:12.070 and went to call animal control. 88 00:03:12.070 --> 00:03:13.680 - But on daddy's way to the phone, 89 00:03:13.680 --> 00:03:15.241 he slipped on spilled juice. 90 00:03:15.241 --> 00:03:18.600 Mad daddy stormed out of the house covered in juice. 91 00:03:18.600 --> 00:03:20.310 That story is developing. 92 00:03:20.310 --> 00:03:21.390 - We'll keep you up to the minute 93 00:03:21.390 --> 00:03:23.786 thanks to daddy's daughter, sweet little Lucy. 94 00:03:23.786 --> 00:03:25.810 And now with the celebrity news. 95 00:03:25.810 --> 00:03:27.202 Let's go over the Van Bones. 96 00:03:27.202 --> 00:03:28.710 - Thanks. 97 00:03:28.710 --> 00:03:29.940 Folks, he's a ladies man. 98 00:03:29.940 --> 00:03:31.978 But I'm not talking about the Fonz. 99 00:03:31.978 --> 00:03:34.230 I'm talking about the actor who played the Fonz, 100 00:03:34.230 --> 00:03:35.560 Henry Winkler. 101 00:03:35.560 --> 00:03:37.670 Last night Henry and his long-time wife, Stacy, 102 00:03:37.670 --> 00:03:41.370 cuddled up to their favorite rom com, Bridget Jones's Diary. 103 00:03:41.370 --> 00:03:43.060 But during the movie, we heard there was a major 104 00:03:43.060 --> 00:03:44.450 make out session. 105 00:03:44.450 --> 00:03:47.200 Seems like their marriage is in great shape. 106 00:03:47.200 --> 00:03:49.403 In other news, Hollywood power couple Ted Danson 107 00:03:49.403 --> 00:03:53.310 and Mary Steenburgen were spotted at Horton's Diner. 108 00:03:53.310 --> 00:03:55.704 Allegedly, they ordered a couple of biscuits and 109 00:03:55.704 --> 00:04:00.130 they were splitting a bowl of gravy to dip in. 110 00:04:00.130 --> 00:04:02.090 They were both doing crossword puzzles and 111 00:04:02.090 --> 00:04:05.014 sometimes, they'd look up at each other and smile. 112 00:04:05.014 --> 00:04:07.161 I'll bet that's so nice. 113 00:04:07.161 --> 00:04:10.090 I think about getting kisses all the time 114 00:04:10.090 --> 00:04:12.525 and it makes me smile so much that I want to cry. 115 00:04:12.525 --> 00:04:13.358 (beep) 116 00:04:13.358 --> 00:04:16.230 A kiss, one kiss, would just be the greatest, 117 00:04:16.230 --> 00:04:17.870 and if you'd like to meet me for a soda and 118 00:04:17.870 --> 00:04:20.230 then maybe some kisses in the parking lot after the soda, 119 00:04:20.230 --> 00:04:22.776 please tweet at the station. 120 00:04:22.776 --> 00:04:24.750 Back to you. 121 00:04:24.750 --> 00:04:25.980 - Thanks Van. 122 00:04:25.980 --> 00:04:28.940 And, we've just gotten word that after daddy left the house, 123 00:04:28.940 --> 00:04:32.906 he accidentally stepped in a bucket of shit. 124 00:04:32.906 --> 00:04:35.090 - When daddy came back to the house, 125 00:04:35.090 --> 00:04:37.552 he had juice on his body and poop on his foot. 126 00:04:37.552 --> 00:04:40.512 Mommy kept asking him why there was a bucket of poop. 127 00:04:40.512 --> 00:04:41.430 (Laughs) 128 00:04:41.430 --> 00:04:44.660 - Mad daddy realized how ridiculous the situation was. 129 00:04:44.660 --> 00:04:47.560 What with the bucket of poop, and he started to laugh 130 00:04:47.560 --> 00:04:49.744 a big, deep man laugh. 131 00:04:49.744 --> 00:04:51.890 Now, he's glad daddy. 132 00:04:51.890 --> 00:04:53.864 - It's nice when the story has a happy ending. 133 00:04:53.864 --> 00:04:54.760 (beep) 134 00:04:54.760 --> 00:04:56.704 - That's all for us today, but before we go, 135 00:04:56.704 --> 00:04:59.465 we'll say that our loser today is David Kerns. 136 00:04:59.465 --> 00:05:00.298 - [David] What? 137 00:05:00.298 --> 00:05:01.473 - [Katie] Thanks for watching! 138 00:05:01.473 --> 00:05:02.306 - [David] No, really. 139 00:05:02.306 --> 00:05:03.139 - [Tad] Oh! 140 00:05:03.139 --> 00:05:04.640 - Daddy's gonna be mad. 141 00:05:04.640 --> 00:05:06.153 - Daddy's gonna be real mad.